Guardian Angel

by hitokiri midori

Wonder what Nuriko was thinking in the last few moments before he died? *big spoilers* Pretty sad, meant for those who've seen episode 33

Guardian Angel

Nuriko's death from Nuriko's point of view

By Midori ^^;

Hi there! Let's see… any warnings? Well there should be nothing in this fic higher than G, if you find something ['cause I'm lazy] that needs to be fixed, then I'll up the rating… ^^; Anyway, this is a big SPOILER fic, since it does… uhh… talk about Nuriko's death. ;_; It's also him pondering about his love towards all of the Seishi, how strong his friendship is, etc. etc. This was meant to be a vent after I went into total sadness after watching episode 33… I hope this comes out as what Nuriko felt while sitting there in the snow in a puddle of his own blood. What he thought… anyway, this is just what I thought he thought, so… uhh… don't flame, please? At the end of it, I'll just be repeating this rant in different words so just skim through it or something. ^^

Disclaimer: The super-great never-dying Nuriko and all the FY gang [FY gang? Who uses "gang' anymore? ^^;] belongs to Watase Yuu-sensei, Shogankun, Studio Pierrot, Flower Comics, etc. etc. All those big-time companies. No suing, kudasai; that will do nothing since Midori is broke. ^^; But Midori owns this fic, at least.

I'm leaving to a new place

To fly with my new wings

To soar above them all

To be, of them, the king

But fly me while my wings are young

And while my heart has not yet grown

For as soon as my emotions are flung

Across the dark night sky

Because I have realized my

True love's love is gone...

Fly me far while my wings are young

While my heart is still a child's

Fly me while my heart is not

Immersed with darkness

From the sky of night

And save me from the twilight

That seems to bleed across the morn

Save me from the hell that wakes

To every glimmer of the sun

Fly me while my wings are young

While my heart is still untouched...

New wings...

I'll be your guardian… angel.

You can't call me crazy after meeting Miaka. I know to you, it sounds like I'm crazy, that I was just plain foolish. Maybe it was, but I don't think I made a mistake, even now. If I had lived through it, I wouldn't have regretted it for a bit, even if I had been paralyzed or horribly disfigured or anything. When I went up that mountain, I was staring my death straight in the eye. I didn't waver, I just continued onwards. Maybe I was blinded by my growing love for all of them, but if that were the case, then I'd gladly be blind and love them all.

Some people think I almost sensed my death, and that's what caused my change in attitude. I didn't sense my death, I sensed the opposite; I sensed my life. I had spent the last few months with these seven… with these seven seishi of Suzaku, and their dear Priestess. During those months, I felt warmth I hadn't felt in a long time, and it was love. It was love for these seven people that I soon held closest to my heart.

After the incident with Kourin, I lost it. I wasn't overwhelmed with anger, though, I was overwhelmed with sadness. A sadness that gave me invisible scars, and I began to transform into my sister. She was me, and I was her. She would never, ever be apart from me… never. She would always stay with me. She would stay with me for an eternity. I knew all along that she was with me, guarding me, giving me strength with her bright smile. It gave me strength and helped ease the pain to know that I had a guardian angel, my sister.

Even with my angel, I was so confused. What was happening? What was happening to me? I used to be the man of the house, Rokou was always so cowardly, and Kourin was the youngest, and a girl, but now… I had become Kourin. I'm sorry, Rokou, I have to leave you… I can't protect you anymore, okay? You have to defend yourself now… Older Brother, I know you have the strength inside of you. You don't have to be one of the Suzaku Seishi to find strength inside of you, I'm sure you can live a happy life. I pray that you will live long and be strong.

Mother… father… You can't really expect me to forget about Kourin… she was the dearest treasure to me. She was the reason I awoke every morning with a smile, the reason I would crawl out of bed in the middle of the night to help her when she was sick, the reason I would stand up and defend her from thugs, the reason. She was the reason. I think everyone has someone who is their Reason for being in life, it doesn't have to be your true love, but I'm sure… that their Reason holds some place in their heart; a place that feels like it is ripped out when it is gone.

