Pretty much wrote this ages ago, last year I think, and thought it would be fun to upload.
I own nothing, but I wish I did, though.
Read, and let me know what you think.
I climbed into the Jeep, and closed the door behind me.
The thoughts were spinning around, making me feel dizzy.
For once I was glad there would take several hours until I was home again.
For once I was glad Ian wasn't with me. I was glad I had forced him to stay home.
I needed some time alone, and I had a lot to think about. Or had I?
Yes, I did. Like how would I tell Ian?
He knew I had been to a Healer, and that's one of the biggest reasons it was so hard to convince him to stay in the caves. I couldn't have him with me.
He knew how I had felt for the last couple of weeks.
But he didn't know Doc's theories. That was just Doc and me.
I had gone to Doc a week ago, and I told him I had had headaches for over a week.
He asked me more questions, and did everything he could to find out what could be wrong.
But he didn't have more than theories. None of them was good, and one was worse then the other.
But not even in my worst day could I imagine it was the worst theory. The only one that could make me leave this life. The life I loved so much. The life I wanted to live.
I knew I would live in this body until the day I would die, but I hadn't thought that day would come so soon. I had only lived a little more than a year in Pet's body.
In my body.
Life was great. Was.
I loved my life. Love.
Had living a year in perfect joy been too much? Was I punished for living with humans, leaving behind the life I should live? Leaving behind the life I didn't want to live.
The thoughts continued to spin for the hour it took for me to drive to the place where I left the Jeep.
I walked slowly, dragging out the time. I didn't feel like seeing someone right now.
I couldn't tell Ian. I had to. It would kill me to tell him. And it would kill him.
There were no right words for this, no way to minimize the pain it would cause him.
There was no way out of this. Only one way. And I didn't now if I wanted that.
If I were selfish I knew I wanted it more than anything else.
But there was a small problem. I'm not selfish. I can't be selfish. Even if I want to be.
I slowed my steps even more, looking up on the bright summer sun. I closed my eyes, and breathed slowly. I could feel my heart pounding hard and even. But my heartbeats were counted.
I just didn't know for how many more I would live.
I had managed to slow the steps so much so that it was dark when I entered the caves again.
But people were awake. Waiting for me to come back.
"Wanda, you're back!" Jamie shouted when he saw me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
He was alone, for now.
I tried to smile into his neck. It was hard.
"Hey, Jamie." My voice was barely a whisper, even though I tried. Tried so hard.
"How are you?" he asked. He didn't really know why I had left.
No, no one knew. Just me, Ian and Doc.
We had told everyone I was going on a quick raid.
"I'm tired. Where's Ian?"
"Kitchen, I think." Then I would avoid the kitchen for as long as possible.
"And Doc?"
"Hospital. Where else?" Jamie chuckled, and I chuckled with him. To me it sounded wrong. Did he hear it?
"Yeah, where else?" I asked distant, more to myself than to Jamie.
"Are you coming to the kitchen with me?"
"Soon. I just have to give something to Doc first," I said. It wasn't really a lie.
I did have something to give him. An answer to his question.
It would be a lot easier to tell Doc then to tell Ian. So I would begin with him.
"Okay."
"And Jamie, can you tell Ian I need to talk to him later? Just tell him I'll meet him in our room."
"Mmh, sure sure," he answered and I saw him disappear.
I walked slowly down to Doc too. It would be hard telling him, he was one of my best friends.
I could see a blue lamp shine inside the hospital. Doc was probably waiting for me.
I rounded the corner and found him sitting at his desk. But he wasn't alone.
Jeb and Jared were there, and the three of them were talking about something. I didn't listen, even though I could easily hear the words that were spoken.
I walked in silence, and no one seemed to notice me until Jeb turned around.
"Oh, hey there Wanda," Jeb was cheery, a huge grin on his face.
"Hey, Jeb, Jared. Doc," I answered as cheerful as I could. But I didn't fool Doc.
"I'd like to talk to Wanda alone," Doc said, his eyes not leaving mine.
"Yeah, right," Jared said, and both he and Jeb started to walk.
"Doc, see ya later," I heard Jeb said, just as cheerful as before.
I walked to sit on one of the cots. Doc continued to look at me.
It was very quiet for a long time and I looked down on my hands the entire time.
Doc was waiting for me to talk, waiting for be to be ready to tell him. I was preparing myself.
"It was… They did a scan, and they found something. It's located wrong and too big to do anything about it."
It was quiet for 37 hard, even heartbeats.
"I'm so sorry, Wanda," Doc said, and his voice was thick.
I didn't answer him.
"Did… did you have a chance to talk to Ian yet?"
"No, and I really don't know how to tell him. I mean, what's the best way to tell him I have a brain tumour bigger than a tennis ball stuck in my head and that I only have a few months to live?" My voice was angry and sad at the same time. It broke more than once.
Doc's face fell even more, and I could see a tear glimmer on his cheek.
"I'm sorry," I apologized.
"What are you apologizing for?"
"I don't know," I said honestly. I didn't know. Why was I apologizing?
