Disclaimer: I don't own them. Or the FRIENDS storylines. Except that this isn't FRIENDS, I just wanted to write that for old time's sake.
Notes: Another "The One With…" not connected to the story per se (well it sorta is but anyone can read this). THANKS to California-Italian for coming up with at least half of these. This is all fun. Pairings are Mac/Stella, FA, DL, and Hawkes/OC. Oh and the recurring jokes are that Mac and Kelly (my OC) are together and so are Danny and Flack. This takes place a few years in the future. Like always, enjoy.
The One With the List
The eight of them sat around a table at Sullivan's. Knowing the owner, they got the other room. It was the best room. They sat with a dry erase marker and too much wall space to count. They had come up with the idea of the list of things they wouldn't do as a team bonding sort of thing (they had been ripped apart by a scandal in the ranks). Plus, dry erase was obviously erasable. If not, they'd paint over it, and the owners wanted to repaint this room too. This was sort of the team's room anyway. No one else went in there which was good for the team.
So the eight friends sat in the room. At this point of the night, the only thing keeping them together was a marker and a list of rules.
Mac looked around. "Okay, who's first?" To everyone's surprise, Lindsay took the marker and the stool. She stood on top and wrote:
1. I will no longer bring up Danny's cheating on me to him every chance I get. He has paid his dues. Also I will not accuse Danny's best friend (Flack) of being 'the other… man'.
Everyone with the exception of Flack and Danny burst out laughing. Kelly took the marker next. She scribed (in her best handwriting):
2. I will not hit on/flirt with my boss. He is a figure of authority not a sexual toy. It is not right to do that to him… even if he loves it (secretly).
"And I know what you guys think," she started. "How can I be this funny? You think I'm just another pretty face who got where I am today by sleeping with Mac."
She sat down, proud of herself. Mac refrained from rolling his eyes. Stella laughed hardest at that. Danny grinned as he took the marker.
3. I will not complain about my pay even though it is bad. At least, it's not as bad as Kelly's.
Said person glared at him even though she knew it was true. She was the worst CSI there. Mac grinned.
"I think we all know that that's true, Higgins," he told her.
"I know, and it sucks."
"Gimme the marker," Flack took it from Danny and stood up.
4. I will not tell everyone about how Mac and Kelly kissed. They do not like it, and it is disrespectful. Even if it was hot.
He felt something hit the back of his head. "Oww!" He looked to see Kelly smile. Down at his feet was a coaster. "You know the Bible says that he who is without sin cast the first stone."
"It slipped." She laughed. "And since when have you been religious?"
"I was raised that way," he mumbled. "Who's next?"
Stella had nothing and neither did Mac. Jess stood up.
5. I will not push Danny into Flack and video tape them catching each other to post on Youtube. Even though that video and the video of them making out got about six million views.
Everyone who had seen those videos laughed hard. Lindsay spat out a little bit of her drink she was laughing so hard. Flack and Danny pouted. The latter stood up to do another rule.
6. I will not post that wonderful video of Mac and Kelly kissing on Youtube even though all is fair in love and war.
"That was so uncalled for!" Kelly simmered.
"Hey, you posted that video of Flack and me on Youtube. It was only fair," Danny laughed maniacally.
She rolled her eyes. Jess went to her defense. "Yeah, at least she wasn't drunk when she kissed him."
"Thanks, Jess, I feel so much better." Kelly rolled her eyes.
"Well, at least you didn't kiss Danny, Kelly." She did have a good point. Lindsay gave her a look.
Stella mediated this. "Okay, I think there were all mistakes made."
"At least my mistake didn't get six million views on Youtube," Kelly mumbled. The only answer to this argument was for someone to put another rule up. Mac had decided long ago that staying out of this would be the best option because once everyone got started, there was no stopping them. Flack stood up again.
7. I will not tackle my girlfriend behind a snow hill just to make out.
Everyone laughed because they knew exactly when he was talking about. They were clearing the street for a wedding. Mac and Stella's actually. Everyone looked at Kelly to put up the next one.
