Will & Testament:

What Alec did before Jonathan's attack on Idris

I, Alexander Lightwood, being of sound mind and in complete possession of all my faculties, make this my last Will and Testament...

Alec paused and examined his handwriting on the page: the letters neat and even, as if they were written by someone whose soul was not in turmoil, by someone whose heart was not shattered in a thousand pieces, by someone who was truly in possession of all his faculties. But he wasn't. Who could be in complete possession of all his faculties after having given all of oneself to someone else? Who could be of sound mind after having ripped a part of their soul? Who could ever be whole again after having known and lost love like the one he had known and lost? Alec knew that as long as he lived, he would never again know peace of mind and that his heart would never be whole again. Thus, a part of him would always be of unsound mind and not in complete possession of his faculties.

He took a deep breath trying to reign in his emotions before they overtook him, the air fighting against the tightening in his chest as it went in. He needed to complete this task. A battle was imminent, he knew it, a battle for the present and future of the Shadow and Mundane worlds, a battle against Jonathan Morgenstern, who had made it his mission in life to destroy all that Alec held most dear. He would fight in that battle, and perhaps leave his life in it, and he knew that he did not want to leave this world without putting in writing a truth he had not been able to put into words. He tightened his grip on the pen and brought it back to the page.

I don't have much by way of property or wealth, he continued writing. As a Nephilim, I have dedicated my life, not to the pursue of wealth or glory, but to the safety of the Shadow World. The only thing of true value to me is contained in this box, which, together with this sealed letter, I bequeath to the person that matters to me more than anyone in world, more than life itself: Magnus Bane. I hope that one day, when he no longer resents me, he will be able to read what I have written and hopefully see the value of what I have left him.

Alec signed his name at the bottom of the page, folded it, and then sealed the document with his family's sigil making his last will and testament official. For a second he gazed down on the document, and then shifted his gaze from it to the small wooden box beside it, the box containing the only thing he had ever wanted to have and give away; the one thing he had hoped would seal his happiness but that now was only a reminder of his sorrow. He lifted the box gently and opened it to look one last time at the silver ring with the Lightwood crest that rested nestled inside. He had been so excited and full of hope when he asked his mother for it; he had felt his spirit soar as he imagined putting the ring in Magnus' finger, asking Magnus to make him the happiest man alive by accepting his hand in marriage. He had rehearsed his proposal in front of the mirror, searching for the right words to convey the deepness of his love.

He had been naïve, Alec knew. He had thought that he would be enough for Magnus; that alone, he could make the warlock happy; that he, with all his mortality, frailties and limitations, could make up for what Magnus had sacrificed. He should have known better. He should have known that he could never be enough; that he could never replace what Magnus had given up. He should have guessed that at the end Magnus' sacrifice would prove too costly.

Only a sacrifice can make up for a sacrifice, he thought, only the sacrifice of a life could ever give Magnus his life back and make him whole again. "Break his heart to save his life," Asmodeus had said, and Alec had done just that. He had kissed Magnus and at the moment in which their lips met, he had wished with all his heart for time to stop, so he could forever hold Magnus in his arms. He had wished for the moment to be eternal, because he knew that as soon as he began to put distance between him and Magnus, his life force would begin to fade until there was no light left in him. But time had been relentless and too soon, Alec had to rip himself from Magnus, take one step and then another away from the only man he would ever love. Each step had been a torture, a dagger piercing his heart, the feel of Magnus' incredulous eyes burning a spot between his shoulder blades. With all his strength, Alec had resisted the impulse too look back, knowing that if he did, his determination would falter, and all would be lost.

The price that Asmodeus had exacted in exchange for Magnus wholeness was Alec's own life, and he had given it gladly, for Magnus was worth any sacrifice, for there was no price too high for his lover's happiness. Now, he would go into battle and even if he survived, he did not plan to return to New York. He would leave, search for other paths, perhaps leave the Shadowhunters, wander the world for the rest of his life, limping along, without destination or home. Alec knew he needed to leave, he could not remain in the same city as Magnus, he could not bear watching Magnus from afar, being so close and yet so far from the only person who had ever made him happy. But before he left, he needed to put in writing for Magnus what he could never tell him face to face.

