It's been a while since I've been here, I figured the time was right to submit a new story. It's a Red Dwarf story, I'll let you guess what it's about. - AJ

"We've got to get rid of them."

Rimmer leaned over to Lister's ear confidentially and murmured, as they walked down the corridor.

Lister breathed a sigh of relief. "Finally, that's the single most intelligent thing that's been said around here all day. Someone who'll back me up here. Even if it's… you. I mean, we've been in deep space for what, five years now? And we've seen some weird stuff in our time. We've seen… white holes and… psi moons, and things that most people would never ever believe. When I had pot noodle and liked it, I thought I'd seen it all. But nothing –nothing– could ever prepare me for a parallel universe where we're American. 'Intelligent, discerning Americans' my…" Lister caught himself. "No doubt about it, they've got to go." He paused. "I mean, don't get me wrong, he's okay, but the guy's a total loss. He doesn't drink lager, he's got absolutely no taste in music, and I'm absolutely sure I caught him eating pasta earlier. Pasta! I'm disowning him man, I really am. And what really smegs me off is, he's really good at it, all that space hero stuff. Your guy's rally weak, but mine's really good… But he's like's 6'4"! And handsome! Guy looks like someone off Baywatch or something." He paused. "Where are the two Kryts?"

Rimmer grimaced. "They're off folding sheets together. I haven't seen him this happy since he found that new mop in the supply cupboard."

Lister's eyes widened. "You don't mean-"

Rimmer nodded solemnly. "Yes, he's had his droidgasm."

Lister shook his head in disbelief. "This is getting' out of hand. We've got to find some way to get 'em off the ship."

"That's not even the worst of it. It's the same with Holly. And don't ask me about the Cats."

Lister frowned. "Why shouldn't I ask you about the Cats? What's up with the Cats?"

Rimmer attempted to illustrate with a number of hand gestures. It really didn't help.

"What, hand?"

Rimmer sighed with exasperation. "Look, it's very simple. You have two cats, a male cat and a female cat. Like we do now. And you take the male cat and the female cat, and then you-" Again with the hand gestures.

It was at this point that Lister finally comprehended Rimmer's meaning.

"Aw, smeggin' hell!" You mean they're…"

Rimmer nodded.

"Ah, man. That's something you just don't do. It's like… bangin' your sister."

"Oh, speaks. And just how did the twins arrive again?" Rimmer leaned towards Lister and held his hand to his ear mockingly.

"Alright, you've made your point. What're we gonna do?"

Rimmer rubbed his hands together and licked his lips. "Don't worry Lister, I think I've got a plan…"