"Fine," she consented.
8. I will not tell said couple to get a room while they are making out, nor will I throw snowballs at them.
"Thanks by the way for that," Jess muttered bitterly.
She countered, "We had a job to do."
Mac had the perfect response for this. "Great job by the way."
"Oh, sarcasm, Mac. That's hot," Kelly grinned. They (Flack, Danny, Lindsay, Hawkes, Jess, and herself) had successfully recovered the snowy street from an intense snowball fight.
Mac glared at her. "You had one job."
"Hey, you're looking at your worst worker."
He sighed. "It's getting late and I have court tomorrow morning."
"Okay, so you make us do this, and now you're going to bail?" Kelly and Danny looked at each other in mock outrage. They were enjoying this.
"Yes," Mac told them. He took his coat and said his good-byes. Everyone knew he wasn't going to sleep. He would be up all night going over that case again and again. Flack took the marker again.
9. I will not pretend like I didn't see Kelly and Mac give each other a time and place to meet under the table.
Flack turned around with a smile. "No coaster?"
"No, but I'll kill you. I'm married, don't you know?"
"Yeah, like that's ever stopped anyone." She made an obscene hand gesture to him at that comment.
She glared. "Give me the marker, Donald." He handed it to her, smiling.
10. I will not ask Flack how Danny is in bed. I will refrain from asking Danny the same thing about Flack. Even though we all know that they know from firsthand experience.
Danny simmered. He grabbed the marker and moved the stool (they no longer needed it to stand on).
11. I will not switch Stella's, Lindsay's, Jess', or Kelly's birth control pills with Advil just to make them mad.
That was not the smartest move. He had four women mad with him now.
"You know that birth control isn't just to do the obvious and control birth," Lindsay rolled her eyes.
"Well-"
Jess interrupted. "Be quiet. Just don't talk."
Lindsay stood up and took the marker. "That reminds me…"
12. I will not fill the guys' desks with tampons even if they are being idiots. Also I will not do that to Danny, even if he does sometimes borrow my razor.
Stella made a face. "That's disgusting, Danny."
Hawkes shook his head. "Do you know how unhealthy that is? Sharing a razor can lead to shared pathogens. I'll just stop there." Danny shrugged and took the marker.
13. I will not use the tampons given to me to stop nosebleeds. They are very good for that but are women's products and should remain as such.
14. I will not play strip poker in the lab.
He put the marker back on the table and sat down thoroughly satisfied with himself. Everyone was disgusted by the first one. Hawkes got to the second first as he read fastest. He smiled at the memory of the blackout. Danny kept begging to play strip poker. After reading the second one, Stella stood up to leave.
"Well, it's getting late. You kids have fun," she put her jacket on. She got a chorus of 'night' as she walked out. Kelly grabbed the marker from Danny.
15. Nor will I invite Mac to participate in said strip poker game.
Hawkes gave her a look. "I'm worried." She rolled her eyes.
"Oh that reminds me."
16. I will not purposely give Flack, Danny, and/or Hawkes bad cards just to watch them strip.
Danny looked puzzled. "Have we ever actually played strip poker as a group?"
Jess rolled her eyes. "We would if you had your way. You're such a pig." He grinned triumphantly. He grabbed the marker.
17. I will not hang around the locker room to watch my coworkers change. Nor will I spy when they shower.
"You are such a pervert!" Lindsay exclaimed a little too loudly.
"I am not a pervert!"
Kelly chimed in. "That's like the pervert pledge. They recite 'I am not a pervert!'. Then they stick their hands down their pants."
Jess grabbed the marker next.
18. I will not have sex with my coworker in reconstruction. I will also refrain from pushing them into an empty interrogation room to have more sex with them.
She smirked. Danny called out something about how he knew this all along. Kelly choked on her coke. She did not expect that out of Jess. Flack turned red. Lindsay and Hawkes chuckled. Sheldon took the marker and went up to the wall.
