I must tell you in advance my apologies that this is not the usual fluffy KotoHono. This is not what I originally planned for my first time writing for this pair. I'll work on it someday. For now, I'm not sure if I can still say that I hope you enjoy this. My heart broke upon writing this. Enough with my own drama XD... Maybe I can at least say that I hope you like it. Hehe
Our hearts beat as one long before we even realized it. We have known each other for as long as we can remember. We grew up together, became the best of friends and slowly realized how deep our feeling for each other actually are. If not for the little help of our childhood friend Umi-chan, I don't know if we would have ever admitted our feelings for each other.
Getting our family's approval of our relationship went a long way. It was an almost impossible task on my side. Kotori-chan only has her mother to convince as she is an only child and her father passed away long ago. Though she was hesitant, her wish for her only daughter to become happy was more important to her so she supported our relationship. She even helped us convince my family to accept us. After almost a year, my family finally gave in and approved of us.
It has been almost five years since we became lovers and we are now in university. Sure getting our family to accept us was one of the big challenges we have overcome but there were a lot more like dealing with the public's eye, other people trying to get between us, etc. We went through the obstacles in life as lovers like any other couples. But we never gave up on each other and stayed strong. For every problem we encounter, Kotori-chan would always try to smile for me and that's all it takes to have enough strength to overcome it. I also always smile back to her every time she does. No matter what the problem is. Even this one right now that we are facing, she can still manage to smile.
Over the past few years, she had been showing symptoms of something different going on with her body but she never took it seriously until last spring when she was hit by a very painful headache in the middle of a class and lose consciousness. The doctor who checked on her suggested that they perform different tests on Kotori-chan to find out what's the problem with her. Mrs. Minami agreed afraid that her daughter might have inherited her father's sickness. And she was right.
"Your daughter has malignant brain tumor, like your late husband ma'am." The doctor said to Mrs. Minami.
I was sitting by Mrs. Minami's side then inside Kotori-chan's doctor's office. I am not really good at technical terms so I did not understand what the doctor meant but I understood how grave the situation was when tears fell from Mrs. Minami's eyes eventually.
He did not have to explain to Kotori-chan's mother what it means as he is well aware that she had seen through it already because of Kotori-chan's father. He was also her husband's doctor after all. The doctor proceeded on explaining the treatment Kotori-chan has to go through with her little chance of surviving.
"Minami-san, you've seen through this already so you know what to expect. This will be a tough fight, and it is not your daughter's fight alone. We will do what we can for her. We have to stay strong for her so she won't lose her will to live."
"Don't worry sensei! Kotori-chan is strong! And we will never leave her side!" I interfered with all my determination. This caused another wave of tears on Mrs. Minami's eyes. She suddenly hugged me and I did not hesitate to hug her back.
"Yes that's right Honoka-chan! We will never give up, we can fight this."
The doctor patted me on the head and gave me a smile when I looked at him. I returned the smile still full of determination in my eyes. I know it was baseless determination but, when was it ever wrong to have faith that everything will be alright?
Later that night, Mrs. Minami told me about how her husband died. Kotori-chan was just too young to remember when it happened. Even when Kotori-chan asked her, she never detailed what happened because it would only hurt her daughter to find out how much her father suffered. But Mrs. Minami told me everything in order for me to be ready of what will come of us. It was a heartbreaking story. Mrs. Minami had long got over it but it still pains her to remember what her beloved one had gone through. Just thinking that Kotori-chan would also suffer from the same thing breaks me into pieces but I would not let it break my faith.
The day when we decided to tell Kotori-chan that she has a brain tumor, a tear rolled down her eye but she still smiled.
"Oh I see. Just like father then…" was all she had to say for us to come over her and give a supporting hug. Mrs. Minami, Umi-chan,, and I were with her at that time.
Before they proceeded with the treatment for Kotori-chan, they made her drop out of school and confine her in the hospital. She was my roommate in the university dorm so I was left alone when I had to move out. Since Umi-chan is just the room next door, she visits me from time to time.
It was almost summer vacation when they started with her treatments. Every day after school and even on Sundays I would check out on Kotori-chan. When she doesn't have archery practice on their club, Umi-chan would come with me.
"Honoka-chan! Umi-chan! How was your day?" she happily greeted as we entered her room.
That is how she usually greets us with her never fading smile. We would tell her how school went for us and random stuffs. Really.. It's just like how we always are. Happily chatting, laughing and enjoying each other's company, except, we are now in her hospital room, and her day was not spent with her classmates and professors, but with the doctors.
