Chapter One
A creepy old hag with a grey beard and thick, dandruffy eyebrows shuffled towards the gates of Konoha village, looking decidedly hong bo (KONG BU er!!!). She was dressed in a ragged red shirt, a pair of faded pants and an ugly red pokeball-print bandanna. The hag was wheeling a rickety, rotting cart with a dead body in it. The body was wrapped in tarpaulin and was buzzing with flies.
The guards flinched when the gravedigging hag screeched to a stop and leered nastily at them. She smelled like a violent mix between a used piece of toilet paper and a maggotty piece of trash.
"Er, passport please?" said one guard stiffly, trying hard not to hold his nose. The other guards backed away into the guardhouse.
"Oops, meh bad," said the gravedigging hag. "Now, where's me passport?" She fished around in her pocket, then pulled out a set of crumpled, yellowing papers. "Ah, here we are, meh preety passy ports."
The guard cautiously took out a pair of emergency tweezers and pinched up the passport with the tweezers. After inspecting them, he gave them back. "Um. Sure, you may pass." He tried to salute, but decided it would be better if he didn't.
The hag continued into the huge, cheery village, oblivious to the staring people around her. "What idiots!" she muttered to herself. "They didn't inspect the corpse!" She turned into Spiderman, and looked around suspiciously. The crowds on the street had gotten used to the corpse and were now walking by without notice. May (for that was the hag-turned-Spiderman's name) carted the wheelbarrow into a narrow alley and stopped.
"Ok, you can come out now, May S. Clone!" May tried to use an urgent whisper but it turned out to sound like a cow with a sore throat.
"Oh KAY!" said the "corpse" spiritedly, and started trying to unroll the tarpaulin and get out at the same time.
She got stuck. "AIYA, AIYA!" May S. Clone shrieked as she rolled frantically around, still looking like a giant sushi. "AIYA AIY---oh." She finally got free, then started cackling and hooting happily.
May rolled her eyes, then checked her special people-tracker. "Oh great! You just made me forget what we're here for!" she complained, stamping her foot childishly.
"I think we're here to get money or something," said May S. Clone dimwittedly, scratching her head like a monkey.
"Oh, yes! I remember now, no thanks to you," bellowed May, snapping her fingers and grinning. "I want to fill up my piggy bank, who is starving." She held up a bulging May piggy bank. It burped several times and wiggled its overloaded stomach, then was lowered again.
"How will we do that?" asked May S. Clone. She pretended to be someone from Mission Impossible and squinted suspiciously around the alley, her hand shaped into a gun.
"Ya f00!" said May. "It's quite obvious. In this exact village, two dimwit Akatsuki members are lugging the corpse of some important guy to this idiot who'll pay money for it for who knows what reason! The corpse is worth three million, ha ha! I shall be rich, or at least richer!"
May S. Clone scratched her head stupidly. "But if they're bringing the corpse then how will the money get to you?"
"F00! Pay attention! I was about to get to that part!" snapped May. "I'm not going to let those idiot Akatsuki pigs get the credit! I'm going to ambush them dressed up as Spiderman, like how I'm dressed now!" She paused. "Or should I dress as Superman? What will I look more dashing as?" May pulled out a mirror and inspected herself in it, grinning cheesily. She spit on her hand and slickd her hair back. "G'day, Ms. Smart and Handsome," she said to herself.
"I don't think you're done explaining yet," interjected May S. Clone. She picked a tick off her head, looked at it with interest, then ate it.
"Of course I'm not! Be patient!" growled May. "Now, after I ambush them, I'll interrogate them and get the location of the meeting spot! Then I'll kill them, steal the corpse of the important guy, and bound off to the trading spot, cackling and taking my three million cashamillions!" May cackled and rubbed her hands together in anticipation.
May's clone frowned, and picked another tick to devour. "What if they're immortal?"
May growled again. "Don't be stupid! That's not possible!"
Chapter Two
Two suspicious looking people dressed in large, black red cloud printed cloaks walked down a path in a forest. One's face was almost entired covered with a weird, undescribable, er, thing, with only his eyes and the top of his nose showing. He had a very dead looking dude strapped on his back like a backpack. The other had white, Malfoy-ish hair, pinkish purple eyes and a large three-bladed scythe strapped on his back like a backpack.
"Oh, look at the sun," said the one with the dead body attached to him. "An hour's passed. Your turn to carry the corpse."