19. My peers are intellectual and are to be treated with respect (even if I am WAY smarter than them).
Hawkes took a bow. Everyone knew that he was smarter than them, but just the way he went up and wrote this was funny. Mainly because this was all making fun of things done in the past. Everyone clapped after he bowed.
Danny took the marker from Hawkes' hand and ambled up to the wall.
20. I will not talk about my sexual experiences even if I know that everyone wants to know about them in explicit detail.
"Finally!" Kelly said. She had unfortunately been the person that Danny and Flack would confide things in. But no more.
Flack laughed. "Don't expect too much. Danny'll have drunk twice his weight tomorrow and won't remember a thing." He took a swig of his beer.
Danny pouted. "Thanks, man." He tossed the marker to Kelly.
21. I will not blast my music just to drown out my boss' voice.
Hawkes side. "Of course you do. It doesn't surprise me at all."
Kelly smiled. "Well, he tends to get mad at me most of the time so the music is a safety measure."
"My turn!" Danny got up with a swagger. Everyone groaned. Who knew what he'd write.
22. I will not feel up any coworker or mentally undress them even with their permission.
"You are such a pig!" Jess told him again. Danny shrugged.
"I'm a guy." He handed the marker to Lindsay. She thought for a minute. She was not as funny as the others so she finally went up.
23. I will not be rude to my coworkers even if they do deserve it.
Danny smirked. It wasn't the best one they'd heard all night, but it was okay. She rolled her eyes and handed the marker to Flack.
24. I will not convince my coworker that a drinking contest is best before both of us have court.
Flack looked at Kelly and Danny and thought 'oh yeah!'.
Danny stood up and took a bow. "I so won that."
"I think it was a tie," Kelly told him. Flack and Danny were constantly arguing over who won.
Flack shook his head. "If you say I won, I'll give you the marker."
"Fine, you're the best," Kelly rolled her eyes and thought for a second. "I hope you're proud that you're a better drinker than Danny. It doesn't take much."
25. I will not make comments about Mac and Cheese or Mac owning a Mac even though it is hilarious.
She sat down. "Did you know that there used to be a show called Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.?"
"No, what happened to it?" Danny asked.
"Fell apart." She tossed him the marker. He stood up with a huge grin plastered on his face.
26. I will not goof off during work (yeah right).
Everyone laughed at this one. Who doesn't goof off at work? Well, Mac obviously. But did he really count?
Danny thought for a moment before he realized that he forgot one.
27. I will not turn the break room table into a ping pong table when Mac's not around (anymore).
Sitting down, he laughed to himself. The ping pong tournament of 2011 was one of the fondest memories in the lab. The best part was when Mac walked in on the championship game and just walked out. He had not wanted to deal with it. There was much celebration by Adam when he took home the prize (the honor of winning).
Danny handed off the marker to Kelly with some football sound effects. She rolled her eyes.
28. I will not play dark and morbid songs in the tech lab just to get them stuck in Mac's head.
She grinned. It wasn't the best. She threw the marker to Flack.
29. I will not have a water gun fight in the lab and I will not dump water over any woman in the lab because the lab is a place of business, not a wet t-shirt contest.
"Great, we work with a bunch of pigs," Lindsay muttered.
Flack shrugged as Danny had. "I didn't cheat on you. Of course, I never dated you." Kelly got the marker again.
30. I will not come to work with a hangover and the excuse that Danny and Flack forced it upon me.
Danny laughed. "That was classic. Now I know why you don't drink. You say a lot when you're drunk." He and Flack laughed.
"Flack, I don't know what you're laughing about. You were just as wasted as I was," she crossed her arms.
Hawkes rolled his eyes. "Well, this is fun, but it's nearly one and I have an early shift." He kissed the top of Kelly's head and went off. She felt bad about not being with him, but she didn't work till later and she hadn't spent a night with friends in a while.