I would sometimes stay over in the hospital so her mother could go home and take some proper rest. And when Kotori-chan can't sleep, I would tell her random stories until she falls asleep.
"And then after that, can you guess what happened- Kotori-chan? Are you asleep already?"
I would lean in closer to her face to check if she really was asleep already and soon find myself admiring her cute peaceful sleeping state. But there was one time when she got me fooled. I was doing my usual habit of watching her sleep when suddenly she spoke up.
"You know you could kiss me on the lips right now Honoka-chan." She grinned to me as she opened her eyes. I jolted and fall on my seat out of shock. "H-Honoka-chan? Are you okay? S-sorry for surprising you."
"Mou! Kotori-chan!"
"Ehehe.. Tell me the truth Honoka-chan, you watch me sleep every night don't you?"
"E-eehh… w-well…" I mumbled while I fix myself back to my position. I wanted to deny it but there was no way I could especially I was caught red-handed.
"Y-yeah.." I admitted full of embarrassment. Kotori-chan giggled and soon after, I joined her and it became laughter.
"I could stay up all night watching you sleep Kotori-chan."
"Don't do that! You need to sleep too!"
"I can't promise though. Anyway, you really need to sleep now. It's past midnight already."
"Yes I know. Give me a goodnight kiss Honoka-chan, please…" Kotori-chan asked with her most adorable pleading eyes.
"Sure Kotori-chan. Just make sure you'll really sleep this time, got it?"
She nodded to me happily. I smiled I leaned in and peck on her cheeks. Little did I know that our peaceful nights like that would become a rare occurrence from then on. After that night, it was her mother who stayed with her. The next morning I found out that Mrs. Minami was awakened by Kotori-chan's screaming. Another extreme headache disturbed Kotori-chan to her sleep. She had to call the nurses to help her daughter. The doctor said that the tumor is spreading in her brain faster.
At first, Kotori-chan started to feel numbness from her feet until she became unable to walk on her own. There are times when she acts weird all of a sudden like getting angry for the simple things. Then recently, speaking has started to become hard for her from time to time.
"Kotori-chan, isn't the weather nice today?" I asked her while pushing her wheelchair as we walk along the garden in the hospital ground.
"I-it c-certainly is Ho..Honoka-chan! Thanks for taking me o-out."
I sat by the nearest bench we found after settling her beside the spot I took. The sky is clear though it is not that warm anymore because autumn had started.
"I made a new friend yes..terday Honoka-chan."
"Really? Isn't that great?!"
"It is! She is a year younger than us b-but she is very composed. She kinda reminds me of Umi-chan."
"Is she a patient too? What's her name?"
"I don't think s-so. She said she was just having a check-up. I didn't get to ask for her name because her mother called her and leave."
"Ahh… I see.. I hope you meet her again, I-I mean not necessarily here.."
Kotori-chan chuckled as I fumble for words. Not long after, I joined in. Her smile never changed except that it looks weaker as time goes by.
"She said her heart is weak that she need to get checked by her doctor often. You know, before I approached her, I was afraid she might push me away because she seemed the unfriendly type."
"Then, how did you became friends with her?"
"Well, she noticed me staring at her so she smiled at me melting my worries away. I smiled back and took the initiative to talk to her. She was so cute that I couldn't help but stare at her. hehee"
"Ahh.. yeah I bet she's really cute for you to stare at her that long."
"Ehh.. I-is Honoka-chan p-perhaps jea..lous?"
I kissed her on the cheeks catching her off guard. "I was just kidding Kotori-chan. Hehee" The surprise I gave her was reciprocated with greater surprise She took me by the lips passionately and we stayed like that for some minutes until we grasp for some air.
"I love you Honoka-chan."
"I love you too."
The afternoon ended with us under each other's arms and the setting sun witnessing our love for each other.
One day Umi-chan surprised us on a Sunday afternoon. When I invited her to visit Kotori-chan with me, she agreed but said that she can't go together with me as she needs to meet up with the person she wants us to meet. An hour or more after I arrived at Kotori-chan's room, she came together with a quite tall blonde haired girl. She introduced herself as Ayase Eli, our senior in the university, and also, Umi-chan's girlfriend.
I only remember Umi-chan talking about having a crush on this blonde senior at our university. She then told us that the blonde had saved her and started to get closer with each other. They didn't detail what exactly happened. Then Eli-chan confessed to Umi-chan that she had her eyes on her even before they became friends. And she was also the first one to confess her love for our shy childhood friend.
