I Remember L.A.
Timeline: I know this has been done before but this is filler for a scene from To Love and Die in LA. I actually got this idea a long time ago but never took the time to write the story out, so here finally I get it out of my head.
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle. Again, it's just my way of getting to spend more time with these characters that I love so much. Thanks to Alexi Hawley for writing this episode. His words are contained in this story wherever I quote from Royce's letter. The rest is well, just from my own imagination. Thanks again go to Andrew Marlowe for creating these characters and all the writers, cast, crew and producers who create the show each week. We love you.
Also, I have read a lot of Castle fan fiction lately and I wanted to say thanks to all the authors out there who have created some wonderful stories and help us all get through many hiatus and lack of shipper movement. You all inspire me.
I am the only one who has seen this story since I wrote it in a few hours today. All mistakes are mine, but I hope they are minimal. I hope you like it! :) The title is inspired by a Celine Dion song I love and just thought it fit to exactly what I wanted it to be.
Her entire body was trembling. She was shaking from feelings of both fear and also want. A true war was raging inside her. A battle between her heart and her head.
Why did he have to look at me that way? I can't think when he does that. I feel like I can't breathe. It's like he can see into my very soul. And what do I do? Run away as always. Even when he said my name, just once, a plea for some kind of response, I bolted. I'm such a coward.
Kate had no idea how her hand got to the door handle. She just remembered feeling the coolness of the steel beneath her fingers as she gathered as much courage as she could to face the man she had so much to say to. Would he still be there? Has he given up on me?
She couldn't get the image of how he was looking at her just moments ago out of her head. It truly terrified her with what she saw there. She had known for a long time that he wanted her, but that wasn't what scared her. It was the reasons behind it. She knew it was more than just a physical attraction between them at this stage of their relationship. They cared about each other and when the two are combined, well most people would have already played show and tell.
But, how could she trust it? Especially when he just said hours before that he had been in this very hotel in the past with a Parisian supermodel. The last thing she wanted to be was just another conquest. She had never been that type of girl. But, wasn't she over those feelings? He had proven himself of late. She hadn't heard about him dating anyone and wondered could it because of her that he had practically turned into a monk?
With her heart beating erratically in her chest and her palms sweating, she turned the doorknob and opened the door. Her eyes instantly went to the couch where Castle had been sitting moments ago. Her heart sank as she saw he was no longer there, and saw his bedroom door close.
Part of her wanted to run the distance between their matching doors and plead with Castle to let her explain. Apologize for ruining the moment. Thank him again for the nice things he had said to her. But, she couldn't will herself to move. It had taken every ounce of resolve to open the door to begin with. She was afraid she wouldn't have the right words to say. She was afraid that the last thing she wanted to do was use her words. She wanted to show him what he meant to her.
As she closed the door, the handle had now turned hot and clammy. Her palms were sweating profusely and she couldn't still the trembling she felt in her limbs and in her stomach. She felt lightheaded and for a moment wondered if she would pass out. As the door clicked shut she decided to walk the distance to the bed to try to get the room to stop spinning.
At the foot of the bed she sat down and ran her hands down the front of her pants to rid her palms of the excess moisture. She took a handful of deep breaths. Slowly, in through her mouth and out through her nose. She tried to quiet the thumping of her heart.
What must he be thinking? What was he doing at this exact moment? Was he going to get tired of this charade and give up on her and move on before she was ready to tell him how she felt?
Royce's words kept coming back to haunt her. "It's clear that you and Castle have something real." She shut her eyes and sighed. She had read his letter a few times now with the same detachment she seemed to always give things that were hard for her to face. Royce was gone, worse than that he had been murdered and she wasn't able to save him. Her friend was gone and she would never see him again.
Kate felt the tears begin to well in her eyes and she grabbed for a tissue on the nightstand next to the bed to wipe her nose. How had she gotten to this precise moment? Reeling from the loss of another person she cared about, that she loved.
Is that why I keep Castle at arm's length? Why I only allow him to get so close?
Her thoughts then turned to Castle again. What it would have been like if it had been him lying there with a bullet hole in his skull? Her tears came even faster then and she had to stifle a sob that dared escape her throat.
She made her way into the bathroom terrified that Castle would be able to hear her breakdown through both bedroom doors and the expanse of the living room. She struggled with her own vulnerabilities, she knew that. She didn't know how to ask anyone for help, or how to lean on anyone else when she felt weak.