She handed the marker to Lindsay.
31. Adam's cheeks aren't pinchable, and I will not test that out.
32. Adam's baby fat is not cute nor is a cijan pepper and green tea diet delicious.
After reading those two, everyone was in fits remembering that diet. Especially after Kendall ate all that chocolate in front of him.
"That was the best," Lindsay giggled. "I remember watching that. Mac was so oblivious."
"When isn't he?" Kelly high fived Danny. Lindsay shook her head at them.
"If you think that's so funny, why don't you go?" She threw the marker at Kelly.
33. I will not put laxatives in Don's food because he stole my lunch five days in a row.
34. Nor will I not warn Jess when I do not do said dosing.
"Yeah, that was fun," she smiled at Flack, whose stomach was churning at the memory of that. He rolled his eyes and stole the marker.
"I work with inferiors," he mumbled.
35. I will not start a fight in the break room even if my coworkers are annoying.
He sat down and smiled at the battle of the sexes that happened in the homicide break room. Such fun memories. He didn't even notice Danny take the marker so he could write another rule.
36. I will not blow in my coworker's ear when they're asleep.
Lindsay rubbed her ear thinking about the memory. She fell asleep at the microscope and Danny came up and blew in her ear. Blew! It was disgusting.
Danny smiled at Lindsay and handed Kelly the marker because she looked like she was about to wet her pants in anticipation of writing this one.
37. I will not stalk Mac and call him at 3:33 every day just for kicks. Nor will I start a pool in the lab of when he gets his next stalker.
"That's mean," Lindsay was flabbergasted.
"It's not like I would actually do that. Also, Mac's not here. You don't have to come to his defense, which reminds me…" She went back up to the wall to write:
38. I will not lick my coworker's ear or feel up my boss during a sexual harassment seminar.
Jess and Danny laughed at this. Flack rubbed his ear. It was so random when she licked his ear. But that was the point. To shock him into annoying the instructor. He took the marker from Kelly as he glared at her.
39. I will not take my frustration on a poor defenseless vending machine (unless he starts it).
"Truth!" He was visibly showing signs of drinking as he shakily held up his hand in a fist. Jess rolled her eyes and wrote:
40. I will not slap my coworkers… especially on the butt (that includes Flack, Danny!!)
"That's harsh, Jess." He stole her marker.
41. I will not check my coworker out while they stretch.
Everyone was starting to get sluggish and slightly disgusted as these were things people had done. Who had Danny checked out?
Kelly took the marker to keep people from thinking too hard.
42. I will not switch someone's flavored water with prune juice just for the heck of it.
She couldn't stop giggling at this one. Danny and Flack smiled at the memory. It was part of the prank wars of 2010. Mac was not happy when he found out what was going on in his lab. But it was so worth that lecture.
Danny went up to write the next two.
43. I will not switch my coworker's food with dog food just to watch them hurl.
44. I will not disassemble my coworker's desk just to watch it fall when they set a coffee mug on it.
Kelly and Flack looked at each other. It was Danny? They had had no idea. They had thought it was each other and gotten into more pranks. It was not pretty.
Kelly snatched the marker from Danny as she head slapped him to write a series of three rules.
45. I will not use the condoms in Danny's or Don's locker to make water (or any other substance) balloons.
46. I will not cut tiny holes in Danny's or Don's condoms just to watch them freak out.
47. I will not fill said people's shoes with lubricant just to get the point across that I don't want to hear about their sexual experiences.
"I really don't want to know about them," she handed Jess the marker as she sat down. Jess and Lindsay looked at each other.
"What do they tell you?" they managed to ask at the same time. Kelly shuddered.
"You don't want to know!"
"I believe ya," Jess stood up and walked over to the wall.
48. I will not bring up memories of bad haircuts just because Flack looks funny when his face turns red.
She giggled (from the rule and from the influence of alcohol) as she sat down. It was going to be interesting when everyone read this when they were completely sober. She saw Lindsay take another drink and wondered absentmindedly what it took to get that Montana girl drunk.
