After The Fact
Wow, high school is actually over. Four years of laughter, tears, pain, friendship that stays within forever. And on the outside looking in, you'd never know how horrible those four years really were for me.
I tried to convince myself that life and high school, no matter how long they seem, are too short to be concerned about social status. Sure, Lana Lang was my friend. By the end of senior year, we were practically sisters. But jealousy and envy are two important factors in every relationship. It's true. I envied Lana. She had it all. There was cheerleading, popularity, a cute boyfriend, other male admirers. Sometimes I pitied her for virtually being forced to live up to the high standards our superficial classmates set for her. I was just the girl-next-door-who-could-never-be-anything-more type out of the two of us. She was the sweet, talented beauty queen who was perfect inside and out. She got everything I thought I wanted. She even had an unspoken claim on the one person I knew I wanted: Clark Kent.
I've never hated Lana for any of this. The unspoken claim she had on Clark had to do with the soap-opera type love triangle consisting of her, Clark, and her boyfriend, Whitney Fordman. You know, the older, hot football hero everyone loves. I, on the other hand, always secretly thought Whitney was a pompous controlling jerk and that Lana deserved better. I guess I never put Lana with Clark because I always saw myself with Clark. I never had a chance with Clark. He only took me to the Spring Formal because he is a sweet guy and a good friend. That's all. Disregard the fact that he took off thirty minutes or so into the dance to save Lana from a tornado. I was mad that he left me for her at first, because he broke his promise not to, but I'm glad Lana was okay in the end. Had he not gone, I might've had a chance with him eventually, but I'd feel guilty about Lana for the rest of my life. I'd rather know he chose me over Lana truly.
Every second I spent gazing at Clark might as well have been spent gazing at the back of his head while his smile was fixated on Lana. I suppose Lana, Clark, and I made up our own little love triangle, but to choose between Lana and me? It was no contest. Lana won as she always did. It just goes to show being blonde really isn't everything.
(end original fic)
Sometimes I think that the Torch was what got me through all four years. Ask Pete, Clark, Lana, Lex, or my dad. Better yet, ask Lionel Luthor. I lived for the Torch. Silly me for being so naive when it came to Lionel. Funding for the paper? No, he wanted to run it like a dictatorship. Some freedom of the press. He wanted my intuitive reporter senses to do his dirty work. He did nothing but add to my list of all time lows: an adult blackmailing a high school girl.
Oh god the pain I suffered just to save my dad's job. Pain was my strengthener. I used like a jock uses steroids. Survival. The adrenaline rush it brought made me move from day to day. Sometimes after a night of tear filled dreams about my mom, I'd get up & leave the house just because I wanted to get as far away as possible. To this day I don't have the slightest idea how I made myself seem okay on the outside. On the inside, I was merely a bottomless crater (yes, my humor is coming out: it was also a reference to meteors) of sadness.
Jealousy wracked my thoughts & filled my days as I watched Clark & Pete go home to their happy, loving parents. Both of their parents. I can only imagine Lana felt the same way. Of course, I still had my dad. Then again, Lana's mom loved her but was taken away by forces of nature. Mine didn't love me enough to stay when she had the chance. Occasionally I have a happy dream of what my life was intended to be like before my mom changed her mind about my dad & me. We stayed in Smallville & I had a younger brother & sister. (Jake's 12, Molly's 8.) Clark has two younger sisters. (Kat is 14 & adopted while Danielle is 1.) Lana also has a little brother of her own. (Andy, short for Lewis Andrew, is 12- best friends with Jake.) In my mini- circle of friends, there are no love triangles. Pete has Crystal (a new girl in Smallville), Lana has Whitney (sadly enough), & I have Clark. It seems too good to be true. Unfortunately, that's just what it is. I've never told any of my friends about this. I don't want to know how they would take it. I decided to keep all this to myself after the mixed reception I got when I shared the "Wall of Weird". I didn't mean to upset anyone (i.e., Lana) with my hobby. I figure if the explainable type things that could happen in life (i.e. my dream) CAN'T happen, then maybe the UNexplainable can. I'm sorry that the idea of barn burnings & hand deformities from meteor rocks fascinate me.
