N.B: As some of you might see, this is a two-part repost of my earlier attempt at a 47 Seconds fic that was totally bombed out by reviewers – mostly anonymous ones. I've completely re-written from what was chapter four onwards; hopefully this version will be better received. Thanks for reading (or re-reading, whichever it may be).
47 Seconds
They'd finally cracked the case. The bomb detonator had been activated by the reporter, of all people, and as usual it had been Castle who had put all the shards together to bring them to a conclusion. She couldn't help but steal glances at his sweet, furrowed brow as they all stood together, as a team, retracing each person's steps and working through the timeline... It wasn't just her and Castle who were in sync; they all worked in tandem, but somehow over the last day or two it had become obvious to Kate that Castle had taken a metaphorical step back. He was distant, throwing out thinly veiled comments – like the one in the interrogation room, when they'd finally got the reporter to confess. Something about... sinning by silence? She normally would have brushed it off as a pointed dig at the perp, but somehow the way he took a sideways glance at her as he said it, it was... Well. It was something, anyhow. It felt like he was pulling away.
After Gates' unnaturally praising debrief, the lack of tension in the bull pen was noticeable. Picking up her jacket, Kate knew she couldn't just go home and be alone after the stress of the past few days; there was an itching in her stomach, something she couldn't quite place, and it was always days like today that got to them and brought them closer together as a team in equal measure. As Javi and Kevin wandered over to her desk, she had an idea.
"You know what, I'm still kind of wired. Do you guys want to go out for a drink?"
Ryan looked up, almost regretfully, as if he were disobeying a direct order. "Ah, sorry. You know, it feels like a month since I've seen Jenny – I should really get home."
She nodded in response; it was logical. Cases like these always made them appreciate the warm embrace of their families that little bit more, so it made sense that he'd want to get home to his wife. She looked to Javi, hopeful that his lack of current squeeze would mean he was in for a few rounds of pool and some tequila shooters, but his response was similarly negative.
"Me too – I'm tanked. I'll holler at you."
Smiling at them both, she raised her hand in goodbye as they turned to gather up their things and leave. Well, at least she could count on Castle's presence... She looked to him and smiled. "So, I guess it's just us?" He was smiling too, but unusually it wasn't quite reaching his eyes, and his voice was hesitant.
"Uh... yeah."
She could see he was trying to hide something – she wasn't one of the precinct's top detectives for nothing, after all – but for once she had no idea how to try and coax it out of him. He'd only been acting strangely the last few hours, since they'd pulled Bobby in for questioning and he'd left for an hour or so. There was definitely something, though; maybe the relaxed atmosphere of their favourite cop bar would drag it out of him. Slipping her arms into her jacket, she picked up her wallet, phone and keys and faced him once again. "You know, now that the case is done, what did you want to talk about?"
He looked at her, all arms folded and head tilted, waiting for him to answer, and somehow he knew he couldn't give her a response that wouldn't reveal the anger and hurt he was feeling. He knew if he confronted her about it he'd either get incredibly upset or irrationally angry at her, and either of those reactions would be both out of his control and damaging to their friendship. As mad as he was at her, he didn't want to ruin what they'd built together, and although he needed space at the moment he knew he didn't want to face a day-to-day life that didn't have Beckett in it... He had to get out of there. Forcing his features into a smile, he shook his head as he replied. "Nothing. Nothing... important, anyway. I'm going to head home. Good night."
As he turned to leave, Kate's stomach lurched. The case was over, and yet he was still acting strangely... She needed to know why. Kicking her chair underneath her desk, she followed him as he made his way to the elevator. "Uh, Castle?"
He didn't stop, replying as he continued to walk towards the elevator, pressing the button and rolling his eyes a little as she skidded to a stop beside him. "Yup?"
"Castle – is... is everything ok? You've been acting strangely ever since you came back from 'clearing your head'. What's up?"
