"He got quiet, real quiet. And then – he just took off."
SPN*SPN*SPN
It's a panic attack. I know it is. Just a panic attack. I've had them before. I've had them before. I've had them before. I can live through it. I can. I just need to – I just need – I just - God, please somebody help me. I can't breathe. I can't breathe and I want to throw up and Bobby is saying something to me and I just want him to shut the freaking f**k up because I can't take the sound of his voice anymore. What? What now? I shouldn't put a cross on Dean's grave? I should leave it empty so nobody knows what it is? Great, one more thing I've freaking f**ked up. Go the freaking f**k away. Go away go away go away go away. I just buried my brother, you think I care about anything else? Do you? Leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone. Why don't I put down the bottle and go back to his house? Why doesn't he leave me the friggin' f**k alone? Why doesn't he shut the f**k up and leave me the f**k alone? Go to his house? The thought of going anywhere but the nearest crossroads makes my skin crawl. Help me, God please somebody help me. I can't do this. I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe. I need Dean. Please God I need Dean. PleasePleasePlease. I can't do this. I need Dean. I need Dean. I need Dean. I was supposed to save him. I was supposed to save him. He's supposed to be alive. I need Dean I need Dean I need - Dean needs to tell me what to do because I don't know what to do and I can't breathe and I can't think and I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't please please please please come back, please come back, please come back. Don't make me leave here without you, Dean. Don't make me leave here without you. I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe all I can smell is the mud and the blood and the smell of you dying and the smell of my own sweat and if you don't freakin' f**k come back Dean I don't know what I'm going to do. No - I know what I'm going to do. I know what I'm going to do. I'm gonna drive to the next crossroads I find and I'm gonna get you back out of hell and if I never see you again – I'm never gonna see you again, am I, Dean? I'm never gonna see you again. I'll make the deal and I'll go to hell and you'll be all right and I'll never see you again and it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. You'll be all right and that's okay. I want to see you again I need to see you again I'll never see you again, Dean. DeanDeanDean. Please come back please come back please come back. You can't be dead you can't be dead you can't be dead. I should check, I should check. I'll just – I can – it's not far. I didn't bury you too far down. I can just – I should check. I should check. Bobby – no! Don't stop me! Dean – Dean – I have to try. I have to see. Please. Maybe you're not dead. Let go let go let go I have to try I have to try I have to – have to – oh God please Dean. Don't be dead don't be dead don't be dead. I'll fix this. I will. I'll fix this. I'll get you back. I'll get you – I'll get you alive. Whatever it takes I'll get you alive and you'll be alive and you'll be okay and I won't care whatever it takes even if I never see you again as long as you're okay. I want you to be okay. I want you to be okay. I want you to be okay. I want – I want – I want –Dean Dean please. I'll fix this. I'll fix this Dean. You'll be okay. I'll fix this.
SPN*SPN*SPN
Bobby watched Sam slowly collapse inward, on his knees, hunched over Dean's grave. Hunched over and pushing his hands into the packed dirt like he was still trying to reach the coffin. He didn't hear anything Bobby said to him; he didn't answer him anyway, if he did hear him. He didn't make any sound at all. So Bobby stopped talking and just stood guard over Sam, letting him grieve however he needed to.
When Sam started clawing at the dirt though, Bobby moved in. He crouched beside Sam and got him in a bear hug, pulling him back and away from the dirt and his hopeless hope that he might find something different in that coffin than he'd buried not twenty minutes before. Let Dean's body rest in peace. Let what was left of him rest in peace. Bobby expected a fight, physical if not verbal, but Sam only kept trying to reach the grave, silently straining against Bobby's arms, and it was a hard job keeping him held close.
All of a sudden though, he just stopped. Maybe it was the grief or the whiskey or the exhaustion but Sam just stopped his struggles to get to Dean and went still. All he gave was a whimper, then he bent his head down, feeling to Bobby like all of his muscles just suddenly went limp and the only thing keeping him upright was Bobby's arms around him. Sam bent his head down until his forehead was resting against Bobby's arm, panting like he couldn't catch his breath.
They stayed that way awhile, too long for the part of Bobby who wanted Sam safe and home with him, not long enough for the part who wanted – needed – to take care of this boy. But after awhile, Sam got up and, without a word, put his shovel into the car, got in, and drove away.
The End