A/N: Hi again! I know it's been a while, but I'm back! Well, for a few moments anyway. We'll see how long my muse decides to stick around this time. "Nameless/Faceless" is one of my favorite episodes. I've seen it so many times I can nearly quote the entire episode. But for some reason, the last time I saw it this thought popped into my head and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. This is told from Rossi's point of view and takes place immediately following the final scene from the episode. This is a Hotch/Rossi friendship story. Not slash.
Spoiler Alert! Post Ep – 5x01 "Nameless/Faceless"
*Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, sadly. This story contains a few direct quotes from that ep and the credit belongs to Chris Mundy, the spectacular writer of that ep.
The Protector
"What's Jack gonna remember about me in 10 years?"
Your heart breaks a little more as you watch the solitary tear roll down the left side of his face. Seeing this man lost and scared and vulnerable is incomprehensible for you. Aaron Hotchner and vulnerable are two things that do not belong in the same sentence. Ever. And yet every vulnerability and insecurity housed beneath his steel barrier is slowly creeping its way through the cracks right to the surface. It scares you and is one of the most uncomfortable feelings imaginable. You know you have to remain strong for him now. You hope your voice doesn't betray you and reveal how weak you truly feel.
"Hotch. Look at me." You wait for the eye contact before you continue. "We'll get him."
"We'll try, but we both know that may not happen." He has to take several shaky breaths before he can vocalize the one thing that frightens him the most. "I may never see my son again."
"Aaron…"
"He's going to think I abandoned him."
You move to his side and place a firm hand on his shoulder, mindful of his injuries.
"You and I both know he would never think that. He knows how much you love him."
"He's only three years old, Dave. He can't possibly understand what's going on." And before your eyes, the cracks in his armor become crevices as the tears streamline down his face seeping into the white generic hospital pillow. "Haley and I can barely grasp what's happening. How is Jack supposed to process any of this? How is he supposed to know that I'm still here for him or how much I love him when I can't even speak to him to tell him, when I can't have any contact with him whatsoever?"
You didn't think it was possible to feel any worse after the events of the past few days, but dear God, you do. As you watch your best friend crumble piece by piece, you've never felt so useless in your life. Aaron screws his eyes shut tightly, and swallows the sobs that threaten to escape through his clamped jaws. You want so badly to take some of his pain, help reduce the weight bearing down on him, but you know you can't. The only thing you can do is offer a promise and pray to God and all the angels and saints in Heaven that you will never have to break it.
"Aaron, I swear to you, if it takes me to my grave, we are going to find that son of a bitch. We will find him. We will bring him to justice. And you will see your son again. Nothing on this Earth is going to stop us. Nothing. You have to believe that."
His voice is tight when he finally replies. "I'm trying."
When the doctor comes in to check Aaron and redress the bandages covering his torso and arms, you excuse yourself to go check on Reid. In truth, you don't want to see the damage that monster has inflicted on your friend. You feel a bit like a coward, but right now it's all a little too much and you need to step away for a moment. It's the only way you're going to keep yourself from breaking down. And you can't break down right now. Especially not in front of Aaron. You can break down later, at home, behind closed doors. Right now, Aaron needs your strength and you have to be able to give that to him.
When he asks, "You're coming back, right?" it shakes you a little. It's completely against his character to as such a question or to sound at all needy or vulnerable. But when you look into his eyes you see fear and you realize that the events of last night and this afternoon are catching up with him and he needs something solid around him to stop his world from spinning out of control. You assure him you'll be back in half an hour, and as promised, you are.
He looks a little pale, but that's not surprising. Cleaning and redressing his wounds has been a painful process, but the doctor assures you that everything is normal. He's given Aaron something to help him sleep as well as more pain medication. His eyes are already trying to close, but he's fighting against sleep. You sit in the chair next to his bed, but neither of you speak for several minutes. Surprisingly, it's Aaron who breaks the silence.
"Dave?"
"Yeah?"
His eyes are closed as he starts to drift off. But his last statement before he falls asleep is a testament to how deeply this day has affected him. He says it so softly, but it speaks volumes.
"I'm scared."
"I know," you whisper. "So am I." You squeeze his shoulder again to reassure him. "But we'll get through this. You're not alone, Aaron. I'm not going anywhere."
He finally drifts off and you watch him sleep, standing guard through the night, refusing to sleep yourself in case he needs you. You know his sleep is restful only because of the painkillers and sleep aids coursing through his IV. For those few brief moments he is at peace. Gone are the taut lines of stress and worry that continually attempt to consume his face during his waking hours. Gone are the fear and the pain, replaced by a calm, vulnerable serenity.
A nurse comes in during the night to check on him. While she checks his vitals, his IV, and the monitors, he doesn't stir at all. You know that's a good sign. Rest is exactly what he needs to heal. You know that tomorrow will be a rough day, once everything sinks in and Aaron has to face a new day – a new life - filled with insurmountable uncertainty. How you're going to help him through this, you have no idea.
"Can I get you anything, Agent Rossi? A pillow or blanket?"
You give the young nurse a smile and shake your head, but your eyes never leave Aaron. "No, thank you. I won't be sleeping tonight."
She offers a thoughtful nod and for some reason, you keep talking.
"He's like a son to me." You scrub your hands over your exhausted face. "It scares me to think of how much worse this could have been. I guess I just need to see for myself that he really is okay."
"Physically, he's very strong, but I'm sure you already know that. He came through the surgery with flying colors and, barring any infection, he should be released in a few days. But from what I understand, he's dealing with a lot more than physical injury. He'll need all the support he can get. From what I saw this afternoon, he has an extremely strong support system in you and your team. That support will be vital to his recovery. He's going to need all of you."
"He has us. There's no question about that. Whether or not he'll let us in is another story, but we'll be there regardless."
She nods understandingly. "Well, he should sleep through the night. He's on some pretty powerful painkillers. If you need anything, use his call button to buzz me. I'll be back in a few hours to check on him."
"Thank you."
As she leaves the room, you continue to watch Aaron sleep. And you come to some realizations. There is nothing in the world that you wouldn't do for this man, whom you care for as if he were your own. There is nothing you wouldn't do to keep him safe. You will never stop searching for George Foyet. You will see Aaron reunited with his son. As you told him, even if it takes you to your grave, you'll see them together again. It's in these moments that you know you would protect this man with your life. Always.
The End
A/N 2: Just a reminder... The second annual CM Fanfic Awards are up and running! The final voting ballot is now available at the Chit Chat On Author's Corner Forum. All you need is a account to vote. There are some great stories nominated this year, so happy reading and happy voting! I'd like to take this opportunity to thank those of you who submitted my work for nomination. I have two stories nominated this year! Yay! Thanks again!
~Thn