She didn't see who took the marker, but she assumed it was Kelly by what was written.
49. I will not kiss my coworker or boss at the lab. Even if it's fun to see their reaction. In Mac's case, it'll only end with a suspension.
Everyone laughed. It was true. It's always fun to test coworkers and see if they break. Or just annoy them for the heck of it.
Flack took the marker next and gave it to Danny.
50. I will not write rumors about my coworkers' love lives on a bathroom stall.
"I was bored so I wrote some rumors. That was fun to watch go around the lab."
Flack raised an eyebrow. "Dude, you have good handwriting."
"Thank you," Danny grinned. Lindsay rolled her eyes and took the marker from him before he could do any more damage.
51. I will not have Adam photoshop Flack and Danny in a compromising position and sent it around the entire department.
Danny pouted for the countless time that night. "That's cold, Linds."
"That is," Flack echoed. He took the marker next. Fortunately for them, it was new and wasn't running out of ink.
"Well, Danny, you cheated on me."
"I thought you weren't going to mention that anymore!"
She grinned. "It slipped." The two of them turned to see what Flack wrote.
52. I will not stalk my coworkers while they are on a date, take pictures, and also send those around the department.
"Who?" Angell asked with an eyebrow raised like his. Flack shrugged and gave the marker to Kelly. No one was protesting the three of them doing most of the writing so they kept it up.
53. I will not lock Danny and Flack in a closet to see if they will do each other.
Kelly shrugged. "It'd be funny." She tossed the marker to Jessica before anyone could say anything else.
54. I will not accuse Flack and Danny of being bisexual (even if we all know the truth).
She shook her head. "I can't deny the truth." The girls all laughed hysterically. Lindsay took the marker and did two.
55. I will not strangle Flack with one of his ties.
56. I will not destroy or hide Flack's ties. (I'll get Jess to do it).
"The ties are sooo bad!" she said after a minute or so of silence. Flack pouted while everyone else laughed. Only Jess was allowed to make fun of his ties. He watched angrily as Lindsay tossed Kelly the marker.
57. I will not sleep on the couch in Mac's office then make some sexual comment about how it's broken in.
Kelly just smiled and gave Danny the marker.
He mumbled, "Only 'cause you helped break it in." She glared.
Don stopped pouting long enough to ask, "Would you like some ice with that burn?" Kelly head slapped him. Hard.
58. I will not squirt Elmer's glue on someone's clothes and then loudly point it out.
"Hey, Don, remember when I did that to you?" he laughed. Flack kept pouting. Danny didn't just do that to any shirt. He did it to his favorite shirt. The one that he loved wearing because it made his eyes look prettier. That's what Jess told him anyway.
Kelly chuckled and stole the marker. Payback.
59. I will not stand out in the cold for a really long time so one of the guys can hold me tight to warm me up (that stands for you too, Danny and Flack!!).
She smiled and said, "The truth hurts doesn't it, Danny?" He glared in return and took the marker.
60. I will not crash my friend's place when he brings a girl home. Nor will I come into his place when he's doing stuff just to steal food. While I am there, I will not ruin the mood by throwing food at said couple. Also I will refrain from telling them that they're doing it wrong, and I will not tell them explicitly how to do it correctly.
"Well, it was the only one I could think of," Danny explained as to why he wasn't insulting Kelly with one. She took the opportunity to write:
61. I will not deliberately place mistletoe above a doorway just to see Flack and Danny make out.
"Good times. Good times," she smiled at that Christmas party. Jess grinned. Youtube was such a great place to put embarrassing videos. She took the marker to write rules on another fond memory of Flack's.
62. I will not replace pesto sauce with moldy bread just to see the pretty lights of an ambulance.
63. I will not flirt with the EMTs who are trying to save said coworker.
64. I will also refrain from flirting with said coworker who is trying to be saved.
Basically, Flack had been eating (when doesn't he?) and had eaten some bread that was both moldy and he was allergic to it. He was rushed to the hospital, with Angell at his side. She had done some major flirting, but he is alive to tell the story (not that he would want to) today.
