Brutality and Extreme Cleverness- The Tale of L vs. The Jigsaw Killer~!
This is in no way serious.
If you wanted a gritty, realistic story about what would happen if these characters met... go read one of the other Death Note/Saw crossover fics instead. This is lampshade-hangy, action-movie-esque fun. But please do continue.
"So... he's killed everyone who ever searched for him. I would assume my anonymity would be your reason for contacting me today." The voice was heavily distorted and spreading around the room, echoing slightly. "Yes..." replied Lt. Frank Rolff, one of the three remaining members of the secret Jigsaw investigation. "Since Strahm's involvement, no one has really been able to..." "Of course.", he was interrupted by the screen, it's white glow, displaying a calligraphy L, illuminating the officers. "No sane person would ever put themselves in the way to withstand such... sorrow as has been inflicted so far, and I simply cannot imagine one of the few people with any evidence on this case would do such a thing." The group, made up of Lt. Rolff, Sgt. James Walker and Detective Richard Fawkes, was looking into the screen, aware of L's "secret weapon" status, and ready for a revelation. Fawkes quietly said into the computer, "So, do you have any theories?" L replied quickly "From the proof, it is obviously Hoffman. Between the records of who was where, when and the number of mini-tapes, scrap metal and electricity credited to his credit billing." The group stood, awe-struck, that L was able to decipher what they had been working over for months. "Quite simple, really. It seems I'll be remembering this as a project of interest, albeit a short one." "Wait!" shouted Rolff into the laptop's mic, "Is that all? I doubt that, completely without physical evidence, you could find thi-" L once again interrupted a member of the investigative team, something Fawkes was getting sick of, saying hastily, "There is physical evidence. I have hundreds of research sources, all leading to Hoffman. Like the months of stock market analysis involved in his capture of William Holden, as well as the numerous investors and personnel from his company... Do you know many people who go into insurance firms with a sinister look on their face every day for a month? Only someone with a reason to do so, and if security cameras are to be trusted, then he certainly is. He was the only survivor of numerous Jigsaw attacks, and the sole surviving member of the decoders in that incredibly suspicious fire, which, by the way, was also caught on video. So, if Hoffman isn't Jigsaw, he certainly murdered Perez and Erickson. And I haven't even mentioned his numerous sightings with people who were involved with the official first Jigsaw, John Kramer. And now I have. If I were you, I would synthesize your voice track and provide this tape to the police. Honestly, a child could have figured this out." You could hear the sound of the officers' jaws dropping from space. Their awe was held back slightly by sounds of L and Watari, talking quietly about something regarding snack food supply in wherever they were. The transmission suddenly ended. "What the hell?" whispered Fawkes, before realizing power had been cut from the laptop. He felt a whack, and the world disappeared in a flash.
The Super Secret Jigsaw Investigation Force [or SSJIF for short], was started by Officer Allison Kerry, who sent out secret messages to each of the members of the SSJIF, due to their separation from the Jigsaw case, although highly skilled in law. The group began to have secret meetings in parking garages and in small, unavailable rooms of colleges and universities. The four knew of the danger from what they were doing, and in their investigation, even managed to switch cities between each meeting to keep their existence unknown. But soon Hoffman had caught up to Kerry's sending of transmissions, and just in case, had her brutally killed in a trap she couldn't possibly escape. But, the contents of the transmissions were destroyed after each, so he couldn't find the names of the receivers. Fawkes, Rolff and Walker realized this, and soon began to become even more secretive. The meetings were scheduled further apart, and none were held in the city they knew Hoffman now ran. The single flaw in their plan was, that as evidence began to heat up, Hoffman decided to bug every police laptop in their force, simply to make sure of no "suspicious behavior". And to Hoffman, this was the most suspicious of all.
