Vilde laid on her bed and stared at the ceiling. She kept getting flashes of different kisses. The memories varied in intensity, with some little more than vague recollections and others leaving ghosts of lips against hers.
What she kept coming back to was the feeling of having Eva's lips pressed to her own. Eva was just a friend; she was sure of that. She didn't want anything more between them. Still, she couldn't help but compare that kiss to some of the kisses she'd had with boys. It hadn't been fundamentally different. At the time, she'd pushed away the thrill she'd felt, trying to pretend it hadn't been a big deal.
Recently, after Isak had come out and they'd started hanging out with Even more, the memory of the kiss had kept coming back. She'd done her best to avoid thinking about it at first. She was happy with Magnus, so bothering with whether or not she liked kissing girls felt irrelevant.
But the memory wouldn't leave her alone and with it came the increasing suspicion that there had been a deeper reason why she'd gotten butterflies in her stomach that night. She wasn't sure how much longer she could avoid dealing with the feelings. The more she ignored them, the more they plagued her, as if she was feeding them by trying to starve them.
She grabbed her phone off her bedside table and held it above her head. It was still on Even's contact information, just as it had been the last time she'd looked at it. Her thumb hovered over the option to send a message. Before she lost her courage again, she pressed the button and typed out what she wanted to say.
Hey. Could we talk in person? Just the two of us?
Even's response came within ten minutes, far quicker than she expected it to.
Sure. I can meet up now if you want. Where?
Vilde took a deep breath. Her heart raced at the idea of finally putting what she'd been thinking into words.
The park?
Before Even responded, she was already checking her appearance in the mirror and tugging on a different shirt.
Even was already at the park when Vilde arrived, his eyes scanning the area as he waited for her. He caught sight of her a second after she did him, a smile appearing on his lips that Vilde returned easily.
It was ridiculous to be scared. Why should she be when the guy she was talking to was pansexual? Logically, she knew he wouldn't reject her when she began to talk about her feelings. The idea of finally saying it out loud after holding it in for so long had her terrified though. She couldn't pretend otherwise.
"Hey!" Even greeted her as she skipped a little over to the bench.
"Hey!" she returned, putting on the brightest voice she could manage.
They shared a brief hug, and Vilde held onto the illusion that they were doing little more than hanging out and talking about nothing of importance.
"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" Even finally asked. "It sounded like something was up."
"Nothing in particular," Vilde lied.
She flicked her gaze between Even and the view in front of them, tapping her fingers against her thighs.
"I was just wondering how you first realized you were pan," she said in a rush, her mouth snapping shut as soon as the words were out.
Even gave her a knowing smile, and Vilde's frown deepened. She had a sneaking suspicion that he'd known this was coming, and she wasn't sure how she felt about that.
"I got a crush on one of my guy friends and realized that I liked guys too," Even said as if it were the simplest fact in the world. "But that's not the only way it could go. There are probably as many different ways to realize it as there are people. I've even heard people say they always knew, but it wasn't quite that easy for me."
Vilde was tense, waiting him to question why she'd asked in the first place, but he didn't do so. Once he'd finished his story, he let them fall into an easy silence. At least it seemed easy for Even; Vilde's mind was going a mile a minute.
"How did you know for sure though?" she asked. "Did you have to kiss a boy first? Or could you just tell? Was kissing them the same?"
Even laughed at the quick succession of questions.
"Kissing individual people is different," he said. "I'm not about to get into comparing boys and girls."
Vilde nodded as if she accepted that answer. After a few seconds of hesitation, she spoke in a rush.
"I think I like girls too. I've only kissed Eva that one time, and it's not that I like Eva. I like Magnus. It's just that I think about that kiss sometimes, and it wasn't bad. I really enjoyed it. At first, I thought it was just whatever because I liked boys. But then, when I found out you were pansexual, I started thinking about it more. I already knew about bisexuality, but I'd never really considered that I could be anything but straight, you know? And now I wonder if I am, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just overthinking things."
Even listened to her speak, nodding at all the right places but frowning when she finished.
"You're not overthinking anything by thinking you might like girls. Don't be so hard on yourself." He threw an arm around her shoulders, and Vilde sunk into the embrace. "It's usually confusing, but to be honest, if you're this worked up about it, maybe you are bisexual or pansexual or whatever you want to call yourself. I think understanding it better will come with time. I'm always here to talk if you want to."
Vilde smiled at him with the brightest smile she'd managed since arriving at the park.
"Thank you, Even." She wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder. "I think I'll take you up on that someday."
He returned the hug, patting her on the back, and for the first time in as long as she could remember, Vilde felt at ease about the situation despite not having a definitive answer.
Prompts:
Hogwarts Challenges and Assignments
Seasonal - Days of the Year: Take a Walk in the Park Day - (setting) park
Word count: 1,062