Kate glanced at her reflection in the mirror. All watery eyes and red nosed she was. She wiped at both separately with fresh tissues from the bathroom and continued to stare at herself. "You're a coward", she whispered. "Why don't you grow a set?" She laughed to herself thinking of the ridiculousness of that last statement. That predominantly testosterone filled bullpen at the precinct had been rubbing off on her.
It was then that something on the bathroom countertop caught her eye. Her phone! She didn't remember leaving it there, but there it was. And she had a message! As soon as she touched the screen she saw Castle's name illuminated there. A message had come through five minutes earlier that simply said "U OK?"
Kate's hand trembled slightly as she started to type a message back to him. Should I tell him I'm having a nervous breakdown in the bathroom at the present moment or should I simply make some kind of excuse so he doesn't worry?
Kate typed back. "yea, sorry I flaked. just tired, must be the jet lag."
Instantly, a response came back. "Ok good. I was worried. Sleep well. Good night."
Was this man for real? How did I get so lucky to have one of the sweetest, most caring men be my partner?
And why did it seem she didn't appreciate him? She so did, she knew she did but she just had a hard time showing it.
Kate carried the phone back into the bedroom with her and got dressed for bed. She pulled back the covers and crawled in. She lifted her head slightly off the pillow and spread her hair out from under her neck and sighed. She found herself staring at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity, willing her brain to shut down for a while so she could sleep.
She tossed and turned for what seemed like forever but in reality was only about fifteen minutes. She was never going to get to sleep without talking this out some. Usually this was the last thing she wanted to do, but she knew it had to come out one way or the other.
She grabbed her phone and instinctively hit the speed dial number. She waited a few seconds for the intended caller to pick up.
"Hello?" a man's voice answered. Kate was startled for a split second, not expecting who was on the other end of the phone. "Espo?" she asked tentatively.
"Yo" was the quick response she heard. This was Javier alright. He then asked "Beckett?"
"Uh yeah." she answered. Her left hand went up to her forehead and ran haphazardly down the length of her hair.
"Hey girl, you ok?" Leave it to Espo to want to make sure she was alright.
"Oh, um yeah I'm great. I was looking for Lanie."
"Oh okay, she's right here. You sure you are alright? Cuz I can ask the Cap for some time off myself and get out there if you and Castle need help."
She grinned into the phone and reassured Espo that they had things handled but she appreciated the offer.
Just then Lanie's voice came on the phone, "Hey, girl" she said warmly. "Everything okay?"
Kate sighed into the phone, "I don't know. I can't sleep."
"Kate, you've been through a lot lately. It's no wonder. I didn't want you see Mike like that. It's not good to see a loved one like that; it can take a long time to recover from that."
"I know but I couldn't just leave him there. I had to be there for him one last time. Our last encounter wasn't exactly on good terms, you know?"
"I know sweetie and I'm sorry. What can I do?"
"You're doing it now. I just needed to talk about it. And I'm sorry I interrupted your night."
"Girl, don't make me come out there and smack you." She could hear Lanie smiling on the other end of the phone. "Javi just came over so nothing was interrupted...yet."
"But isn't it like 1 AM there? I feel terrible enough as it is bothering you at such an hour."
"First of all, you are not bothering me. We are friends and that's what friends are for. So, what else is bothering you?"
Lanie knew her so well. She hated the way her friend could always tells there was a catch in there somewhere.
"Come on girlfriend, spill it! It's about Castle, am I right?"
Kate sighed again into the phone. "Yeah, it is."
"What he's trying to have his way with you against your will? What?"
Kate laughed at how ridiculous that sounded to her when someone else said it out loud.
"No, actually he's been the perfect gentleman. He booked this fabulous suite with separate rooms."
"So, what's the problem?"
"Me, I'm the problem." Kate answered.
Enough of this beating around the bush, Kate was just going to have to spill her guts.
"Well, for starters, he just assumed that I would stay at the hotel with him. I was angry when we got here and then I saw there were separate rooms. Of course, he had flowers and champagne and a couple's massage lined up for us when we checked in."
Lanie just snorted into the phone knowing this was typical Castle style.
Kate ignored Lanie's reaction and continued. "Then he has the nerve to brag about the last time he was in this hotel he had brought a Parisian supermodel."
Lanie dared not voice the thought that went through her mind just then, jealous much, Kate?
But, that's not even the worst of it." Kate went on. "Lanie, the way he looks at me, I just lose my breath. I can't even think straight and I'm afraid of what might happen."
"Meaning?" Lanie asked.
