Thank you for clicking onto my third Gravitation story. I thought it would be a fun and interesting challenge/ experiment to attempt to write a fiction like this as I have a great deal of respect for both these characters, and as Mika and Ayaka are the main two female leads in the Gravitation story …so frankly there are not many other options for fem/slash , right?
And don't worry, I will update The Reading List and the Transparency series very soon, if anybody is following those particular stories. Thank you for your patience there!
This story features many of the themes that Gravitation contains- conflicted famly dynamics, diverse sexualities, mentions of homophobia, sexism, mentions of sexual harassment, etc. Ratings might go up.
The frenetic music blared from inside the club house, amongst the chatter from the loiterers ouside it - all those who was trying to scalp last minute tickets, merchants and the smokers in the doorway.
Ayaka Usumi was amongst them but she did not consider herself one of them.
And what ,Ayaka thought desolately , panting, leaning against the wall, her florescent club band cutting off the circulation on wrist, what on earth was she going to do with herself now?
It was darker than when she came in. (In more than one way than one?), and here, at night, she looked especially out of place. She wasn't the nocturnal clubbing, concert-going kind, and being surrounded by those types only made that difference further glaringly apparent. At least she was out though, in the open air. It had been so stuffy in there. She was thristy. Dizzy. Would she faint again? She did not like crowds. This crowd in particular unsettled her, with their strangely vacuous sounding laughter and their inscrutable shadowy faces. At least, there was more space and her sweater was warm enough for a moment. But how long could she stand there like this. Different? Unnoticed. Unwanted. Like refuse.
At that moment, a ember red Lamborghini screeched to the front curb, prompting some 'ooo's from nearer passersbys.
Then, the window had, with what seemed like deliberate slowness, rolled down.
Ayaka's eyes cleared and she saw a face emerge under from the glancing street light.
It was Mika Seguchi behind the wheel.
The older woman leaned forward, and called out. " Need a ride?"
After only a moment of heistation, Ayaka had nodded and gotten in the passenger seat.
Ayaka did not want to cry again but she's already on the verge of it.
She especially does not want to cry in front of her present company.
" But Shuichi Shindou … truly does care for Eiri. And Eiri… wishes to be with him. … I must respect that decision." Ayaka manages to say, with what's left of her composure.
Mika stares skeptically at her from across the table.
"Ultimately." Ayaka whispers. " I just want …. Eiri to be happy. We both do."
"Yes . We both do. But frankly, I think Eiri is making a very poor decision." Mika says matter-of-factly.
The older woman proceeds to pour more tea for the both of them.
"A decision-"
Ayaka tearfully watches the tea trickle delicately from the spout.
" That is not conducive to any sense of security or long-term happiness-" Mika murmurs fixedly on the cups.
"But … he must do what he is best for himself Mrs. Seguchi" Ayaka interjects in a trembling voice.
Mika looks up.
Her expression is dour.
"Oh really?" Mika lilts. " Do you think so?"
Ayaka's mouth clamps shut.
" Yes. I suppose Eiri must do what he thinks is best for himself. After all, Eiri is an adult. Physically anyways. " Mika clears her throat.
Ayaka looks at her surrounding and reminds herself where she is.
She's in Mika and Tohma's penthouse apartment.
Furthermore, she shouldn't interrupt her host.
After all, Mika was kind enough to pick her up. Although it had been a terribly awkward car ride. Mostly because it had been silent except for her occasional sniff. Ayaka had fixed her head towards the window to hide her tears. Meanwhile Mika had been pretending not to notice her crying for the sake of sparing her dignity.
But if, she had dignity, Ayaka thinks, she would not be here in the frist place.
Ayaka then recalls the night's earlier events which led her here.
Tonight, Eiri had taken her to see his lover Shuichi Shindou perform at the clubhouse. There, before his performance, Shuichi had screamed in front of all the world that Yuki was all his.
Not her's.
All his.
No contest. There never was.
Unable to bear this humiliation, Ayaka had stammered an excuse about needing to use the ladies room, and instead had gone to stand outside alone.
No one had followed her.
The tea cup beneath Ayaka is already wobbling again with her tear blinded vision.