He closed his eyes and took a loud breath in. "Nothing. It's just been a long few days, that's all, and I'd like to go home to my daughter. If that's ok with you, Detective Beckett?"
"See, there it is again. You never normally pass up a drink with us after a tough case, and all of a sudden you're rushing to go home and calling me 'Detective'?!" She shook her head in temper. "Look, don't worry about it. You obviously don't want to talk, so we'll just ride the elevator down together and then you can go home, ok? God, I'm sorry I even asked now."
Castle's mouth opened, about to blow, but just as he was about to retaliate the doors opened and the loud 'ding' of the elevator rang out. Stepping in together, they both turned around and faced front, arms folded in a defensive gesture that neither of them consciously realised they were displaying. Kate leant to the side and pressed the ground floor button with her elbow, watching as the doors closed and staying looking straight ahead. Their silences were never usually uncomfortable, but this... god, you could cut the tension in here with a knife. How had they become so disjointed in one afternoon? This was going to one be hell of a long elevator ride.
Suddenly, the cabin ground to a halt with a nasty clinking of metal and a whoosh of air. Kate let out a "What the fuck?!" and stepped closer to Castle as the main lights of the elevator went out, her fingertips clutching around his bicep instinctively. They stood still for a moment, holding their breath and listening to the creaks and clanks as the cabin settled in its newfound position between floors two and three. The emergency lighting in the corner flickered once, twice, then stayed on permanently as they both exhaled in unison, neither of them really aware that they'd been holding their breath.
"Damn it." Castle sighed, shrugging her hand away from his arm as he stepped away from Kate, moving to the elevator control panel and pressing the 'Call' button insistently with his index finger. It buzzed back at him loudly until he heard a 'click' on the other end, and a very questioning "Yo?" that was unmistakably Esposito.
"Hey, Espo – what the hell is going on?"
"Castle?"
He looked to Kate and rolled his eyes in frustration. "No, it's the ghost of the elevator. Who do you think it is?! What's going on, dude?"
"Er… I'm not really sure. We were waiting for the elevator to come back up, we heard the buzzing and we pressed the button... Why you calling me from the elevator, bro?"
"Javier Esposito, for a relatively intelligent man you can sometimes be a complete wa-"
Moving quickly and pulling his finger off the button Kate took over, painfully aware that Castle's fuse was shortening by the second. "Hey, Javi, it's me. I think we're stuck between floors – we were riding down and it just suddenly…well, stopped. Could you call the super for me?"
"Sure thing, I'll buzz you back now… don't do anything we wouldn't do! Oh, and Beckett?"
She crinkled her nose and squinted her eyes in anticipation, knowing instinctively from the tone of Espo's voice that the ending of his sentence was not going to be particularly nice. "Uh… yeah?"
"Tell writer-boy I'm gonna kick his ass when this elevator comes back up. You hear me, Castle?"
Flicking her gaze up, she could see that Castle's jaw was tightening; it usually only got like that around the deep-fried-twinkie. She'd learned over the years that it was a sure sign of his temper being close to exploding, and she didn't trust that Espo's jokes wouldn't push him right over the edge. Not giving Castle chance to respond, she lifted her hand towards him and raised her index finger in a 'Shhh' gesture. "Just call him, alright Javi? Thanks…"
They heard Espo mutter his trademark "Mmmmm hmmmm…" before the click of the disconnect tone echoed around the cabin and Castle instantly turned on his heel, stomping over the far corner and sinking down onto his haunches. "Great." He sighed, dropping his head into his hands.
"Come on, Castle, it's not that bad. Espo will call the Super and he'll get us moving in no time… it's an old elevator; it just sticks now and again, that's all. And you know he's only kidding about kicking your ass."
He scoffed in return. "Yeah, and it just had to stick now, didn't it. Perfect damned ending to a perfect damned day…Oh, and incidentally, you know I could take him with one hand tied behind my back."
