Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ. If I did, TP would have been MidLinked, the Four Swords VaatiLinked, OoT DarkLinked, MaLinked, and Navinked, MM RomaLinked and TatLinked, etc etc... though not some of the even more outlandish pairings like... um... well, you'll see...
Alright, this is by far the most RANDOM Humorous Oneshot to date. Now, I have to get three things straight:
-This is a JOKEFIC. It's a satire, not serious. It makes fun of every single pairing in the Legend of Zelda series, from the most normal (and overused) pairings to the most ridiculous, unheard of, what-was-the-author-smoking pairings that you hoped you would never have the misfortune to see. This a JOKE, people. A JOKE. Don't take it seriously; this is a satire about how Link gets paired with everyone under the sun, so if you see your favorite pairing, smile and wave hello, and feel free to laugh; it's all in good fun.
-This is an AU. This AU is a place called Hyrule where the Legend of Zelda games are filmed by actors, and all the actors mingle together. This allows all the characters from all the games to exist in the same time and place, and sets up the stage for the chaos.
-Trickster's Imagination and I had a very random conversation, culminating in our conclusion that because Link never ends up with a specified love interest in any game, he is asexual and reproduces by budding. If you're scared, turn back now.
The pace moves from rather slow to rushed and fast, to create the sense of being overwhelmed. Also because I can't list every pairing with Link in the series. So, sorry when it gets rushed. It was unavoidable. Still, have fun!
Credit for the idea and allowing me to narrate it goes to Trickster's Imagination.
"All right, people! That's enough for now! Two-hour break!" the director yelled.
Immediately, all the Bulbins surrounding Link stopped attacking and giving war cries and dropped their weapons carelessly on the ground, trudging off stage, yelling for refreshments, talking with their coworkers, or harassing some incompetent worker.
Link sighed, rolled his shoulders, and lay the Master Sword and Hylian Shield down, walking off the set and out the back door, hoping to get some quiet time.
A pair of eyes followed him.
Link walked over to a tree at the top of a small hill and lay down on his back in the shade, staring up into the brilliant blue sky dotted with wispy white clouds. And like the clouds, his thoughts began to drift.
Eventually, his train of thought meandered toward his future, and what he would do after the Legend of Zelda stopped filming games. He had always wanted to settle down somewhere nice and raise a family, but there was just one problem.
Link was asexual. And he budded.
Yes, Link the almighty Hero of Hyrule, budded. If Link wanted offspring, he would have to grow one out his shoulder.
However, when he applied for a role in the filming company, "asexual" had not been a gender option, so after a quick game of "eeny meeny miney moe", he checked off the box that read "male". But whatever was written on that application did not change how he would have a family, and he could not have a family until he was out of showbiz and settled down somewhere where he could raise his identical offspring in peace and isolation.
It was tough being an Asexual Hylian. Now he needed to think of isolated places to retire to, and how he would avoid any potential neighbors, and other concerns...unless he was getting ahead of himself...
"Um...Link?"
Link stopped staring at the clouds to see Zelda's solemn face over his head, a hesitant look on her face. Zelda was a fairly pretty Hylian girl, with bright blue eyes like Link's and long brown hair, which was currently hidden by her blonde wig. Many said she was beautiful. Link, being asexual, couldn't see it.
"...Yeah, Zelda?" Link asked.
Zelda glanced away and blushed brightly. "There's...something I've been wanting to tell you..." she whispered softly.
"What?"
"...Link, I think I've had these feelings for a while now, but I think...Link... I think I love you," Zelda trailed, flushing even brighter, bowing her head, and praying that Link would not reject her.
Link blinked.
Suddenly, Midna the Twilight Princess flew out of his shadow and took solid form, reclining in midair. "Oh please, princess, like Link would ever date you."
Zelda's face resumed its normal color, and she looked at Midna, confused. "...What?"
