Authors Note: Just a quick fiction for my enjoyment.
You're So Annoying
" What is that man's name? Cloven…that man…. he's so dreadfully irritating." Scarecrow mumbled to Two-Face while clenching his fists. "I think I'll cut off his lips if he does that popping sound one more time."
"You think he's annoying now, wait until he starts talking." Two-Face growled.
As if on cue, Joshua Cloven got up from his seat and walked towards the pair. He was completely unaware of the threatening glances that the two inmates were giving him.
"Hey guys, what are you playing?" Cloven asked.
"Chess. It's the only game that has game pieces that look like this." Scarecrow said holding up a knight.
"Well I used to play checkers with chess pieces. So maybe you were playing checkers."
"Well maybe you're an imbecile." Scarecrow replied.
"Wow, somebody here is a negative-nancy." Cloven announced offended.
"Consider yourself the rejected-retard." Two-Face retorted.
Cloven's face became visibly red as he turned speechless and ran off, leaving Two-Face and Scarecrow to their chess game.
"That was somewhat satisfying." Two-Face said laughing a bit. "Check."
"Uh-oh, don't look now, but Cloven told mommy." Scarecrow mumbled as a beefy man with a gun walked towards them.
Scarecrow sighed deeply, knowing he'd never be able to finish his game. This had actually happened a week before. Cloven, no matter how many times he'd insulted the man, kept coming back for more abuse; and the outcome was always the same- isolation and loss of free time.
"What'd I do this time?" Two-Face asked as the guard stood in front of him. "Wait, let me guess…I made Cloven cry."
"On your feet. This is the third time you've disturbed another inmate. You know the rules, if you can't get along with other inmates, you don't get your free time." The guard said crossing his arms.
" In that case, why don't you just put Cloven in solitary confinement? Everyone hates him. Be sure to tell him that." Two-Face smirked.
"You can tell him yourself in an hour," The guard scoffed while grabbing Two-Face's arm, " Him and his therapist are going to sit you all psycho's down and 'get to the issue'. We're getting too many complaints from him, and it's driving us all nuts. Excuse the pun."
"See you later Harvey, I guess I'll find someone else to finish our game." Crane sighed as Two-Face was being led away. "Does anyone want to finish this game of chess?"
A chorus of "no's" filled the room. Just as Crane was about to swipe the chessboard in frustration, the Joker jumped into the seat and started fiddling with the chess pieces.
"Why so glum, scare chum?" Joker asked. "I'll finish the game."
"You don't even know how to play." Scarecrow said frustrated.
"It's chess. You learn as you go…" Joker said knocking off a couple of Scarecrow's pieces, and putting on some of his own. He was obviously cheating.
"That man is really going to get it one day." Crane said with a scoff.
"Who?"
"Cloven."
"Who's Cloven?"
"You refer to him as 'Clovey' I believe."
"Oooh yeah, him."
"I don't suppose you know what he said about you?" Crane said as a smile dangled around his thin lips.
"Oooh do tell. I love gossip, especially when it's about me…" Joker looked at his nails admiringly.
"He said he's killed more civilians than you. He also said, and I quote, 'The Joker is not funny'." Crane said with a voice that was almost too emotionless.
"Joke's on Clovey 'cause he's a dead man." Joker responded seriously as he grabbed all of Cranes chess pieces. "Check me."
"I believe you mean 'check mate'."
"Not so fast, Professor, we're not even dating!" Joker got up from the table with a storm of laughter. Crane was left at the table alone, staring at the blank game board.
"Hey- come back with the pieces you stupid clown!" Crane growled.
Less than an hour later, Scarecrow found himself being ushered into a small room and sat down at a desk. Not surprisingly, Two-Face, along with Joker, Harley Quinn, Riddler, Ivy and Cloven were seated. Two guards stood behind the door as a young doctor walked into the room and greeted them all.
"Hello everyone. Here at Arkham we are very concerned about our inmates and we realize everyone here has special needs." A doctor said with an obviously fake smile. "I thought this session was a good way to address that, because it seems we have some sort of a problem- Miss Quinn would you mind not doing that?"
"Doin' what?" Harley asked as she scratched the Jokers back.
"A little lower Harl, and don't forget the sides." Joker suggested.
"Miss Quinn, this is an important issue and everyone's attention is required." The doctor scolded.
"Scratchin' his back doesn't make him deaf you know." Harley said rolling his eyes.
"I have to go to the bathroom. You jerks wouldn't let me go in confinement." Two-Face growled.
"Can I leave?" Ivy asked annoyed that the Joker was sitting next to her. "I mean, can't I just say sorry or something and go?"
