Disclaimer: The characters in this story aren't mine. They belong to Ryan Murphy and Fox. I'm just borrowing, not making any profit, and I'll return them once I'm done. The song used is "Look at Me", as sung by Carrie Underwood from her album Play On. It's written and arranged by Jim Collins and Paul Overstreet and by using it, no copyright infringement is intended. Don't sue me! I'd hate to sell my guitars to be able to afford legal counsel…
A.N.: I like country music. Or, I love country music. Old, new and everything in between. They make great premises for fan fiction. I believe this is the third time I've used a country song in my stories. It probably won't be the last time, either…
Hope you enjoy!
I would bet my life like I bet my heart
That you were the one, baby
I've never been so sure of anything before
You're driving my heart crazy
She'd always known this would be the song she'd dance the first dance to on her wedding day. Not like this, though. Never like this. The words, sung so beautifully, hurt her in ways she knows will leave marks on her already scarred heart. The arms around her tighten, nearly suffocating her. The body pressed against hers is too warm, too tall, too … everything. It makes her want to run. Run fast and far away. Or maybe run back, into a past she'd thought didn't matter anymore. Clearly, she'd been wrong.
Her back is turned towards the stage. Every time her dance partner tries to make them turn to switch their positions, she freezes up until they relent. She doesn't want to face the stage. She's pretty sure she actually, physically can't. It will break her. She just knows it will.
She feels, more than hears, the words whispered against her ear. The exhales of breath accompanying them and the scratching of stubble against her cheek make her shiver in all the wrong ways. She knows she should be thankful for the promises of undying love being made to her, but all it does is make her skin crawl. This isn't how she pictured it. Not even close.
Traitorous tears try to force their way through overly used ducts. Her eyes burn, her throat burns, but she refuses to cry. It's done now. She's married. It's time to stop living in the past. It's easier said than done, though. Instead of focusing on the voice of her brand new husband, her ears only pick up on the angelic sound coming from the speakers.
I can't hold out
I can't hold back now
Like I've done before
Darling look at me
I've fallen like a fool for you
Darling can't you see
I'd do anything you want me to
I tell myself I'm in too deep
Then I fall a little farther
Every time you look at me
Every muscle in her body is screaming at her to turn around. To face the ghost of a love long past that's been haunting her ever since. Instead, she closes her eyes tightly, trying to will her wandering mind back into the present and forget about the woman she's loved for as long as she can remember.
How do you do that, babe?
Make me feel like I'm the only girl alive for you
I don't know what it is that makes me fall like this
First time in your arms I knew
The way you held me
I knew that this could be
What I've been waiting to find
She doesn't know what she's done to deserve this. To have to listen to this voice, this song on this day. When her parents had found out that it was indeed thatRachel Berry, the one she went to high school with, they'd been adamant to have the Broadway-sensation sing at their daughter's wedding. No amount of fight she'd put up had been able to deter their plans. An invitation had been sent and every one of her prayers after that had been in vain. The moment her parents had shown her the confirming RSVP, she'd been down the hall and into the bathroom in seconds, vomiting until her stomach had nothing more to offer but the bitter taste of bile.
She feels the voice calling to her; begging her to turn around. It's silently screaming at her, "Look at me!" But she doesn't, because she can't. She can't face Rachel while in the arms of her husband. Not while the love of her life is singing their song. It's killing her slowly but surely and once again she's left wondering how life could be this cruel. Squeezing her eyes shut even tighter, she clings to her husband for dear life, letting the heartbreak wash over her while she feels familiar eyes burning holes into the back of her skull.
She stops fighting the tears and soon she feels the warm wetness trace her cheeks. On the inside, she's exploding. Her heart is beating too fast and she can barely catch her breath. Burying her face into her husband's shoulder, makes it all so much worse. This man, who loves her, who wants to spend the rest of his life making her happy, is providing comfort to a wife who doesn't feel the same. A wife who will never look at him the way she looks at her. And now she's crying for breaking his heart, too. He mistakes her emotions for something they're not as his voice turns soothing, whispering how he feels the same way. And when she finds the strength to look up at him, at his beautiful, caring face, she finds nothing but love and tears in his eyes and it cripples her. How could she have let this happen?
Rachel's voice pulls her attention away from him when she hears a shuddering breath being taken before the last chorus of the song. The familiar sound calls out to her. Rachel is breaking, too. Without realizing it, she turns around and finds the singer staring at her. Pain is written clear across her face and the white-knuckled grip on her microphone doesn't go unnoticed by Quinn. She's breaking. Or maybe she has been broken for a long time now. She knows the feeling.
She feels arms wrap around her from behind, trying to coax her into finishing their dance, but she's frozen. He settles for moving flush against her back, his body swaying to the slow country music. He doesn't recognize that his wife is no longer with him. That every fiber of her being is now focused on the woman on stage. The one whose tears seem unstoppable now that she has the attention she's been craving all through the song. With their gazes locked, everything else falls away and Rachel's voice has never sounded more sincere when she forces out the last couple of lines.
Darling look at me
I've fallen like a fool for you
Darling can't you see
I'd do anything you want me to
I tell myself, I'm getting in too deep
Then I fall a little farther
Every time you look at me
Every time you look at me
The wedding guests go crazy after the final chord sounds. More than a few are wiping at eyes and cheeks to rid them of tears brought on by the heartfelt performance of their local heroine. Rachel seems unaffected by the praise, her eyes still trained on the beautiful woman in the beautiful wedding gown. When she watches the man, standing so intimately behind Quinn, bow his head to press a kiss to her cheek, the spell is broken. Quinn isn't hers. Not anymore. A desperate sense of loss overwhelms her and there's nothing left to do now, but flee.
So she does. With a freshly broken heart and a never ending stream of tears falling from her eyes.
Not noticing woman whose laser-like hazel gaze is following her exit. Not yet knowing that, in a couple of months, that same woman will be standing on her doorstep, begging for another chance.