"I am still with Josh, Lanie. And I might be a lot of things but I'm not a cheater." The words rang hollow even to her own ears. She may not be cheating on Josh by having a physical relationship with Castle but she knew emotionally she was long past the point of no return and the physical was just a matter of time.
"Ok, I see. And that's very commendable." Lanie started. "But, girl you have got to start getting real with yourself and figuring out what you want and then going after it. Because if Royce's death should have taught you anything it should have been how fleeting life can be and we have to make the most of it."
Kate nodded in agreement "I know, I know. Easier said than done for someone like me."
"What are you most afraid of Kate?"
"I'm afraid of losing him too."
"Well, you have to first admit that he means something to you."
Tears started to form in her eyes as she said very softly, "He means everything to me."
Her friend responded, "Well, at some point he is going to need to know that. And I would suggest sooner rather than later. I see how he looks at you, Kate and that man is head over heels in love with you."
Kate thought back to her and Castle just awhile ago in the living room of the hotel and she knew Lanie was right. The way Rick looked at her, so many emotions so freely expressed on his face and especially his eyes. It's why she had to run away. She wanted to give into it. She wanted...him. So much so that the look in his eyes made her stomach clench.
"I have a lot of things to sort out, Lanie. When we get back home I have some real decisions to make about what I've settled for in the past and what I really want going forward. And I'm scared. I'm really scared about the power these feelings I have for Castle have over me."
"It's going to be okay, girl. It has to be. You two are the most right for each other I have seen two people in a long time. And when you both get on the same page, well, there will be no stopping you."
"How can I ever thank you for being there for me?" Kate asked her friend as she was about to end the call.
Just then Lanie did her best Dionne Warwick impersonation and sang one line from the song "...that's what friends are for..."
Kate laughed into the phone, "Thanks so much for tonight. I owe you one."
"You owe me nothing. I just want to see you happy." Lanie replied, and then added "with little Castle babies of your own one day."
Kate gasped into the phone as she heard her friend giggle and disconnect the call.
Kate shook her head and smiled as she hung up her phone and set it on the nightstand beside the bed. She decided to be brave and venture out into the living room in search of her bottle of water she had left out there.
She didn't know what to expect as she turned the doorknob. She still half expected Castle to be sitting in that same spot she had left him though she knew he was long gone.
She grabbed her half empty bottle of water and tentatively approached his bedroom door. What had gotten into her all of a sudden? She stood as still as she could to listen for any sounds coming from his bedroom. All she could hear were the muffled sounds of light snoring and she knew he was fast asleep.
Maybe that's what urged her on. He was unconscious. She could sneak a peek and he wouldn't be the wiser. She just hoped he wasn't a light sleeper.
She opened the door as gently as she could. Instantly, light from the living room illuminated a small corner of the bedroom. Luckily, it was the opposite side than where he was sleeping. She found him on the left side of the bed and she approached his sleeping form slowly. He hadn't drawn the curtains closed so the soft moonlight illuminated part of his face.
Kate was afraid of waking him if she sat down on the bed so she just knelt beside it for a moment. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. She noticed his eyelashes and how they made little flutters as he snored. Butterfly kisses instantly came to mind. She blushed slightly as she imagined those eyelashes coming into close proximity to her face, tickling her.
Rick's face was turned towards her but the sound of his breathing let her know that she was still there undetected. She watched him for a few moments more and then couldn't fight the urge to push back the hair off of his forehead. She spread the fingers of her right hand and let his hair run through the open spaces there as she brushed it back slightly.
Part of Royce's letter kept running through her mind as she watched the man she was so desperately in love with, yet unable to voice those words to him yet.
Risking our hearts is why we're alive.
Kate lightly put her hand to Castle's chest right over his heart and felt the strong vibration of his heart beating steadily.
Without thinking, she found herself leaning towards him, ever so slightly brushing her lips across his cheek and kissing him. This is okay, right? I'm just kissing my friend chastely goodnight.
She thought the contact was slight enough as not to stir him but just as her lips touched his cheek he turned his head to the opposite side of his pillow and their lips softly grazed each others. Castle let out a soft exhale of warm breath that blew onto her startled lips. Kate held her breath as she felt the tingles all the way to her toes.
She knew she was pushing her luck so she took that as her cue to get out before he woke up.
As she made her way to his door, she unlatched it quietly and padded her way the other side. She said softly to herself as she closed the door behind her, "I refuse to regret this for the rest of my life."
When she got back to her bedroom and crawled in bed, she picked up her phone once again and dialed out. There was one more person she had to talk to.
Once again a male voice answered the phone after the third ring. "Hello?" he said.
"Josh, we need to talk."