He came over again today.
And somehow or another we ended up doing it again.
Or rather, whenever I'm with him I just can't seem to control myself. It's partly your fault. You always blush when I get near you, and start panicking when I touch you. Oblivious that it's exactly that reaction that makes me want to touch you more.
Having someone be so sensitive to my presence. It's nice.
I'm used to feeling ignored whether it's my old mother or my dad it almost seems like I'm invisible when I'm with them. I don't think they give a damn about me really. In fact they probably think it's a bother having such a brat as a son.
But you're always watching me, with those adoring eyes. Of course when I get too close you look away with your cheeks flushed. The way you look at me, it's so nervous, so shy. I remember that stare ever since I noticed you looking at me in the library. The way you look at me, seems like a little kid peeking at something special. Your eyes light up and your cheeks pink. Yet when we're together you avoid my stare completely, like you can't even stand to look at me because you love me too much. Just thinking about it makes me feel like a narcissist. Why do you adore me so much that you become so abashed when I look at you.
Am I really something so amazing that you have to be so nervous around me? No one has ever made me felt that way.
Sure there were girls who had crushes on me or wanted to date me. Some of them were shy and some of them straightforward. Most of them just liked my face or my height or the idea of dating a popular guy, someone with good grades, someone from a good family, someone who looks good. But I really don't think you care about any of that. If it's not the superficial stuff then what is it that good about me? I feel like maybe your innocent eyes see something I don't, maybe they see something special in me. Something that would make you pick me.
I'm so glad you picked me.
I was lost in these thoughts when you peeked up at me with concern.
"Senpai...are you alright? You look kind of out of it..."
"Ah, it's nothing, I was just thinking. What is it that you like so much about me anyway? It's not like there's anything special about me."
"N-no way! Senpai is very special!...At least to me, you're very...very...special. I don't think there's anyone else in the world like senpai, no one who makes my head spin and my heart flutter...the way sempai does..."
"What the hell is up with you?"
'It's just like always, he really just blurts out everything he's feeling at once. Just like at the library...he tells me exactly what I need to hear the most. I don't know how the hell he does it. '
Of course Ritsu misunderstood though.
"Ah..uhmm I mean, I didn't mean to...uhh I must gross you out or something..I'm sorry...I just-"
"No, that's not it. You don't gross me out...I'm happy."
I should probably be more careful with what I say. You're so simple that you only interpret my words literally, also for some reason you always assume the worst. I don't want to drive him away with a misunderstanding. I hope that he knows, how much I really love him.
His frazzled face lit up brightly he looked down and mumbled.
"Ah...if you're happy then, I'm really, really happy too..." He smiled very gently.
'I'm at my limit.'
And then I grabbed him, my precious first love. The person who acts like I'm something amazing, something great.
When my parents look at me their eyes are tired and disappointed. I always feel that disappointment.
And yet when I'm with you it melts away.
I don't think there's anyone I'll ever feel so good around again.
After we made love he fell asleep beside me on the bed. I told him he could stay over since no one would be home tonight but he always leaves after he wakes up. He usually wakes up before me so I don't see him off. This time I woke up though. I opened my eyes and I noticed that I could see our reflections in my mirror. He was already sitting up, I was facing away from him pretending to still be asleep and he was oblivious that I could see him through the reflection. He was looking at me...
Very hesitantly he gingerly brushed through my hair a bit with his fingers. He stoked my hair like I was a pet or something, very affectionate and so gentle. And sweetly he smiled when looking at me, as if happy to see his love. The kind of smile I've never seen before, the one he wears when he thinks I'm asleep. No nervousness, just sweetness.
Shit.
This is bad.
I buried my face into the pillow still pretending to be a asleep.
I can't believe it.
Why is my heart beating so fast? At least rate I'm falling for you so hard I don't now what to even do about it. Does he always do that? Who the hell is like that? So loving? In my opinion, I always felt like people only loved because they wanted to be loved. And yet, you just seem to love me from the bottom of your heart, the kind of love that watches over you when you don't even know it. What the fuck am I even talking about.
Even someone like me is slipping out of composure. You're so precious to me Ritsu, there will never be anyone like you for me again.
He got dressed and left quietly careful not to disturb me.
I didn't even get up, I was too lost in my own feelings. Someone as cold and heartless as me actually feeling what it's like to be loved by someone.
I want to see him again. Today, tomorrow, everyday, I want to see him. This fluttering in my heart, this lightness in my head, is this love? How mushy, I feel like an idiot all the time now.
But I guess I'm just stupidly in love with you that I can't even get a hold of myself.
Of course I would never let you know that, it's embarrassing enough as it is.
It's hard to get a grip when everything is your first.
Maybe in a couple years I'll gain some more composure, but right now I can't stop my heart from pounding.
"Hey, Takano-san! Takano-san!"
The voice I knew better than any other.
"Wake up, this is our stop. We got to head onto the next train."
We were in the middle of a business trip to meet an author.
We shuffled over to the next train for our station.
I let out a lazy yawn and slumped next to my love. He shivered a bit from the biting cold of today.
"Did you not get enough sleep?" Onodera asked mildly concerned, some dark bags under his eyes as well.
"Hmm, the cycle been busy this time, I'm too stressed to get a good shut eye."
"So even you get worried and nervous the night before a release."