Fawkes woke up, seeing a mysterious face. He was upside down, and looking at this odd figure, who had scraggly, jet-black hair and a loose white, long-sleeve shirt over his scrawny, but a bit muscular, chest. "Hello Dick.", the odd yet familiar figure said, "It seems Hoffman found us out.". Fawkes suddenly came to the realization that, if there was only one SSJIF, he knew Hoffman was the next Jigsaw, and this man was no one of the three surviving members, he must be... "L." Fawkes said in absolute disbelief. "Hello there. It seems we're in some sort of pulley. One of us must take a bullet, and the other must be plunged into a pit of razors. I checked the tape, just had some broken Aesop about how we were obsessed or something, a mere cover for Hoffman's petty revenge." Fawkes, still figuring his way around, saw the trap. Each of them had a chain wrapped around their ankle, stuck between a pulley. Each had a relatively narrow pit, full of razors, below them, although nothing a normal person could avoid. Just above this, close enough that one would be inserted into the pit, was a key. Above them, was a pulley, meaning that if one of them moved upwards, the other would be sent down, and vice-versa. Next to his pulley was an automated gun, and a key, placed perfectly as to shoot the victim in the shin. L said ""The higher chance of dying, and faster, from this height, would be the razors. I'll take the razors." L jumped, as to send himself downwards, sending the two their separate ways. L grabbed the key, unlocked himself at an amazing speed, and managed to do a handstand above the razors, causing himself no harm. Fawkes, on the other hand, flew up into the gun, grabbed the key, and was shot, in exactly the spot Hoffman intended. He yowled in pain, as L helped him down from the pulley. "There sould be about two or three more of these, then we'll be done. The two enter the next room, where they see the next trap. Rolff and Walker are tied together on a rack, with two automated nailguns sitting to either side of them. L threw away the tape, hit an odd red button, watched as Rolff and Walker were mutilated by the nailguns, and walked away, Fawkes limping behind him. Fawkes screamed "You psychopath! You killed them!", to which L replied "Yes. He won this round, but we've taken enough damage for it to be fatal if the smallest injury were to occur, well, for you at least. Sacrifices must be made to bring this sick murderer, as yes, he most certainly is a murderer, to justice, along with the end of his ideals being spread by the foolish and misguided." The two walked down a narrow hallway, until reaching another door. He heard a scream, "Don't come in! Three more minutes and we'll all get out of this!" The voice started crying intensely. Another came in, "Hey! If you do it, he'll die. I don't care, but hey, if you don't like blood or whatever...", and rambled onward. L recognized the voices as his heirs, and ran in recklessly, to see Near's head completely obliterated by two massive blocks of ice. "Ah, he's lowering his budget." L said, prompting Mello to shout "What are you talking about? What is this?". "Oh,", L quickly responded, ",this is some sick torturer-killer, who will be taking an even justice by the end of today. Also, he's used this one before. Come on. We're heading towards the bloody room where we're going to have our dramatic finale." The three walked[and in Fawkes' case, hobbled], up the stairs, before Fawkes bled to death. The other two went "Meh. Same diff. Damn Mary Sue.", before arriving at the dramatic final point, a rooftop covered in snow. Hoffman and some old lady were there, arguing. Hoffman pushed the old lady off the roof[YAAAAAAAAAAY pointless minor character bridge drop!]. Hoffman points a gun at L and Mello, and screams "How'd you figure me out? Mello, you have nothing to do with this, so go sit in the corner.", so Mello did, with a small sigh. Hoffman ranted off brokener and brokener Aesops, until he started strangling L. L, from both pain and being sick of the pointlessness of the whole ordeal, decided to bicycle kick Hoffman for fun. So he did. Hoffman flew back, into a small brick wall, before getting up and yelling "Blah blah blah blah life. Blah blah blah blah blah blah meaning. Blah blah blah blah blah cops blah blah blah blah justice blah blah blah blah brutality!", before firing all his bullets in one mad attempt to kill L. It didn't work. Suddenly, Mello realized something. "Dumbass! You didn't check my pockets.". Mello pulled, from his pocket, out that massive revolver he always carries around and shot Hoffman with all his bullets[hitting, of course, because good guys always hit], then pushing Hoffman off. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Watari in a helicopter appeared and said "Hey boys! Want some hot chocolate!". Then they turned the radio on and sang along all the way home.
"She got 'dem apple bottom jeans [jeans!],
boots with the fur [with the fuuur!],
the 'ole club was looking at 'er! ['ERR!],
she hit the floor [she hit the floor!]
next thing you know,
shotay got low low low low low low!"