The whole time they were telling us about them, both of them were blushing, especially Umi-chan. They are such an adorable pair. When I looked over Kotori-chan, there was a look of happiness and contentment on her face. For some reason, there was a disturbing feeling inside me seeing her like that. It's not because of how happy she is for Umi-chan, but, that look of contentment that somewhat tells me that Kotori-chan is thinking that she can leave this world without any regrets now.
"Ho..noka-chan? Is the..re anything wrong?" she asked later that night. I stayed over even though her mom is not going home for the night. Mrs. Minami was talking with the doctors so, we were left alone together.
"Ehh? Why do you ask Kotori-chan?"
"You've been g-gloomy si..nce earlier. Don't lie t-to me Honoka-cha..n because I c..an tell in just one l-look at you."
"Kotori-chan.. I'm sorry. I just can't help it." I walk to the chair beside her and sat there. She watched me and waited for me to continue. I started stroking her hair looking directly to her amber eyes.
"Earlier… when Umi-chan told us about her and Eli-chan… your expression seemed very distant.. It was as if you are ready to.. I.. I don't really know. There's a lot of feelings welling up inside of me."
She then suddenly pulled me in to a tight hug. "Shhh.. I should b-be the one so..rry for making you feel t-that way Honoka-chan. I was so ha..ppy for U-Umi-chan that she is fina..lly with the person she loves. A-And then I suddenly thought how glad I am that Umi-chan will be fine already when I'm gone." Kotori-chan pulled away and we found out that tears are forming in both our eyes
"Look he..re Hono..ka-chan. I know that we should s-stay positive, a-and we both have faith in the c-chance that I will li..ve. Of course mom as well. But, I am also e-expecting the worse. I hope you do too, so you will be ready to ac..cept it."
This time, I was the one who pulled her in. I hugged her like I was telling the whole that she is my girl and no one else can touch her. The hug send her back lying on the bed while I lie atop.
"I know you're right Kotori-chan. I know.." I said between my sobs. "But, just imagining that I might lose you forever pains my heart to no end!"
"H-Honoka-chan…"
We stayed like that crying on each other. That night, I lie next to her and we slept hugging each other forgetting that Mrs. Minami will see us when she gets back.
The worse had yet to start. A few more weeks towards the end of autumn, Kotori-chan completely lost her capability to speak well. She struggles to write down what she has to say on a notebook we provided for her. Her extreme headaches had become constant. I only hear her voice again when she was being tortured by her headaches.
There was nothing I could do but cry outside her hospital room wishing everything was just a bad dream. That Kotori-chan is not really sick and once I open my eyes, I will find myself back in our room in the dorm being woken up by Kotori-chan because we will be late for our first period. I will be brought back to reality when her screaming stops and the doctors and nurses would walk out of her room to tell us that they were done giving her pain killers and other stuffs.
And then, the doctor broke out the news to us. There nothing they can do for Kotori-chan now. The treatments are not working on her and her body only continues to weaken. At this rate, the treatment might end up the one killing her instead. They said, there might not be much time left, that within winter we might lose her and reaching the next spring would be a miracle.
"Make the most out of the time left."
From then on, I stayed by her side as much as I can. Mrs. Minami and I take turns in taking care of her. Almost every afternoon I will walk Kotori-chan outside to let her see the view. Umi-chan's visits became more often. I still continued telling her stories until she falls asleep. We tried our best to carry on and not waste any of the precious time we have left to be with her, but, the worse has yet to come.
I was about to tell Kotori-chan another story when she stopped by taking my hand. She then started writing on her notebook.
Honoka-chan. I need you to promise me something.
"W-what is it Kotori-chan?"
Live on and move forward. Never forget that.
"W-what are you suddenly saying there Kotori-chan?" I asked though I know what she means. A tear has formed in my eye but I did not look away from her.
Just promise me. Please, Honoka-chan.
I nodded to her before crashing down on a hug to her. "Yes I promise that Kotori-chan!"
"I… lo..ve yo..u Honoka-chan." She whispered to me for the first time in ages. Kotori-chan was struggling but it was clear to me. It never lose the capability of making my heart race just like the first time she confessed to me. Our cheeks were both burning.
"I love you too Kotori-chan! I love you!"
I got up from her only to lean back down but not for another hug. I let our lips meet. It was filled with all the love we have for each other and the kiss felt like eternity, I stroke her hair while we quietly gaze upon each other, contented of the peace we have at the moment. We slowly drifted off to sleep.
The next day, when Kotori-chan hasn't woke up although it was already noontime, the doctor did some test on her. After thorough checking, he declared that Kotori-chan is now brain dead.
