WARNING: this is pure crack. seriously. it is the result of spending a perfectly fine summer day cooped up inside the house.
Naruto, was at first, elated and overwhelmed when he heard the news. He had been elected the sixth Hokage of Konoha. This is understandable; he had just achieved his life-long dream at a mere seventeen years of age.
Tsunade, also understandably, was ecstatic that she was finally allowed to retire. In fact, she celebrated her first day free from Hokage-duty inside a bar and ended up losing 10,000ryu but earning a splitting hangover-headache.
Naruto's happiness soon died after the magnificent inauguration ceremony. He was led into his office, where he was greeted with a monstrous, heaping stack of paperwork. It overflowed the desk and spilled towards the ceiling like a hazardous ski slope. Tsunade entered, clutching her head and nursing seltzer water.
"Oh yeah," she had said before wobbling off and throwing up in the adjacent hallway. "I kind of left some things off."
Naruto could only drool in his shock.
And so, the Rokudaime Hokage was to spend his first six months signing bills, laws, and treaties into action. This, of course, did not bode well with the number one gutsy, hyperactive ninja. So he took measures into his own hands.
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Not long afterwards, ramen vending machines appear in the streets of Konoha. At first, many shinobi protest. They want wholesome food that was nourishing as well as healthy. Unfortunately, ramen fails both requirements.
Naruto would hear none of it. He watches from his Hokage perch as people standing ramen-lines that stretched like mile-long noodles throughout the entire village. In his opinion, it is a rather good idea to outlaw all foods except ramen. The Hokage is pleased to hear business is booming at Ichiraku's.
The standard flak vest is soon changed to a bright orange color. When Kakashi complains that he had already been targeted twice on S-class missions because he was too easily discernable from the surrounding forest, Naruto shouts him down and insists his skills were waning. He places Kakashi in a retirement home with senile old grandmas because he can't bear to see his sensei die in combat, handicapped by what he deemed old age. Kakashi would be caught trying to sneak out of the retirement house no less than 52 times.
Then, more complaints pile up that ninja were becoming too overweight to sufficiently carry out missions. Instead, they often break tree branches and their own tail bones trying to navigate the forest.
That problem is easily solved. Naruto hears of a shipping of some strange instruments called "cars". The entrepreneur excitedly tells the Hokage that "cars" were going to revolutionize traveling. "Cars" could compress the traveling time to the Sand from 3 days to 5 hours, and provide a comfortable seating arrangement all the while. Sold, Naruto orders 2000 shipments of Toyotas for the ANBU, jounin, and chuunin.
The Fifth Kazekage complains against the use of cars. Apparently, inexperienced chuunin are being blinded by the frequent sandstorms, causing them to drive the cars into the towering wall of sand surrounding the village. The bumpers stick out like oddly shaped bullets that pepper the wall with gleaming red brake lights.
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It was reported that Kakashi had managed to take control of a stolen vehicle; however, due to his covered left Sharingan eye, he had driven the car into a river within his left blind spot and was quickly recollected.
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"Shit!" Hidan screams as he tries to dodge a speeding Shikamaru in his Infinite G35. Cars had made exterminating the Akatsuki quite easy; it was a simple matter of accelerating and crushing them under the wheels.
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When Sasuke spots a speeding white Volvo heading directly towards him with an orange clad ninja at the wheel, he bolts. Sadly, even shunshin is not fast enough these days. And to his consternation, the orange-clad ninja that jumps out of the Volvo in triumph of finally capturing the elusive Uchiha Sasuke turned out to be Konohamaru.
"What the fuck?" Sasuke asks.
"Naruto-big bro is Hokage now." Konohomaru points at the Volvo. "It's all about connections these days."
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Surpisingly, it is Hinata who takes to the cars the best. With her Byakugan, she can see 800 kilometers ahead, effectively eliminating any risks of collision. Rock Lee challenges her to a NASCAR race through the Fire Country forest. It comes as no surprise that he lost.
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Only Madara escapes. Even with a car going at 120 miles per hour, space-time ninjutsu is still faster. The only problem is, nobody remembers how to use space time ninjutsu, climb trees, or walk on water. After all, all Konoha ninja were too obese to climb trees. In fact, they were too obese to walk anywhere, except to the ramen vending machines.
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The Konoha council is pissed and drags Tsunade back into office to restore order. A new law is issued: Shunshin only, dumbasses. The new law works, because the cars have all run out of gas and nobody had thought ahead to purchase petroleum.
Orange is discarded along with the vending machines and the village is returned to a relatively normal state. Kakashi is freed from the retirement home and reinstated as a jounin.
Then Tsunade lost a bet and Konoha was forced to purchase a bulk order of a mysterious device called a "cell-phone"
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After reading sinemora09's "Ninja aren't Bulletproof", I began to wonder what the scenario would be with cars. But really, the version about guns is much funnier. I really recommend that you read it!