I may never understand why we all stayed friends. I suppose it's because we all had too many "Wall of Weird" type moments together that we couldn't be close to anyone else. We only had each other to understand ourselves. Perhaps we kept each other sane. Poor Lex, he was beyond help when we met him. We just didn't realize it at the time. You know how he loves to drive at incredible but illegal speeds? That's how he treats every aspect of life. Sadly, there's not a light at the end of his tunnel- only a brick wall. It's as if all he knows to do is shift into "reverse", then shift into "drive" at full speed ahead.
Clark. What an extraordinary person. He definitely suffered from a Messiah complex, poor guy. Always there to save the day. I remember when I found out the truth behind his heroics. I drove myself to the Kents' house, enraged but tearful nonetheless. I couldn't believe that he hadn't told me anything. The look on his face when I screamed at him for lying to me for all that time. I hope I never have to see that look again. God, I was so hurt. I was also in shock to have seen him speed across fields and down roads as if they didn't even exist. I was so furious and scared. I know he can't control it. I know it's not his fault. But why him? Why couldn't it be someone else, somewhere else? I've asked myself that so many times that I've almost given up on finding out the answer.
Kryptonite bullets suddenly spring into my memories of high school. Clark's allergic nearly-fatal reaction to the meteor rock. The Wall Of Weird. Without warning I am drenched in horror with the thoughts of Van's hit list. My list. I wish I'd known his intentions sooner. I will forever have to live with the knowledge that my work led to innocent people's deaths. (Or almost deaths in Lex & Clark's cases.) No, I didn't pull the trigger. I just loaded the gun and aimed.
Damn. What would life be like without the meteor rocks (shower)? A voice interrupts my thoughts. "What about life without Clark?" I can't stop thinking about him. But it doesn't matter now; he has my cousin, Lois. Forget Lana. Forget me. If the shower hadn't happened, I'd pretty much be friendless. Or a complete prep-poser wannabe. I really do not like the prospect of either one. So maybe I'm okay with everything the shower caused... Wow, things really are better figured out on paper.
The good old days. Were the really that good? Yeah, better than what I originally expected in high school. It didn't completely **** all the time. There were good times, good times. Study sessions with a cup of coffee at the Talon. Last-minute-but-accomplished-deadlines at the Torch. Late night research on "meteor freak" related situations. Hanging out with Clark (sometimes Lana & Pete too) in his "Fortress of Solitude". Having a delicious piece of apple pie in Kents' kitchen. Good times. Memories, good or bad, they'll last forever.
Bad memories. The worst one I can think of off the top of my head is when Clark was sick. Even being completely unconscious, he put a knife through my heart. Lana?!?!? Sorry, Kent- you're sadly mistaken. I'm a petite blonde with serious cases of obsession (writing/meteor freak stuff), bug-loving (my beautiful red beetle), & lovesickness. Not your favorite brunette who co-owns an old movie theatre-turned-café with some awesome coffee. Nope, not me. Then I come back to present day. Come on, Sullivan. That was years ago. Who even cares now? I wish I didn't.
You don't realize the effect high school has on you until it's over. It scars you for life. Thanks to our "wonderful" government, I spent four years harvesting feelings that I'm thinking I may need to work out in therapy. So now I can share my thoughts, hopes, & dreams with some shrink just to hear that I belong in a cell next to Lex Luthor. He had, or should I say HAS problems within the family. I just have problems with a place that I was unable to escape for nearly half a decade. Wonderful, right?
Speaking of therapy, I decided a while back to check out my favorite safe haven for some advice: the internet. I found this awesome board where I can talk about pretty much whatever I want. I think the secret's out. There's like a million people from all over the world on it everyday. I can rant & rave without giving my identity away & yet get some advice from people who are like true friends. They make me laugh a lot & that helps me forget about the problems I've faced & will continue to face.