I could feel tears burn in my eyes, but I fought against them. I didn't want to cry.
Not over this. How was it that I had been so ready to give myself up to save Mel, but now I couldn't face my own destiny? Was it because I had so much to live for?
No, I had just as much to live for now as I had then.
Only now, I truly had Ian.
Was that it? Was that why I wasn't ready to die? Because of Ian?
My eyes teared up even more when I thought about him. I didn't want to leave him.
Doc rose slowly, and walked up to me. I hopped of the cot, and returned the hug he was giving me.
Had he always been so tall? Yeah, it was just me who was short.
"I'm sorry, but I can't tell you what to say to him. I wish I could help you, but this is something you have to do alone." His voice was low. Sad.
"I know. Thank you. I… I should probably go. Tell Ian."
I let go of Doc, and I refused to meet his eyes. I couldn't look at him. Not now.
"If you need anything, you know where I am."
"Thank you Doc. For everything."
I turned around quickly, and walked out of the hospital. Still stalling with taking small, slow steps.
The door was open a little bit, so I knew Ian would be there waiting for me.
I cracked it open more, and saw him sitting on the mattress. When he heard me open the door he flew up into standing, looking at me. His face was more than worried.
I closed the door behind me, and turned slowly to meet him.
I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't stand here, looking at Ian, knowing I would die.
I didn't fight against the tears this time when they came. Instead I walked quickly into his open arms and wrapped my arms around his waist. I hugged him tightly, just as he did with me.
I didn't say anything, I just cried. I soaked his shirt, but he didn't seem to care.
I knew he wanted to know, but he didn't ask anything. Didn't say anything.
He just stood there and held me tight against his body while I cried.
I still didn't know how to tell him, and he didn't interrupt me while I thought.
The tears burned behind my closed eyes, and I tried to blink them away.
"I… The Healer told me I have a brain tumour. It's… located wrong, and there's nothing they can do."
My voice was muffled since I had my whole face pressed against Ian's chest, and it was just barely a whisper. I didn't know how he could hear me, but somehow he did.
He leaned his head down against the side of my neck, pressing his face against me.
I could feel him placing a kiss on my neck, and a tear falling from his eyes.
But he still didn't say anything. And I didn't know what else to say, so I was quiet.
It was quiet for a long time, before finally Ian spoke.
"There has to be something…" he started, but trailed off when his voice broke.
It broke my heart to hear him like this. This hurt. I never wanted him to be like this.
Eventually my tears stopped, and so did his. But we didn't move one inch.
Suddenly I felt exhausted, but Ian held me up when my knees gave in.
He easily took a small step and laid us on the bed, never releasing his grip on me.
There we lay for a long time, never saying a word.
It was many hours later when I spoke. Whisper, being the right word.
"I love you so much, Ian."
"I could hold you in my arms forever, and it still wouldn't be long enough."
I knew what he meant. And I felt the same way. I never wanted to leave his arms.
But I knew I had to at some point. Even if life itself had to force me to leave him.
At some point we both fell asleep.
We stayed in our room for days, not leaving each other.
We didn't eat, either. I wasn't hungry for some reason.
We talked a lot, but never about the tumour. It was like it would disappear if we just ignored it.
Pretended like it didn't exist. I wish it worked like that, so much.
But I knew we had to talk about it at some point.
I was surprised no one had come to look for us. But then there was Doc, who probably told them not to. He knew we would come out when we were ready. I was thankful for him.
When Ian and I didn't talk we slept. But we never left each others arms. We never let one inch come between us. Our bodies were so close we could have been the same person.
But we weren't.
And if we weren't asleep, and not talking, then we were quiet. But we didn't have anything to say. We were just enjoying the silence between us.
"You know we can't ignore it forever," I said on the third day.
I heard him taking a deep breath, and then he sighed.
"I know."
It was quiet for a minute.
"Did they say why… why they couldn't do anything about it?" his voice was thick, and it broke once.
"It's too big, and it's located wrong."
"So there's really nothing to do? I thought the souls could heal everything…" there was a slight twist of desperation in his voice.
"Not everything. There is something to do though, I just don't know if I want to…"
"Change into a new body?" his voice broke again.
I nodded against his chest. He probably knew why I had a hard time choosing that option.
I liked this body. I liked this life. But I didn't want to change my body because of several reasons.
I was finally feeling like a human, and that feeling would disappear if I changed body.
My feelings would take over and control me again, and that would make me feel like a parasite again.
And I didn't want to feel like that.
I knew that if it wasn't for Ian I could live my life in this body until I died. And I would die with this body. If it wasn't for Ian.
I wanted to live with him. Live a happy life with him. I didn't want him to feel any pain.
Especially not because of me. But could I be that selfish?
I wasn't sure, and that's why I hadn't told Doc to get me inserted into a new body already.
I knew it would be a hard decision to make, but I knew I had to make it. Soon.
"If you… If you don't, how long…?" he trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.
But I knew what he meant.
"A few months," I answered him, and the tears began falling again.
