Merlin's thoughts.

Arthur's thoughts.

For a while now it has felt like my Arthur has been slipping away from me. But today you came back. Thank you for that; I needed you. I was about to do something I would regret, but you stepped in and pulled me away. You held me to you, even when I tried to fight you off. You took me away from everybody, so it was just you and me. You held me to you, giving me your strength and your wisdom.

Just hearing your voice calmed me and brought me away from that state of mind where I would have happily ripped Aridien to shreds and anybody else who stood in my way. Anybody but you.

I wanted to break down and cry, cry into your chest. I wanted to you put your arms round me like you used to. You were my rock; I could feel your warmth all around me and you protected me. I never wanted to leave your arms, or your eyes.

I wanted you to say everything was alright. I wanted you to say that you would sort everything out. But you couldn't do that. The only thing you could do was give me a final moment with the man who has been the most of a father figure I have ever had. You gave me a goodbye and for that I will be eternally grateful.

You saved me. And, Arthur, you did a good thing. You broke the law for me. I can't just say thank you because thank you isn't enough. The only thing left to say is the truth. I love you. I have never said that to you or to anybody else before. I have tried but the words have always caught in my throat. That is because it was never true before. I know what sort of man you are underneath it all and I am determined to bring him out, as you bring out the best in me. I have left Gaius' cell now. There are tears falling from my eyes and making contours on my face.

I am on my way to your chambers now. I need to tell you this. I have been afraid to say it for so long, I know that you feel it as well or you wouldn't have done so much for me. At dawn I will lose one of the people I love the most in all the world. I am not going to let another one go because I was too scared to tell him how I feel.

Merlin. I know you are upset but you need to calm down. I wanted to shout at you; to shake you into some sense. Surely you knew that attacking Aridien would do nothing? I saw what was going to happen, but I knew that if it did then I would never see you out of chains again. I moved in and removed you from the room. I let you fight against me, better to take your anger out on me than anybody else; because I would endure anything for you.

When we were alone, I let you out of my grip. You are angry. You want to hurt something or someone. 'Calm down' I say quietly. You turn and thump your fist into the wall. Again and again. 'Stop it,' but you won't. You turn on me, walk straight into my body and pummel my chest with your anger. It doesn't hurt. Not too much. Again and again you hit me until you have no anger left. The only thing left is sadness. You are like a small child, crying.

I felt you crumple against me, like you had given up. But Merlin you can't give up. Because I am sure that Gaius is as innocent of sorcery as you are. And without you to prove it, he will die tomorrow. And if you give up Merlin, the last time Gaius sees you, you will dead before he is. Keep going for him, and for me.

I am breaking the law for you, to take you to him one last time. I love you and I can't bear to see you hurting like this. I only hope that once all of this is over, whether the outcome is good or bad, that you will come back to me. I want us to be like we were before. I want us to be better. We have both drifted apart recently but I want to feel you back in my arms and in my heart so much.

I have told you many things, my hopes and fears. But I have never told you that I love you. Some things have to remain unspoken because if they are said out loud, the magic of it is broken. I wish I could say those words to you; but I am scared of it. I'm afraid I have done all that I can. Please come back to me; I can help.

I have to say it now. There's no other way. I walk into your chambers, you stand as I enter. I take your arms and fold them around me. You instantly tighten and pull me deep into you. Now I can cry into your chest and I do. You just stand there and wait for it. Patient as a saint.

So here it comes, the final words. No catching in my throat this time but somehow I wish they did. Because as soon as they come out I will have jumped, flung myself from a precipice and the only way to save me is for you to say the words back again. And if you don't I will crash to the ground and soon be nothing but dust.

I take a nervous breath, look into your beautiful blue eyes. 'I love you'