"You heard me," Midna said smugly. "There's no way in the Dark World Link would ever like you. I mean, you look like his freaking sister. And not only that, but you're just such a helpless, normal damsel in distress to top it off, always relying on him to save you, all the time. Who would want such a stereotype?"
"Excuse me?" Zelda said, affronted, voice gaining strength and eyes glinting with building fury.
"Now I, on the other hand, am much more unique. I can actually help myself, not to mention I've got attitude and I'm pretty awesome in my real form." And with a snap of her fingers, Midna reverted to her uncursed form; tall, striking, and beautiful.
"You accuse me of being a stereotype?" Zelda shrieked. "Your uncursed form practically screams Disney Princess! So what if you can help yourself, so can I! Not only that, but he still did all the work for you in your game! We are the same! So don't accuse me of being a "stereotypical princess!"
Midna responded with a snarl and formed a ball of magic in her hands, but suddenly Ilia ran up, yelling, "Stop it!"
Everyone froze at her sudden arrival.
Ilia jogged up to the group and slowed to a stop as she approached. "Listen, girls, there's no need to fight over Link's love," Ilia said. Zelda and Midna watched her curiously. "Because he loves me! I was the first girl he ever met in the Twilight Princess installment, and we've known each other for sixteen years, and he tried so hard to find me and save me, what about that doesn't speak of love?"
"He ran off and left Ordon at the end of the game!" Zelda shrieked.
"And even if he didn't," came the voice of Beth from behind Ilia, causing everyone else to jump, "He would have waited for me, because it's sooo obvious that we'd end up together, since Link is so dreamy and handsome and..." Beth squealed.
By now, Link had gotten to his feet and started walking away, and the little crowd of lovers followed him, arguing all the way.
"That's pedophilia, Beth!" Ilia protested, "And why would Link pick you when he's got me?"
"Why would he pick you when he's got me?" Malon said this as she saw the group, jogged up to them, realized what they were talking about, and hit Ilia over the head with a bucket. "We were so made for each other in Ocarina of Time. I gave him Epona, and the song was about bonds and trust and friendship, and Lon Lon Ranch was such a peaceful place, he must have felt so relieved during his quest to come back there and speak with his good friend, and with her comfort love blossomed... he even went out of his way to save me as Romani in Majora's Mask! I would have been carted off by Them if he hadn't cared!"
"You were just a friend! You are too hyper to win Link's love!" Beth yelled. "You're obsessed with Epona just like Ilia-"
Ilia and Malon gave an outraged gasp.
"-And anyway, what's pedo...pedo..."
"Pedophilia is when an adult loves a kid and it's not allowed," Ilia said. "So you can't love Link."
Beth began to pout. "Yes I can! I can when I'm an adult, too!"
Suddenly Saria and Ruto walked up to the group. "Hi guys! Wha'cha up to?" Saria called while Ruto glomped Link with a squeal.
Midna violently threw Ruto off Link. "You're a fucking FISH, a REPTILE, you can't love a Hylian or any other mammal! go find yourself some Zora to lay eggs with!"
Ruto screamed and launched herself at Midna, and the two abruptly began attacking each other. Saria looked on warily before turning to the rest of the group. "What are you talking about?" she asked."
"We are deciding who Link should love!" Zelda proclaimed.
"That's easy!" Saria said.
Everyone stopped to listen to her. "Who?"
"Me!"
Everyone froze again before Malon ran up to her and screamed, "WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING HOW LINK CAN'T LOVE KIDS AND UNLIKE BETH YOU CAN'T EVEN GROW UP SO JUST GO GIVE MIDO A KISS ON THE CHEEK OR SOMETHING!"
"Wait, so since I can grow up I'm allowed to love Link!" Beth said.
"NO!" all the adult girls yelled.
Beth frowned and marched off.
Saria frowned. "But I like Link... and so does Mido..."
Everything stopped. "...What?" Zelda sputtered.