"It's more like the stress to get things done. I'm always sure that we'll get good results though. As long as I'm around I'll make sure Emerald will stay afloat. "
"Sometimes I wonder where you get that overwhelming self confidence."
"Someone gave me it a long time ago."
"...huh?"
Takano grabbed Onodera's hand and just squeezed it gently. It was cold from the morning air.
"Wh-what are you doing in the train?
"No one would notice if you didn't freak out so much"
Onodera looked down flustered.
"Lets stay the night at a hotel."
"No way! We're going to catch an overnight flight so we can come back to work tommorow."
"We'll tell them it was delayed."
"Are you really my superior? And here I was worried about you overworking yourself."
"I would sleep better if you were beside me."
"...Wha-whats that supposed to mean...!"
"It means, this time, for the next 10 years and after that stay with me."
I don't want to lose you in a couple years or a couple decades. I want you to stay with me close to my side. Don't leave at night or early in the morning, just stay.
"You know, compared to the short of amount of time that we spent together. Ten years is a long time to not see each other."
He looked at me with his big eyes silently.
"In just a couple days I fell in love with you. A whole decade, thats days upon months upon years. Lots of new people. New dreams and goals. New relationships and connections, and 10 whole years to develop them."..."
"And yet I've never found anyone more important to me than you are."
His eyes widened in shock and he looked down flushed. He opened his mouth as if wanting to say something but couldn't. Here, holding his hand, sitting close to him on this crowded train, his side snuggled up against mine in the packed seats, it was almost as if I could feel his heart beating faster.
"It's true, I'm not exactly the most social person. I tend to ruffle quite a few feathers wherever I go around as well. But it's more like even when people wanted to get close to me, even when I wanted to find someone else, no matter what it always comes back to you. It's the same for you too isn't it?"
"What?...I...I jus-..."
Normally in ten years people change. I figured that you could have been married. Or had a girlfriend. You could have had a job and a family. And yet here you are, single despite your wealth and your looks. It's true your personality is one that doesn't easily open up to other which makes it hard for you to have a relationship. But that only makes me even more pleased that I'm the only one you opened up to. I'm the only one you let yourself love.
That's why I'll definetely make you say you love me again.
That after all these years you're still so innocent and shy. You still look up at me with those bright eyes and blushed cheeks.
"Onodera, I want to kiss you."
"I-I'm going to uhmm go to the restroom real quick."
And he stood up and shuffled his way past the crowd. When he returned he was still a deep red. It looked cute on his fair skin.
"I think-...I'll just stand." He leaned against the wall in the corner of the booth.
The seating became too crowded for him to squeeze in anyway. Takano got got up to stand next to him.
"Wh-what are you doing?"
Takano pressed him against the walls. They were standing in the corner together with Takano's back to the rest of the crowd. Onodera pressed against the corner, blocked from everyone sight by Takano's tall figure. Takano snuggled him against his chest. He opened up his coat and wrapped it around his small love.
"You're so thin I think I can button it up."
"What do you think you're doing?"
He ignored Onoderas squirming and buttoned up the coat so that they were pressed close together sharing the same dark fur-lined trench.
"If you're quiet then no one can see you at all."
"Th-thats not the problem this is way to close."
"Why? I like it like this. Isn't it something lovers would do, sharing a coat?"
"L-lovers?..!"
"The scarf would be good too."
He wrapped his scarf around Onoderas exposed little head so that he was completely nuzzled against Takano, his warm clothing surrounding him. Only Takano could see the little top of Ritsu's head and his face peeking out from the layers when he looked up at him.
"Why are you-...why are we doing this..?"
"Isn't it obvious? Because I love you."
He planted a soft kiss on Onodera's forehead. His frazzled face scrunched up in embarrassment.
"...I just suddenly felt the urge to capture you. I don't want you to escape and run off on your own again."
"What are you even talking about..."
"You know what I'm talking about..." I replied softly.
He bit down his lip and seemingly mustered up his thoughts into a flustered sentence.
"..I-idiot..! I'm not going anywhere..."
Even though his feelings haven't caught up to mine. Even though I still have so many insecurities about our relationship. The fact that he's so nervous just trying to make me cheer me up. Just this small assurance is all I need to melt away my worries. At least in this moment.
I squeezed him tightly and kissed him over and again.
My lips peppered his soft skin while he mumbled little things in some sort of shy defense over his feelings. Giving reasons about anything but their relationship.
"...I-i just mean...you know I have a job..."
My lips pressing against his temples and the apples of his cheeks.
"...-and it's not like I can just run away abroad anymore...so your worry is entirely unfounded...!.."
More kisses pressed against the tip of his nose and his eyebrows, his eyelids, his flushed face.
"I love you Ritsu."
"..I haven't even decided anything for my future yet..so it's not like-...!"
I let my lips meet his and kissed him passionately silencing his panicked explanations.
When I pulled away his eyes were looking up at me so vulnerable, his pale face dusted with a rosy flush. What is it that you see in me? What is it that makes you always look so scared of me? You look like you're just about cry. Sometimes we we make love you clutch your chest like your heart aches. What is it that you see in me that makes me the one person you couldn't get over? Am I special to you? I don't think you'd let any one else touch you like this.
I'll wait as long as it takes until you pick me, until you admit that you love me.
I don't think there's anyone in the world who makes me feel like you do. You're my precious special person.