Prologue

People say 'you don't know what you have got, till it's all gone.' I never understood it. I never even try to make some sense out of it. Instead I work hard, set goals and achieve them. There was no concept of losing something in my life. I never look back. Next goal, more hard work and then success. It has always been simple. There was never any obstacle in between this cycle. My life firmly depended upon 'control and discipline'.

But then, she came into my life and everything changed. My life lost all its control. I have done the thing I never even dreamed of. I became a different person in her presence, with her, for her. Even, my parents noticed it. But, I was such a coward. Always have been.

Well, now as I think of my past life, I think I was never brave enough to do anything right for myself. I was never brave enough to stand in front of that fucking pimp. I never hit him back. I never tried to escape that shitty hole, in spite of knowing that Ella will never protect me. But, I never felt bad about it. Because it caused me to meet Grace, my angel. I never thought that I deserved her love. But, she loved me, like her own son. I had a family, a beautiful family, to love and cherish. Everything was good. My family was happy. Mia had been blessing for our family. I loved her from the first instant she made her appearance in our home. A sweet, small little bundle.

Then came, Elena fucking Lincoln. In those days, I have to admit she was hot. She was everything I needed then. She helped me to control my life, taught me to live on my own and gave me goals and focus to achieve it. She helped me with all my fuckedupness. She was my only support on that time. My only breakout from my own inner monster. I always believed that I'm fucked up.

That also changed. I escaped from the trap called Elena Lincoln. But only because of her. She gave me a life to live. Before her I was just surviving, not living. Then she came into my life as a fresh breath of air. My living became meaningful.

I always knew that I didn't deserve it. It was too good for me. But as a selfish bastard, I grabbed the chance with both my hands, tightly. I never have thought that it was for so short period.

"Face the consequences, Christian." That were her last words to me. And now we can say it was her last wish.

So, today I have decided that I'm going to be brave. Today I'm going to face the consequences of my action. I'm ready to face everything, good or bad, which I have done in my life. Everything single thing which have lead me to this position, to his situation, here in Flynn's office.

"Welcome back, Christian." John says as we shake hands while his eyes are searching my face, maybe to get my mood.

It's always been like that he sitting there, listening and observing. Me, opposite to him, frustrated, angry, irritated. Half of the time we do not say anything to each other. I just sit here, processing every thought in my mind, analysing every situation. And then when I get everything sort out, I say good bye to him and I'm on my way.

But, today is different. Today I need him most. Today I'm sitting here neither frustrated nor angry but defeated. Today I have lost all the hopes, my mind is unable to process even a single thought.

"John." My tone is low, weak and sad. I'm unable to make eye contact with him so, I'm looking behind him on the opposite wall, at a painting of a beautiful beach. I don't know if it's really of a place or just an imagination, but it's beautiful.

Suddenly everything around me change. It looks like I'm back in time. The memory of that night still fresh in my mind, maybe in my heart.

"You know, I have never been on a beach." She says washing the plate in which we have just eaten our dinner.

"Really. How is that even possible?" I'm shocked. I have been telling her about my business trip to Hawaii. Sounds odd, but the fucker wants to do the negotiation there. So, we finalised the deal there and now I'm on 'off days' with my beautiful wife, who is looking quite sexy in her short sundress.

"Well, dad never got time for trips. I have never been out of this place except Montesano, of course."

"Do you want to go on a beach?" I will make your every wish true, baby.

"Yeah. I mean I have read in many books that it's beautiful, romantic, especially the sunset. I always wanted to see the sunset from a beach with you." She sigh. She has this dreamy look in her eyes.

I go and stand behind her. My hands snakes around her waist, I pull her towards me and whisper in the crook of her neck "then we will go to a beautiful beach, watch the sunset together and then make love under the stars."

"Really." She turns around, towards me, excited. Her eyes are shining and there is a beautiful smile on her face. She looks like a goddess.

I nod and smile at her. I lean down to kiss her soft lips. When our lips are few millimetre away from each other she whisper "When?"

I take a step back from her and close my eyes. I know my answer is going to disappoint her. "Soon."

I open my eyes to see her looking down to my chest. She nod her head and say in a small voice "I need to finish washing the plates." With that she turn around and resume her washing.

I hang my head in shame.

"Christian, are you okay?" John is looking at me strangely.

I blink my eyes rapidly to clear the image, may be to avoid the tears which are ready to fall down.

"Yeah. Sorry. I wasn't paying attention. What were you just saying?" I clear my throat.

"I said that it is really to meet you again after so long time. I don't remember when was the last I have seen you." He think for few seconds and ask "Were you present in the last 'coping together'?"

"No. I was away."

"I thought so." He smiles a bit. "So, what have brought you again to me, after so long time Christian?"

"John. I lot things have happened since we have last seen each other." I look outside his office window.

"I don't doubt it." His voice neutral, still.

"I don't know how to deal with those things. I'm lost. I'm frightened. I can't decide anything. I can't think straight. I can't sleep. I can't eat. Every time I close my eyes, they are there in front of me. But as soon as I take one step forward, it all vanish. Everything get destroyed. And I'm not able to do anything. There is pain, tremendous pain inside me, which is killing me. There is pain in my heart. I want to die. I don't want to live. I …" There is so much more I want to say right now, but nothing is coming out. My face is wet with tears and I'm breathing heavily.

John come to sit beside me and pass me a box of tissue. I take a few and clean my eyes.

"Deep breaths, Christian." John remind me. Shock is clear in his voice. He have never seen me this way, so broken.

After a few minutes, my breathing is in control. John take the glass of water present on coffee table in front of us and give it me.

I take few sip of it. "Thank you." I mutter silently to John.

John nod his head. He go and stand in front of the beach painting I have admired just a few minutes ago.

"Beautiful painting. Don't you think so?" He turn around to ask me.

"Very." I knew that he had noticed me admiring it. That's the reason he is a wonderful shrink. Nothing gets past his eyes.

"Wife gave it to me on our fifth anniversary." He is back in his chair opposite to me, but my eyes are still on beautiful painting. "Did it remind you of something, someone?"

"My wife." The words are out of my mouth before I can even think about it.

John's eyes widen for a second before coming to their natural appearance.

"I didn't know you are married." He says with a poker face.

"I'm not." I'm still looking at that painting.

"What do you mean?"

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Face the consequences, Christian.

"I…." I start to say but nothing is coming out of my mouth. I open my eyes but instead of the painting, I look into John's eyes, which are encouraging me.

"I have killed my wife."