why don't you touch me where i'm rusty? let me stain your hands.
It's been four years since our high school rendezvous, the timid meetings in the backseats of cars - making love, hiding from your boyfriend, crying at your locker.. & then it all stopped. I stopped this, I am guilty of all sin - I am bleeding the disgust you've harbored for years against us. & now I'm sitting in abandoned bar in Evanston, forgetting every reason I forced myself out of this town, this place. Your green eyes, lit in the fluorescent bourgeoisie of the past. My past. A high school memory, laughable to any outside perspective. My albatross is laid upon clichéd fifties patterned table cloth. You smiled, "remember when we snuck out to this place? I loved it here. I really did. I'm sad that it's like this now, but I guess time does more damage than it does restoration.." The ice clinked in her drink. "Are you seeing anyone, Jess.. ?"
"I am, We've been together for two years now. I met her in my Women's study class. Cliché, I know. God I know." Her emerald eyes feigned adoration.
"Tell me about her." I closed my eyes and we were back in her bedroom, the quiet discontent of a maladjusted home life - displaced love and neglect.
I watched as her hands danced across my chest as we lay on her bed, waiting for Tad to come over. Her boyfriend, Tad. "Katie, break up with him. Be with me. Please?" She kissed at my lips, lay her tongue on my teeth. I pressed my head against her chest, "Stop.."
"What do you want me to say, Jessie? Do you want me to say this is going to last forever, and that I want to tell the entire world that you're my saving grace? Do you want me to say that I'm going to throw away everything I've spent so long cementing away because of our high school relationship? I'm not that confident, I'm not that ready to tell everyone about who I am, Why can't you just accept that?" She tucked the loose strands of hair behind my ear and I felt myself whimper into her mouth. She smiled, softly. More than anything they say that you'll want to stay. This pull, your gravity - but to be a success to find love in the open world, not in the hidden confines of your bedroom I have to stop this here. I have to stop this now. I could make love to you forever, stay here hidden inside your warm grasp - but you'll leave. & you'll make love to him, cry to him, moan his name is faux ecstasy.. & cry to me, tell me of your feelings, your losses, your lofty ambitions and genius moments of absolute break down. I love you, Kathryn Singer. I absolutely adore you. I always will. But this is not what I want anymore.
"I can't do this. I can't be your secret. I can't be with you after you've had sex with someone else. I just can't, I'm not okay with it. And I'm so sorry that I said I could be.. I want to be with you, I want to so bad. But you're breaking my heart, Katie, You're breaking my heart." and that was the end, I grabbed my coat from your closet and walked home, you didn't call. I didn't write. We didn't speak.
Until now. In a seedy bar with bad eighties music blaring from the speakers awkwardly placed behind our heads, yelling seemed to be the only option. "Jess.. Tell me about her." She placed her hand on my shaking thigh, "I thought I broke you of that habit.. " I let her hand rest on my thigh before jutting it away from her. "I want to be in your life. Just let me in."
"I don't want to do this now, please. I don't want to rekindle any spark. It's been years, you're over it. I'm over it. We were in high school, we were young and stupid. I'm in a relationship now, with someone I love - really love. & why should this even matter cause I'm gay, and you're clearly, well not. Why are you digging up the past now?"
"This is what ex lovers do! We lament. I'm heartbroken. Give me my fucking rights as the bitter half of this relationship to lament." I swallowed my gin and tonic, I could feel the rage swell and pulse in my voice - this I was going to regret. "Oh. Like I'm not bitter that I wasted half my queer fucking high school career licking your twat after some mindless jock fucked your brains out? I'm bitter, Katie. I'm more bitter than you will ever be." She leaned in and pressed her lips to mine, I pulled away but not before the taste of my youth was dribbled onto my lips.
"You're not over it. That previous statement? Not coming from someone's who over it. Jessie, Jessie.. Give me one good reason why you won't kiss me. Cause you want to. I'm a great kisser. Kiss me."
"I don't have to give you a reason, Katie. You're drunk and being ridiculous. I don't have to kiss you, I don't have to be in love with you. Not everything is up to you!" She reached her hand to my face and tucked the loose strands of my hair behind my ear. & moved her lips to my neck, her tongue trailing against it all the way. I stood up from the bar stool and stumbled towards the door. The cold air rushed against my skin. Her footsteps trailed mine, faster, faster, faster until I felt her hand clasp mine and spin me towards her.
"I'm here now. With you." She inched closer to my waist , I recoiled. "Why are you being so difficult? It wasn't this hard to get you into bed when we were younger." She flashed her signature smile and I felt my heart melt into submission. "Jess.." She whimpered and pushed her lips into mine, I felt her body pressure mine into the side of my car door. I moved my hands up and down her sides, kissed at her neck and she whispered softly into my ear, "You never were hard to convince."
I pulled away from her and rested my head atop of hers, "This is so high school.."