He nodded, and then burrowed his face in my long hair. His jaw was tight, and again I could feel a few tears running down his cheeks.
I couldn't bare his pain. I wanted to remove it so much, but I knew I couldn't.
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't be. You have nothing to feel sorry about."
"But I do. I'm causing you pain, and I don't want that."
"Hey, listen to me. This is not your fault, and it's your decision to make. And even though I don't want you to leave, I will stand by your decision. Whatever you'll decide on doing."
I started to cry for real then. How could I deserve him? It wasn't fair that I was doing this to him.
But I needed him. Now more than ever.
"Baby, don't cry, please?" he half pleaded, and I fought against my tears. I tried my best to compose myself. If not for myself, then I had to do it to Ian.
"I'm sorry," I said again. I was apologizing for everything with those words.
"Don't," he argued.
"I love you so much, Ian. You're my everything…"
"You're more then everything to me, Wanda. You're my whole life."
He moved his head, so that his lips could find mine. It was a gentle kiss, but our first for a few days.
The last time I had kissed him was when I left for the hospital…
The kiss grew, and became rougher and soon I had to search for my breath.
I leaned my head against his chest again, and closed my eyes.
I could feel him kissing my hair, and I smiled a small smile.
"You do know Mel is probably going to march into our room today," he said a while later.
Just as he said that, there was a knock on the door and I sighed. I had expected her to come hours earlier.
Ian placed a small kiss on my lips again.
"I'll come back in a few hours," he said, and I nodded.
We sat up at the same time, and my head spun for a few seconds.
I hadn't been sitting up for days now…
"Can you take some food with you?" I asked, as he stood by the door, ready to open it.
"What do you want?"
"Anything," I answered, and he nodded before he opened the door.
I saw Mel's form outside.
"Ian," she said, and I leaned against the wall.
"Mel," Ian answered her, and then I heard him walk away.
Mel walked inside, and I composed myself as much as I could.
My tears had been gone for about an hour, but my eyes might still be swollen. I hoped not.
"Okay, talk," Mel demanded after she had taken a seat opposite to me.
"What are you talking about?" I tried, but it didn't work. Not that I ever thought it would…
"Oh, you know what I'm talking about."
"No, I don't." I was stalling again.
"You and Ian have been hiding in here for three days now. Three days ago you returned from a 'raid'. A raid you didn't get anything on. And neither one of you have been eating. Jamie said there was something strange with you, and that you talked to Doc. We haven't seen much of him either. But when we did, he was all depressed. And you have something to do with that. Wanda, we've been worried out of our minds, and the only reason why we haven't kicked you out of this room is because of Doc. So damn it, Wanda, spit it out."
I met her gaze, and saw what I had heard in her words. Anger and worry.
She was staring at me, and I took a deep breath.
"This isn't something you want to hear today, Mel."
"So what, it's my birthday. Screw that, I just want to know what's wrong with my best friend and sister." She was demanding again, and my eyes teared up. Her face softened immediately.
"I didn't mean to be so harsh, I just…-"She started, but I interrupted her.
"Mel, it's okay. That's not the reason behind the tears."
"Then what is?"
"Just don't tell anyone… It's hard enough that Ian and Doc know about this, and I just don't know how to tell you."
She scooped closer and laid a hand on my arm.
"Wanda, it's serious, isn't it?"
I nodded.
"Three days ago, I didn't go on a raid. I went to a Healer."
She nodded, as if expecting so much.
"They… I'm sick."
"But, Wanda, they can fix it," she said, convincing herself.
"No, Mel, they can't," I said, shaking my head. Her face fell.
"Of course they can, Wanda, don't be ridiculous." She laughed without humour, still trying to convince herself.
I shook my head again.
"Mel. I have a brain tumour, and it's located so that they can't operate."
She stared at me with disbelieving eyes, shaking her head hard.
"Wanda, please tell me this is a joke."
"Mel, you know me. It's not a joke."
She was quiet for a minute or so.
"How… long?"
"A few months, maybe."
She closed her eyes, shaking her head again. Tears were running down over her cheek.
She took a few deep breaths, with her eyes still closed.
"When are we finding you a new body?"
"Mel, I don't know if I want that." My voice was a quiet whisper.
Her eyes flew open, and the worry was gone. All I could see was anger.
"Wanda, don't be so freaking ridiculous. You're getting a new body."
"Mel, I don't want to go through everything again. It's so many emotions I can't control…"
"You've done it before, and you will do it again!"
"Mel, it's my decision to make."
"Does Ian know?" she asked after a few minutes with silence and staring.
I nodded again.
"What did he say?"
"That he'll stand by my decision, whatever it is."
"Is he stupid!" Mel flew up from her sitting position.
"Mel, calm down."
"Calm down, yeah right. I'm going to calm down, alright. Right after I break his jaw and a few more bones," she said, and began walking to the door and opening it.
I got up, and followed.
"Mel, stop, please?"
"No. You know how much I wanted to kick his ass when he kissed us – you? I want to kick his ass so much more now," she was walking with long strides and I had to run to even come near her.