As I shut down the computer for the night, I notice the paper lying there. I usually take time to read in from cover to cover, but I'm too tired to do it today. One day won't throw me off the news too much. I can catch up easily with the morning edition. Screaming headlines stare at me square in the face. "BANK ROBBED AGAIN" & "BIG FIGHT IN METROPOLIS" don't quite catch my eye like their author's byline does. "By Clark Kent".
So Clark is a front cover reporter, huh? I should've known he'd be front- page worthy soon. He always did have some talent in that department. I can't help but feel jealous. Not only because Clark got the job I've dreamed of since childhood, but because of his co-writer. My lovely cousin, Lois Lane. I wouldn't be surprised if I looked in the mirror right now only to see a Wicked Witch of the West staring back at me. Jealous, jealous, jealous. Being Clark's co-writer- no co-anything. That IS my dream job.
Looking at the latest Luthorcorp based article, I'm brought back to our favorite local playboy millionaire. What Lionel did to him is beyond words. That... that therapy was cruel & unusual punishment. Lex never seemed the same again. Lionel proved that insanity is hereditary. If it isn't, it's an easily learned trait. It's surprising to see how greedy the world is and how we've lost our morals. If a psychotic rich-beyond-your-wildest-dreams kind of man can pay you off to do his dirty bidding, you should join in him in a padded cell. Unfortunately, sometimes you can be caught in the manipulative s.o.b.'s well spun web & not have a choice. If you try to get out, you could end up like Lex or poor Dr. Foster. Wrapped around a tree.
Emily. She caused so much trouble. Icy cold waters not only took her last breath but filled her veins for eternity, even as a clone. I suppose her intent was to inflict never-ending pain on others so she wouldn't be alone. Lord, she adored Lana. That aspect of her personality shone visibly in the clone. She loved Lana so much that she felt more than betrayed when she learned the truth about her death. Unfortunately at that age all you know to do besides love is hate. Emily seemed almost bipolar to Lana when she shoved her into the icy waters. At least that's what Lana told me when she had a nightmare & we talked about it. Just when Lana thought she had some closure, the wounds opened up again.
Wow, high school is actually over. Four years of laughter, tears, pain, friendship that stays within forever. And on the outside looking in, you'd never know how horrible those four years really were for me.
I tried to convince myself that life and high school, no matter how long they seem, are too short to be concerned about social status. Sure, Lana Lang was my friend. By the end of senior year, we were practically sisters. But jealousy and envy are two important factors in every relationship. It's true. I envied Lana. She had it all. There was cheerleading, popularity, a cute boyfriend, other male admirers. Sometimes I pitied her for virtually being forced to live up to the high standards our superficial classmates set for her. I was just the girl-next-door-who-could-never-be-anything-more type out of the two of us. She was the sweet, talented beauty queen who was perfect inside and out. She got everything I thought I wanted. She even had an unspoken claim on the one person I knew I wanted: Clark Kent.
I've never hated Lana for any of this. The unspoken claim she had on Clark had to do with the soap-opera type love triangle consisting of her, Clark, and her boyfriend, Whitney Fordman. You know, the older, hot football hero everyone loves. I, on the other hand, always secretly thought Whitney was a pompous controlling jerk and that Lana deserved better. I guess I never put Lana with Clark because I always saw myself with Clark. I never had a chance with Clark. He only took me to the Spring Formal because he is a sweet guy and a good friend. That's all. Disregard the fact that he took off thirty minutes or so into the dance to save Lana from a tornado. I was mad that he left me for her at first, because he broke his promise not to, but I'm glad Lana was okay in the end. Had he not gone, I might've had a chance with him eventually, but I'd feel guilty about Lana for the rest of my life. I'd rather know he chose me over Lana truly.
Every second I spent gazing at Clark might as well have been spent gazing at the back of his head while his smile was fixated on Lana. I suppose Lana, Clark, and I made up our own little love triangle, but to choose between Lana and me? It was no contest. Lana won as she always did. It just goes to show being blonde really isn't everything.