To forget about this, I pretended to be Kourin and I met His Majesty, Saihitei, or Hotohori. The other Seishi made fun of me for being gay, for loving another man, but I think… I think there is two of me. One side of me is the me I tried to be, the side of me that was feminine, that was Kourin. The side of me that had a sassy attitude, the side of me that would dress up as a beautiful woman and actually manage to pull it off. The other side of me was the side I always was been, a man, a strong seishi of Suzaku. This side of me cared for my friends more than anything in the world, and this side of me was the one I fought to repress. No… I was Kourin! No, I was Ryuuen! Wait… who was I…? I think, somewhere throughout those many years of confusion and loneliness… I forgot that I was really just Ryuuen. Under it all, under the Kourin, under the Nuriko, under the smiling, strong, beauty, I was Ryuuen. Not a woman, not a seishi, I was just human. Everybody is human… everyone has a heart, they have feelings, they have emotions, they have thoughts and they have actions. If you have those, then you are human. If you have faults and weaknesses, if you have strengths and skills, you are human. It doesn't matter if you can lift a mountain, it does matter if you can't even defend yourself, if your heart allows you to sit down and cry, to smile to the ones you love, to just plainly… feel, then you are human. I'm proud to be human. It's so simple, it was something I was born as, and yet, I am so proud. Just like being a Seishi. I have never been so proud of being anything… like a Seishi.

I first met Miaka, and I felt the sassy side of myself flaring up in jealously. She was stealing my Hotohori from me! But after a while, I realized how silly this was. She was so much younger than me, she was naïve, she was so simple minded and so easy to fool… I don't know how, but somewhere along the line, between the laughs and the cries, I fell in love with her. I fell in love with them all. Miaka, Tamahome, Hotohori, Chichiri, Tasuki, Mitsukake, Chiriko… I love them all. Even Amiboshi, I guess. They are my friends, and even if we weren't Seishi, I have a feeling… that we would all meet each other again. My friends.

Miaka and Tamahome were like the love story that repeated itself through history several times. It drove all of us crazy, they were so meant for each other, they were so supposed to be together, they were in love. No matter what, I secretly swore that one day, they would get together. Nothing will separate them after Suzaku is summoned, not the boundaries between Priestess and Warrior, not the boundaries of different worlds, no one would separate them. Everyone knows this, even Hotohori. Now that I think about it, I did love him at one point. I loved him to the point where my heart hurt to see him so sad, solemn after realizing that Miaka would never be with him. It was almost the feeling I felt when I realized that I could never be with him, but increased by a thousand fold. Everyone needs a person, a special person, one who can ease their pain, calm their hearts, share their love.

Tasuki. What can I say about Tasuki? Tasuki is… Tasuki. No other word to describe him. Loud-mouthed, brash, rude, an insensitive fool. God, I love him. He's like one of those annoying little brothers that resemble a gnat that follows you around and you can't get rid of. Just thinking of him makes me want to smile and then beat him up. Like a little brother… I had lots of those. I had a few older brothers too. Hotohori, Mitsukake, and the ever-lovable Chichiri, my older brothers. Tasuki, Tamahome, Chiriko, my younger brothers… and Miaka, my younger sister, of course. They were my family, really, the Suzaku Seishi family. I bet Sieryuu can't call their Seishi family! We were tighter than tight. In fact, the two things that hurt the most when I was dying was the thought of not being able to tease Miaka again and the thought of their crestfallen faces when they see me in my bloody mess. The last thing I want to see is their smiling faces, not tears streaming down their faces. I guess it's too late now… but I will never forget those memories.

Is there a life beyond death? Maybe it's just an empty void where you ponder about the life you lived, and once you've analyzed it to pieces, you can be reborn. Maybe it's where you float around carefree, bound to nothing, until the time comes when you are once again, called to duty. My duty in this life was to be a Suzaku Seishi, to protect the Priestess of Suzaku. When I first saw the little brat I never imagined that one day, I would jump out as fast as Tamahome does to protect her and preserve that smiling face on her forever. What I wouldn't do for some duck tape… it was my duty, I guess, and I'm fulfilling it. I fulfilled it. I was a Seishi to the end, in fact, that's the reason I met my end. I don't know if my curtain was supposed to fall so early, but at least I can take a bow. I'm not going to take a fall from grace. In fact, I think I'll do the opposite.