Kate suppressed the urge to snort - sensing his wounded pride - and simply padded over to sit beside him, answering his statement in her most placating tone of voice. "It hasn't been that bad, has it? We caught the bomber, and did some pretty fine detective work...?"
His head lifted to meet her eyes, his gaze as hard as steel. "It's not about the detective work."
"Jesus, Castle!" Her own temper was shortening now, and she had no desire to hide it when his behaviour was becoming more and more childish by the second. "What is your problem?"
He glowered in silence for a few moments, opening his mouth to respond just as the loud buzz from the speaker echoed around the cabin again. Getting up quickly, he rushed to press the call button. "Espo?"
"Yes, writer-boy, it's me. Looks like you'll have to wait a while for that ass whooping…"
Castle's features furrowed, his bottom lip crinkling into a comically fearful expression. "Er, why, what's going on?"
"Well, I'm not sure I should tell you, seeing as I'm such a complete wa-"
Kate's voice loudly cut in again from across the elevator, realising she needed to stop the children fighting in the sandbox before it escalated beyond reprieve. "Woah, woah, woah, Javi – just tell us what he said."
"He said they know it's stuck, and they'll get it sorted as soon as they can. But…" Espo's voice trailed off tentatively, almost afraid to repeat the last part of the message.
Kate sighed. "Javi, come on. Level with me."
They heard him exhale over the intercom, taking his time before he spoke. "He said they've had to call the outside maintenance company, and it'll be at least 45 minutes before they get here."
Stealing another glance at Castle, Kate could see that his jaw was clenching even tighter now. He sighed, breathing in and closing his eyes briefly before responding in a surprisingly cool tone. "Thanks, dude. Look, keep us posted if anything changes? And…Espo?"
"Yep?"
"…Sorry for being an idiot."
Javi chuckled. "No problem bro. I'd be mean if I was stuck in a tiny elevator cabin with Beckett too. I'll hold the ass whooping until you really deserve it… We'll keep you posted, cool?"
"Cool."
He rested his head against the cool metal of the control panel as he took his finger off the button, taking a few breaths before turning back around to Beckett.
"Phew."
She smiled curtly, deliberately ignoring his attempt at humour, her words clipped and pointed just as his had been moments earlier. "45 minutes."
He looked over questioningly, the tone in her voice surprising him. "Kate?"
"Don't you 'Kate' me. You'll apologise to Espo for being an idiot, but nothing for me?"
He rolled his eyes. "I'm not being an idiot, Beckett. I'm angry, yes, but then again…" He sighed, trying to keep the emotion in his voice under control. "I'm not the one hiding things."
"What are you talking about? I don't know what the hell happened on your little trip out earlier, or what you think you know, but it's all seemingly my fault so why don't you just come out and tell me? You've had a stick up your ass all afternoon, I have no idea why and I'm fed up of trying to guess!" She rose to her feet easily; fluidly, and made her way over to stand in front of him. Her body language was deliberately confrontational; arms folded, shoulders square, reminiscent of the way she squared up to uncooperative suspects when they just wouldn't play ball. He rubbed his eyebrows, thinking quietly, trying to decide on his hand.
"And that –", she points to his twitching nose, pressing her finger up against the skin in a jabbing motion. "- right there, is your poker tell. Spill it, Castle. I'm getting really pissed off now."
"You're pissed off?! YOU'RE pissed off?!" He laughed; a strangling, choked sound, forced and almost mimicking. "You have no right to be pissed off, Kate. You're the one who lied."
"About what?!"
"I heard you, Kate. In the interrogation room. And that was when I left."
She went quiet, her mind processing his words and trying to pinpoint what he was referring to, and then her breath caught on an inhale, producing a slight hiccup. She knew.
He swallowed, trying hard to keep the emotion down, trying to protect himself. He wanted to be angry at her, not hurt – he didn't want to let her know how much just those two sentences had cut his heart in two, had managed to shatter everything he'd believed in about their partnership. He felt so stupid, for being willing to wait; he'd given her patience, understanding, space, and she'd just thrown it back in his face without even realising. Steadying his breathing, he tried to continue, but she interrupted him.
