The Bikini Atoll Homicides Case File: Case No. 1330666
My name is Phil P. Phish, and I am the head criminal investigator at Bikini Bottom PD. Now, lemme tell ya, I've seen a lot of fucked up cases in my day; I suppose it all comes from being in a big city like this. I've seen parents murdered by their own children because they wouldn't give them their allowance. I've seen the burnt bodies of innocent children because some pyro asshole had a fetish for burning kids. Now, that is the definition of fucked up.
But the one that makes my skin crawl, the case that makes me shiver in the night, happened a few years ago. The official case dubbing is "The Bikini Atoll Homicides". Me, I just call it like it was: The case when one lunatic squid killed half of Bikini Bottom's most beloved citizens, just so he could score a one night stand with a fuckin' whale.
The case file has recently been removed from confidentiality, and I have been placed with the responsibility of telling the people what really happened. I will chronicle these events exactly as they occurred out of respect for the dead. Nothing will be censored, so I warn you now: if you are faint of heart, stop reading and keep living your delusion that you're safe. But to anyone that is still reading, I believe that you deserve to know what really goes on in your city.
April 20th, 2009: 08:00 Hours
Squidward P. Tentacles awoke to his normal routine, as far as we investigators know. Witnesses say that nothing was out of the ordinary, and Squidward seemed to be going about his normal business. 8:00 AM was usually when Squidward rose in the morning to go to work at the Krusty Krab.
He arrived at the Krusty Krab at approximately forty-five minutes later, opening the Krusty Krab and prepping the kitchen and cash register. His coworker, a victim, SpongeBob Squarepants, arrived at 9:00 AM. The manager, Mr. Krabs arrived unusually late at 9:30 AM. Other than Mr. Krabs' tardiness, everything ran smoothly for the rest of the day, and they closed on-time at 10:00 PM, an outstandingly long day for the Krusty Krab's employees.
Squidward and SpongeBob were seen returning to their homes together that night. It has been noted that Squidward was particularly hostile to SpongeBob that evening, but hostility wasn't out of the ordinary for Mr. Tentacles.
April 27st, 2009: 22:00 Hours
Everything was normal that week until this sunny Sunday rolled along. Witnesses claim that they saw SpongeBob go into Squidward's easter Island head at the unusually late hour of 10:00 PM, presumably invited, as SpongeBob perhaps knew not to disturb Squidward on his Sunday evenings uninvited.
That night, based on our crime scene investigations, we can conclude with great certainty that SpongeBob was tortured, emasculated, and finally quartered and flayed. We received a confession from Squidward during our interrogation that he used SpongeBob as the filling for a Bavarian sausage. When we asked him why he did such a thing, the only answer we got from him was that he was culinarily inclined.
Squidward confessed to hiding SpongeBob's bones and organs in the floorboards of his home. He also stated that he used the flesh of Mr. Squarepants as a cleaning sponge for his dishes. Based on our investigations, we can infer that it took Mr. Tentacles up to six hours to complete the entire process of murdering Mr. Squarepants, which means that he was finished at around 4:00 AM, April 28th. It is thought that Squidward retired directly after this at around 4:15.
April 28th, 2009: 15:00 Hours
Squidward worked that day as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab. Atypically, his food was very well received. This leaves some of us to speculate that the initial motive behind the SpongeBob murder was to take his job as a fry cook and receive recognition, something he did not receive as a cashier.
It was around this time that Patrick Star, now deceased, walked into the Krusty Krab. That morning, Squidward had told Patrick that SpongeBob was ill and could not make it to work. Patrick realized that the Krusty Krab did not offer sick days, and upon trying to contact SpongeBob multiple times, he realized that something was very wrong. He was suspicious of foul play by Squidward, and wanted to ask Squidward a few questions.
Squidward managed to get Patrick to wait until after his shift was over. He invited Patrick to come over for some snacks at his Easter Island head after he was done working. Patrick warily accepted.
After his shift, Squidward invited Mr. Star to his abode, preparing the sausages that he had made out of SpongeBob's flesh for appetizers. It was shown in autopsy reports that Patrick had eaten multiple of these sausages, unaware that they were made from his best friend. The report also indicates the presence of a rape drug in his bloodstream, which means that Squidward had drugged him. Squidward confessed to using Patrick as a sex slave with the aid of the drugs. He abused Patrick for four days before finally ending him by using a nail clipper to harshly and crudely remove his aorta. Our report suggests that Patrick bled to death within the hour.
After ending Mr. Star, Squidward removed the skin from his upper body and used it as a carpet. Squidward hid the rest of his body in his instrument closet.
May 1st, 2009: 16:00 Hours
After not hearing from SpongeBob or Patrick for three days, Sandy Cheeks contacted the local authorities, explaining that she suspected sinister activities in Squidward's Easter Island Head. I dispatched two cops, officer Clam and officer Moray, to Squidward's home with the goal of asking some questions.
According to their recall of their interview, Squidward seemed very on edge. His eyes were bloodshot and he seemed to be unwashed. Squidward did not answer any of the questions and nervously shut the door on the two officers. They also, against protocol, mentioned Ms. Cheeks, jeopardizing the safety of the informant, trying to invoke a response. They returned and told me what happened, and I printed out a search warrant for Squidward's home. Little did we know that while we were printing out the warrant, Squidward was utilizing his time to manufacture a home-made IED, which he set to detonate when anyone rang the doorbell. It kills me that I unknowingly sent those two boys to their deaths, but I simply didn't know.
About an hour later, the two officers arrived to Squidward's house with the search warrant. Squidward was looking out of his second story window, waiting to see how his plan would unfold. Unlucky for the two officers, it was a definite success.