"Yeah," Saria said innocently. "He's go this picture of Link as a kid in his house in Kokiri Forest, and sometimes he looks at it weirdly, and I saw him kiss it once."
All the other girls screamed at the top of their lungs.
"...Actually," Saria continued, unaware of the reaction she was causing, "Fado liked Link too. And the Know-it-All Brothers, and all the other Kokiri. And the Skull Kid."
The girls all screamed again, and Link stood in place, petrified, one eye twitching violently.
Suddenly, Beth came back, dragging a group of kids, including Talo, Colin, Malo, the Killer Bees, the Bomber's Society of Justice, and the two gossiping girls on Windfall Island.
"All right!" Beth yelled. "All of these guys say we can love Link if we want to when we grow up! And we ALL like Link!"
Link was suddenly the only adult standing, as all the adults in the group started rolling around on the ground, screaming, trying to get horrific images of Link with Beth, Colin, Malo, and all the other children out of their head.
"But Link will pick me in the end," Colin said, "Because he was holding me after he saved me from King Bulbin."
It took all of two seconds for Link to bolt.
"Huh? Where'd Link go?" Mido whined, having just run up with his photo of young Link.
Everyone looked around. "He's GONE!" Zelda yelled. "FIND HIM! WE NEED TO SORT THIS OUT AND FIND OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT HE LIKES ME!"
"HE DOES NOT!" everyone else yelled.
"DOES TOO!"
"DOES NOT!"
"DOES TOO!"
"DOES NOT!"
It was all over when they dissolved into fighting.
Link heaved a sigh of relief as he stared down at the group from the tree he'd climbed. It hadn't been such a good idea to climb a tree, but then again it was so close to the building he could jump to the roof for shelter.
"Hoo hoo! Link!"
Link's head whipped around as Kaepora Gaebora landed beside him, worried that the fighting crowd below would hear the owl's hoot. "Shh!" he hissed, indicating the chaos below.
The owl twisted his head and peered down at the fight. "Goodness! What's gotten into them?" he asked.
"They've all decided that they love me," Link replied, in a disturbed, irritated, and plain confused voice. "And now they are fighting over who loves me, or who I get to marry, or something. It's very annoying."
Kaepora Gaebora chuckled. "Well, at least you got away from them." Link grinned sheepishly. "Now Link! Fly away with me!"
Link's grin vanished as he sensed where this was going. "Um, what?"
"They will never understand you, Link! Only I can! Fly away with me!"
Link edged away from the owl along a branch, getting closer to the roof, before muttering a quick, "No thanks!" before jumping from the branch to the roof with a war yell. Unfortunately, the roof was not strong enough to hold him, being a building designed to be taken apart and moved, and Link fell through the roof. This attracted the attention of the fighting crowd below, so Kaepora Gaebora flew after Link, and the crowd on the ground ran inside to find him.
Link ended up landing on his butt rather painfully in Anju and Kafei's studio, as the couple was making out. Anju screamed, and Kafei jumped a foot in the air, and both stared at Link's intrusive, floored form as if it were Armogohma.
"Link! What are you doing in here? The roof..." Anju whimpered.
"Long story," Link groaned. "Now I have a bunch of fangirls after me proclaiming their true undying love for me. I'm sorry about your roof," he said sheepishly, dusting off his tunic. "I'll fix it once this mess is sorted out. But right now, I need to find a place to hide." He was about to walk out of the room when he noticed Anju and Kafei giving each other calculating stares.
"Kafei, the wedding's off."
"WHAT?"
"I love Link!"
"And how long have you been cheating me of your feelings?"
"Since Link helped save you."
"Well, you know what, that's fine with me, because Link and I are the ones who are going to have the happy ending!"
"What?" shrieked Anju.
Kafei suddenly got ridiculously passionate and dramatic. "I, too, have felt undying affection for Link since he so selflessly lent me a helping hand. Link!" he shouted, wheeling on the paralyzed, disturbed hero on one knee. "Marry me!"