I cached up with her when we were almost at the kitchen, and I took a grip on her arm. She easily shook it off, and entered the kitchen.
"Mel, don't," I pleaded. I knew she could easily hit Ian as long as she wanted to. And I knew Ian wouldn't fight her. Because I didn't want them to fight. Not to each other, not ever.
The kitchen was full, and Ian was standing at the counter next to Kyle and Jared.
Jamie was sitting next to Jeb and Doc. Mel was right, he did look depressed.
It was time for dinner, so almost everyone was there. Just great.
Of course they all noticed us when we entered, especially since Mel was so agitated.
"Mel?" Jared asked, shocked to see her so angry. Her fists were clenched, ready to throw a punch.
For once I was happy to be so small, because I could easily slide in under Mel's arms and get in between her and Ian.
I could feel everyone's eyes on us, but I didn't care.
I turned to face Mel, and she was glaring at me.
"Wanda, move."
"Melanie, don't do this."
"He…-"
"Stands by my decision. Is that really something to hit him for? If you should hit someone, it's me."
"Wanda," I heard Ian say, but I ignored him.
"You know what? Maybe I should. There is only one decision to make, and you obviously can't see that. So yes, maybe I should hit you," she said and her voice was hard. It wouldn't surprise me if she actually did hit me.
"Mel," Jared said and took her wrists, holding Mel against him. Restraining her. "Okay, now tell me what this is about."
"No, I can't do that," Mel said after a while of silence, and Jared turned to look at me.
"Wanda?"
"I'm sorry, Jared."
"I'm guessing your… fight has something do to with the fact we haven't seen you or Ian for days, and the reason why Doc is depressed."
Of course Jared had it figured out, just like Mel had. He just didn't know exactly what this was about.
Ian's arms came around me, and I leaned against him before I answered Jared.
"You're right. But I'm sorry, I'm not ready to tell you. I wasn't even planning on telling Mel…"
"I can understand that and I can respect that. But I can't really help you if I don't know what this is about."
"No, no one can help her, Jared. And that's the problem. That's why I want to hit her. Because she's the only one who can, and she actually has to think about it, like there was something to think through."
"Mel, you know why. You know why this is so hard for me. Why I really don't want to think about it. Of course I want to stay. I wasn't afraid when I gave myself up for you, but now I am. Because this time it's not something I've chosen. I don't want this. I don't want to feel like this. Of course I don't want to feel like I'm betraying everyone by choosing one thing, and feeling like I'm going against everything I believe in by doing the other. And I don't know what to do because of that. This should be easy, just like you say. I'm hurting Ian, and you. And I can make that go away by choosing to stay. But you know me. I'm not selfish. And to do that, taking your pain away, I have to be."
It felt like I had given away all too much with my words, but I had probably just made everyone confused. But at least Mel's face softened, and her anger was gone.
"Jared, let me go," she said, and after hesitating for a second he did.
She threw her arms around me, which was hard because I was leaning against Ian.
But he let go of me, and I hugged her back. Although I still held Ian's hand in one of mine.
I didn't want to let him go.
Mel hugged me for several minutes, and it was very quiet around us.
No one talked. But I did still feel eyes on us and I still didn't care.
I let her go after a while, and I could see there were tears in her eyes.
"Mel…" I trailed off, not really knowing what to say.
"Wanda, it's okay. Just make a decision. Fast."
"I know what I want, I just don't know if I can."
"You can do anything, Wanda."
"You have too much faith in me, Mel."
"Nonsense," she said, trying to laugh. It sounded all wrong. Fake.
I gave her a small smile, and Ian squeezed my hand.
I turned around so that I could see Ian's face.
He was still asleep, his arm hanging over my waist loosely.
I had been awake for about an hour, and my decision was made.
Mel was right about one thing. There was only one decision to make.
And now I waited for Ian to wake up so that I could tell him.
While I waited, I thought about how I would tell him. What words to use.
I still didn't know when he woke up.
"Hey," he said as he opened his eyes and saw me looking at him.
I found his lips and placed a kiss on them before I sat up.
"You should sit," I said, and he followed in my lead. He held both of my hands, probably knowing I had made the decision.
"You made the decision," he stated, looking into my eyes, and I nodded.
"Well?" he asked, hiding all of his feelings.
"I don't want to feel like a parasite again," I started, but I saw a flash of anger in his eyes so I stopped talking. The anger didn't disappear, but determination was in his eyes, too. His hands held mine hard and his lips were pressed into a tight, white line.
"No, you can't do that. You can't leave me. We need you, I need you. I won't let you-"
"Let me finish?" I interrupted him, and he fell into silence, his eyes penetrating into mine.¨
"I don't want to feel like a parasite…" I took a breath before I continued. "And it's not right to take another body, but I just find myself unable to live without you. I don't want to. I need you, and I love you so much. I just can't leave you."
It was quiet for a few seconds, and he stared into my eyes. His eyes held the blue that was the anchor to my life here on Earth. The anchor to my life with him.
