Sleepless in Bath

Very few of us can say, honestly, that they don't have any regrets. They can come in all shapes and sizes; some are small, whilst others start off small but grow bigger the longer we have them. Some of us, if we're lucky, can say they were fortunate enough to escape the pangs of regret by making the right choice right from the start. Others, have little time for regret because they are too busy looking forward to the further, instead of looking back at the past. Sometimes we can trick ourselves into believing we have buried our regrets by promising ourselves, time and time again, that we will change our ways and be better. Most of us, if we are truly honest with ourselves, will admit that in fact our biggest regrets are not the things we did… but the things we didn't do. What if we'd said the things we wished we'd said when we had the chance? Would it have made a difference? Would it have made it any easier to save someone we care about? Especially when we can see the dark storm heading their way.

April 2013 Bath

Charles James reached out and tentatively placed a reassuring hand on Sam's quivering shoulder. He wasn't entirely sure if Sam was shaking from tears or from the cold. He held his breath for a second, half expecting Sam to flinch and shrug away from his touch. Instead, Sam buried his tear strained face into Charles' chest and wound his arms tightly around his waist as he suddenly became overwhelmed by the emotions of the day. Charles had tried to answer Sam's questions as best as he could, but he often found himself falling short. When you become a first time parent, everybody tells you that you'll experience a rush of love and protectiveness like nothing you've ever felt before. There are countless books that answer all your qualms about what to expect as your child grows and develops into their own person. Nobody ever thinks to sit you down and tell you what to do and what to say to your child in the unlikely event that they lose a parent. Charles had spent many sleepless nights lying awake wondering why and asking what if. He'd vowed to stop else he knew he'd drive himself crazy.

Till the day he died, Charles knew he'd never forget the look on Sam's face when he finally comprehended that his hero, the person he trusted and admired most in the world, couldn't fix this problem and grant him his one wish. To bring mummy back. Taking a deep breath Charles looked down at Sam and asked quietly, "are you ready Scamp?" Who was he kidding? He sure as hell wasn't ready to do this. He didn't know what the hell he was doing. He was a soldier, a leader, used to commanding the respect of his men. How could he possibly stand there and even begin to contemplate how to say goodbye to the woman who had been his other half, his best friend, for over a decade? It just wasn't fair. Feeling Sam's small hand squeeze his large one, Charles looked down and stared into a pair of eyes that were so like his own. Rebecca always joked that Sam was all Charles in the looks department. A right little mini me. Charles felt a tightness in his chest that left him breathless when he thought about Rebecca and all of the milestones she would miss. Feeling a light pressure on his hand, father and son each took turns to throw a solitary white rose onto the casket. With a soft smile Charles whispered a final goodbye before gently steering a sobbing Sam out of the cemetery.

May 2013

Major Ian Williams lent back in his chair, his chin resting on his steeped fingers as he observed one of his best soldiers. Gone was the charming, confident Captain who was respected and well-liked by almost everyone he met. Instead, he was replaced by a man who looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He and Charles had been friends ever since their Sandhurst days and he was one of the few people who knew the history of Charles' relationship with Rebecca. They married young, having met at a party when Charles had just passed out of Sandhurst. Things had been great between them for a few years and they'd been ecstatic when Rebecca had found out she was pregnant with Sam. Charles had spent most of Rebecca's pregnancy deployed and the long months of separation had taken its toll, particularly as Rebecca had had a difficult pregnancy. Charles had only just made it back in time for Sam's birth, something Ian knew Charles had felt immensely guilty about. Over the next few years, as Charles spent more and more time away from home, their relationship had become strained and began to deteriorate. Rebecca had grown increasingly frustrated and despondent at having to do everything alone. Charles was never one to enjoy a settled life; he much preferred living out of a burgen. Although they both loved Sam, they both realised that they'd fallen out of love with each other and agreed to a separation.

