Chapter One

Desperation. Panic. Helplessness engulfed me. These were the same feelings every time I saw the tears, the torment and the pain etched onto my mother's prematurely aging face. She cried often. The depression entranced her, the tears were glistening, and her face was not angry, sad, happy but blank, free from emotion or feeling. I was invisible. I tried to make her hear me, I shouted and screamed but she remained contained in her own bubble of self-loathing and pain. My throat burned and stung, my cheeks were wet and cold and my head was pounding with frustration. My vision was hazy but clear at the same time. It was a dream. I knew it was a dream. It didn't stop it from haunting me.

I woke up screaming, like always. The dreams varied but they still haunted me with their realness and intensity. A thin layer of sweat covered my face, like always. The dreams didn't stop me from sleeping; they just made me wake up terrified and sometimes crying. I hated those dreams, not because they haunted both my waking and sleeping hours but because I had already lived through them. These weren't dreams, they were memories.

My life before this was a time of suffering and torment, more so than now. At least now I was relatively normal. At least sometimes. You know my life wasn't always so dismal; I used to be happy and normal all the time. Back when my life was less complicated and complex and when living wasn't always such an effort. My life before.....before the incident. The incident which would change my life completely. That day I lost more than just my sister, I lost my home, my mother, my life and most of all my best friend. This is what haunted my dreams.

Now almost two years ago I was in a foster home in San Francisco, I had spent the last year being shunted from home to home. People don't want to adopt kids like me. They want pretty little babies and cute toddlers, not damaged goods like me. Not a seventeen year old girl with a troubled background. So I was stuck here for the time being, I was eighteen in seven months and would stick it out until I could leave, at least this place was more bearable than the last, at least I had my own room this time and people mostly kept to themselves not like last time where I was constantly asked if I was alright and I had to share a room with two other girls, Mandy the self-righteous know-it-all and Courtney the shy girl who talked to herself. No I was much better off here. Where I could keep to myself and try to ride out the storm.

It was this day, the day I dreamt of my mother which would change everything, for the better and for the worst. I was still lying in my soft and comfortable bed when a strange knock on the door claimed my attention. It was strange because usually no-one disturbed me while I was in my bedroom, they were supposed to be private. They were decorated in the way that we chose. I had kept mine to the tastes of the person before me. There was no point in getting settled. Seven months. So the room was bright yellow and a little to garish for my taste but comfortable enough. The person knocking on my door was waiting for an answer before they entered. A house rule.

'Come in' I called suspiciously.

The door slowly opened and there stood my social worker, Anna. Anna was about thirty and had short, spiky blonde hair. Her blue eyes were filled with excitement and anticipation. Probably for my reaction from what she was evidently going to tell me. She walked into my room cautiously and settled herself on the end of my bed.

'Good morning, sleepy head' she said.

'Morning.' I yawned. I was not a morning person, and Anna knew this as well as anyone.

'I have something to tell you'

'Yes, I rather gathered that from your morning intrusion', I was most definitely not a morning person; during the day I probably would not have been so rude.

'Erm, yes, I'm sorry but it kinda affects your day today so I had to come and let you know bright and early', She stammered.

This made me nervous; usually Anna was confident and bubbly even in the face of my rudeness. It made me intrigued for what she was about to tell me although obviously she thought I was not going to enjoy the news one bit.

'Someone wants you', she blurted out in a rush.

'What, I don't get it? Wants me for what'

'Someone wants to adopt you', she answered softly.

My head was swimming, why would someone want to adopt me? I was a troubled teen and I wouldn't even need to be in care anymore in seven short months.

'Why do people want to adopt me?', I whispered, stunned.

'They just said that you were the perfect addition to their family', she stated simply.

'Family?' I murmured, mostly to myself.

'Yes, they have two other adopted children, twins I believe, they're teenagers as well'

Wow, a family really wanted me. A real family. My imagination was running away with me before my brain could kick start itself. I couldn't be adopted, when it didn't work out, I would be hurt like last time and the time before that. People made promises they couldn't keep and then once they were done with you they just dumped you like the rubbish you were, the rubbish I was. It had stung...the pain. Not as badly as when....my own mother did it to me. But none-the-less, I didn't want to be hurt like the other times. But the lure of a family really got to me and I didn't know why. I had turned down families before, when they had wanted me. So why did I feel compelled to go to this one?

'They won't be like the others. They want to adopt, not foster and they know all about your background, before you ask. They just said that they wanted to give you a home, if you wanted it. Do you want it?' Anna asked questioningly.

She eyed me warily and almost persuasively. I darted my eyes back and forth, weighing the pros and cons of being adopted. The hurt...the love. Real home...foster home. Family...foster children. Was the risk of pain worth the potential happiness I might find with this family? I had made my decision. I turned to Anna, who was waiting expectantly for my answer which would change my life, I saw her eyes light up in anticipation, and she was clearly trying to gage my decision before it was out of my mouth.

'Yes. Yes, I do want it.' I stated simply.

That was my decision. I owed it to myself to try at happiness and normality one last time and if it didn't work out, sure I would be hurt but I wouldn't spend the rest of my life wondering if I could have been happier.

After that conversation with Anna, everything was moving at a fast pace. Signing of documents, meeting with more social workers, packing my stuff. Less than a week later I was on a plane. I was on a plane which would take me to my new family. I spent the plane journey thinking over what I would be leaving behind. Not a lot. I didn't have any friends in the foster home or San Francisco in general. I had never enjoyed the hustle and bustle of a busy city and wouldn't miss it. I realised how empty my life seemed at this moment in time, no friends, no family and no home. I would make this time different, make an effort with this family, if not for me, then for them, they wanted me before even meeting me and I would not make them regret their decision.

The flight was coming to an end as I felt the plane decrease in altitude. I was almost there. I looked out the window and saw the mass of green which was to become my new home. As the plane descent quickened, I clutched the locket which hung from my neck constantly. The locket held a small picture, it was my most precious possession and I held it close to my heart, it was my only reminder of my happier life. The picture was of my mother, me and my little sister. People I loved dearly and who I would never see again. The sudden lurch and jerk of the plane woke me from my daydream as we touched down. I suddenly felt anxious and unexpectedly in need of a pep talk for what was about to face me. I tried to calm myself as I waited for the captain to turn off the seat belt sign.

Come on now, this is something you really want and need. Don't screw it up. Make the best of what you can and try to make it bearable for the ones who took you on. You never know, you might make some new friends...yeah right.

The seat belt sign flashed and told me it was alright to get up now. I moved along the aisle and stood at the cabin door, taking in the lush green surrounding area and the dark clouds in the sky. Hmmm, looked like rain. Better get used to it, it rained here quite a lot or so Anna told me. I took in what was going to be my new home, Forks, Washington.

Come on, Bella. You can do this. Don't fuck it up this time.