Mel was right, the decision was easy. I knew I couldn't live without Ian and if I just chose not to, I wouldn't have too. I had to be selfish enough to give this body up and take a new one.
Because I had to live with Ian. I had to have him in my life.
I didn't care if I had to be confused for a few months, I didn't care if my emotions would control me.
As long as I could be with Ian, I would be perfectly happy.
"We're getting you a new body?" he asked, his voice low and rough.
I nodded.
Suddenly Ian's lips were fierce against mine, and I kissed him back.
His hands were gentle, cupping my face. I raised my hands to lock them around his neck, pulling me closer to him.
"Are you sure?" he asked, panting, when our lips broke apart.
I stared back into his eyes and nodded. I was sure. He kissed me again.
"I love you so much, Wanderer."
"That's why I know I can do this. Because I love you too, so much."
"God, you scared me, Wanda," he whispered, pressing his lips against mine again.
I was more than happy to return the kiss.
I lowered my hands, placing them on both of his sides, right above his waist.
"I thought you said you would stand by my decision," I smiled and he let out a small sigh.
"I thought I could, but I guess I can't. Besides, I had to fight, right?"
"I'm glad you did," I said, truthfully. Him fighting only proved how much he really did love me.
I didn't like fighting, but some things were definitely worth fighting for.
"Since you've decided on staying, maybe we should celebrate," he murmured, pulling me closer and lifting me up so that I was sitting in his lap. His hands were caressing their way up from my waist. I locked my arms around his neck again.
"Well, what do you have in mind?" I murmured back, my lips lingering against his.
As an answer he took my lower lip, sucking on it gently.
I did the same with his upper, as I let my hands grip his thick hair.
I had really come a long way since I had been inserted into this body. For the first few months with Ian I could barely kiss him without my cheeks turning red. I still had a small problem with kissing him around people, especially like this. Thankfully Ian knew me, and we were never this close around people. But I always envied Mel and Jared, or other couples as I saw them kissing in the middle of a crowd. I wished Ian and I could do the same, and I hoped it would be different with my new body.
His tongue stroked my lip, asking for permission, and I left him an entrance. He darted his tongue out, and mine met his, dancing around together. Our breathings were speeding up, and I allowed myself to let out a small moan.
But then there was a twisting pain in the center of my head, and my lips froze.
The headaches were just getting worse, and they always came when I least wanted them.
"Headache?" he asked, and I nodded and opened my eyes. His were open to. Pained.
"It's okay, just a normal headache."
"I wouldn't call it normal," he argued and I sighed again.
"C'mon," he said then, and lifted me up in his arms while he managed to stand up. He didn't let me go.
"Where are we going?"
"Doc. You need No Pain, and we better tell them you need a new body."
"I can walk, you know."
"But I won't let you," he said, and tried to open the door. It didn't work so well.
"You want some help?" I asked, and managed to chuckle despite the headache.
"Maybe," he admitted after a few more tries and he let me down reluctantly.
He easily opened the door then, and we walked outside. When we were in the corridor, he closed the door and lifted me up in his arms again.
"Ian…" I protested, but he ignored me.
"Ian…"
"Okay, then, ignore me. Just now, that if you ignore me, there will be no kissing," I threatened him, and he smirked, meeting my glance.
"Oh, you now you won't be able to resist me." I fought my smile.
"Wait and see," I answered him, and then we heard voices.
"Doc first?" Ian asked, knowing I needed the No Pain.
I hated to admit it, but I had to so I nodded. I really needed the No Pain.
I had used it so much during the three weeks that had passed since the headache had started, that it almost was a normal part of the day. If you can call taking a daily dose of No Pain for normal.
Ian could see I didn't want to, so he tightened his grip on me.
"This is one of the last times, just think of it like that," he tried to cheer me up. And it helped. A little.
We heard voices from Doc's place, too. It sounded like Kyle, Jared and Mel.
I looked at Ian, who looked at me. I knew what he was asking, and I nodded so he continued to walk into the room.
Doc, Jared and Kyle were standing around Mel, sitting on a cot. Doc seemed to be examining her.
"Mel, is everything okay?" I needed to know.
"Yeah, just a sprained ankle."
"How?" I asked, as Ian put me on the cot next to her, going to get a jar of No Pain.
He knew where to find them after doing this every day.
Mel shot a glance at Ian, and then at Kyle.
"I tripped over Kyle."
"Ian, the No Pain is here," Doc said, knowing what Ian was looking for.
"Is that the last one?" I asked, looking at the jar in Doc's hand.
"No, we have one more."
"Good, because I'm going to need it," I said. Mel looked at me sadly, and I wanted to tell her. As soon as Jared and Kyle left I would tell both her and Doc.
Doc avoided my look, and I understood why.
Jared and Kyle both looked at me confused when I took the jar from Doc's hands, and took the No Pain. They didn't know I had been taking it for over three weeks now, and this was the first time they saw me taking it.
"What were you talking about?" Ian asked, turning the attention away from me.
'Thank you' I mouthed to him, and he nodded.