" Yes... well...Thank you …for picking me up and taking me here. I was … at a loss. I didn't know where else to go. " The younger woman gingerly takes the cup into her hand.
"There's no need to thank me." Mika says.
"May I ask h-how did you know where I was ?" Ayaka cringes.
"My brother called me. He informed me that… you ah… " Mika's brow flexes. "might need a lift."
"Oh." Ayaka utters.
Why had Eiri called Mika to pick her? Why not someone else? Or a taxi to go directly back to the station?
She wish Eiri had done that instead. Given her current state, she cannot bear to look Mika or anyone in the face directly.
After a moment, Mika sighs again. "Ayaka."
Ayaka looks up, red eyed.
Mika says. " It is important that you know …that this wasn't your fault."
Hearing that is the tipping point.
Ayaka drops her cup.
It spills all across the sofa.
"Oh no!" Tears roll down the younger woman's cheeks freely. " I'm so very sorry Mrs. Seguchi. I can't believe I just did that- I'm such a klutz!"
"Its fine. " The older woman immediately steps into action. "It's a dark leather sofa. It won't stain. It will wipe off."
In a flurry of activity, they both simultaneously grab for a nearby napkin.
Their hands touch.
Ayaka for some reason, quickly withdraws her hand, probably to conceal another burbling sob.
Mika swiftly snatches the napkin and leans over the table to mop up the spill.
Ayaka falls face frist into her hand. "Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry."
"Please. The sofa doesn't matter Ayaka. There's no point in getting upset over it. All that matters is that did any of the tea get on you?" Mika frowns as she cleans the remnants away. " The water was hot."
" No- Its fine , I didn't get any on me. I rather it did spill on my legs, than on your furniture. I'm really sorry. You shouldn't be cleaning this up, I should, I made the mess!" Ayaka attempts to stand.
"No, its fine. Its very minor. Its an old sofa anyways. You just sit and collect yourself." Mika instructs her.
Could this day be any worse? Ayaka thinks.
Now Mrs. Seguchi must be angry at me. Or even angrier than before rather.
Not only am I not marrying her brother, she thinks, now I just spilled tea over their nice sofa.
Ayaka bursts into tears again.
Mika looks up at her confoundedly. She takes back the tea-soaked napkin and throws it on the tray.
"I'm sorry that I 'm such a mess Mrs. Seguchi… I can't do anything right. " Ayaka chokes. "This is so very embarrassing."
The older woman simply hands her a clean napkin.
"I just feel… so terrible. I blame myself." Ayaka's words pour forth from her uncontrollably. "This failed engagement is all my fault. Everything is my fault- and I've done so many stupid things lately, too many to mention. And to tell you the truth, I don't even know why I did them! "
Mika doesn't say anything. She simply sits back, as if steeling herself for more.
"Like I decided to leave home by myself to come to Tokyo, even though I didn't know what I was doing and … then I got lost, and I was all alone … I was even harassed in a park by two scary men… luckily I was rescued about Mr. Shindou and his friend, but I think… what if I hadn't?! And then finally when I did find Eiri again, instead of making an good impression, I fainted in front of him like a fool ! And when I did summon the courage to speak my heart to and confess my true feelings to your brother, I found out that he- oh - that he- belonged to another person all along and it was all for nothing! And now I can't stop crying. I don't know what's wrong with me. …I'm just so stupid!" Ayaka wipes her face frantically.
No. Ayaka" " Mika reassures her. "I should be the one to apologize to you. This… crying is probably just accumulated stress of everything that happened during this visit. The fault for this outcome is mine…. I should have taken better care of you when you arrived. Frankly, everything else -except the fact that you're safe and sound, is trivial and unimportant."
The younger woman shakes her head rapidly. "No. It isn't. This was my fault - How could you have done anything for me? I didn't even tell you or anyone else I was coming here! I didn't want to because I didn't want anyone to put ... put pressure on Eiri...or get everyone involved... I just wanted it to remain simply between him and I. And that's why your brother Tatsuha had to come all the way from Kyoto to find me and I know I caused a lot of trouble for your whole family and worry for my own! That's was another stupid thing I did!"