The world stopped for me. I stood there as Mrs. Minami suddenly hugged me holding her tears. I was way too shocked that I was just there motionless staring at Kotori-chan lying on the bed. Her heart is still beating and all the other organs in her body are still working, except for her brain. Only a miracle could bring her back to life, the doctor said.
"N-no. You're kidding right? Kotori-chan wake up!" I break free of Mrs. Minami's hug and walk closer to her side. "Kotori-chan!"
"Honoka-chan.." Mrs. Minami patted my back and said shaking her head side to side.
She then leaned down and hugged her daughter finally letting out her tears. Umi-chan hugged me from behind burying her face on my back to cry as well.
"Honoka there is nothing we can do. Kotori must be on her way there now.."
"But Umi-chan.."
"Look, Kotori is peaceful now. Her suffering is over. She won't feel pain on where he is going."
I lost all of my strength and let myself fell on the floor. I finally let out the tears I've been holding in. Mrs. Minami moved away from Kotori-chan saying it is now our turn to say goodbye to her. Umi-chan went first and ended it by kissing Kotori-chan on the forehead. When it was my turn, I sat on my usual chair beside her.
"Is that why you made me promise that? It's unfair Kotori-chan! I wanted to talk to you more!"
I broke down and cry on her shoulders. I caressed my hand on her face remembering every detail of it. "Umi-chan is right. At least now you can finally rest. Am I too dense that I didn't realize that you are already saying goodbye to me last night? I could've told you countless of times how much I love you. But I guess you can still hear me, at least from there because I know you are watching over me now. "
"U-Um… H-honoka-chan.. Well you see.."
"What's wrong Kotori-chan? It's so late already. Your mom will scold us if she sees us still not going to bed at this hour."
"I know. But I've been bothering myself with this for a very long time now and I don't like thinking that I might be betraying you because of this Honoka-chan."
"What are you talking about Kotori-chan?"
"I'm afraid that saying this might ruin our friendship. But, I hate it more that I am keeping things from you! I don't want to be just your best friend anymore! I am in love with you Honoka-chan!"
I smiled at the memory of Kotori-chan's confession to me as another tear rolled down my cheeks. I didn't know what to do then because she caught me off guard. I just did the first thing that came to my mind and that is to kiss her, and that was our first kiss. The next day, she and Umi-chan told me that they planned the whole thing, even Umi-chan pretending to be sick so we will be left alone together on that stay over.
"You weren't confident with yourself, but when you confessed to me, you were shining even though you were fidgeting. Kotori-chan, I love you very much." I leaned in to kiss her on the lips for one last time.
Later that day, Mrs. Minami revealed to me that Kotori-chan applied to become a heart donor and that there's already a recipient needing it right now.
"Kotori never told you about it because it was like telling you that she already lost all her will to fight her sickness. That's what she reasoned to me when I told her she should let you know."
"I understand. I'm just quite surprised aunt. But it's actually just like her to do that."
"She told me to give you this when this day comes."
Umi-chan walked over to me and handed me a phone. It was Kotori-chan's phone that I haven't seen in ages. I thought she already stopped using it when she started to have troubles moving around.
"Kotori asked me to help record a video message. Sorry in advance if the video will be a little shaky. You can tell already why when you watch it. She recorded a video message for you aunt, and for you Honoka."
"T-thanks Umi-chan/Umi."
I started checking out her phone and found a folder on her gallery entitled, "My Last Message". There were three video files inside.
"Wait Umi-chan, she also made one for you. Did you never check this?"
"Ehh? Well she told me not to."
Each files were named, "To Mama", "To Umi-chan", and "To Honoka-chan". We decided to watch it inside Kotori-chan's room with the laptop Umi-chan brought with her. While Kotori-chan still lies on her bed, we settled ourselves on the table near her bed.
We first opened her video message for her mom.
"Umi-chan, is it recording now?"
"Y-yes, you can start now."
"Ehem.. So umm, hey mom! I just decided to do this on a whim so I didn't really plan what I want to say here ahead of time. Hehee.. You are the best mom in the world for me. When father died, you raised all by yourself. You never complained no matter how much I was troublesome. And when I told you that I fell in love with Honoka-chan, you never told me to stop it. You accepted me and our relationship. I am very grateful for that. Mama, I'm really sorry that if I went ahead of you."
There little shakes in the video as Kotori-chan's tears started to fall. Umi-chan's tears must have started to fall as well at that moment.
"I hate that I won't be even able to get back on everything that you've done for me. I will watch over you and everyone with papa from there I promise. I love you mama. See you again someday!"
