Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of ADA Alex Cabot and Detective Olivia Benson. They belong to Dick Wolf and the wonderful and amazing women, Stephanie March and Mariska Hargitay. I only borrowed them to write this story.
A/N The title of this story is chosen for a reason. I wanted to use a song, or at least the title of it, from the singer P!nk for this story. I planned to write and post this story Tuesday, last week, as it was both our birthday. We both are born on the exact same date. Month, day and year. And are both left-handed. It's not important to others but to me it is since only 10 percent of people in the world is left-handed.
This story is AU and written with one person in mind and written for them. They know who they are. I hope they will read it, too, along with everyone else whom might read it.
This story is written from Olivia's POV.
As always, R+R please.
Just Give Me a Reason
The sound of heels clicking on the floor made my heartbeat speed up like it always had done and would always do. Only this time, unlike every other time, I didn't look forward for the conversation that would usually follow. In fact once I found out this morning that she would return to SVU, again, I went down to one PP and demanded, yes demanded and not requested, a leave of absence starting today. My heart was broken down one time too much and one more time than I could handle or take, when she left the last time. So today I used to finish up my paperwork. I would pick up my personal belongings, the very few I had on my desk, later tonight when everyone would be gone. When she walked into the squad room, I was just finished with said paperwork, and I stood up from my chair and pulled off my leather jacket from it for the last time.
I walked and passed by her without looking at her, knowing that if I did look in her direction or more specifically into her eyes, I probably wouldn't leave. And I knew that I had to leave, that it was me leaving her this time, because the last time she left, almost got me killed, literally. And there was no doubt in my mind that the next time that she would leave, yet again, would get me killed one way or another.
I knew it would probably be a very big shock for everyone once they would find out tomorrow that I had taken a leave of absence. I asked one PP to wait with giving notice of it, till the next day, to avoid all the questions that would be asked. Nobody knew or knows to this day, I think, what it did with me, every single time that she left. Nor does anyone know how I feel about her, Alex herself included. And I say feel not felt, because despite everything I still feel the same, hence the reason I needed to leave when I found out this morning that she would be coming back today, again.
I heard her calling out my name but I kept walking, walking out of the squad room, that had been my home for so many years. At this point not knowing if I would actually return back to it again.
Two hours after I left the precinct I got home, I had to get groceries and get my refrigerator and freezer stocked now that I would be home more in the upcoming time than I had been in my entire career as a police officer and Detective together. I planned on cooking dinner and then go to the bar at the corner of the street. I wanted to get drunk and figured it would be safer to walk the 100 yards home than to go to one of the bars I usually frequented and needed to go back to my apartment with a cab.
It was 10 pm when I was ready and about to leave my apartment for the evening but I knew getting drunk of my ass wouldn't happen when there was a knock on my door. I would recognize that knock in my sleep and I knew that the person knocking on my door wouldn't stop knocking until I opened up my front door and it seemed like my day would get worse than it already was. I knew that the conversation I had avoided so far, would happen anyway now, since the person knocking on the door was nobody else than Alex Cabot. I also knew that she would start banging on my door and wouldn't stop until either I opened the damn door or one of my neighbors called the cops and they would show up at my door, too. So I took a deep breath while I walked towards my front door, to calm down myself, and opened it. I looked at her for the first time that day and gasped at what I was seeing. Alex looked bad, she was as white as ghost, even with her normal pale skin, and her beautiful cerulean eyes had lost their twinkle and were almost looking dead at me. My anger was gone instantly and I was getting worried.
"What happened, Lex?" I asked,
while I pulled her inside my apartment and shut the door behind her, not noticing I called her Lex.
Instead of answering my question, she broke down in tears and would have fallen on the floor if my reflexes weren't so fast. The woman who was the strongest person I knew held on to me as if her life depended on it.
"What's wrong Alex? Did somebody... did somebody attack you?" I asked, softly.
Alex shook her head not being able to answer vocally. We just stood in the middle of my living room for 5 minutes before Alex calmed down enough to move towards sofa and we were able to go and sit down. The moment I sat down, Alex started to cry again, heartbreaking sobs filled the room and her body started to shake. Now I got really worried, beyond being worried if I was honest. She wasn't attacked but something bad must have happened to get her this upset. I've never seen her like this. I started to draw circles on her back while I whispered soothing words into her ear. It took another 5 minutes before Alex calmed down enough to talk with me.
"What's wrong Alex? What happened? Someone hurt you, who was it?" I asked.