"You shouldn't have felt the need to come yourself, or come at all. " Mika 's gaze lowers. " I should have… taken care of that matter. I should have introduced you and Eiri sooner and in better circumstances."
"Its very nice of you to say but I was never good enough for Eiri in the first place! " Ayaka bawls into her (now) ragged balled up napkin.
"Please don't say that. You mustn't take what happened here to heart or allow this incident to shake your confidence. You're a very kind and accomplished young lady." Mika replies . "I don't understand why anyone would refuse you."
"I know perfectly why-! I behaved so awfully and immaturely that's why! "Ayaka whimpers. "I… even… struck Mr. Shindou! I still don't even understand why I did that! I've never …hit anyone before in my life! At the time, I just felt so…upset and panicked and humiliated…it just sort of happened.."
"Ayaka. Not that I condone that sort of outburst but…" Mika looks increasingly impatient at this emotional display. " But I do understand… it was a very stressful and… unprecedented situation. You were… in fact Eiri's fiancée, and to find out … what you did… in the manner that you did, would be very shocking and upsetting to any woman in your circumstances. I am sure … in light of that, Mr. Shindou has already forgiven your reaction."
"No . Even if he did forgive me, it didn't matter. I cannot forgive myself. A lady does not act that way. There's never any excuse for kind of that behavior, because at that moment, I showed my true colors - and I proved I was unworthy to be your brother's wife … or anybody's wife! Its no wonder Eiri choose Mr. Shindou because Mr. Shindou has a very good heart. He and his friend Hiro helped me when I was being bothered, even though they didn't know who I was. Also I know he would never done such a thing or raised a hand to me in a similar situation. In fact Mr. Shindou once learning I was his fiancée , brought me to Eiri because he thought it was the right thing to do, and because he only wanted what was best for Eiri. That's the kind of person Eiri deserves. A person who cares for his happiness above all else . " Ayaka weeps. "And if only you could see how your brother looks at him … I'd know you'd agree with me."
Mika blinks.
She looks surprised at that statement.
"That and… if I am honest with myself, I was never was a suitable match in the first place… I'm not beautiful or sophisticated or accomplished enough for Eiri . Eiri could have anyone he wanted…so why would he want a selfish stupid girl like me?" Ayaka sniffs.
"Please. Don't talk that way about yourself." Mika flicks out her manicured hand. "There's no use denigrating yourself, or blaming yourself for Eiri's choice, or comparing yourself to his... friend - its not fair to yourself to do that- you were after all his fiancée-in my mind, you still are."
"No. Truly ." Ayaka hiccups. " I couldn't compare myself to anybody and I was never entitled to anything. I think that was another reason I was so upset and… mortified about being … rejected …because I knew I always knew in my heart that I never stood a chance. Not in your family. How could I… I mean look at you!"
Mika's brow raises up. "In what regard?"
" I mean compared to you and the others in your family. Your entire family are so … tall, impressive and intelligent and good looking…" Ayaka whispers. "You especially. I'll admit when I was younger …I was always taken aback by you. A bit afraid of you even Mrs. Seguchi.…"
Mika looks skeptical again. " You wouldn't be the first. But why?"
" This is even more embarrassing to admit. "Ayaka ducks her head down, her shoulders hunching over, and blushes. "I always thought you were one of the most… beautiful and intelligent women I've ever seen. It was…quite… intimidating to be around you. Being such a average plain jane myself."
"Well , I think that's complete bullshit." Mika replies matter-of-factly.
Ayaka's mouth drops open .
She's never heard Mika swear infront of anyone.
Mika seemingly ignores her shocked expression and says. "However going to back to the subject. I am very sorry it didn't work out darling."
Ayaka eyes widen disbelievingly at that.
Mika has never used a term of affection towards her before ether.
" What I mean is… you're a… very sweet pretty desirable girl from a prestigious family. In truth, you're a prize." Mika continues. "You were certainly more than a good enough match for Eiri, and I know you truly care for him. The fact that you took it upon yourself to come out all this way to seek him out, tells me that. I could have trusted that you would have done what's best for him too, as he certainly doesn't know what's best for himself. Eiri's current … companion may be… well-meaning I suppose, but my little brother needs more than that. He needs someone who is stable, nurturing and proper. Someone with a clear future ahead of them and who embodies family values. You fit that description perfectly."