"Shut up, I don't want to. You carry it for the rest of the way, Kakuzu." replied the other meanly. The dead boy carrier, Kakuzu, sighed and continued trudging along, looking disgruntled.
Meanwhile, a few meters away, May and May S. Clone hid in a large clump of plants.
"Don't make a sound, or I'll whack your head and everyting will go wrong!" shouted May. She grabbed a large shrub, hid behind it, and started following the Akatsuki members conspiciously. May S. Clone grinned widely, finding it a smart idea, and uprooted an entire sapling.
The Akatsuki members wheeled around sharply and stared at May S. Clone, who was very visible behind the baby tree. May's bandanna poked out from behind the bush she was grasping.
"See? I told you not to shout!" shouted May. "Now we're discovered and my plans ruined!"
"Not meh fault, ma'am!" May S. Clone replied in a guttural voice.
"Eh, continue with the plan!" groaned May. She made a VALIANT, GRACEful leap, her body a springing shadow against the rays of the sun!
"She's doing mary-sue-ing," said the second Akatsuki member, who by the way is called Hidan. "Let's kill her slowly and painfully." He took out the three bladed scythe, then stopped. "Wait, I need to try something." He made a VALIANT, GRACEful leap, his body a springing shadow against the rays of the sun!
"Cool, I can do it too!" Hidan cheered. Kakuzu groaned and slapped his face.
"You're GARY-SUE-ING," said Kakuzu in a snotty Claire voice.
"Seriously, it doesn't matter," said Hidan. "Go eat Spiderman."
May crashed down heavily and pulled out a machine gun. She cackled maniacally and pointed it at her enemies. "Lets see you beat me now!" she jeered. May S. Clone did a cheerleader routine in the back. "M-A-Y May! She will rock your D-A-Y DAY!!!!" May S. Clone did a fancy mid-air split and twirled around several times, waving red, white, and blue pom poms. "GOOOOOO May!"
"This doesn't fit," Kakuzu frowned. "In the manga we go along smoothly, give the corpse and get the money." His eyes flashed greedily.
"Well, I like this better," said Hidan. "You go off, get your stupid, worthless money and I'll murderalise the little shrimps."
Philip Lombard lit a cigarette and took a long puff. "I reckon we go out and find that U.N. Owen!"
May looked alarmed. "Where'd he come from?" The alarm immediately turned to suspicion. "It's probably somebody trying to steal the precious corpse! Come on May S. Clone! You take care of that idiot Akatsuki member, and I'll finish off this cigarette puffing bim! CHARGE!" May aimed her machine gun and blasted Lombard with a barrage of violent shots. Lombard screamed wordlessly and fell to the floor in a pool of CRIMSON blood, dead.
"Oh yeah!" yelled May. In her battle she forgot all about the important guy corpse, which Kakuzu had already dragged off safely.
May S. Clone was in a much worse situation. She yodelled frantically as she was chopped up. Hidan grinned at the slowly dying May clone and started drawing a circle with his foot using May S. Clone's blood.
"Ya f00!" bellowed May. "You're so weak, May S. Clone! I finished off Lombard in 3 seconds, and you go and get beaten up! Watch and learn! BABABABABANG! Enemy plane! BABABABABANG!" She fired at least ten shots in Hidan. "Ha HA! Bulls-eye!" She waited for him to scream and die.
Nothing happened.
Hidan winced a bit and continued drawing the circle. He put an upside-down triangle in the middle.
May hopped up and down frantically, starting to panic at the creepy blood circle and how her machine gun was no use. "OMG LYK HES IMMORTAL! Retreat retreat!" She grabbed the bleeding May S. Clone and fled cowardishly into the thick underbrush.
Kakuzu walked nonchalantly towards the meeting spot, looking very greedy and Count Olaf-ish. His eyes shone greedily as he imagined himself standing on a mountain of money.
"YEH!" the imaginary Kakuzu cheered, making a peace sign with his fingers. Squashed under the money mountain were the other members. They were sad because they were poor and he was so rich. There were ploofy dollar bill clouds and it was raining coins.
Kakuzu checked the map and went into an abandoned boy's bathroom. It stunk horribly, something that Hidan probably would of mentioned, but Kakuzu was too busy thinking about the big bucks he would be receiving.
Exactly at that moment, Hidan walked in, holding his nose.
"Gah, it reeks in here, seriously!" remarked Hidan. "Who the hell has a base behind a urinal? Seriously!"
