Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds.
AN: All pairings for this story were decided randomly...and it was done in fun, so if you don't like it, I'd actually like to hear that as much as if you do. This is NOT based on the "Once Upon a Mattress" play, but uses the same fairy tale, so there will be similarities. Thanks to Kavi and Sienna for the prompt, I was really excited to write this. Enjoy.
"For a princess is a delicate thing--
Delicate and Dainty as a Dragonfly's wing.
You can recognize a lady by her elegant hair;
But a genuine princess is exceedingly rare."
-"Once Upon a Mattress"
Prince Derek sighed as yet another princess twirled her finger around her auburn curls. He bit back his frustration at the mindless conversation that seemed to preoccupy this woman's mind. He could feel his mother, the Queen, study him while the rest of the rooms eyes focused on him intently--waiting on any sign of disapproval. Finally, he had enough. With a slight frown and a shake of his head, he stood.
"I'm sorry, I must go. If you'll excuse me." He said politely to the woman his parents were hoping would be his future bride, the faces of those surrounding him falling in disappointment.
"Derek," His father, King David, warned sternly. "Sit down and--
"No." Derek said tightly, cutting off any further suggestions from his parents. Smiling chivilrously to the woman sitting across from him, he made his exit.
The many servants surrounding the long dinner table groaned in disbelief, "Not again" One man murmured.
"I'm sorry, is something wrong?" The fair-skinned princess asked obliviously.
Queen Penelope rolled her eyes with annoyance, "Oh, no dear. Nothing's wrong, but I think our dinner date has to be cut a smidgeon short--you understand. Right missy?" She did her best to try to mask the distain she was feeling. This was the last one--the last princess in all of the surrounding kingdoms and Queen Penelope Garcia would not stand for her son to remain a bachelor for the rest of her life. Standing, she quickly followed her son out of the room.
"I think it's best if you leave." King David informed the unsuspecting woman who huffed off without another word.
"Alright my dark chocolate bear, spill." Queen Penelope wasted no time in tracking down her only son. He was lounging in the courtyard, completely unphased by the commotion he caused in the dining hall.
"About what?" Prince Derek hedged slightly, knowing that if anyone could wrangle secrets from him, it was his mother.
"So, what was wrong with this one?" the Queen asked impatiently, tucking a stray blonde curl behind her ear.
"Mama--"
"Nope. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear how you're looking for a real princess. Derek Morgan Rossi--newsflash-- they have to be real princesses because their parents are real kings and queens. Believe me, I've done my research, quite well if I must say so myself--not like it would matter to you." His mother huffed angrily.
"Ahh, the all too familiar argument of 'What's wrong with Derek'?" King David mused coming around the corner to join his wife and son, a teasing smirk hidden behind his well manicured beard. "This ought to be interesting."
Penelope shot him an angry glare, to which David easily shrugged off his wife's supposed fury. "So what's wrong with her?" the King asked casually.
"What wasn't wrong with her?" Derek asked in annoyance. "Seriously? You guys thought I'd like her?"
"She was nice, and she had a little puppy that was absolutely adorable, and she--" Penelope explained.
"And she was completely full of herself!" He exclaimed. "I mean, I've had more tantilizing conversations with Clooney."
"Derek, don't be ridiculous. Clooney is a dog." Queen Penelope dismissed, though Derek distinctly remembered his mother having lengthy conversations with her collections of trolls.
"Don't be so quick to dismiss that honey," King David scoffed teasingly. "Look at Mudgie. I couldn't ask for a better friend--"
"This is so not the point." She threw up her hands in dismay. "Derek, this is getting old--scratch that--this is so past old that it's ancient. You've found something wrong with every single woman I have brought into this castle. David! Why don't you talk to him?" She turned to his father expectantly.
"I give the kid props for being able to stay single this long, I mean--"
"David!" the Queen shrieked slightly. "I just can't deal with you all right now. I'm going to my lair." She huffed as she stomped off.
The two men sat in slience for a moment, content to gaze at the castle's immaculate courtyard.
"I'm just waiting for the right one." Derek admitted finally.
"I know son, and don't stop looking until you've found her."
"Morgan," Lady Prentiss interrupted the silence as the two childhood friends enjoyed a walk around the palace. She called him by the childhood nickname that all but his parents referred to him as, "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure Em." He looked at her in surprise, the tone of their conversation taking an uncharacteristic turn toward a more serious topic.
"What do you mean when you say you're waiting for a real princess? I mean, by birth so many of these women are princesses, but--"
"So what am I waiting for?" Prince Derek finished her question.
"Yes." Emily smiled at the way her friend could finish her own thoughts. "I mean, don't you think you're being rather picky?"
"Well then, let's just drop this facade and you can marry me right now." Morgan laughed, with a twinkle in his eye.
Emily laughed heartily, slapping him lightly on the shoulder. Long ago their parents had attempted to arrange a relationship between the two, only to find to their dismay that their two offspring would only ever view each other as the very best of friends. "Would you be serious for once?" She said, rolling her eyes as her laughter subsided.
Derek smiled before sobering, "I guess a real princess is a lot of things." He admitted.
"For example?" Emily prodded.
"Well for one, she has to be intelligent. Any princess fit to be a queen needs to be able to understand the politics of the world around her." Derek admitted.
"Okay, and?" She prodded. There was no way she was ever going to find a princess to fit this ridiculous ideal he had in his mind if she didn't know the criteria.