"We were just talking about that we needed to do a raid, soon. We just didn't know if Wanda wanted to come," Jared said hesitant, asking me without asking the question out loud.
"I'd love to come, but I'm not sure if I can, though," I said, and took Ian's hand as he stood beside me.
"Why not?" Kyle asked me, and I squeezed Ian's hand.
"Because I have some stuff to do, and I might need some help." Kyle and Jared shared a glance, looking confused. But Mel and Doc looked at me hopefully.
"What do you need help with?" Jared asked me, and I looked at Mel and Doc as I answered his question. I hadn't planned on telling them when Jared and Kyle were here, but that was too late.
"In a few months I'm going to need help with getting a new body," I said, and Mel jumped of the cot and hopped over to me on one foot.
"Oh thank god," she said, and wrapped her arms around me hard. I felt a tear roll down her cheek.
"What made you decide?" she whispered, and I whispered back.
"There was never anything to decide, really. You were right about that."
"How do you want to look like?" she chuckled, and leaned out of the hug.
"Okay, okay, back up. You need a new body?" I nodded at Kyle's question.
"Why?" Jared asked.
I shared a look with Doc. I didn't know if I could say it, not again. I knew I would have a new body soon, but it would still be hard to tell them.
Ian wrapped his arms around me while Doc spoke.
"Wanda has a brain tumour, and if she doesn't change body she only has a few more months to live," he explained, and as he did so I felt the No Pain take the twisting pain in my head away.
Doc's words left a long silence and two shocked expressions on the men in front of me.
Whatever they had expected, that wasn't it.
"W-w-what?" Kyle and Jared blurted out at the same time, and I sighed.
"The No Pain I just took is for the headache I've been having for a few weeks now. Five days ago was when I found out about the tumour. It's located so that they can't operate, and the only thing I can do is to change body."
"Why wait a few months?"
"Because it's better to wait. In this body I have a few more months left, and as much as I want to live without this headache I can't just leave this body. It's just feels wrong to get a new body and leave this one to just lie there and die." I hadn't told Ian this yet, and his arms around me tightened.
"Wanda," Doc started and his voice was calm and happy about my decision.
"You don't have to leave the body to die. There are alternatives to consider."
There was quiet when I thought it through. The only alternative I could think of was an overdose of morphine. But there was no morphine left, was there?
"There is no morphine left," I stated and Doc shook his head.
"I have a little bit left, and in the state your body is in it wouldn't take a lot to…" Doc's voice trailed off.
"Is it enough?"
"It's enough."
It was quiet again, and I thought again.
"I don't want to be there when it happens," I said. It would remind me all too much about when Walter died…
"Of course not, I'll do it as soon as I've taken you out."
"Good," I answered Doc, nodding.
"Okay, so when are we doing this?" I asked after another moment of silence.
"Whenever you're ready," Ian answered for everyone.
"Then we might as well do it soon, because I'm ready," I said, and they heard the truth in my words.
I was ready, and right now I felt selfish. I wanted my new life with Ian, and that meant I was selfish. So it was best to do it soon, before the feeling of selfishness disappeared.
"Well, then we might as well go now," Jared said, looking at me and I nodded.
Jared, Ian and I came back right after twilight with a new body for me.
Mel hadn't come with us because of her hurt ankle, even though she wanted to. But I wouldn't let her. Neither did Jared.
It hadn't been very hard to find me a body – in fact it had been almost too easy.
My new heart shaped face was bigger then mine was now, but that was mostly because I wasn't so small now. I wanted a body that could really work and that wouldn't be exhausted as soon as I was in this body. My new body was longer, about 5'5 feet, and you could see that the body was strong. But despite that the body looked innocent with the natural blond thick corkscrews that reached down long under the shoulders. The eyes were dark brown, almost black, under the black, long lashes. I was pretty in this body, but most would probably call me beautiful in my new body.
She was definitely older, maybe twenty, and this time I wouldn't have to lie about my age.
Ian didn't have much to say – he said he really didn't care how I looked like. I believed him.
But yet I made sure he liked my new body – which he did.
I hadn't looked when Jared had sprayed the Sleep into the air, and the body had fallen into his arms.
We had been done long before twilight, but we didn't want to meet so many people on our way down to Doc. There was too much to explain. Besides, there would be a few more days before I would be inserted into the new body anyway. We wanted to make sure no one was there to claim it.
We were lucky and didn't meet anyone on our way down to the hospital, but we weren't quite as lucky as we reached it. Ian and I walked into the hospital with my new body in his arms, and found Jamie and Jeb in there, with Mel and Doc trying to get them to leave.
"Oh hey, Wanda, Ian. Where's Jared?" Jamie asked, not seeing the woman in Ian's arms. At first.
"Well, well, what do we have here?" Jeb asked, and Ian laid my new body on the cot.
Mel and I shared a look, and we glanced at Jamie at the same time.
"What?" he asked when he noticed our glance.
"Doc, you can start, and I'll talk" I said, and gave Ian the cryotank we had gotten at the same time so that he could prepare it. Doc nodded and took out the right medications and his scalpel.
