Lies
Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!
Episode:- None
Pairing:- Nicola/Ollie
Rating:- T
Achieve:- http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/
Summary:- He is everything to me just as he says I am to him and I'll face anything, climb any mountain, with him by my side feeding my need to feel like someone out there really loves me and that is something that shatters any lie, however old, into a million pieces.
Author's Note:- In answer to Beth's challenge to write a fic involving someone being lied to and not finding out until a year later. Song fic to "Lies" by Evanescence (lyric in italics). Pretty angsty so if you are looking for light and fluffy maybe try something else first otherwise enjoy and reviews would be lovely.
Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear; sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, perusing the end; I fight for the chance to be lied to again.
Watching the last of his belongings loaded into the back of the small van my heart aches, it begs me to be strong even though I feel like so much of my life has been a sham. He swore, he promised me it was all behind us, I let myself believe it even though my heart told me it could never be that way. Denial is a wonderful thing, ignorance of what is going on behind your back is a place I long to go back to, I long to take a step back before yesterday, before I woke up to that ringing phone, before I knew I had to take a stand. I long to be able to go back to when I allowed myself to be lied to and fooled myself into believing it but those days are gone, the facts cannot be disputed, denial no longer brings comfort but ridicule and I have enough of that in my life.
You were never strong enough; you will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love; you will not rise above
Closing the door on him as he drives away I feel my shoulders straighten and a new determination fill me. He never thought I'd be strong enough to make this happen, he never thought I'd take the risk, he never thought I'd ever realise that I didn't and couldn't love him anymore and that I didn't care what the world or the press or anyone else had to say about it he had to go. As I feel the final tears I think I will ever cry for him run down my cheeks I wonder if he ever really thought he could keep it from me forever, that he would ever be strong enough not to get spotted by someone, ever be good enough to sustain the lie he told so easily. His problem was that I now realise he never really loved me, even in the beginning I no longer think he cared as much as he should have or I believed he did. I don't think when we stood together all those years ago he really believed the words he said as I did and that's the reason I was always going to be the one who took the step that we both knew had to come. He had no concept of love, no belief in sacrifice to make things work. The moral high ground is the position I'm supposed to be taking now. That's what I've been instructed to do in a round of policy meetings and strategy conference where Malcolm went over everything that will come from this. All the possible ways the press can crucify me or choose to be on my side, regardless of what happens my place is firmly on the moral high ground. I know that it's a place I should be comfortable but why does it all feel so hard? Why in spite of everything am I still crying?
But through my tears breaks a blinding light; birthing a dawn to this endless night
Arms outstretched awaiting me; an open embrace upon a bleeding tree
The quiet sound of food steps coming from the kitchen feels like a safety net as he comes out into the hall and the gentle smile he gives me makes my world turn on it's axis and reminds me that someone does truly love me and wants nothing but my enduring happiness. To the outside world he's here to ensure that everything goes smoothly and that we aren't accosted by reporters and that nothing happened that could make things worse. Along with ensuring that my children were sent to my sisters for the weekend and that the date he was moving out was kept under wraps his presence is another of Malcolm Tucker's safety features. I know though that even if the world was falling down around me and everything that I dreaded happening today where unfolding in front of my eyes, if there was a bank of tabloid hacks outside and my children were falling to pieces he'd want to be the person there to help me pick up the pieces and that's the real reason I was finally able to take the final step.
"It's over baby, he's gone and anything else we can deal with as and when it happens. You did the right thing, I love you and I will be here for you forever no matter what happens next." His arms wrap around me and I crumble into his embrace letting him sooth away the tension and residual pain of the end of something I once thought was forever. "You should have done it a year ago, we should have made you do it a year ago, none of us believed him when he said he'd changed yet we let you live like this and let him hurt you all over again with more lies and even deeper betrayals."
"I wasn't ready then, I didn't know there was any other way to be loved."
Rest in me and I'll comfort you; I have lived and died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you; I will never forsake you
"I swear it will be better from now on, no matter what happens I will be right by your side. Watching the light go out a little more in your eyes with each betrayal and each time he hurt you I felt like part of me died with you. When you smiled at me and I knew that somewhere beneath the pain and the exhaustion with it all you were still there, still the woman I fell in love with when you walked into the office like a whirlwind and shook us all to our core. I will never treat you like he did, I never could, I could never want anyone so long as I have you. You are my everything. This isn't an ending today Nicola, not really, it's a beginning a beginning of the life you should always have had and if you let me I'll be the person to give that too you."
His words wrap around me like as tightly as his arms and every single one of his reassurances feel real. I know better than most what it is like to listen to someone make promises you know they will never keep, say words they could never mean and do it with such confidence that they make the world believe that they are true. I know what it's like to hear all those things and not believe any of them but with him it's so different. With Ollie I feel the truth in every word with the quickening of my heart and the way his eyes fuse with mine like I am the only person on earth who can keep his own heart beating.
They'll never see; I'll never be
I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger burning inside of me
I sink into his kiss letting him absorb any doubts or fears I might have left and I know that he's right. This is the first day of the rest of my life, it's a cliché I know but it has never felt more true. The rest of the world will never truly know what went on behind the closed doors of this home when I felt like it was my prison. They will never understand how much he has given me by loving me and giving me the strength to make that break. They'll never understand how one lie told a year ago almost to the day set the wheels for my new life in motion and I don't care. Let them talk, let them publish what they what, say what they want, because I know one thing they never will. He is the rock on which I stand to make this change, he is the person who built the fortress around my heart that gave me the courage to do it. He is everything to me just as he says I am to him and I'll face anything, climb any mountain, with him by my side feeding my need to feel like someone out there really loves me and that is something that shatters any lie, however old, into a million pieces.