Derek sighed thoughtfully. He didn't want to admit that he had given this issue far more thought than the common person would think. He knew he was an attractive man, and in his youth he had been free to bounce between women. But when it came to marriage, Derek--Morgan to his childhood friends--was far more cautious. Not only would this decision affect him for the rest of his life, but his future kingdom would be impacted. There was more to think about than just the superficial looks that had interested him as a boy.
"And?" Emily prodded again, knowing that this was a subject her friend had thought deeply about.
"And she needs to be able to get along well with people...be diplomatic, I guess." He shrugged.
Emily didn't buy his act for a minute. She knew Derek well enough to know that any quality that he was looking for was important to him, not some passing attraction. "What else?" She persisted.
"Why Em? Looking to fill the position?" Derek teased, attempting to change the topic.
"In your dreams Morgan." Emily rolled her eyes in annoyance, easily picking up her friend's discomfort. "I find this whole scenario completely demeaning."
"What do you mean?" Derek asked, completely taken aback. Emily had expressed her annoyance at the 'Princess Hunt' before, but she had never sounded so caustic.
"Well, it's completely anti-feminist." Emily shuddered. "It's like every eligible girl is paraded in front of you with her parents and the entire kingdom pointing out her good qualities like she's some slab of meat."
"Oh, come on Emily." Morgan groaned sarcastically. It intrigued him, the way that Emily spoke to him was different from most of the women in the kingdom. He always hoped that the woman he chose would be able to speak to him the way he and Emily spoke.
"No. Seriously, you want my honest opinion?" She asked, knowing the answer already.
"Yes."
"Okay, then." She sighed deeply. "I think there are a lot of girls that come for the opportunity to wed the infamous Derek Morgan Rossi, the First." She mimicked his name the way she had so often overheard the maidens of the land coo over their handsome prince.
"I know." Morgan groaned. "Why would they want that?"
"I have no idea." Emily teased, causing Derek to grin in spite of himself. "Seriously, I think a lot of girls have unrealistic expectations of what it means to be a princess."
"Don't remind me." Derek agreed.
"All I know is that you want a princess who doesn't want to be a princess." Emily deduced. Gleefully proud when he looked at her in confusion.
"What does that mean?" Derek scoffed, though he knew that sometimes Lady Emily Prentiss knew him better than he knew himself.
"It means, that all of these princesses are so caught up in the prestige of their title that they don't deserve to wear the crown." She explained.
Derek pondered her conclusion thoughtfully before nodding, "You're right."
"Aren't I always?" She asked, chuckling.
The Prince rolled his eyes at his long time friend. "Well, now the question is, if that's who I'm looking for, how do I find her?"
"How do you find who, my dark chocolate Adonis?" The Queen emerged from behind a large pillar and Derek groaned. "If you wanted to find someone specific you should have just asked. I am, after all, the Queen of Information and Super Technology."
"How could I forget?" He asked, smiling charmingly at his mother.
"Derek wants to find a real princess who is more than just a princess by birth." Emily spoke up, attempting to prod her friend to explain his true reasoning. The Queen and Lady Prentiss shared a knowing look and began to implement their plan.
"What does that mean?" Queen Penelope turned to her son, feigning ignorance.
"It means, that I want someone who deserves to be a princess." Derek explained.
The grin on his mother's face took him aback. He had expected yet another lecture of how many eligible women were waiting to "throw their petticoats into a bunch" at the sight of him. He really didn't want to have another talk like that. "So we give them a test." She concluded.
"A test?" He asked skeptically, even as Emily was already nodding.
"A test. Given by your dear sweet mommy." The Queen's grin widened further than he thought possible. "If she doesn't pass the test, and I don't deem her worthy of your chiseled biceps, then that's that. She's kaput." She explained excitedly.
"But, if she passes, then she's a real princess." Emily agreed, trying not to be overly eager in her agreement with the Queen.
"Really? I thought you'd have a problem with all of this misogynist testing stuff." Derek asked the raven haired woman in surprise.
Emily shrugged nonchalantly. She and Queen Penelope had actually devised this plan last week, hoping that Derek might finally find the woman he was looking for. But now, the entire hunt for his future wife was beginning to get ridiculous. She just wanted this over so that she could marry who she wanted to in peace, without the gentle chiding from her parents that the Prince was still single. But most of all, she just wanted her friend to be happy.
"That's all you have to say?" Derek pressed, knowing that Emily was hiding something from him, but not sure what it was.
"A test beats the meat market any day." Emily shrugged again, hoping that she had at least somewhat satiated his need for knowledge.
"So basically you want me to give up the decision of my love life to my mother?" Derek laughed, his pearly white teeth glowing against his dark, tan skin. "Think again."
The Queen feigned a look of annoyance before sighing ostentatiously, "What if Emily helps me administer the test?"
"I do know you better than anyone else." Emily pointed out, praying that he would take the bait.
"Fine!" Derek groaned, knowing that if the two women in his life teamed up, there would be no stopping them. "But no cheating." He warned, knowing his mother would eventually have her way anyway.
The Queen squealed with excitement. "There's so much to get ready!" She cried, hugging her son and scampering off to her chamber to make plans.
"I'm trusting you." Derek warned Emily seriously. "I mean it--"
"Please Derek. Like I would let you be with some bimbo. I have more self respect than that." Emily smiled in spite of herself. "And remember, we're going to find you a princess fit to be a Queen."
Derek smiled as his friend disappeared beyond the courtyard. "But do princesses like that even exist?" He mused to himself, shaking off the lingering doubt that he would ever find the woman he was looking for.