Ayaka places her hands in her lap . "Then I'm sorry that you disappointed you in every respect."
" No. You haven't. " Mika grits. "Its not you I'm disappointed in."
After saying that, her perfectly painted red lips twist, and her long lashed eyes flicker downwards.
"Are… you… alright Mrs. Seguchi?" Ayaka asks concernedly.
Mika looks up. "Why do you ask."
"I … just got the sense that you… felt sad." Ayaka speaks hesitantly. "Forgive me if that was too forward to say."
Mika looks bemused. "Now why should my feelings concern you Ayaka?"
"Why?" Ayaka gapes. "Because you are… important to me."
"I'm important to you? Why?" A strange and not-pleasant smirk oozes across the older woman's face. " Because I'm Eiri's sister? Or because a member of Nittle Grasper is my husband?"
" Um. No. " Ayaka is startled by that remark. "Not that… but because I have known you for a long time and I cannot help but… care about how you feel… of course."
Mika looks even more dryly incredulous at that.
Then, as if inwardly verifying the statement for its truthfulness or deciding that matter irrelevant entirely, Mika leans back in her seat.
"Very well." Mika clears her throat." That being the case, may I be candid with you for a moment Ayaka?"
Ayaka nods . "I would … be very glad if you did so."
"I am very sorry about this outcome. I 'm … actually quite angry at myself. I did not mean for you to get hurt by this arrangement, or … even risk your safety, or raise your expectations only to disappoint you, I truly wanted this to work out seamlessly. Not only for my brother's sake." Mika states quielty. " I did…have my own… selfish reasons for wanting you in our family."
Ayaka asks curiously. "What … do you mean by that Mrs. Seguchi?"
"I mean by that… all my life, I've always been surrounded by men, and … complicated men at that. Men who in their complexity never bothered to care to understand my position." Mika crosses her legs . "As you know, our mother passed when we were all young."
"Yes. I do know." Ayaka says meekly. "I'm so sorry about that."
Mika seems to ignore that too.
" So…" Mika continues softly. "I never felt as if I had enough of a feminine influence in my life. Often I felt, to put it simply… outnumbered… struggling against all the masculine overbearing personalities in my family, while trying to hold my own and at the same time, and take care of all of them. I found it all to be exhausting… at times . So… a feminine refuge, where I could relax, and… be … myself and unguarded, was always something that … I…personally craved."
Ayaka tilts her head perplexed.
Mika moistens her red lips. "Do you understand my meaning?"
Ayaka struggles. "I think so. I was… to be…"
"To be that refuge for me, yes. Part of arranging you and Eiri's marriage was driven by a selfish need of mine as well. You could say I always wanted a sister." Mika says frankly.
Ayaka's mouth falls open again.
Mika mutters. "Do forgive me. That was too forward of me to say."
"No. Its fine. Actually I'm really glad you just said that. I think… I… understand." Ayaka looks at her hands folded in her lap. "It must …have been very difficult to grow up without a mother…and be the only girl in the family? And have to try and take care of two little brothers too? I mean.. I can't even imagine the pressure , and what that must have been like… but I imagine it must have been lonely sometimes too.."
When Ayaka looks up, Mika's dark gaze at her is unwavering.
Almost unnervingly so.
"I mean… I .. never had a sister either- and I always wanted one too." Ayaka says bashfully.
"Did you." Mika stares.
"Um. Yes. " Ayaka nods shyly. "Part of why I am so sad about everything… was because… I was looking forward to being part of your family and getting to know you better- and finally having a sister of my own for once."
Mika considers that statement after a moment.
"Well. Even though Eiri and you didn't work out… it doesn't mean we can't be friends and sisters, does it Ayaka?"
Ayaka stares back.
" Would you like that?" Mika adds on pointedly.
"Oh! Yes… I would ! I would like to be your sister and your friend!" Ayaka agrees adamantly . "Very much ."
"Good." Mika assents "Then I'm glad we had this conversation.."