I hopped onto the cot next to Mel, and patted it at my side, wanting Jamie to sit next to me.
Jeb were still looking curiously at me and Ian.
"Okay, I have something to tell you. Don't overreact, because there is no reason to do so. The body Doc is preparing is going to be my new."
"You need a new body?" Jamie asked, looking at me.
"Yes, unfortunately I do."
"Why?"
"Let's just say that this body is sick, and the Healers can't do anything."
Jamie's arms came around me, and it was obvious that he wanted to know what was wrong.
But he wouldn't ask. I knew Jeb would, though.
"You're going to be okay, right?"
"Of course I am, Jamie," I answered him, and hugged him back.
"Wanda?" I heard Doc saying, and I knew he wanted me to help him.
"Mel?" I asked, looking at her. She knew what I meant.
"Jamie, c'mon," she said, and Jamie hopped of the cot reluctant and followed her out of the hospital.
I walked up to Doc, and was ready when he gave me the soul. I placed her carefully in the cryotank Ian was holding, and he closed the lid. Jeb was watching us without asking anything.
I turned around and faced him when Doc was done with the body, and noticed him staring at me.
"What do you want to know?"
"Sick how?" His question didn't surprise me.
"Brain tumour. It's located wrong, and they can't operate."
"Mmh, and I suppose that's what you and Mel were fighting about the other day?"
That question didn't surprise me either.
"Yes."
"You didn't know if you wanted a new body?"
"No." I kept my answers short for some reason.
"What made you decide?"
I was about to answer him when the it felt like someone had stabbed me in the back of my head with a force I had never felt before. My head had never hurt like this before, and the force of the sudden pain made my knees gave in. I was about to fall down but luckily Ian was close enough and managed to catch me right before I touched the ground.
I was glad Ian's arms were strong, because I didn't have any strength to hold myself up.
"Wanda?" Ian's voice was beyond worried, and my pain had caused him pain.
As much as I wanted to answer him I couldn't. I couldn't find my lips to speak.
I could barely keep my eyes open to look into his.
"Doc!" He said louder, and Doc answered with something I couldn't hear. Ian nodded in response.
Then I felt the faint scent of grapefruit and a few seconds later the pain was replaced by sleep.
There was a warm pressure on my hands, and I quickly recognized the hands holding mine as Ian's.
His other arm seemed to be around me, holding me, and it felt like my head was resting against his side. Was Ian lying down beside me?
My eyes fluttered, but I didn't manage to fully open them just yet.
Ian's hand squeezed mine harder.
"Wanda? Baby?" he asked, and now, free from the pain, I could find my lips.
"Mmh," I answered him, and this time I managed to open my eyes when I tried.
I found Ian's as soon as I turned my head, and I looked into his blue eyes for a moment.
They were full of worry.
I also found out I was right. From what I could see I saw that we were in the hospital, and Ian had placed himself beside me on the narrow cot. I was comfortable, but he couldn't be.
"Stop worry, 'kay?" I asked, still half asleep, and dropped his hand to place my arm around his waist. That gave him a little more place to be on, as I turned to lay on my side.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, ignoring my words.
"I'm fine," I answered him in a mumbling voice.
"What happened?" he asked, still worried.
I was quiet for a second, trying to remember.
"There was like someone stabbed me in the head. I could barely think because of the pain," I answered him, but regretted it when I saw the flash of pain in his eyes.
I changed the subject.
"How long was I asleep?"
"A day, more or less," he answered me, shocking me. Had I been asleep for a day? Wow, that was a long time. He saw my questioning eyes.
"We gave you Sleep a few more times. We thought it was better if you slept," he explained.
"That was your idea, wasn't it?"
"Maybe," he answered me, and I knew it was his idea. But I was thankful.
"You know I love you," I said with a low voice.
"You know I love you more," he answered me matter-of-factly.
"Liar," I smiled, and he gave me a small smile back.
"How long have you been next to me?" I asked, and he shrugged.
"I don't now."
"Oh, yes you do," Doc's voice startled me. I hadn't even thought about that we wouldn't be alone.
"He's been there ever since we placed you there," he said, and I glared at Ian.
"You're back is going to hurt," I said, and Ian shrugged again.
"Fine, ignore me," I said, and Ian smirked. Tried to, at least.
"Is there a claim yet?" I asked Doc then.
"No, and it doesn't seem like there will be one. I think I can insert you now, if you're ready."
"I am, but we should still wait. At least until tomorrow," I answered him.
"Of course, Wanda."
"What happen while I was asleep?"
"Nothing important. Everyone knows there is a body down here, and since there were so many questions they know it belongs to you. But they don't know why. That's for you to explain."
"Doc, I think there would actually be easier if you told those who want to know. Could you do that?"
"Yes, I can."
"Thank you, Doc."
"No problem," he just answered, and then there was silence again.
Ian's eyes were boring into mine.
"Are you sure you're…-"
"I'm fine," I interrupted him, knowing what his question would be.
