I wrote this while i was having an episode and i figured kenma could relate to it
listen to Come as you are by crowder , i'm not all that into religious music but this song helped inspire me.

Disclaimer:

Don't do what kenma does toward the end. It never ends pretty, try and find other outlets

Not beta'd so excuse the mistakes

Trigger Warning: Self-Harm

When Kenma woke up, he felt off. Something was wrong. A sense of dread filled him, an inky black feeling like sludge seemed to be inhabiting his chest but he couldn't figure out why it was there. He layed in bed for a couple more minutes, trying to breath through the his nose and relax, pushing it away. After a while, he seemed to have calmed down and got up, checking the time. 7:30. He had about forty-five minutes to shower and eat before having to leave.

Time seemed to go by slow, but the unknown feeling he had experienced seem to be going away so that was good. The walk to school was short since he lived close; his usual companion, kuro, had to go in earlier to take a test he missed because he was sick that day but that was fine.

By the time kenma reached the gates, he was feeling significantly better. The first three classes seemed to pass by fast, contrary to the slow time earlier. He answered questions when asked, turned in his homework, and avoided everyone. It looked like today was gonna be just like any other day.

But everything went downhill by the time lunch came around.

The feeling he had in the morning gradually returned as the minutes passed. By the time lunch was over, kenma was a mess. He couldn't couldn't concentrate in the fourth class. The inky sludge like feeling kept rising up and no amount of breathing could calm him down. He kept clenching and unclenching his hand, needing to grab something, do something with his hands.

In the last class, it took everything kenma had not to bolt up out of his seat and run or curl up into a ball. A weird buzzing feeling started in his chest, increasing as time went on. He just had to grit his teeth and bear it.

When the school day was over, kenma quickly rushed out. His hands were shaking badly and his breathing was labored but he couldn't go home yet, he still had to go to volleyball practice.

It was an optional practice since today was supposed to be the day the team relaxes but he figures that if he didn't go then Lev was gonna blow up his phone or worse, come over to his house and he'd rather avoid that.

The way to the gym was the longest walk kenma had ever experienced. Each step he took made the roaring in his ears get louder and the buzzing in his chest got worse, as if there were balls bouncing around at high speed trying to escape.

As kenma reached the forward to open the gym doors, the sound of volleyballs hitting the floor and people laughing stopped him. He couldn't do it. He couldn't open the door.

The awful feeling in him finally burst through.

A sob escaped his mouth and kenma ran home instead. He ran and ran as fast as he could, trying to muffle the sobs escaping him and the painful feeling of his heart being squeezed. When he finally made it home, he locked the front door then ran up to his room locking that door too. His parents weren't gonna be home until late at night but he didn't want to be disturbed in case someone did show up.

Kenma leaned on his door, school bag sagging off of his shoulder until he let it drop, trying to catch his breath. He slid to the floor; breathing turning into sobs yet no tears came out , only silent cries

He was overwhelmed, he couldn't breath. Kenma took off his school sweater but it didn't help. Then he started clawing at his throat, trying to let his voice out but it didn't work. Everything was too much for him, he couldn't think properly; the feeling of loneliness, depression, had built up since the last time he let it out and it was taking over him; wanting to get out from his body but it was trapped.

He needed help.

Kenma sat up and ruffled through his bag until he found his phone.

He needed kuroo.

He scrolled through his contact list until he reached the number. Kuro will help me, He'll know what to do kenma thought. But just as he was about to push the call button, he stopped

"I can't bother him, he's at tsukishima's with Bokuto and Akaashi practicing." He said to himself, remembering what his friend had told him the day before.

"I can't keep bothering him, he always takes care of me even when he's busy. He must think i'm useless and pathetic, always needing help and he'll eventually get sick of it and leave me. He deserves better friends who aren't annoying." He continued, voice breaking. Another thought hit him

Hinata his mind whispered to him, trying to help. Kenma shook his head at that. "I can't call shouyou, what right do i have to involve him in my mess. I can't burden him too." Kenma wailed.

He threw his phone at the wall, it bounced off and fell on the bed in front of him. His depression started choking him again; wanting to escape but there wasn't an exit.

Under the bed the treacherous part of his mind told him. The other side screeched at him to stop, don't do it the sensible half of his warned him but kenma ignored it and crawled over to his bed, reaching under and pulling out a box.

He opened it and and looked at the metal that was in there, it looked like it was shining, inviting him to pick it up. He hesitated. He remembered that he promised not to open this box again.

It'll feel better the treacherous voice whispered. Kenma obeyed.

He stripped the lower half of his uniform until he was down to his lifted the metal blade out of the box, it felt cold, and looked down at his thighs; they were covered in scars.

He hesitantly placed the edge of the razor to his skin and pressed down, pulling it back. He watched as a red line appeared and a couple of red drops fell down.

The feeling in his chest slowly started disappearing. His throat didn't feel clogged anymore and real sobbs emerged, tears finally leaking out and falling down his face. Every cut with the blade made him feel better, it helped release everything that had built up in him.

He repeated the action twice more then did the same to the other thigh until he had six new scars in total. The inside of his thighs were a red mess.

After staying like that for a couple more minutes, kenma finally calmed down and got up. He unlocked the door and made his way to the bathroom, When his cuts were properly cleaned and bandaged, kenma returned to his room; putting the razor back in it's box and hiding it under his bed again.

He was tired now, his episode drained him physically and emotionally and all kenma wanted to do was go to sleep.

He took off the rest of his uniform, picking up what he had discarded on the ground, and put it away in his dresser. He pulled out shorts and a t-shirt, putting them on then getting into bed.

Kenma picked up his phone and placed it on the nightstand next to him after he put on the playlist he uses after his episode is over.

He briefly wondered what the team was gonna say about him not showing up to practice (he grimaced at that,not putting it past Lev to run over to his house to fetch him but knowing that yaku would stop the giant made him feel better) until he was lulled to sleep by the sound of raindrops coming from his phone.