They had been on the brink of beginning divorce proceedings when Rebecca had discovered that she was ill. Charles, upon discovering how serious it was, had dropped everything and taken a leave of absence to be by her side and take care of them both. He'd held her hand through all the appointments and chemo sessions, was there to calm her down and reassure her that she needed to keep fighting. He'd encouraged her and pushed her to fight through the pain, reassuring her that she was strong enough to keep going when she hit the wall and the pain threatened to overwhelm her. Gradually they grew closer, both finally feeling confident enough to open up and say the things they had been afraid to when they were married. It had been tough on them both, hearing each other be brutally honest with the other about how their marriage crumbled. They talked and reminisced together for the first time in as long as they could both remember and as the months wore on, they slowly found themselves rediscovering the things that attracted them to each other in the first place and began to see what their life could have been like if it hadn't so often been derailed by Army life. Both Charles and Rebecca were able to reconnect and found themselves slowly falling for each other all over again. After a number of confessions and a fair few tears, they agreed to give their relationship a second change.

Fate however had other ideas.

Pulling himself back into the present, Ian spoke. "Charles I know what you're going to say, but I really think you should talk to someone. You know better that anyone the dangers of keeping things bottled up. It isn't healthy." Opening his desk drawer, he slid a business card across the desk. "I can recommend my psychiatrist. He's really good." Without a word, Charles pulls a set of business cards out of the pocket of his cargo trousers and rattles them off angrily, "Hypnotherapy….Loss of Spouse support groups…Single Parents Book Club" Charles barked a laugh, his voice filled with bitterness and resentment as he continued to read through the cards, "Army Dads, Parents Without Partners, get a psychologist, hug yourself, hug a soldier. Oh and lets not forget about the importance of work. Work will save you. Work will get you through this."

Ian watched Charles silently as he passed the office in agitation, his fists clenched tightly as he fought to gather his composure. Taking a calming breath he spoke softly, "I think what I really need is some time out. I'm in no state to be deployed right now. I think it'd be best if you found a replacement. It's a shame, because this group seem a great bunch of lads but I think it's better for everyone in the long run." Ian nodded in understanding. There was no way he was prepared to give Charles the green light to return to active duty. His instincts were screaming at him that his friend was in trouble and needed to get help. He just had to get Charles to see it on his own.

"That's a good idea. Take a few weeks off, go get some sun. Why not take Sam camping? I'm sure he'll love a few weeks out in the wilderness with you." Charles, who had been staring vacantly out onto the parade ground, shook his head. "No I mean a complete change." At Ian's uncertain look Charles continued. "I'm resigning my commission and leaving the Army for good. It's not fair on Sam. What if something happened whilst I was deployed? I refuse to leave him an orphan. He's had enough heartache." Ian searched his friends face and knew, without a doubt, that Charles meant every word.

"What will you do?" he asked quietly. Charles smiled sadly as he met his friend's eyes for the first time the entire meeting, "I have no idea. All I do know is that I need to get away. Sam and I need a fresh start. Someplace where I don't think of Rebecca every time I walk around the street corner. We both need a clean slate."

Ian stood up and shook Charles hand. "Good luck Charles. Although you'll be missed, I can understand your decision. I'll get the ball rolling this end, don't worry. I only hope you can find what you're looking for."

"Me to Ian, me to."

November 2013 (Brize Norton)

Molly took a steadying breath as the ramp slowly lowered, giving her the first glimpse of English soil she'd had in over six months. The journey had been long and filled with a heavy, oppressive silence that left Molly feeling slightly claustrophobic, as if the walls of the carrier were slowly closing in. She'd slept fitfully the last few days and was absolutely exhausted. She felt as though she'd spent the last few days on autopilot, her body going through the motions as her mind replayed the events over and over again. Mentally stealing herself, she stood on shaky legs as she and her fellow soldiers adjusted their berets and smoothed down their uniforms, ensuring they were fit to undertake the harrowing task ahead of them.

"Ready Molls?" Giving a curt nod, she squared her shoulders and stood tall as she descended the ramp carefully and stepped onto the familiar tarmac of Brize Norton. As she drew closer to the small crowd waiting she stopping to stand to attention and salute as a line of senior officers waiting to greet her. Only then did she reluctantly turn to watch the coffin be carefully lowered down the gangway of the C-17 Globemaster. The remaining members of Two Section stood straight backed and sombre, their faces a mask of grief and concentration as they composed themselves in order to carefully carry their fallen comrade on their shoulders for the final time. Molly fought to keep her compose but couldn't stop the sob from escaping when she noticed Fingers pat the side of the coffin, as if to reassure their friend that everything would be alright. Except it wasn't. Nothing and nobody here today would ever be the same again. Life was so unfair.