"Be quiet, I need to say the password," said Kakuzu. He cleared his throat. "Papapapa picked a pot of peas. Red leather, yellow leather. Mice mash." A urinal slid aside, revealing an opening. An ugly guy with a pockmarked face peered out.
"Pizza delivery," said Hidan. "Now I'm waiting outside. I think I'm going to be sick." He teetered out, smothering his nose with his sleeve.
"Show me the money!" yelled Kakuzu as the ugly, pock-marked guy slid the dead body into a compartment. His eyes glinted greedily. "Heh heh heh!" he laughed as Pockmark Head pushed a suitcase into his arms.
"Three million, all in there," PockmarkHead said. "You don't need to count.
Kakuzu counted anyway. "You missed it by 100 dollars!" He said, his eyes glinting at the thought of getting extra money.
"Really, count again," insisted PockmarkHead. "It's all in there."
Kakuzu started counting up again.
Outside Hidan was sniffing his cloak in disgust. "Five minutes in that—he called the bathroom something bad—and the reek totally sinks into your clothes!" He heard footsteps behind him. "What took you so long?"
"Put yer hands in the air!" wheezed a voice that sounded nothing like Kakuzu.
Hidan turned around and stared at the crowd of people standing there. There was an ugly, tortoise-like judge, a prissy, prim old woman, a butler, a maid, an old army guy, a young lady, a crazy doctor guy wearing a stethescope around his neck, an insane Norse God wannabe, and a big, burly ex-inspector.
"Oh, no," Hidan said. "Just what I needed. Nine little indians."
May popped out of nowhere, making it ten. She cackled and pulled out her prized machine gun, forgetting that it was no use.
"My goodness!" said Vera Claythorne, who was the stupid young lady. She pointed at Hidan rudely. "I do believe its the murderer who killed poor Mr. Lombard!"
The judge, Justice Wargrave, squished his head back into his neck and scratched his ear, his eyes darting around. "Yes, I do agree."
Hidan squinted at the sudden appearance of the ten people.
Kakuzu squinted at one bill. He held it up in the air. "This one's fake."
PockmarkHead sighed. "I assure that I'm not trying to trick you. I mean it. After all, my colleagues and I are very reliable people. We would never try to trick our business partners and clients."
"You made me lose count!" said Kakuzu angrily.
"Oops, my bad," replied PockmarkHead, looking shocked.
Kakuzu started over.
Outside, Hidan was being annoyed by a crowd of people that should've been in And Then There Were None, plus one Pokemon character who was brandishing a machine gun.
"It wasn't me, seriously," said Hidan. "It was the crazy hag who's standing next to the other crazy hag."
May frowned, and looked at Emily Brent, who was standing next to Vera Claythorne. She didn't notice that she herself was also standing next to Emily Brent, the prim old woman. "What a f00! He's just trying to get away with it!"
Emily Brent straightened stiffly and said in a formal voice: " I would never commit such a crime on one of my fellow creatures! Fellow creatures deserve respect! It says in the all-wise bible that "Thou shalt not kill" and "Do unto others that thy will do to oneself". I would never murder a fellow creature of the same species!"
Hidan stared at her. "Heathen," he accused.
Emily Brent uttered a gasp of horror. "How dare you accuse me of being a heathen! I belong to the one great religion, under the all-wise hand of God! You must be a heathen! You probably believe in one of those lesser religions! Shame on you!"
Hidan picked up his scythe and slashed her arm with it, which was actually an easy job, because Ms. Brent was so stiff and motionless.
Ms. Brent's tight lips gaped open in a scream. "May you be sent to the fiery depths on hell! God shall throw you down into the flaming hell which all heathens go!"
Hidan stuck his tongue out at her.
Kakuzu squinted at the same bill from before. "Really, I'm sure this is fake."
PockmarkHead sighed, took it, and gave him a new bill. Kakuzu examined the new bill with satisfaction and continued counting.
"Miss Brent!" cried Vera Claythorne. The others rushed to Emily Brent's side.
"My God!" exclaimed Mr. Blore, who was the burly ex-inspector. "I'm pretty sure that that fellow over there's the murderer! Nobody in their right mind goes around carrying a three bladed scythe, unless they're the murderer!"
"God shall punish you!" Ms. Brent howled. "God shall punish you!He will make you rot in the fiery depts of hell until your bones are burned to nothing but ash, He will!"