(end original fic)
Sometimes I think that the Torch was what got me through all four years. Ask Pete, Clark, Lana, Lex, or my dad. Better yet, ask Lionel Luthor. I lived for the Torch. Silly me for being so naive when it came to Lionel. Funding for the paper? No, he wanted to run it like a dictatorship. Some freedom of the press. He wanted my intuitive reporter senses to do his dirty work. He did nothing but add to my list of all time lows: an adult blackmailing a high school girl.
Oh god the pain I suffered just to save my dad's job. Pain was my strengthener. I used like a jock uses steroids. Survival. The adrenaline rush it brought made me move from day to day. Sometimes after a night of tear filled dreams about my mom, I'd get up & leave the house just because I wanted to get as far away as possible. To this day I don't have the slightest idea how I made myself seem okay on the outside. On the inside, I was merely a bottomless crater (yes, my humor is coming out: it was also a reference to meteors) of sadness.
Jealousy wracked my thoughts & filled my days as I watched Clark & Pete go home to their happy, loving parents. Both of their parents. I can only imagine Lana felt the same way. Of course, I still had my dad. Then again, Lana's mom loved her but was taken away by forces of nature. Mine didn't love me enough to stay when she had the chance. Occasionally I have a happy dream of what my life was intended to be like before my mom changed her mind about my dad & me. We stayed in Smallville & I had a younger brother & sister. (Jake's 12, Molly's 8.) Clark has two younger sisters. (Kat is 14 & adopted while Danielle is 1.) Lana also has a little brother of her own. (Andy, short for Lewis Andrew, is 12- best friends with Jake.) In my mini- circle of friends, there are no love triangles. Pete has Crystal (a new girl in Smallville), Lana has Whitney (sadly enough), & I have Clark. It seems too good to be true. Unfortunately, that's just what it is. I've never told any of my friends about this. I don't want to know how they would take it. I decided to keep all this to myself after the mixed reception I got when I shared the "Wall of Weird". I didn't mean to upset anyone (i.e., Lana) with my hobby. I figure if the explainable type things that could happen in life (i.e. my dream) CAN'T happen, then maybe the UNexplainable can. I'm sorry that the idea of barn burnings & hand deformities from meteor rocks fascinate me.
I may never understand why we all stayed friends. I suppose it's because we all had too many "Wall of Weird" type moments together that we couldn't be close to anyone else. We only had each other to understand ourselves. Perhaps we kept each other sane. Poor Lex, he was beyond help when we met him. We just didn't realize it at the time. You know how he loves to drive at incredible but illegal speeds? That's how he treats every aspect of life. Sadly, there's not a light at the end of his tunnel- only a brick wall. It's as if all he knows to do is shift into "reverse", then shift into "drive" at full speed ahead.
Clark. What an extraordinary person. He definitely suffered from a Messiah complex, poor guy. Always there to save the day. I remember when I found out the truth behind his heroics. I drove myself to the Kents' house, enraged but tearful nonetheless. I couldn't believe that he hadn't told me anything. The look on his face when I screamed at him for lying to me for all that time. I hope I never have to see that look again. God, I was so hurt. I was also in shock to have seen him speed across fields and down roads as if they didn't even exist. I was so furious and scared. I know he can't control it. I know it's not his fault. But why him? Why couldn't it be someone else, somewhere else? I've asked myself that so many times that I've almost given up on finding out the answer.
Kryptonite bullets suddenly spring into my memories of high school. Clark's allergic nearly-fatal reaction to the meteor rock. The Wall Of Weird. Without warning I am drenched in horror with the thoughts of Van's hit list. My list. I wish I'd known his intentions sooner. I will forever have to live with the knowledge that my work led to innocent people's deaths. (Or almost deaths in Lex & Clark's cases.) No, I didn't pull the trigger. I just loaded the gun and aimed.
Damn. What would life be like without the meteor rocks (shower)? A voice interrupts my thoughts. "What about life without Clark?" I can't stop thinking about him. But it doesn't matter now; he has my cousin, Lois. Forget Lana. Forget me. If the shower hadn't happened, I'd pretty much be friendless. Or a complete prep-poser wannabe. I really do not like the prospect of either one. So maybe I'm okay with everything the shower caused... Wow, things really are better figured out on paper.