Alec picked another sheet of paper from the drawer, and carefully put pen to it.

Magnus, my love,

By the time you read this, I will be gone. I have left instructions for Jace to make sure you receive this letter in the event of my death, and if you are now holding it, it is because the fate awaiting all mortals has finally caught up with me. Perhaps I have died in the battle to defend Idris from Jonathan; perhaps another war has taken me; or perhaps it has been the years of loneliness, absence and sadness that have finally defeated me. Whatever the circumstances, please know, my love, that my last thoughts were of you; that it is your name I carry on my lips as I walk towards the void; and that if there is a life after this one, I will continue loving you in it as I have loved you in this life.

I broke your heart Magnus; I broke both our hearts. I never wanted to cause you pain, but it was necessary. You see, I had to break your heart in order to ensure that you got your powers and your immortality back. It was the price Asmodeus exacted in exchange for what you need to be whole again. In the process I traded my own life for yours, for even if I survive to live for many years, my life is worthless without you in it. I traded my life for yours because I could not bear seeing you suffer on my account and I could not imagine a world without you in it. It was worth it, my love. After all, I am a simple and mortal human, and what is a mortal life with all its frailty and imperfection when compared to the hundreds or perhaps thousands of years in which you will continue to do good in this world? I know you don't always think of yourself as good, but I do, my love, my Magnus. I know you are good and that you will continue to do good.

I leave you my family's ring, the one I had hoped you would accept along with my hand in marriage. I wanted to share my life with you, Magnus. I wanted to build with you a family, but it could not be. Still, I hope you will still accept this proof of my love and devotion. Even if my dream of calling you my husband never came to be, this ring is still yours; for no matter if I survive the battle against Jonathan and live many more years, there will never be another. You are and will always be the owner of my heart.

"It is time," Jace said from the doorway. "We are ready to portal to Idris."

"I will be right there," Alec replied and looked from the page to his parabatai, Jace's face solemn and a little sad, proof that through their shared bond, Jace could feel some of the agony Alec felt. Jace gave him a sad smile before turning and walking away once again, leaving Alec to finish the letter.

Loving you and being loved by you, my love, are the greatest honors of my life. I would have done anything to make you happy; I would have paid any price for just one more morning waking up with the feel of your body against mine; I would have given up my very soul for one more taste of your lips, for one more kiss, for one more embrace, for one more smile in your lovely face. I would have given my life for just one more chance to have your gaze shine on me again. But alas, life has dealt me this hand, and I must play it to the end.

Magnus, please know that I am and will forever be yours, in this world and in the next.

Alexander Lightwood.

Alec lifted the pen one last time and re-read the words he hoped captured all he felt for Magnus. As he read the letter, he felt that every word contained pieces of his soul and that in each line he had left shreds of his skin. As he sealed the letter, he sighed deeply, trying push deep within him the sadness and despondency that threated to overwhelm him. He was a leader and the upcoming battle required all his concentration, if not for his own sake, for those that counted on him. He then placed the will, the letter and the box in the safe, knowing that Jace would find them and do with them what he had asked.

It is done, Alec thought, I can now go in peace for all that needed to be said has been said and all that needed to be done, has been done.

He got up and walked towards the door.He turned at the doorway and took one last look at the office that had become his place of work since he became Head of the New York Institute. He thought he would miss sitting at that desk, but that it was time to go and, not matter what, he did not intend to return. He turned off the lights and closed door and the room felt silent, just his footsteps, swift and certain, sounding in the distance, their sound fading as Alec went to confront his fate.

We saw in 3B-19 how Magnus suffered as a result of Alec leaving, but we did not get to see how the breakup impacted Alec. This is my take on that. I hope you enjoy it. Leave a message to let me know what you think.