"My God!" exclaimed Blore again. "That's him alright! Holy Carrots, it's U.N. Owen to his face! If he attacks, we split up and run for it! My God, I can tell he's the murderer!"
"Heathens!" Hidan said.
Kirk came out from the bushes and struck one of his many poses. He went away.
Armstrong, the doctor, ran over and inspected Ms. Brent's arm. "Hmm," he said, stroking his stubble. "I'm sure it just needs a good bandaging up and rest and it'll be done by three weeks. But golly, that's the murderer!"
Hidan started drawing a circle on the ground using Ms. Brent's blood. He put an upside -down triangle in the middle. "You're so disrespectful towards other people's religions...so I'll be disrespectful towards you! FEAR THE JASHIN!!"
"The Jia Xing?" said Anthony Marston stupidly.
"The Jia Xing!" screamed May.
"The Jashin, you fat democrats!" said Hidan disrespectfully. "My own religion!" He stood in the middle of his drawn circle and licked some blood from his scythe.
"It's a vampire!" shrieked Fanny out of nowhere. She waved her arms crazily.
"Ok, good, all there," said Kakuzu, finally satisfied. He picked up the suitcase full of big bucks.
"Say, I think I hear something," said PockmarkFace as there was an explosion from outside. He picked his ear. "Nah, must be my deafness. Losing my senses, I am. Must be because I collect corpses." He laughed like Santa Claus. "Well, see you, and please come and give me more corpses of important guys! I'm still missing Mao Zedong!"
Kakuzu practically skipped outside, happy at the wads of money in his hands.
He came to a halt.
And groaned.
Chapter Three
Ten people were there! And...so was Hidan! And Hidan was doing his stupid heathen-ish ritual that took too long!
Sheeeeeee-it! Kakuzu thought. Now I have to wait for Hidan to finish, before we can run off with all this money! Sheeeeeee-it! But his eyes glinted at the thought of collecting the corpses and getting more money.
"Heh, heh!" He chuckled to himself, doing a smarmy peace sign. He ran back inside to the urinals and called in, "Papapapa picked a pot of peas. Red leather, yellow leather. Mice mash."
The urinal fell on him.
"Gyah!" He pushed it off him. Pockmark Head leered at him.
"Helooooooooooooooooooooo," said Pockmark Head. "Nice t' see y'all back so fa-ast! Got anotheh corpsees for meh?" Pockmark Head's nose glinted red greedily.
"Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer!" came May's muffled cry.
"Not yet, but probably soon," replied Kakuzu. "How much do you give for book characters?"
Pockmark Head stared at him. Suddenly his face splitted into a huge, lopsided grin. "Why, they're hard to get! At least two million each! I'm real rich ya know!"
Kakuzu cheered inwardly. Nine of them would be eighteen million! He wasn't sure about the machine gun brandishing twit though.
"Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer!" May cried again.
"My God!" exclaimed Blore.
"Holy cough drops!" shouted Armstrong.
"Stinky Tea!" cried Rodgers, pushing his wife behind him.
"May the Lord protect us! It's Satan!" shrieked Emily Brent, the first time losing her composure.
"I'm not Satan," said Hidan. He leered nastily at them. His entire body had turned black with weird white markings that resembled his skeleton. "I've just gone through a nasty metamorphosis."
"Butterfly?" asked Tony Marston stupidly. He scratched his head like a gorilla.
Just then, Kakuzu came skipping out of the urinal, stinking badly, eyes glinting. "Eighteen million! Eighteen million!" He squealed loudly. "Eighteen million for nine of them! And twenty million including the shrimpy little girl!" He shrieked and clapped 'Satan' on the shoulder. "Twenty million! We're rich, big buddy! Rich!" He skipped in circles around Hidan.
"Eew, you smell like May's passport," said Hidan, wrinkling his nose. "Seriously! What took you so long?"
"Oh dear!" shrieked Vera Claythorne. "Another murderer! How will we defeat them! How will I live?" She fainted dead away.
"I'll kill the first 5, and you kill the next 5, Hidan," decided Kakuzu.
"Deal, but you can keep the money," said Hidan.
"Don't worry, everybody!" shouted Ex-inspector Blore. "I took poor Lombard's revolver! I'll shoot them and save the day!" Blore pulled on a Spiderman costume and leaped at Kakuzu with the revolver.
"And I have my machine gun!" called May. She leaped at Hidan with the machine gun. "Its pay back time, ya f00s!"