"KAFEI!" Madame Aroma shouted, barging in and smacking her son over the head. "DON'T DISTURB MY LINKY-POO BY PROPOSING TO HIM OUT OF NOWHERE!"
"...Linky-poo?" Kafei asked, disturbed.
"Yes, my Linky-poo," Madame Aroma said. "Because I just divorced your father so I could go after the man of my dreams before he got to Link first and... HANDS OFF HIM, BITCH!" she snarled at Anju who was trying to make out with Link.
In the confusion following, Link dashed out of the very confused room.
"THERE HE IS!" shrieked Aryll, pointing an accusing finger up the stairs and leading the chase, Zelda, Midna, Kaepora Gaebora, and everyone else close behind.
"Goddesses," Link groaned. "Can this get any worse?"
Link continued to race down the long hallway, hotly pursued by the crowd which had added Mayor Dotour, Madame Aroma, Kafei, and Anju. Finally, he noticed that the door to the Evil Supervillain Lounge was open. Hoping no one was inside, he veered down the side hallway, dashed through the door, and slammed it shut behind him.
Ganondorf gave him a murderous look, for the slam had knocked the vases Ganondorf had precariously arranged off the shelves, sending them crashing to the ground. Vaati looked up from the television, giving the hero a lazy raised eyebrow. Dark Link and Shadow Link pointed their fingers at Link and laughed at Link, who had a disturbed, scared, confused look on his face, looking utterly lost as he thought over his predicament. Zant shrieked annoyingly. Onox and Veran looked up from their game of cards, and even Chancellor Cole seemed confused, although he still stole cards from the deck.
"This is a villain's lounge," Vaati snapped. "Get out."
"Five minutes? Please?" Link whimpered.
"What's going on with you?" Veran asked, clearly irritated, not caring what the answer was.
"Um... I'm being chased by fanboys, fangirls, and one fan-owl?" Link said.
All the villains turned to look at him, blank looks on their faces.
Vaati suddenly smirked. "Well, you should have come straight to me before you let things get out of control," he sneered. Link assumed he was thinking of all the girls. "Especially before my dear former teacher Ezlo found you. Oh, what would have happened then... if you had come earlier, I would have saved you from all those idiots. After all, you're my bishie-to-be."
Link was taken aback, a now familiar sense of dread rising in him. "I'm not following you."
Vaati winked. "You're my boy toy."
Shadow Link suddenly beat Vaati over the head with the hilt of his black sword. "You are literally one sick fuck, Vaati."
The wind mage snickered.
"Just because you have a larger villain role than me, doesn't mean you get whoever the hell you want," Shadow Link protested indignantly. "I get my light half. After all, nothing says hot like a good selfcest with a dominant dark side."
Dark Link kicked Shadow Link where it hurts, however wimpy he was for doing so. "You dumb shit," he hissed. "I'm the dark side. You're just some stupid shadow. Selfcest, yes. You, no. Me," he said, grinning evilly at Link.
Ganondorf suddenly punched Dark Link. Veran, knowing what was about to happen, stood up from the table and simultaneously blasted Ganondorf off course as well as disorienting Onox and Chancellor Cole with her magic. Vaati took the opportunity to rise into the air and summon strong gales, knocking all the other villains over and trapping Link in a wall of wind.
"Fools," he smirked, turning on Link. "Now..."
The other door leading into the villains' lounge suddenly burst open, and through it came an arrow fired by Blue Link, a bomb tossed by Red Link, and a boomerang thrown by Vio Link. The three Links dashed into the room, immediately beginning to clobber any villains still conscious.
"Uh, thanks guys," Link said as the wind died down.
"Don't mention it," Blue Link snarled, busy giving Veran a concussion.
"You can... thank us... later," Vio Link said suggestively, winking at Link.
Link backed up and bolted for the side door the Links had come running out of. Now, even his own clones, who were asexual as well, were lusting after him. WHAT IN THE SACRED REALM WAS GOING ON? He tried to ponder this as he sprinted down the hall, while Dethl, Malladus, and Bellum all rose out of hiding and leaped at Link, tearing after him down the hallway.