When Kourin died, I was so confused and saddened that I began to delude myself. But after meeting Miaka, after meeting the Seishi, I think- no, I am positive that Kourin is my angel. When I think of her now, instead of a numbing sadness, I remember the smiling face she maintained while standing by my side always, giving me strength in ways none of us knew she was doing. Just her presence increased my inner strength, not the miniscule powers of Suzaku I am so blessed on having. The strength of my heart, my devotion, my love to the world. Now, I can only hope that when they remember me again, they remember my smiling face and I pray that it gives them strength and courage. The many times Amiboshi played his flute and encouraged us… I can't play a fancy flute or do anything very amazing except be myself now. It's too late for anything else except to finally accept myself, these precious moments before my eyes close forever.

Maybe this death was brought upon myself. I insisted, like I always did, to give Tamahome and Miaka some time alone. I acted like a gallant fool as I rushed up on the mountain to find the Shinzaho, I was a noble imbecile. I fought Ashitare, I broke his neck, and he took my life. For some reason… I don't blame him. This is the way he was raised; he probably being tortured and hurt by that scumbag, Nakago. But I don't blame Nakago either. Anger won't make me feel better in the last few moments of life, I want to die happy. Looking at Ashitare, I realize that he was probably much less fortunate than I was. Even if I lost the person dearest to me, he probably lost them all. He looked like he had been through a hard life, so I can only wish him luck. And I'm very sorry, but I had to kill you. You would've killed Miaka, and Tamahome, and Tasuki, and everyone. I'm so sorry… but I can't let you touch my friends. My friends are what's dearest to me now, and they always will be. So you must die.

Is living through life really a sacrifice? Does this do anything for us? He took my life so Nakago wouldn't take his, and yet I killed him to save my friends from being killed. It's a sick game, and I have no clue why, but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed this sick game of life. I enjoyed having fun with Tasuki and Miaka under a starlit blanket at the star gazing festival, I enjoyed making friends with Byakuren*, she reminded me so much of my sister. I will never forget my childhood with the one I will always love most, my sister. Kourin. I hope… I hope when you died, you feel as peaceful as I feel now. I don't think… I'm dying. I think I'm going to sleep. Just for a while, don't worry, I'll wake up soon. When I wake up, I'll give you all great big bear hugs… okay? That's a promise, alright.

At least, I managed to say to Miaka what I had been trying to say all along. "Let me give you strength. Let me comfort you and encourage you. Let me be your companion even after death." Please remember, Miaka, that death is nothing but a door blocking us. Fate will open it again, someday, down the road, I swear, I will help you again as a Suzaku Seishi. This duty in life has bound me to you permanently, it has bound me to all of you… and after promising that I will return one day, one day I will come back and save you again… I bid you all… farewell, my friends.

One day, I WILL see you again… but for now… I'm your guardian angel.

*Byakuren= shows up in the Yukiyasha Den (Nuriko's story/biography thing)

Well, I hope you enjoyed this monologue/POV! ^_^; I know it's kinda depressing, but I wrote it without even thinking. I am a really big Nuriko fan and when I saw episode 33, it drove me crazy and made me very sad. ;_; This… was my result. It made me feel better, I was just wondering what Nuriko was thinking about the few minutes before he died. I ended up just… typing, it kinda came naturally. It's like a real death, almost. I dunno, I probably sound stupid [^^;] but Nuriko felt real and his death was very hard to accept, even if I can always hit rewind and watch episode 32 endlessly, thinking he will never die.

But anyway, this POV fic is FULL of spoilers, so sorry 'bout that… ^^; This is almost a vent fic, I really needed to write this. Sorry if this messed anyone up… [Eh heh heh heh] Hmm… I'm interested; did you all think it was sad, depressing, deep, or just corny? ==' Please review… [but please don't flame… ;_;] I'm really curious about what you all think. Thanks!

By the way, I wrote that shizitty poem up there by myself… please respect it and don't steal. .