Kakuzu boredly picked up a tree branch lying nonchalantly on the ground and whacked Blore with it before he could shoot. The ex-inspector made a choking noise and fell on the ground, looking conked out. Kakuzu stabbed Blore in the neck.
"One down! Nine little indians!" said Kakuzu, hopping around crazily. "Two million ka-chings!"
May missed her target and flopped on the ground. She screamed like a coward and ran away, hiding behind Mrs. Rodgers.
Vera scurried forward and grabbed the revolver. She aimed it at Kakuzu. "I'll shoot if you move!" She tried to look valiant.
Kakuzu jumped several times.
Vera pulled the trigger...
Nothing happened. Vera frowned, shook the revolver, and examined it. She turned it around and pulled the trigger experimentally.
She shot herself by accident.
"Eight little Indians!" Kakuzu shouted to Hidan. "One commited suicide! Four million ka chings!"
Hidan bellowed and slashed at Rodgers' head. The butler had been kneeled over, fashioning a weapon out of sticks. "Seven!" Hidan called, grinning like a maniac. Rodgers groaned and crawled around weakly. Hidan jabbed at him until Rodgers died of blood loss. By the time Rodgers was done, Kakuzu had already polished off his victims.
"You're so slow!" said Kakuzu as Hidan poked Rodgers with satisfaction and sprang at Mrs. Rodgers.
"All my victims are tougher than yours!" lied Hidan. Privately, he liked watching them slowly die in UTTER PAINNNN!!
Mrs. Rodgers shrieked and ran away, calling for help. May scurried after her, yodelling in fright.
Mrs. Rodgers was too slow, tripped over her dress's hem, fell and hit her head on a sharp rock. She was dead, no doubt.
"Oh, man, she died too fast," said Hidan, coming to a halt before Mrs. Rodgers' dead body. "It would've been more fun if she died slowly." He looked around and decided that Wargrave should be next.
Wargrave shouted and plodded away as fast as he could. Sadly (well, for him), he had not exercised in twenty five years and was slowly jabbed to death. Kakuzu was travelling around picking up the corpses and plopping them in a pile in front of PockmarkHead, who was rubbing his hands together greedily.
Soon May was the only one left standing, because she was cowardly and had just hidden behind people and gotten away with it. She screamed in cowardice and spread her arms. She flapped and flew away, screeching and leaving a trail of sparkles.
"It's getting away!" said Hidan. May cackled and flew in circles above, singing 'Jericho' because she was an idiot. Then suddenly May S. Clone came running out of the trees. Her whole body was bandaged up, so she looked like a mummy.
"MAYYYY!" May S. Clone wailed. "I'm scared!"
"Oh m' gosh!" said Tatiana out of the blue. "Now I really believe in the Curse of the Mummies!"
"May S. Clone!" growled May. "I told you to stay hidden in the forest until I came with the important corpse! But noooo, you had to come out and now Kakookoo already has the money!"
"I'm sorry," apologized May S. Clone.
"No, you're not," replied May meanly, floating overhead
Hidan threw his scythe at her. May screeched and flapped clear, the blade grazing her bandanna. "Agh, forget the money, I'll just collect taxes again!" cried May. "Come on May S. Clone! FLY!!!!"
May S. Clone nodded and flapped her bandaged arms. She lifted off and the two Mays sped off as fast as they could go.
Hidan looked unhappy. "They would've been fun to kill."
"Well, think on the more important side! We're rich! RICH!!! Eighteen million! EIGHTEEN MILLION!!!" Kakuzu did Ana's happy dance.
"Heathen," accused Hidan.
The End!
Disney is Magic, Disney is Joy
This is a Walt Disney Production
Now presenting a Christmas song from the ol' 50's called...
□
Reindeer on the Roof
Reindeer on the roof
Wake up, I think I hear
Reindeer on the roof
Santa Claus and his eight reindeer
Reindeer on the roof
Blah blah blah blahblah blah
I'm the luckiest kid alive!
-blablabla living' la vida loca-
I hear them dancing
I hear them pra-an-cing!
I hear their hoof-beats
Reindeer on the roof!
Tch tch tch tch tch tch tch!
And now we would like to thank...
Editor: Leslie Zhang
Author: Tiffany Zhang
Additional thanks: No one! . Heh heh!
Based on: Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None, Kishimoto Masashi's Naruto, and The Pokemon Company's May Birch!