For about two minutes, Link struggled to keep ahead, but in an accidental cliché overused suspense building tactic, he tripped over a crooked floorboard planted by Sharp, Flat and the Poe Sisters, who, along with Dethl, Bellum, and Malladus, hovered over him, cackling.
A thin arm suddenly pulled Link to safety behind a locked door.
"M-m-marin!" Link wheezed, out of breath from the chase.
"Stupid monsters," she muttered. "Trying to take my Linky away from me!" she suddenly squealed. "After all, we have the closest thing to a romance EVER! So let's get married, ok? Ah, it will be just like a dream come true," she said dreamily, shutting her eyes and letting her thoughts carry her away. "We will sail away for a great honeymoon, and when the sun sets, we will lean in and..." she stopped her train of thought, opening her eyes and realizing no one was there.
Link had made a dash from her room, only to be confronted with both the Outset and Windfall villagers as well as the Ordonians, Renado, Luda, Coro, Hena, and Iza. Luckily, he met them at a four-way intersection, so when the other fangirl crowd met him from behind, and a bunch of boss monsters approached on his left, he made a quick dash to the right.
...Ending up in the Senior Living section.
He sprinted right back out again, followed by Orca, Sturgeon, Ezlo, Kotake and Koume, the Old Man, Sahasrahla, the Ancient Sages, and his own grandmother. Link jumped on many people's heads to get to safety, and combined with the confusion created from all the old people, as well as the concussions induced by Link's head-stomping, he succeeded in getting away. There was now quite a mob after him, which had the brilliant idea to split up and search all directions. He went one way, and all the Gorons he'd ever met would come barreling at him, attempting to give him huge unwelcome hugs. Even Biggoron chased him, although that only knocked down half the building. He tried another hall, only to be faced with the Indigo-Gos, plus Rutela, King Zora, Ralis, and Laruto, trying to serenade him with a very sappy love song. He tried to hide in the Fairy Fountain, and, well, yeah...
Ciela, Leaf, Neri, and Tael were currently trying to disorient the hero with their varying shades of light. Tatl went for a more violent approach, trying to beat Link into submission to the fairies' will. There was no telling what might have happened if the Four Giants hadn't lifted the roof up and taken him away, but then he had to jump a rather long way to the ground to avoid them, the Moon, and Majora's Mask, all looking at him with a little too much lust for his liking. He quickly healed himself with a mindless healing fairy, but even then he swore it tried to brush its wings up against him seductively.
Link finally found refuge in one of those mysterious holes he always seemed to find on the various Hyrule Fields. After catching his breath and getting over the weird fairy behavior, he calmed down and began to think through his situation.
Either it was Nayru's Love Day, when everyone tried to woo their love interest, and the goddess was having a little too much fun with Nayru's Love arrows, or it was Din's Fools Day, and everyone was trying to disturb the poor hero. Then again, it might also have been a bad dream, or some sort of twisted horrible misunderstanding.
Whatever it was, the hero soon forgot about finding the source of the insanity, because it was once again attacking. The Dexivines wrapping him in place were purring, Goddessdammit, and how could he have just now noticed that overexcited Floormaster edging towards him?
Just when he feared the worst, a huge group of Deku Scrubs swarmed him. Then he knew what true horror was. However, they all stomped on the Dexivines and Floormasters, giving Link a chance to get up and bolt. He ran through twisting underground passageways, trying to avoid the kissing sounds of ChuChus. Link thought he had finally found a nice secluded chamber to hide in when he heard the characteristic "Ga-net!" of Miniblins, and he hastily climbed to the surface.
He appeared on Hyrule Field a little ways from the directing studio, and the place was shaking badly from all the running around and collateral damage. He heard a window violently shatter and saw Vaati soaring out, bloody and unconscious. Ganondorf's characteristic cackle followed.