"It's my own fault, so I guess I could say it was I who hurt me. Indirectly, since it's my fault, you were," Alex answered softly.
I jumped of the sofa as if it was on fire and burning my ass. I started to pace in my living room while Alex's words were echoing through my head. What did I do that made Alex this upset? Had I done something to her that hurt her that I didn't know was so hurtful? Was it possible that somehow Alex had found out that I took a leave of absence today, already? And that founding that out made her so upset?
The answer to my questions was given to me before I actually could ask Alex, one or all of them.
"You didn't hurt me on purpose, I know that for sure. That's something you would never do. But I have to know this, have to know it, Olivia. Is it true? Did you take a leave of absence? Am I too late and did I already lost you?" Alex asked me, more like whispered to me.
I stopped pacing while I looked shocked at the beautiful blonde sitting on my sofa. Did I hear that right? Did she really asked me if she lost me, already? And if did hear it right, what did she mean with that? I took a deep breath before I responded.
"I don't know how you found it out, since nobody was supposed to find it out until tomorrow, but yes it's true. I did take a leave of absence, this morning to be exact. How did you find that out?" I asked.
"I was at one PP, to talk with Lieutenant Armstrong for something related to one of the cases I'm going to be prosecuting. At the end of our conversation I mentioned that I was heading to the precinct because I needed to prep for the Anderson trial, that starts the day after tomorrow, with you. He said that you wouldn't be available for the trial, but that it wouldn't cause any trouble since Fin was the lead Detective on that case. That you wouldn't be at the precinct and not being available, for a while. He didn't exactly say you were taking a leave of absence, but I knew that's what he meant with what he said. I also know that you guys heard this morning that I would be back to being SVU's ADA again, so you don't have to be a genius to put one and one together and figure out that I'm probably one of the reasons, if not the only one, that you were leaving. And you didn't answer my second and more important question, Liv. Am I too late and did I lose you already?" Alex replied with tears in eyes, again.
I turned my head and looked away from Alex, the pain she felt was clearly visible in her beautiful blue eyes and it was my fault that it was there.
I was angry at myself for two reasons, being responsible for her pain, and for not being able to keep my walls up and around my heart and protect it against her. That she would, probably always, would find her way back into my heart. Even if it would mean that I would be destroyed, apparently.
"Alex, I care for you more than is good for me. Every time you left my heart was broken and I know that I would kill me if you would leave one more time. I didn't want you to know this. Because since you left us, left me, multiple times, I know you don't feel the same about me as I feel about you. I open up to you, almost always, whether I like it or want it or not. That's why I needed to take a leave of absence. I didn't want to have the conversation we are having now and have my heart broken into a thousand pieces because you would leave again, so I knew I was the one that needed to leave this time. Taking an absence of leave would give me time to think about what I'm going to do, if I'm going to go and leave to try to start a new life somewhere else, where I can pull my walls back up and nobody will ever be able to break them down again or get behind them, or if I'm going to stay here and go back to SVU, " I answered, as I knew that with this answer I just did exactly what I didn't want to do.
I sat back on the sofa and before I knew what happened Alex had jumped up and sat down on my lap, pinning me between her body and the sofa, and she kissed me. I kissed her back until my mind caught up and immediately I pulled back.
"Alex, what are you doing" I asked, as I gently tried to get her off my lap.
Alex didn't let me to push her off my lap though.
"What does it seem like I'm doing, or was doing I should say. I was kissing you," Alex answered.
"I know what you were kissing me. What I want to know is why? And can you please go off my lap," I asked.
"No I won't leave your lap because the moment I stand up you'll stand up and walk out the door even though it's your apartment. As for why I kissed you, because I wanted to. I have wanted it for a very long time, Olivia. But I thought that you didn't feel the same way about me as I feel about you. But now I know I was wrong about that," Alex answered.
I saw her taking a deep breath before she continued.
"Liv, thinking that you didn't feel the same way, is the reason why I left. Each and every time. I left because I fell for you and I fell hard, a long time ago. And having you as my friend was not enough, I wanted so much more but thought I would never get that. So I left when it was too hard for me to just be your friend, when it hurt too much. I left when I knew that I couldn't hold back anymore and was about to jump onto you and I was afraid of losing you as my friend when I would do that, so I left. And I came back when not having you around would hurt more than not having you as my girlfriend. I'm sorry, I caused you so much pain. So much that you felt the need to take a leave of absence when you heard I would be back. I'm so sorry, Liv," Alex said softly.