"Castle, I… I didn't… I had no… -" He waved his arms in the air, scrunching his eyes and making negative gestures with his hands to stop her talking, the adult equivalent of what Alexis used to do as a little girl when she didn't want to hear something; metaphorically sticking his fingers in his ears and chanting 'la-la-la-la-la-la' very loudly until the unbidden noise ceased. Not exactly mature; but instinctual.
She reached for his hands, trying to placate him, but he shrugged her off violently and moved to stand behind her, unable to keep his body still. "Kate – just don't, ok?"
Her eyes filled with tears and she stood, as still as stone, as he began to pace the floor of the elevator behind her. "Castle, I can explain."
His arms leapt up again, and slapped down to his sides noisily. "How the fuck can you explain?! God, Kate, you really let the cat out of the bag didn't you. Did you want me to hear, is that it? You knew I was in there watching and yet you still said it, plain as day. Were you too chicken to say it to me yourself? How am I supposed to come back from that? You made a total jackass out of me."
She swallowed loudly; forced, still fighting back tears, and her attempt to damp down the emotion made his stomach jump. This was not how this was supposed to go. He didn't really know how he'd intended it to play out, but it most definitely wasn't like this. He didn't want to hurt her. He quietened his voice, trying to appear calmer but failing, and continued.
" I really thought we could have a future together. You know, I was willing to wait, but I've come to find out it was all just a big joke. You knew."
The words would have normally made her stomach flip, would have set the butterflies free, fluttering delicately around her ribcage, but they were too far in to this now and his words were laced with such vitriol it almost hurt.
"What?!" She spun around to face him, her eyes now sparking with anger.
He took one large stride towards her, leaning his head down so he could lower his voice. It brought them almost nose to nose, and with his strong, muscular frame blocking almost all of the emergency lighting she could only just make out the shadow of his face. "This whole time, you remembered. And you didn't say anything because you were embarrassed and you didn't feel the same way. You made me feel like such a fool, Kate!"
There was such pain under the anger of his words, she didn't know how to respond. Opening and closing her mouth, she let out an "uh..." noise, trying to find the words and to bat down the fear that was rising in her throat. He scoffed. "See, you can't even deny it. Why the fuck didn't you tell me, instead of leaving me hanging on a string for something that will never happen? Hell, Kate, everybody knows how I feel about you – and not through me telling them. They see it for themselves; it's in everything I do. Esposito laughs at how I bring you coffee every morning, just to see the smile on your face. Ryan notices how I look at you. How I look out for you. How I support you, every damned day and in each crazy thing we do together. And you? You can't even see what's under your damned nose."
He took a deep breath, his chin wrinkling as the anger quickly dissipated into tears he had to hold back. "I love you, Kate. That's not something you can choose to ignore until you feel like you want to deal with it!"
There was a heavy silence, punctuated only by their breathing. Castle's was strained and exhausted, full of emotion, and Kate's was light and quick – almost panicky. They stood, still nose to nose, as she tried to process the words he'd said, and more importantly, how he'd said them. She couldn't think of a suitable response; the temper and heat was rising in her stomach, licking flames up that caught and killed the butterflies. Looking upwards and into his eyes, she tried to speak again but failed, and Castle shook his head and rubbed his hand across his forehead again.
"See, you – you can't even respond. God, I'm an idiot..." He spun around again, facing the back wall of the elevator as his fingertips continued rubbing his eyebrows in pressured, stressful movements.
Kate stepped towards him, pulling his raised arm down and twisting him around before pushing him against the back wall in one quick, well practised self defence movement. Pressing her body against his she raised herself up on her tiptoes, resting her mouth over his as she spoke to him, almost stealing his air; heavy, and finally demonstrative.
"Show me."