Wolfram and the Six and a Half Mazoku

by alephitina

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs KKM style! Pardon the crack.

Title: Wolfram and the Six and a Half Mazoku
Pairing: Yuuri/Wolfram
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Parody. Major crack. You have been warned!
Disclaimer: These characters and situations do not belong to me. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" KKM style!

A/N: I would like to apologise in advance for any and all horrible rhyming, corny language and the abuse of the original fairytale – it was all a necessity. ;))

A/N 2: As far as I know no one has ever written a KKM parody based on the Snow White story. If this is untrue, than I apologise to the author.

Characters
Snow White – Wolfram
The Prince – Yuuri
The Evil Queen – Cheri-sama
The Queen's Trusted Assassin – Gunter
The Mirror – The Mirror (although, it sounds suspiciously like Shori)
The Seven Dwarfs (Alphabetically):
Bashful - Sanguria
Doc – Murata
Dopey – Yozak
Grumpy – Gwendal
Happy – Conrad
Sleepy - Doria
Sneezy - Lasania

Once upon a time in the far away land of Shin Makoku there lived a beautiful young prince. His name was Wolfram. And everyone loved him for not only was he beautiful, but kind and generous also.

One sunny day when young Wolfram was out in the courtyard practicing his sword fighting, King Yuuri happened to look out of a window and see this vision of otherworldly beauty. Upon laying his eyes on Wolfram he knew that he was the one and his joy was endless when Wolfram returned his affections. And everyone in the castle rejoiced for the young lovers.

Everyone, except his evil mother by the name of Cheri-sama. Cheri-sama was bitter and vindictive for she was jealous of Wolfram's charm and success. She had a magic Mirror that she would get out when she was feeling down (especially when it was THAT time of the month) and she would ask, "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who has the tightest ass of them all?"

And the Mirror would answer that she indeed had the most stunning rear imaginable, and Cheri-sama would smile her evil smile and her black heart would be content. Until one day not long after Yuuri and Wolfram had found one another the Mirror gave a very different answer, "Your behind catches eyes, but Wolfram's outshines a sunrise!"

Cheri-sama's worst nightmare had come true. Wolfram had beaten her at her own game without even realising, and Cheri-sama was out for blood. She called her trusted Adviser Gunter.

"I have had it with that blasted Wolfram and his charisma and perfect physique!" she said, "Always getting in my way. It's about time he was punished for all my pains. Take him, Gunter, lock him up and make him do paperwork until his last breath. May he be buried under all that paperwork!"

So Gunter locked young Wolfram up in a tower and gave him stacks and stacks of paperwork to sign. It was more paperwork than anyone could handle, and because Gunter had a soft heart he could not stand to watch Wolfram suffer. So he let the prince go, telling him to run away as fast and far as he can and never come back or he will be killed.

And so Wolfram ran far, far away from the castle (all right, so he never made it farther than the kitchen, but who's counting?). The Kitchen was where the Six and a Half Mazoku lived – Sanguria, Doria, Lasania, Murata, Yozak, Gwendal and Conrad (oh, fine, so the later four were only there to get a snack, but that is just a minor detail). All Six and a Half Mazoku were so captivated by Wolfram that they let him stay at the Kitchen and promised to protect him from Cheri-sama.

And so the days went by, and the beautiful Wolfram slaved away in the Kitchen. He broke a nail when he tried to make a sandwich and his shiny blond hair got dirty when he tried to reach for a jar on the top shelf. Yes, life was not easy for the young prince.

Then one day when the evil Cheri-sama was not feeling particularly beautiful (it was that time of the month again!), she dusted off her trusted Mirror and enquired,

"Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the sluttiest one of them all?!.. Wait, that didn't come out right!"

"Oh, and here I was getting ready to finally say 'You, you, you!'," sulked the Mirror. "Well, let's hear it then."

"What I WAS going to say was – Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the most luscious demon of them all?" Cheri-sama smiled imploringly at the Mirror.

"Well, in that case – You are gorgeous there's no doubt, but blond Wolfram always wins out!" Mirror rhymed happily (albeit not terribly poetically – it's a mirror for heavens sake, what did you expect?!), and promptly fell asleep.

"AHG!" cried the evil Cheri-sama in great distress. "That means that Wolfram is not dead! Must I do everything around here myself?!"

It appeared that she did, and so the evil Cheri-sama concocted an evil potion that was sure to knock out a sand bear never mind one slender boy. She threatened the Mirror until it gave in and told her where young Wolfram was hiding out, poured the evil potion into some good old Merlot, put on a dark cloak that hid her blond hair and off to the Kitchen she went.

The evil Cheri-sama ensured that no one was around, placed the glass with the poisoned Merlot on the table and concealed herself behind the door. Soon after Wolfram walked into the Kitchen and spotted the wine on the table. It was so red and smelled so good – how could he resist? So Wolfram drained the glass and collapsed to the floor. And the evil Cheri-sama cackled in triumph and swiftly fled so that no one could lay blame.

Not long after, the Six and a Half Mazoku returned from a day of hard work and, oh woe, found the beautiful Wolfram out cold on the floor. Their grief was endless (however they couldn't exactly keep a seemingly dead body laying around the Kitchen – the Food and Health Department would never approve), and Wolfram still looked as pale and beautiful as ever, so they took him down to the castle's dungeons and put him to rest in the most exquisite open coffin. And they cried over Wolfram's body day and night, but someone had to cook the food and someone had to run the country, so eventually they left him in peace.

Oh, but not everyone was at peace with themselves – King Yuuri had not had any sleep since the day he met the delightful Wolfram. A man can only handle so many nights of tossing and turning and so Yuuri went down to the Kitchen, where he discovered young Wolfram's tragic fate. And he too cried his royal eyes out and set off for the dungeons to bid good night to his one true love.

Upon entering the dungeon Yuuri saw young Wolfram lying there in the fine coffin looking as alive and beautiful as ever (yeah, fine, so there was a bit of dribble running down the side of his mouth and he was snoring rather loudly, but as we all know – love is blind, as well as deaf). And Wolfram's lips looked so very red and oh so very edible that Yuuri leaned over the coffin and gave Wolfram a true love's first kiss (ok, so it wasn't their first kiss exactly, they've already done way more than that, but that's just how the story goes.)

The moment Yuuri's lips touched Wolfram's he awoke from his deep slumber. He gazed at Yuuri with his clear green eyes and said, "Well, are you just going to stand there, you wimp?! Get in here with me; it's been a while since I had any!"

And Yuuri answered his true love's call and (censored) they lived happily ever after (or at least until Cheri-sama had another one of her fits anyway).

The End