I looked into Alex's eyes and I could see that she meant every word she'd said and that she was truly sorry. But while my heart was opening up for her again, my mind didn't trust her. Not that I was going to let her know that yet. I said more than I wanted already.
"I know you are, I can see it in your eyes," I said.
"And I can see in your eyes that you're exhausted, so you should going to go to sleep. I know we have a lot to talk about, but if it's alright with you I would like to fall asleep in your arms, just for tonight," Alex said shyly.
For a second I wanted to turn her request down. But I knew that I had to leave in the morning and if I could have her sleeping in my arms for one night, that's what I would allow myself to have.
"That's alright. I would like to have you sleeping in my arms tonight," I answered.
Alex got off my lap and stood up. She turned around and held out her hand to me. I stood up and took her hand in mine. I was shocked how well her hand fitted in mine, my heart ached knowing it would be the first and the last time I would hold her hand. I walked to my bedroom and let go off her hand to walk to my closet and pulled out two shorts and two shirts for us to wear.
"You can change in the bathroom, I hope this is good enough for you to sleep in," I said to her as I handed her a short and a shirt.
"It is. Thank you," Alex said and turned away from and walked to the bathroom.
While Alex was changing in the bathroom, I quickly stripped off my clothes and threw them on the chair in the corner of my bedroom and changed into a short and a shirt. I walked to my bed and lay down on the blankets on my side of the bed and waited for Alex to be ready and to come out of the bathroom.
I waited till Alex was sleeping before I quietly and carefully climbed out of my bed. Silently I put on my clothes and walked to the door as I opened the door I turned around to look one last time at the sleeping beauty in my bed.
"I love you Alex, with all of my heart, but I don't trust you with my mind," I whispered.
I turned back to walk out of my bedroom, out of her life, when I heard her voice. I froze, thinking that she was still asleep.
"I know you do, I love you, too. And I know that you don't trust me. All I ask for is one chance to prove that you can trust me," Alex said with a husky voice.
I turned back and looked at her, looked into the blue eyes that would haunt me in me sleep and when I would be awake, for the rest of my life.
"Just give me a reason, one reason, " I answered softly.
"I knew when we went to bed that you would walk out on me and leave. I knew it when I found out you took a leave of absence. You can walk out of this apartment and leave right now, but be prepared for me to follow you out of it and go to wherever you'll be going. You're it for me, Olivia Benson. I don't care where we will be going to. For all I care we go to the jungle in South America, or the desert in Africa. I will be following, going with you anywhere. And if you want to have proof that I mean it, you can get it. I wrote my resignation letter and made a copy of it and I delivered it before I left the DA's office yesterday. You can read the copy if you want to," Alex said.
"You did what?" I asked shocked.
"I lost you when you walked out of the precinct yesterday. I'll be damned if I lose you again, forever," Alex said, with determination in her voice.
I could only stare at Alex as she climbed out of bed and walked towards me.
"Did I give you a reason to start trusting me, Detective, to trust me enough to give me a chance and for me to come with you?" Alex asked me softly when she stood in front of me.
I nodded at her. I swallowed to be able to speak.
"Yes you did. You gave me more than enough to trust you, with this, Counselor," I answered softly, still shocked about what she did for me.
Alex quickly got dressed while I just stood there.
"Care to enlighten me and tell me where we're going to go to, my love?" Alex asked,
when she was dressed and in front of me again.
"I was thinking of going on a vacation and decide there where I would be going to live. All I thought of was going to go to the airport and take a last minute flight and have my stuff moved over to wherever I would go to live," I answered sheepishly.
"Then the airport it is. We'll figure out the rest when we need to," Alex said.
I packed a suitcase and when we walked through the hallway to the front door I finally noticed that Alex had brought a suitcase with her when she came to me last night. I looked one more time into my apartment before I locked the door and turned to the woman I finally could call mine.
"I love you Alexandra Cabot," I said with a smile on my face.
" I love you, too, Olivia Benson," Alex answered with a similar smile on her face.
I took her hand in mine and we walked out of the building, away from our old life and headed to the airport to start our new life. Knowing that everything would alright and I would finally be happy with the woman I love more than life itself, no matter where we would be going.
The End
A/N2 I'm still dealing with a writer's block, as those of you that read my stories know, and I wasn't able to write and post this story on the day I planned to do it. The fact that this story is posted on the same day as the latest chapter of one my stories is because I didn't want to post a one shot before I posted a new chapter. A chapter for which I only needed to edit a few things to have it split up into two chapters and have this part ready to be posted. So while I want to post a new chapter soon, I don't expect for that to happen soon, unfortunately.