Kelly, in a fit of laughter, snatched the marker to write:
65. I will not ask Danny and Flack if they have been taped doing it. If they have, I will not ask to see it.
"That's a lie," she laughed so hard she was crying. "I would watch that tape at least ten times that day."
Flack scowled and took the marker for his turn.
66. I will not ask to see Mac and Kelly's either.
Kelly head slapped him again. Of all the lies he could write, he did that one. Lindsay took the marker to spare her embarrassment.
67. I will not ask Jess if Flack's eyes really turn stormy blue while making physical pursuits.
"Do they, Jess? Or is that a myth like Hercules and Zeus?" Lindsay chuckled.
Jess stayed quiet and simmered. Flack turned as red as a cardinal. Kelly stole back the marker.
68. I will not see if I can turn Flack on (that's Danny's job.).
"Just to further the embarrassment," she smiled devilishly. Danny took the marker.
"I want to keep the merriment going." He once again ambled up to the wall. It was getting harder as the night went on.
69. I will not make a comment about handcuffs when Flack and Angell are around.
When Danny sat down, everyone (now pretty much drunk) started laughing about that one being number 69 of all numbers. Plus, it was just funny anyway. Lindsay, laughing hysterically, took the marker next.
70. I will not make fun of Danny's kissing because if Flack can tolerate it so can I.
Lindsay grinned as Flack once again said, "Do you want some ice with that burn?" Danny rolled his eyes.
"The nineties called. They want that joke back," he told him as he stole the marker for the final time that night. Jess had nodded off and the others were just about to.
71. I will not trip Flack just to prove that tall people falling is funnier than a normal person falling.
Danny and Kelly were the only ones laughing. He handed her the marker as he went to sleep.
72. I will not hug my male coworkers just to feel their butt.
"And you say I'm a pig!" Danny woke up just for that.
Kelly gave a small shrug. "I'm Kelly. I'm disgusting. I feel up my coworkers when I hug them." She rolled her eyes. "Oh!! That reminds me!!" She went up to the wall again.
73. I will not say that I had an affair with my boss. It is a stupid idea, and it will not get Danny and Flack off my back.
Danny and Flack sleepily high fived each other. The enjoyed teasing her about that.
"I still believe that you did," Flack smiled. She made another obscene hand gesture as Lindsay took the marker from her other hand. She thought for a good minute or two before she thought up a good one.
74. I will not tell Danny that his mother called and asked if he was wearing a clean pair of you-know-whats. Even if she did. And I will especially not say this loudly.
She giggled as she sat down. Everyone looked at Danny.
Flack snorted. "Does she really call to ask that?" Danny looked down to avoid all eye contact with everyone. That was low on Lindsay's part.
Jessica took the marker. It was late and everyone was tired. She had to think for about ten minutes before she remembered something.
75. I will not videotape Flack after he gets his wisdom teeth out later this month. It is sick, wrong, and TOTALLY going up on Youtube.
Flack glared. "You better not!" She shrugged and grinned devilishly. After a minute or so, she handed the marker to Lindsay.
Lindsay was having trouble coming up with another one and finally presented Danny with the marker. He groaned because he too had trouble coming up with things. He gave Kelly the Expo marker. She too could not come up with anything. She finally sighed.
"That's all," Kelly looked to see most of her friends asleep. Looking at her watch, she saw that it was nearly three in the morning. Pulling all nighters was hard. Before she joined them asleep at the table, she wrote:
The 75 Things I Will Never Do
A/N: How'd you like it? Was it funny? What were your favorites? I don't even think I had a favorite. Wait, #57 was my favorite just because of the comments after it. Actually, I loved them all. I know it was long, but you should see the text conversation. Please review and tell me what you think. Have a great day XD