And that ended her first video message. We had to take a break to wipe our faces with our almost endless tears. The doctor suddenly came in and called for Mrs. Minami to talk with her privately. She told us to continue with the other video message of Kotori-chan because she's already satisfied to hear her daughter's last message to her.
After we have calmed down, we decided to open the video message for Umi-chan next.
"Hello Umi-chan! I'm sure you are surprised that I also have a video message for you. Of course there is no way I can record this in front of you. Anyway, thanks for helping me out on recording them!"
This time, the video is shakier. Kotori-chan seemed to be trying hard to keep the phone still on her hand. She suddenly moved the phone showing a sleeping me on her lap. When was this taken? I suddenly thought to myself.
"Look, Honoka-chan has fallen asleep. Hehee… She was telling me a story earlier when she fell asleep first than me. You'll probably scold her if you were here.. haha.. At least this gave me a chance to record this video. Honoka-chan must be very tired today. She already seemed very sleepy when she got here earlier. So anyway.. Umi-chan, you're really a great friend. You always help me out just like today. I am very thankful to you for giving me the courage to confess to Honoka-chan. Honoka-chan might get jealous but I have to admit, there was also a potential of me falling for you before. Maybe if Honoka-chan had not reciprocated my love, you are the next very possible person that I'll fall in love with. I sometimes fear that Honoka-chan would fall for you too and gets jealous sometimes as well. And then when I told you about my feelings for Honoka-chan, you have no idea how happy I was when you volunteered to help. That's why I made a promise to myself that I will help you out with all I can when the day comes that you have fallen in love. But seems that I won't be able to do that. I can only watch over you now. Thank you for everything Umi-chan. I love you. I hope the best for you and your future lover. And for the last favor that I will ask of you, please continue to take care of Honoka-chan and mom for me. See you again someday!"
"Kotori.. You didn't even have to ask. Leave everything to me." Umi-chan said between her sobs. We hugged each other along our cries. We looked over at Kotori-chan and held her hand before deciding to continue with the last video message.
"Are you ready now Honoka?"
"Yes Umi-chan."
"This is recorded after we both calmed down from our tears earlier upon recording the one for her mom."
Umi-chan opened the video and it started playing.
"Honoka-chan!" She called out to me with her usual high-pitched beautiful voice. And then suddenly she smiled brightly.
"How are you doing? I know I shouldn't be asking this on the day you will be watching this. I'm sorry.. Hehee.. But I have faith that you will keep your promise with me so I am expecting your answer to be, I'm fine Kotori-chan! Sorry that I did not tell you about being a heart donor. Yesterday, probably it will be a long time ago from there already, haha! Okay, yesterday, I told you about the new friend I made who has a heart problem. We met again earlier but still forgot to ask her name as we were both too engrossed at talking to each other. I forgot to tell you what she's like right? She's really beautiful and her crimson hair must be her trademark. She said she had a feeling that she won't last long unless she finally gets a heart a donor. And then it came to me. If I am going to die, better die being able to let someone live. And so I thought of being a heart donor. I know I can't be sure that she will be the one to get it, or if my heart would even match hers. But I still hope that this healthy heart of mine would be able to save someone's life. I'm sure you understand me Honoka-chan. You once told me that our hearts beat as one. So if ever you meet the recipient of my heart, I hope you could be friends with her. Honoka-chan, thank you for loving me back. Thank you for never giving up on us. And, thank you for everything. You are the only person my heart will beat for. My greatest dream is to get married to you but I know it might not happen anymore especially if you are watching this now. If so, please don't let the time stop for you. I'm sorry for leaving everyone behind. Just look up at the sky and I will always smile there to you. Honoka-chan, I love you. I love you too much that it pains me to think that I'll be leaving you. Honoka-chan, never forget your own words about not giving up. Faito! I love you Honoka-chan! We'll see each other again someday."
I held Kotori-chan's hand tighter and cried once again with Umi-chan.
After the doctors have assured that Kotori-chan's heart matches the recipient, they scheduled the transplant operation. They asked Mrs. Minami to sign some documents. I chose not to ask for any information about the recipient, at least for now. I want fate to let us meet if it will ever let us.
The day of the transplant came, the same day that I made a decision. I talked to my family about this and they immediately understood my choice. I will now start my studies to become a doctor and someday be able to treat people with the same sickness as Kotori-chan.
Forgive me for the depressing ending. T..T
I'll make up to it the next time I write a KotoHono fic. Feel free to tell me what you think in the reviews..