"That depends. Do you feel the need to say sorry?" The doctor asked.
"I feel the need to puke if that clown doesn't stop jiggling his leg every time Harley scratches between his shoulder blades. "
"Stop touching him Miss Quinn." The doctor snapped.
"It's consensual!" Harley argued.
"This session was supposed to be about me!" Cloven whined.
"This session is farce, it's all a ruse for Cloven to get more attention!" Crane spat.
"Shut up! ALL OF YOU!" The doctor shouted. He then took a deep breath and straightened his tie. "Now that I've gotten your attention, I hope we can sort out the animosity between you all and Mr. Cloven. Is there anything anyone would like to share? Riddler would you like to go first?"
The Riddler gave the doctor a blank stare, not bothering to move as drool dripped from the side of his mouth.
"I think he was sedated before this meeting. Not that I'm a licensed doctor or anything." Ivy scoffed.
The doctor looked visibly irritated at Ivy's conjecture, but remained poised. Everyone remained silent, wishing that they could be somewhere else. After about two minutes of silence, it was clear they weren't leaving. The Joker, bored now that his back scratch was over, was the first to speak.
"You know what Doc? I would like to say something." Joker announced with a maniacal grin, " Say, Clovey, you're funny aren't you? Tell me a joke."
"W-what?" Cloven stuttered.
"Make me laugh funny boy." Joker growled. "I mean, you would know who is funny and who isn't, since you're so drop dead hilarious."
"I don't know what you're talking about…" Cloven replied looking nervous.
"Keep talking." Crane said smiling, enjoying Cloven's upset, "The fear is just rippling off of him."
"Ah ah ah Professor Crane. No more of this 'fear' business." The doctor said.
"But fear is a natural part of life! It's healthy! Everyone would stick needles in their eyeballs if they didn't have fear to stop them." Crane argued.
"We're getting off subject." Cloven whined.
"Let's start with the basics Cloven, what do you want written on your tombstone?" Two-Face asked.
"That's enough!" The doctor shouted. "Anymore outbursts and your all going to spend the rest of the day like Edward Nigma."
"So now you notice he's completely gone." Ivy mocked as the doctor threatened them all.
"Can I be sedated? This session sucks." Harvey scowled.
"No." The doctor said tersely.
"Lucky bastard." Two-Face mumbled jealously at Nigma's oblivious state. "Will you sedate me if I make a lot of outbursts?"
"After the meeting, yes."
"Curse you vile snakes!" Crane spat.
"I don't get what's the big problem. If Cloven actually left us alone, there wouldn't be anything to worry about." Harley said. "Isn't that right Puddin'?"
"Well if he was dead, our problems would go away." Joker suggested.
"Do you always feel the need to murder your victims in order to solve your problems?" The doctor asked Joker seriously.
"Fastest way from point 'A' to point 'B' doc." The Joker said bursting out in laughter. He swiftly turned his head, wide-eyed and crazily staring at Cloven.
"Please don't kill me Mr. Joker." Cloven pleaded.
"Don't worry Mr. Cloven, he can't harm you here." The doctor soothed.
"That's not true, he killed some guy named Lesley McDonald yesterday afternoon." Two-Face said.
"He didn't wouldn't let me bump off that poseur clown and be the official icon of everyone's favorite fast food restaurant! I could have made billions!" The Joker spat, the whole situation distasteful to him.
"It's okay Puddin', you'll still be my number one clown." Harley said kissing him on the lips.
Ivy rolled her eyes and gestured her finger going down her throat.
"From now on, none of you are allowed to talk unless I say you can." The doctor said annoyed.
"Or you'll do what? You'll take away our snack time? Please." Scarecrow mocked. "I can see your biggest fear is no one takes you seriously."
"THAT'S IT! I QUIT!" The doctor shouted rising from his seat dramatically. "You're all psychos and freaks! And as for you Cloven, stop being such a bed-wetter and grow some spine!
Cloven was visibly sniveling while everyone was laughing, Joker obviously being the loudest.
"Dead? How can a ten minute session end in a murder?" Jeremiah Arkham shouted.
"Well, we found this chess piece jammed down his throat- no one knows how it happened…" A woman said holding up a knight in a plastic bag.
"Alright, write a report on it. Bury it in some file. Thank god Cloven doesn't have any living relatives. I don't want to waste an afternoon making phone calls like I did to the McDonald family. Understood?" Arkham said running his hands through his hair.
"Yes sir, it's a very unfortunate situation." The woman said walking off.
Arkham opened a drawer and found a cigarette, knowing it wouldn't be his last.
Authors Note: Don't we all want to kill a guy named "Cloven" in our lives?