He searched my eyes for a long time, and seemed to settle for my answer. He leaned his forehead against mine, and I knew what he was about to do. I raised my hand and placed a finger on his lips.
"I told you, no kissing," I reminded me, and he sighed.
"That won't last for long," he answered me, and I chuckled.
"You'll see."
I took a deep breath, and shot a glance at Ian.
He was standing right beside the cot I was sitting on.
I had just placed a No Pain on my tongue, and was ready to lie down.
Doc was ready with the medications and the scalpel, and all that was left was for me to lie down.
I was nervous for some stupid reason, even though I had done this nine times before.
This would be my tenth time, and I would start my eleventh life.
I had asked no one to be in here. Just Ian and Doc. That was enough.
They could be here when I woke up, but I wanted to be alone for this.
This was a goodbye to the body I had lived in for a year now, and no one needed to be here when the body actually died. I didn't want Ian there either, but at the same time I wanted him by my side.
And he wouldn't leave it even if I asked him to.
"Wanda?" Doc asked, and I looked at him for a short second.
"I just need to do something first," I said, and got up. I stood face to face with Ian, and his hands rested on the small of my back.
I got up on my toes, and pulled down his face with the help of my hands on his neck.
It would be so much easier to kiss him when I didn't have to stand on my toes every time.
Our lips gently brushed against each other, and then I got down from my toes, standing normal.
"See, I told you that you wouldn't be able to resist me," he chuckled, and I shoved him.
"Shh," I said, and sat down on the cot again. I laid down on my stomach, and then Doc sprayed Sleep on my face so that I could breathe it in.
Only seconds later I was asleep.
The memories that came were what I already knew – it was from when we took this body.
I knew what happened, but all the same it was horrible.
What she felt in that second was horrible.
But before that she remembered seeing Ian, and I was angry. She thought he was good looking and wanted to make a move.
C'mon, this is my body now, I told myself. I shouldn't care what she thought.
It helped, but the anger didn't fully disappear. I tried to calm myself and focus.
I could feel that I had more muscles in this body, which made me glad. I would be able to do things I hadn't in my former body. Good.
I liked the feel of it. Even though I was so used to the small me, this felt good. Right.
I could get used to this quickly.
I could feel that my hand was being held. Ian, I recognized. But not at first.
His hand was not as big as it had been before. I remembered once when it had felt just like this.
When I was in Mel's body his hand had felt like this against mine. Only it felt so much better now.
I searched for my new age. Twenty-two.
That was good, and I wouldn't have to lie again.
I also noticed that my brain worked fast, and I knew a lot of things. I was smart.
Then I searched for my eyes. It took a few seconds before I found them, but when I did they were easy to open. Ian's hand squeezed mine tighter.
It was pretty dark in the room. I tried to remember when the insertion had been.
It had been right before twilight, so it should be dark. For a brief moment I wondered how long it had been…
Then I turned my head and found Ian sitting beside the cot I was lying on.
Even in the dark I could see his blue eyes.
"Hey," I said and found out my voice was only a whisper for now.
"Hey," he answered just as quietly.
I tried to get up, and Ian helped me. I threw my legs over the side of the cot, and Ian placed himself in between them. I placed my arms around his waist, locking them behind his back. He rested his on the small of my back.
"How are you?" he asked, and I didn't have to think.
"A little confused, but other then that I feel like myself," I said.
"Good." I wondered if maybe he was confused. I would understand if he was.
He had lived with me in another body for a year, and of course he should be confused.
I was confused, but I still felt like myself. The love I held for Ian hadn't changed with my changed body.
"I love you," I said. I felt like I had to say it. I saw a smile playing on his lips.
"Love you too," he answered and then his lips came down on mine.
That's when I realized he wasn't confused. Because if he were, he wouldn't have kissed me like this.
The kiss felt just like any other kiss we had shared, if not better. It was more force in this one.
When our lips broke apart I remembered someone should be here.
"Where is everyone?"
"Asleep. It's almost midnight," he answered, and I placed another kiss on his lips.
"And Doc?" I asked, but heard the familiar sound of his soft snoring from behind me.
"He fell asleep an hour ago," Ian answered me.
"Why aren't you asleep?"
"I'm not tired."
"Me neither," I said, and leaned my head against his chest.
"Since neither one of us is tired, how about we celebrate now instead?" he asked, and I had to smile.
"Why not?" I said, and met Ian's lips again. He easily lifted me into his arms, and started to walk.
I leaned my head against his shoulder and felt his even pace as he walked to our room.
We were quiet, not wanting to wake anyone up, and Ian placed me on the floor outside our room so that he could open the door. I walked inside, and he closed the door beside the both of us.
He turned and faced me, and cupped my face with both of his hands.
"I love you so much, Wanda," he said, and I smiled as I looked into his eyes.
I locked my arms around his neck, and played with his hair a little bit.
"I love you more," I said.
"Liar," he answered me, and then our lips met again.
He led us to the bed, and the kiss continued to deepen.
As long as he kissed me like this, I knew I would be just fine in this body.