When they rang the doorbell, the door shot outward in an explosive blast. Officer Moray was blasted backwards by the door, causing severe trauma to the skull and brain. His left arm was completely severed while his legs were both only attached by a dangling nerve. It has been determined that the true cause of death was the concussion caused by the IED, effectively stopping heart function and hemorrhaging arteries of the brain. He died almost instantly.
Officer Clam was not as lucky. Shrapnel ripped into his chest and lungs, severing several arteries while the lungs filled up with blood. His spine was shattered from being blasted backwards onto a rock. He was paralyzed but could still feel all of the pain. He was alive for every minute he was suffocating in his own blood. The cause of death was a lack of oxygen to the brain; effectively, drowning.
Squidward took the bodies of the officers and placed them into the police cruiser. He poured malt liquor into the mouths of the officers and left the bottle on the dashboard. Afterwards, he drove out to a ravine near Goo Lagoon after closing time, placed one of the officer's feet on the gas, and sent the car flying over the ledge. The car was battered nearly beyond recognition and went splashing into the lagoon.
Back at the police station, we all grew suspicious of the lack of contact from the two officers. I sent six cruisers to find the boys, and later that night, we found them. At the time there was no evidence to suggest any foul play. All fingerprints were washed off by the mucky lagoon, and the blood alcohol level in each of the officers was way above normal. Complete with the bottle on the dashboard, it all pointed to a goddamn ODUI: Officers Driving Under the Influence.
By the time we were done investigating the crime scene, Squidward had cleaned up his house, discarding all evidence of his crimes and repairing his door. He was growing wary and paranoid which was making it harder for us to charge him for anything concrete.
After Squidward was done cleaning up, it was around 3:00 AM, May 2nd.
May 2nd, 2009: 03:00 Hours
Squidward remembered what the officers had said about Sandy Cheeks, now deceased. He knew he had to get rid of her, so he snuck out to her property with an ice pick. While Sandy was sleeping, Squidward punctured her bubble dome, shattering the glass and filling Sandy's home up with water. She drowned in her sleep. Squidward returned to bed as if nothing even happened.
Squidward didn't go to work that day, prompting an angry visit from his boss, Mr. Krabs, now deceased. Mr. Krabs stormed in uninvited during Squidward's lunchtime, which prompted a less than savory response. Squidward said that Mr. Krabs was asking about what he did to SpongeBob. At this, Mr. Tentacles threw a boiling pot of water at Mr. Krabs, which hit him directly in the eyes. It cooked his eyes solid, blinding him and burning most of his face. While he was incapacitated, Squidward dragged him upstairs to the bathroom, where he prepared a steaming hot tub of water for Mr. Krabs, who was tied up with hemp ropes around his wrists and ankles.
He was placed in the boiling tub still alive. It took a half hour for Mr. Krabs to be cooked to death. Afterwards, Squidward drew some butter and ate Mr. Krabs for lunch, disposing of his shell in his backyard, burying it.
May 19th, 2009: 12:00 Hours
The case was starting to grow cold. We had no evidence that placed Squidward as the murderer, and we could not explain the disappearance of Mr. Krabs, as there was nothing to go on. He seemed to have fuckin' vanished out of thin air. Squidward became a philanthropist of some sort in the short time after his murders. He seemed like a new man to everyone. He and Pearl, the wealthy daughter of the deceased Mr. Krabs, had started to date, which made Squidward a higher member of society. He ran multiple charities and helped many less fortunate citizens of Bikini Bottom. He was, effectively, untouchable by the law. The case went cold after another week.
December 14th, 2012: 13:00 Hours
The case grew hot at an unexpected moment one December afternoon, as a family recently moved into Squidward's house (obviously unaware of the goings on that took place in it). Squidward and Pearl were living in a mansion on the outskirts of Bikini Bottom as newlyweds. Squidward may have gotten away with it if it wasn't for the family's worm that started digging in the backyard of his Easter Island head. The worm discovered the rotting and festering remains of Patrick, SpongeBob, and . This was all the evidence we needed.
At 13:00 hours, a swat team led by me blasted into Squidward's home, placing him under arrest for triple homicide and resisting arrest. His charge was later escalated to quintuple homicide when he confessed to the murders of the two officers.
Pearl was questioned relentlessly, day and night. The poor girl nearly went insane; after three days, we knew that she was blissfully unaware of what her husband had done all those years ago.
During an interrogation, Squidward confessed that he only planned to murder Mr. Krabs, putting Pearl in a vulnerable situation which would make her easier to score a date with. The only reason he killed so many other people was that, as confessed by him, he enjoyed it.
He was immediately put on trial, being found guilty of all charges. He received the death penalty, and as I watched him being escorted out of the courtroom, he and I locked eyes. He looked like a demon. He looked possessed, and he looked happy, as if his suffering was finally over.
December 14th, 2013: 12:00 Hours
At high noon, in the middle of Bikini Bottom, Squidward was executed by firing squad. Before he was shot, he shouted at me "I hope you'll dream of me when you sleep ya fuckin' sausage!"
I watched as his brain popped like a zit. I watched as his eyes flew out of his skull and bounced on the ground in front of me. That monster was finally gone. He wouldn't terrorize the people of Bikini Bottom anymore.
But it just isn't the same. He took the lives of some of Bikini Bottom's finest people. Mr. Krabs may have been an egotistical, greedy, selfish little prick, but he sure knew how to make a burger.
And the truth is, I do think about Squidward when I'm asleep. He still haunts me to this day. This case changed me; I never realized that such brutality and terror can come from such a friendly place like Bikini Bottom.
But the scariest part of it all is that when I stare into the mirror, I see Squidward staring back.