The bond the members of Two Section had forged over the period of their tour was unique and not fully understood or appreciated form those on the outside looking in. The group that had been thrown together as squaddies and had bonded quickly as the harsh reality of war set in. They were no longer the Play Station generation pretending on the training field. This shit was real. Out there is was fight or flight; kill or be killed. They fought to protect each other, used their witty banter and jokes to keep each other sane as the boredom and monotony of life at the FOB set in. The members of Two Section had become more than just colleagues. They were each other's families. They knew each other inside and out. They'd witnessed each other's triumphs and failures and were on hand to put each other back together when things became too much. Molly had felt honoured and proud to be one of the lads. She'd never experienced a bond quite like this before and she doubted she would again.

Then lady luck decided to stick her regulation combat boot in and everything went straight to hell.

They'd been in Cyprus on decompression when it had happened. One minute Smurf was has happy as Larry playing volley ball with the lads, then the next minute, he'd clutched his head and fallen to the floor, mumbling incoherently. The lads had stood around laughing, thinking he was playing the class clown as usual. Molly was the first to realise that something was wrong and sprinted as fast as she could over the sand to reach him. She had been too late.

She'd spend the following days replaying every interaction they'd had, every conversation, every look, over and over in her nut to see if she could pick up anything out of the ordinary. A sign that she had missed. Why didn't she notice? She was his best friend. A medic for Christ sakes. It was her job to notice these things and she'd failed. She'd saved is arse once before when he'd been shot whilst out on patrol. Molly had risked her own life to crawl out and retrieve him, treating his injuries whilst being caught in the crossfire. She'd been mentioned in dispatches and there was talk of her being put forward for a medal. Not that she cared. She hadn't been able to save him when it had mattered. She'd been a failure. She'd failed Smurf and his family. Failed herself. Wiping the tears away, she turned and wrapped an arm around a distraught Candy, who leant into her embrace as if Molly was the only thing keeping her upright. As she pulled back, Molly couldn't help but notice how small and fragile Candy looked as she watched the lads pause in front of their CO so he could salute Smurf, before he stepped aside, letting them lower the coffin into the back of the Hearst. Candy eyed Molly sadly, her voice cracked with emotion as she whispered, "I gave the Army my boys and they gave me a flag." Molly, unsure of what to say, could only watch in despair as she turned and walked away. With a sigh Molly turned to re-join the lads and her interest became piqued when she caught fragments of their conversation. "What you talkin' about?" Molly whispered to Dangles.

"Captain James. He was meant to be our CO on this last tour you know, trained with us for nearly six months until he pulled out at the last minute and they had to draft in a replacement. The rest of the section were feeling slightly uneasy and disheartened when they found out. Captain James is well-respected, brilliant and experienced at his job. This would have been his forth tour. The other lads ripped the piss out of us. They were convinced that losing our CO so close to deployment was a sign we were in for a bad tour. To loose both your CO and the medic is practically unheard of. The others were convinced we were bad luck."

"Do you know why he pulled out?"

"Dunno. Family emergency or something. He was Geraint's Captain to you know. He was the one who crawled 200 ft on his belly to bring his body back. He was supposed to do a reading today but he got pulled away on urgent business. Shame really, you'd have liked him." Molly remained silent as she followed the others into the repatriation centre.

"You off home Molls?" Brains asked as he wrapped an arm around her. Molly sighed and rolled her eyes as she took comfort from the strength at her back.

"Yeah." Brains picked up on Molly's unenthusiastic response and squeezed her tighter.

"Aww come on Dawesy. Tis nearly the season of good cheer an all that." Molly looked at Brains with a raised eyebrow.

"Not being funny or out, but I ain't exactly in the mood for celebrating at the moment." Brains flinched and looked sympathetically at Molly. He and the lads knew how difficult things were for Molly at this time of year.

"You know there was nothing you could have done don't you? You did all you could Molls. For both of them. You've got to let this guilt go. It's eating you up. I know you said you were going home but if you find its to much, you're always welcome to come and stay with me and Jackie. We meant it when we offered you the spare room, our door is always open ok." Molly smiled gratefully, "Thanks Brains, I'll think about it alright."

"Make sure you do Dawesy. Make sure you do. Jackie will have my arse if you don't."

A/N: So i'm back with a new story. The first few chapters are already written which gives me plenty of time to focus on finishing my other stories. This idea is based loosely around the film Sleepless in Seattle. Please let me know what you think. R&R