Disclaimer: I don't own the Lord of the Rings.
Eve was bored out of her mind.
No Wi-Fi signal, nobody to talk to, and the Sue hadn't even bothered to show up yet.
Eve was part of the Mary Sue Destruction Agency, or MSDA for short. Her job was to kill Sues. Which would be fairly obvious, considering the name Mary Sue Destruction Agency.
Normally, Eve would be discussing the plan for the Sue with her partner Andrew, however, they were in Lord of the Rings.
Andrew brought a whole new meaning to the words "Lord of the Rings fanboy."
Normally Eve's telepathy would allow her to have fun finding out everyone's secrets("Privacy is for suckers") her friend Jack always said, but everyone here was acting so stupid that Eve was completely sure that either they were OOC, or this Tokien guy's writing skills were WAAAAAAAAYYY overrated.
First of all, there was the Barbie-Vulcan crossover guy(Andrew said his name was Legolas, but Eve thought her version was better) whose thoughts seemed to mostly center around a beautiful woman who Eve assumed was the Sue.
The idiot was currently coming up with poetry. POETRY. Usually, Eve loved poetry, but this guy was using so many clichés-And they weren't even GOOD clichés-That Eve was almost sure she might be ill.
Hair like straw spun into gold…Eyes like…wait, did he just compare her eyes to blueberries? God, this is painful. Eyes like sapphires, porcelain skin…someone kill me now.
Then there was the other guy, with brown hair, who, according to Andrew was named Aragorn, and Eve couldn't come up with a decent name for him when there were so many other people to make fun of. He seemed fairly normal, his thoughts centering around the ring in the middle of the table, some chick named Arwen, and something about a kingdom called Gondor.
The only other guy who seemed relatively normal was the one Eve had nicknamed Dumbledore(Although, according to Andrew, his name was Gandalf.) He was currently wondering why the heck Eve and Andrew were there, but the one benefit of Suefics was that one could shove their way into pretty much whatever elite group they chose and nobody really cared.
There were also the midgets, who were all thinking about food, the guy across from Andrew who looked like a conceited jerk whose thoughts were all so misogynistic that Eve had given up on reading his mind for fear she would walk across the room and punch him, probably starting some kind of war, and also alerting the author to the fact that there were MSDA agents in her fanfic.
So all she could do right now is wait for the Sue to come.
Judging by the sound of trumpets outside, it had happened.
"The Lady Jamesina-Jacquel Feather Crystal Wonder Golden Dawn!" Some random announcer shouted from the outside(Although Eve certainly didn't remember their being an announcer for anyone else.) Besides her, Andrew groaned in pain from hearing the name alone.
"Level 7.2 at the least," he grumbled to her.
"Really? My guess was Level 7.96,"
All Sues over a Level 4 were considered beyond rehabilitation and killed. The scale was from 1(Barely a Sue, could probably leave her alone) to 8(Oh, God someone tell me this author's a troll.)
This is what happens when you let the Soul Eater fangirls come up with the rating system.(The Director ruled out a scale of 1 to 42-42-564.)
And in walked a character that was so obviously a Sue.
She had long, silky, golden,(Insert other sixty paragraphs describing hair here.)hair. Opal eyes(Of course opal's not an eye color, since when were Suethors realistic?) a porcelain complexion, gown that wouldn't have looked out of place on a Disney princess, and ruby slippers.
Eve was having a very hard time deciding whether to burst out laughing or throw up.
Andrew looked like he was about to have a seizure.
Barbie-Vulcan Crossover Boy was looking at the Sue with a look of adoration on his face that was generally only seen by teenage boys staring at Selena Gomez in a bikini.
Dumbledore and Aragorn both facepalmed.
Elrond began to announce "My daughter, the Lady Jamesina-
"WE KNOW!" Eve, Andrew, Boromir, Aragorn, and Dumbledore or Gandalf or whatever he called himself all yelled.
Legolas sighed. "Even to hear the first of her names brings joy to my heart!"
Andrew began looking at his favorite dagger as if seriously considering suicide.
"And now, the Council! Frodo, bring fourth the Ring!"
"The…dialogue…completely…off…" Andrew was twitching.
Eve just shrugged it off, knowing that she had been the exact same when they were in the Hunger Games. The Sue they had fought there was not to be talked about again. Ever. We mean it.
Plus, although she'd never admit this if you ripped all her teeth out one by one, she thought it was cute that Andrew cared this much about the fandom.
Ahem. Back to the story.
Currently, everyone was yelling about who would take the ring to Mordor.
"I will take it! I will take it!" the short one was yelling.
"Everyone be quiet, Frodo has something to say!" the Lady Jamesina-Jacquel-you-get-the-point yelled in a voice that sounded like sunrise.
Here Eve started thinking to herself about how the hell a voice could sound like sunrise if sunrise didn't actually sound like anything.
"I will take the Ring to Mordor!" the short one repeated.
Yeah, yeah, you're taking the evil engagement ring to Volcano World. Get moving, people!
"But I do not know the way."
"Oh, I do!" Lady Jamesina sang. One by one, all the other people started volunteering, including Eve and Andrew, until the guy from Gondor had to open his big fat mouth.
"Women cannot go on such an adventure! They are far too delicate and weak! They shall die before we make it a mile!"
Eve responded in the polite way, by giving him the finger. She had considered going into his mind and showing him some Kawaii Sues(Which were far more terrifying then anything Middle Earth could throw at them) but Andrew's hand on her shoulder stopped her.
"Twelve companions! You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!"
Hopefully it'll be back to nine within a few days.