The good old days. Were the really that good? Yeah, better than what I originally expected in high school. It didn't completely **** all the time. There were good times, good times. Study sessions with a cup of coffee at the Talon. Last-minute-but-accomplished-deadlines at the Torch. Late night research on "meteor freak" related situations. Hanging out with Clark (sometimes Lana & Pete too) in his "Fortress of Solitude". Having a delicious piece of apple pie in Kents' kitchen. Good times. Memories, good or bad, they'll last forever.
Bad memories. The worst one I can think of off the top of my head is when Clark was sick. Even being completely unconscious, he put a knife through my heart. Lana?!?!? Sorry, Kent- you're sadly mistaken. I'm a petite blonde with serious cases of obsession (writing/meteor freak stuff), bug-loving (my beautiful red beetle), & lovesickness. Not your favorite brunette who co-owns an old movie theatre-turned-café with some awesome coffee. Nope, not me. Then I come back to present day. Come on, Sullivan. That was years ago. Who even cares now? I wish I didn't.
You don't realize the effect high school has on you until it's over. It scars you for life. Thanks to our "wonderful" government, I spent four years harvesting feelings that I'm thinking I may need to work out in therapy. So now I can share my thoughts, hopes, & dreams with some shrink just to hear that I belong in a cell next to Lex Luthor. He had, or should I say HAS problems within the family. I just have problems with a place that I was unable to escape for nearly half a decade. Wonderful, right?
Speaking of therapy, I decided a while back to check out my favorite safe haven for some advice: the internet. I found this awesome board where I can talk about pretty much whatever I want. I think the secret's out. There's like a million people from all over the world on it everyday. I can rant & rave without giving my identity away & yet get some advice from people who are like true friends. They make me laugh a lot & that helps me forget about the problems I've faced & will continue to face.
As I shut down the computer for the night, I notice the paper lying there. I usually take time to read in from cover to cover, but I'm too tired to do it today. One day won't throw me off the news too much. I can catch up easily with the morning edition. Screaming headlines stare at me square in the face. "BANK ROBBED AGAIN" & "BIG FIGHT IN METROPOLIS" don't quite catch my eye like their author's byline does. "By Clark Kent".
So Clark is a front cover reporter, huh? I should've known he'd be front- page worthy soon. He always did have some talent in that department. I can't help but feel jealous. Not only because Clark got the job I've dreamed of since childhood, but because of his co-writer. My lovely cousin, Lois Lane. I wouldn't be surprised if I looked in the mirror right now only to see a Wicked Witch of the West staring back at me. Jealous, jealous, jealous. Being Clark's co-writer- no co-anything. That IS my dream job.
Looking at the latest Luthorcorp based article, I'm brought back to our favorite local playboy millionaire. What Lionel did to him is beyond words. That... that therapy was cruel & unusual punishment. Lex never seemed the same again. Lionel proved that insanity is hereditary. If it isn't, it's an easily learned trait. It's surprising to see how greedy the world is and how we've lost our morals. If a psychotic rich-beyond-your-wildest-dreams kind of man can pay you off to do his dirty bidding, you should join in him in a padded cell. Unfortunately, sometimes you can be caught in the manipulative s.o.b.'s well spun web & not have a choice. If you try to get out, you could end up like Lex or poor Dr. Foster. Wrapped around a tree.
Emily. She caused so much trouble. Icy cold waters not only took her last breath but filled her veins for eternity, even as a clone. I suppose her intent was to inflict never-ending pain on others so she wouldn't be alone. Lord, she adored Lana. That aspect of her personality shone visibly in the clone. She loved Lana so much that she felt more than betrayed when she learned the truth about her death. Unfortunately at that age all you know to do besides love is hate. Emily seemed almost bipolar to Lana when she shoved her into the icy waters. At least that's what Lana told me when she had a nightmare & we talked about it. Just when Lana thought she had some closure, the wounds opened up again.