Another day, another block of text to waste your time with, eh? Today I give you a work that makes fun of all of those 'ZOMG I'm Voldemort's daughter!' fics, and if you wrote one: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. This just makes fun of the idea in general, no one specific is targeted. Thank you, and have a nice day.

PROLOGUE: The Beast is Born

Somewhere underneath the vast, overly described countryside of Britain, a man named Rodolphus irritably banged on a bathroom door. He was a dark haired man, and he probably would have been very attractive if his glinting brown eyes hadn't been rolling in all sorts of directions, and he hadn't looked as though he suffered from dementia. Tucked underneath one arm was a large, fluffy black towel, and a rather demonic looking rubber duck, and in his left hand he carried a basket full of assorted soaps.

"BELLATRIX!" He bellowed at the top of his lungs, and kicked at the door again. "GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!" Rodolphus was bringing his leg up for another kick when the door was wrenched open, and a woman stood in the doorway, a look on her deranged but beautiful face akin to that of a rabid manticore's.

"I'm doing something Roddy. Use another bathroom!" She hissed, and was about to slam the door shut when Rodolphus wedged his head in the doorway. Wincing, he whined at the woman. "But Bella, the other bathrooms are covered in disgusting sludge, and this is the bathroom with the biggest bathtub." Bellatrix just snarled and threw herself against the door, squishing the man's face and making him screech like an augrey. Wriggling he dropped his things and braced himself against the doorframe, desperately trying to get out of its vice like grip. Just as he was about to get his head from the door, something behind Bellatrix gave a shrill trill, and a long tongue snaked out and licked his cheek.

Rodolphus screamed and fell back, landing in his basket and allowing the door to close and lock with a crack. The rubber duck watched with beady red eyes as the man writhed on the ground, wiping the strange purple saliva from his face with his fluffy towel. Shuddering, he stood up, warily watching the door in front of him. Slowly he edged forward, and carefully, oh so very carefully, he leaned in and pressed his ear to the door.

"I know you're there, Roddy-love." Came a low hiss from the other side of the door, and Rodolphus squeaked and jumped back, tumbling to the floor again. From the bathroom he could have sworn there was a low chuckle, but he scuttled away and down the hall before he could be sure.

After she had made sure her husband had left, the deranged Bellatrix turned back to the bathroom. Scattered all over the floor were smashed vials and blood, and strange silver instruments were set up on the marble vanity. Several large tomes were propped open against the toilet, and the sink was full of bubbling orange slime. With her strangely pointed teeth barred, she faced the large, sunk-in bathtub, where a monstrosity sat waiting to be unleashed on the world.

It was sitting on the tap, with its long toes curling around the thick metal faucet like fleshy grey vines. It was bony and gangly, with scaly patches of skin along its spine, and small, underdeveloped black wings awkwardly keeping it upright. On its head was a curly mass of black hair, and its twisted red eyes stared at Bellatrix intently. Its large mouth was hanging open and displayed a set of large, razor-edged canine teeth, and a sickly green tongue coated in bright orchid saliva rolled around in its mouth. Draped around it was a large black towel with a skull and snake pattern embroidered on the edges.

"Tssssaaaaasssss!" The creature hissed, and Bellatrix gave what could only be described as a shriek of glee. Giddily the woman began to do a jig around the cluttered bathroom, and on several occasions narrowly avoided having a large piece of glass covered in Merlin knew what embedded in her foot. With a twirl, she came to face the creature in the bathtub, who was watching the woman from an angle that looked anatomically impossible.

"Finally!" Bella shouted, tossing her hands up in the air, "I have made the perfect clone for Him! Or," she added sheepishly, "as close to the perfect clone I can make. I really was wasting so much DNA on those others! I should have known this way would have been best!" She beamed at the still watching monstrosity, and suddenly it gave a wide smile, showing all of its teeth in a gruesome mess. "Yaaaaaassssaaaaaaa!" It screeched, and did a clumsy version of Bellatrix's Dance of Joy; causing it to tumble off the faucet with an ear-splitting scream.

In a flash Bellatrix was cuddling the creature to her chest, cooing in a strange, motherly fashion. Slowly it calmed down, and trilled as the psychotic woman rocked it. "There there," she purred, "I'll fix everything. Soon you'll be the pride of us all!" Carefully Bellatrix pried her robes from its grasp, and patted its head as she moved toward the door.

"Just stay here, lovely, I'll be right back." She said, and slid out of the bathroom.

"Rodolphus!" Bellatrix called as she skipped into the kitchen, a grin across her cunning face. From the table her husband looked up from his breakfast, still upset over the bathroom fight earlier that morning. "Yes?" He half-snarled through a mouthful of pancake. "Roddy, do we still have those ridiculous children's clothes that Mother kept buying us when we first got married?" She asked innocently, and Rodolphus choked, spewing bits of partially chewed pancake all over the table.

"Er, I, I don't know. Is there, er, any particular reason, dear?" He said finally, looking very pale. She waved his question away, turning away and skipping back down the hall. "Oh, no, not really. Juuuuust wondering. I think I'm going out today; visiting Narcissa, family things, you know."

In the kitchen, Rodolphus stared down at his breakfast, not sure if he wanted to finish eating or wait until he knew what was ticking in Bellatrix's devious mind.

Okay, so I lied. It's not really a prologue, it's just a crazy snippet that will eventually become the tale of the crazy cloned creation Bellatrix Lestrange made. Fear it.

Reviews etc. are always accepted, though if you scream at me in chatspeak I will ignore you. Don't provoke me.