"I am too Mrs. Seguchi." Ayaka says humbly.
"Ah ah. You can call me Mika now." Mika smiles slowly at her. "After all… we are to be sisters remember?"
Ayaka manages a nervous smile back.
At that moment, Tohma walks in, clad in his ringleader like costume, resplendent in top hat and furs.
How did he do that? Ayaka thinks bewilderedly, how is it possible that someone with such an ostentatious appearance, could enter in a place so imperceptibly, yet so drastically change the atmosphere when finally noticed?
"Hello Miss. Usumi." The elegant man nods at them both and speaks in his peculiar sounding voice that despite its softness manages to fill a room. " Hello Mika."
" Tohma." Mika then gestures to him. "Would you like to sit down with us for a moment?"
" I wish I could but I am afraid I cannot. I'm only up here for a short time, to retrieve an item of interest." The older man answers. " I have already gotten it. I regret to inform you but I must cancel our dinner plans together Mika."
"Oh Tohma? Really? I made these reservation some time ago, and they were not easy to get ." Mika purrs testily. "You shouldn't have told me like this, and not on such short notice."
"I do apologize." Tohma murmurs. "We will have to rearrange our schedule for next time."
"I can't. It's a one time event. I don't want to cancel, but it is a prestigious set dinner designed for two . And who can I get to come now on such short notice?" Mika huffs.
"May I make a suggestion? Why don't you go with Miss. Usumi instead?" Tohma inquires gently. "If she has no plans?"
To Ayaka's surprise, Tohma turns to face her.
"I would be very grateful to you if you accompanied my wife to dinner." Tohma smiles politely.
Ayaka gapes back.
"Oh Tohma." Mika chided him . "Don't do that. Let the poor girl speak for herself. "
Tohma only gives Mika a sideways knowing look.
In turn, Mika looks even more annoyed at him.
Ayaka gawks at the both of them.
"Very well then. I'll ask her." Mika turns to directly face Ayaka.
" Would you like to have dinner with me tonight Ayaka ? That is, if you have not eaten yet " Mika's tone softens. "As my husband cannot make it seems."
Ayaka glances up at Tohma.
Tohma seems to give her a subtle nod.
Ayaka croaks. "I haven't eat yet… and I'm… quite hungry. So I would… love to….have dinner with you."
"Then it is settled… I will leave you ladies to dine then." Tohma smiles and does a minute bow. "It was very nice to see you again Miss. Usumi."
"Likewise." Ayaka mumbles.
When he leaves, Tohma does look at or wave to Mika.
Mika doesn't wave either.
She does watch him leave though.
During which, the older woman is silent, tea cup raised before her mouth like a guard. Her expression is intent, rueful, if not near exasperated. If not a little secretive. Discontented.
Ayaka suddenly feels even more ashamed then before.
Probably Mika is sick of her being there. She was probably looking forward to that dinner with her husband as an escape.
Although the entire exchange between her and her husband was very odd.
Ayaka feels very confused. Not only is that her presence in their penthouse indicative of her failed purpose of this ill-begotten trek to Tokyo, she now feels she has witnessed something she hasn't supposed to see between Mika and Tohma Seguchi.
But what was Ayaka supposed to see?
Although, nothing was seemingly wrong with that brief bit of interaction .But weren't most married couple supposed to say goodbye to each other at least? And their talk of schedules and even having a dinner together seemed so formal…
Then again, Ayaka thinks, how can she assess anything about the intricacies of a husband wife relationship, or much about any relationships really- as demonstrated by her most recent behavior.
When Tohma is gone, Mika clears her throat.
"Well then. Dinner it is. We should get going . "
Ayaka glances down at her outfit.
"Oh … I just realized. But am I nicely dressed enough for this restaurant ? I don't know how fancy it is. " Ayaka picks at her skirt anxiously. "And it is nighttime…I'm just wearing my casual day clothes…"
To that, Mika appraises her up and down.
Ayaka suddenly feels very self-conscious
Finally, the older woman states. "Its fine. You can borrow one of my outfits ."
Before Ayaka can say anything else, Mika is standing up and gestures her to do the same.