It almost made Link smile, but then Old Man Ho-Ho saw him from his telescope, and sounded what seemed to be a "Link alarm". Every person cast as a Hylian Knight was suddenly leading the charge, followed by what seemed to be every other character in the series. Behind them, many of the bosses he defeated were trying to swat down the people, and Morpha was really creeping him out. Link began running as fast as his legs would carry him to dodge fairy wings, sword swipes, fangirl screams, fanboy screams, random enemies trying to trip him, and even a clever trap laid by Medli, trying to find the one place he knew he would always find solace; his room.
This was easier said than done, as all the fates seemed to be conspiring against him, not to mention the elements of nature and the deities. He might have been mistaken, or even egocentric, but he thought he saw a streak of green in the sky hotly pursued by a red and blue, making their way towards him. But the Light Spirits were gaining as well and the King of Red Lions had somehow found a way to travel over land and he was gaining too and so were all the other rabid fan-people and fan-things and...
Link dashed into his room, slammed the door shut, locked the door, locked the doorknob, padlocked the door, padlocked the padlock, and even duct-taped the entire wall just for good measure. It seemed to work, and he felt and heard the groaning of the wall as the entire cast collided with it, almost causing it to snap halfway to the ceiling. Now they were all rhythmically beating against the wall, trying to break it down. Link heaved a sigh of relief. He could always catch his breath and jump out the window, and enact his retirement plan early. He began to think of baby names, and thought "Link" had a nice ring to it.
"Finally. They're all gone," he smiled.
"I know!"
Holditwhat.
"I'm so glad you finally got rid of all those wannabes, Link," Navi the fairy said cheerfully as she flew out of Link's hat after all this time. "I knew you would eventually return my feelings, but I didn't feel like dealing with all those losers. At least we're finally alone," she said happily, sighing contentedly.
Link blinked, inched away from her, and streaked into his closet, locking the door, locking the doorknob, locking the locks, padlocking the locks, locking the padlocks, boarding the door, gluing the door, taping the door, and locking that, before he finally stopped his panicked breath and slid to the ground, sighing with fatigue, stress, something akin to slight trauma, and burnt-out adrenaline.
As he sat on the ground, he contemplated the irony that an Asexual Hylian was hiding in the closet. He had yet to "come out", but what could he say? "I'm asexual" sounded very odd. Not that he planned on "coming out" of his closet, in any sense of the phrase. He stood up and pressed his ear to the door, and heard Navi's squeaks drowned out by the wall finally collapsing and flooding his room with deranged fans. Link smiled and heaved a sigh of relief. "Finally... it really is all over."
A very creepy chuckle directly behind him made the blood drain from his face and his smile wipe itself out of existence. He might have even pissed his pants and shit himself, but he was too scared to check if he had. His eyes slowly turned behind him, where the eagerly clasped hands and slightly disturbing grin of the Happy Mask Salesman waited for him.
"You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?"
*Stares at page in horror* *Stares at page thinking of how horrifying I must be* *Bumps the rating to M*
Oooooooookaaaaaaay... And that, children, is why your imagination can run away only after it has be vaccinated against rabies and given tracking tags. I scared myself with that random ending.
This is also why Link is NOT an Asexual Hylian.
If you didn't see your favorite pairing, or your favorite pairing to hate, too bad. I can't do them all, people. Sorry.
Remember, this was a humorous oneshot making fun of every single pairing involving Link that can possibly be conceived. If the M-rated section starts getting flooded with some of these nasties, you know whose fault it is. I have just brought great terror unto the world...
If you do leave a review, I do not want ANY comments that basically equate to "Oh but Link with So-and-so is the best and anyone who doesn't think this is stupid!", or "Link with So-and-so is the stupidest thing ever!". If you write something like that, even if I support the pairing with a passion, I will HURT YOU. I don't want a pairing war, or a flame war, or any anger out there.