Title: In the Clinic
Author: desolate butterfly
Genre: humour, gen
Pairing: uh...tiny bit of KakaSaku?
Rating: PG - 13
Summary: Some days Sakura wonders why she wanted to became a medic. Then something like this happens and she knows exactly why: it's because she's crazy.

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Sakura didn't really like clinic duty.

Sure, it was a hell of a lot safer than being in the field, patching up broken limbs, treating burns form exploding tags, and dodging shuriken every five seconds. But at least when she was in the field she didn't have to put up with awkward chuunin trying to lie to her about their latest sex-related injuries.

"So let me get this straight…you fell on it."

"Yeah."

She gave the teen a flat look and he squirmed uncomfortably. Then again, that could have been because of the small tanto lodged hilt-first in his rectum. She pulled the paper sheet down so that she didn't have to so very much of his scrawny, shiny buttocks and sighed.

"It was dirty, so you brought it with you into the shower for some reason instead of just running a cloth over it. Then you dropped it…and accidentally slipped and fell on it. And that's the story you want me to believe about how this," she tapped a finger against the blade and it wobbled, causing the young chuunin to wince, "ended up in your anus."

"…Yeah."

"Okay, fine. Whatever."

After Sakura had removed the tanto from the teen's anus and sent him home with some painkillers and a stool softener, it was time for her lunch break. Unsurprisingly, she wasn't very hungry, despite having skipped breakfast in order to greet her 8:30 am appointment on time.

Instead, Sakura sipped from her water bottle and flipped idly through a magazine while waiting for her next patient to come through the door. When he finally did, she almost snorted half the bottle's worth up her nose.

"Kakashi-sensei," she said between coughs, "what are you doing here?"

Her teacher carefully closed the door behind him and sat down in one of the other chairs. He inclined his head towards her.

"I have a cold."

"You wear a mask," she pointed out, a little confused. "How you possibly have caught an air-borne virus?"

He shrugged while she fitted her stethoscope around her ear and indicated that he should lift up his shirt. He submitted to this request and she placed the metal disk to his chest and listened to him breathe. As she shifted around to his back she noticed the stark white scar that was a memento of the last time she had treated him; for a shuriken that had lodged in his shoulder that he had left in his body six hours before she'd shown up at his house and dragged him to the hospital.

Sakura frowned, suddenly very suspicious.

"Kakashi-sensei…"

"What is it?" he asked, idly pulling at the half-gloves on his hands. "Am I wheezy?"

"No your breathing is fine." She faced him and rested her hands on her hips. "Kakashi, what's going on? You've never come to the hospital willingly."

"Don't be silly Sakura," he replied easily. "Of course I've come to the hospital willingly. That time I got my ribs crushed—"

"Fixed in the field."

"My broken femur."

"In the field."

"…poisoned arrow-tip to the stomach?"

She scowled. "I fixed that one in your living room, Kakashi-sensei. You hate hospitals and you hate doctors—"

"Hate is such a strong word."

"—so what exactly are you doing here?" she finished, glaring at him.

He shrugged and stared calmly back at her.

"Why Sakura-chan," he said, "do I need a reason to come visit my favourite student?"

"Yes," she said flatly. "You do."

"…I have a cold?"

"Oh god," she looked at him in horror, "this doesn't have anything to do with the reason why Tsunade-sama came in this morning looking all pissed off, would it? She was muttering something about international incidents and Icha Icha and I assumed she was talking about Jiraiya-sama but…. And you're hiding here because no one would ever think to look for you at the hospital unless all your limbs were blown off. I can't believe you, Kakashi-sensei."

"I don't know what you're talking about Sakura-chan," he lied smoothly, making a very fake cough into his mask. "I'm been miserable for days with this horrible cold. I could hardly get out of bed yesterday."

"So I guess that was your clone I saw drinking sake with Kurenai-san at the bar last night, eh?"

"Must have been."

"Fine," she said in disgust. "As long as you're here, I might as well give you a physical check-over. God knows when I'll ever get the chance again."

"If you like," Kakashi said, shrugging off his shirt entirely and indulging Sakura as she checked his blood pressure, his reflexes, his throat and ears, and carefully studied his Sharingan eye for signs of nerve damage.

"You're disgustingly healthy," she finally said, switching off her penlight and shoving it back into the pocket of her coat.

Kakashi smiled at her (after so many years on his team, she could interpret his expressions through eyebrow movement alone) and moved to pull his shirt back on.

"Well I'd better be going then. I guess drinking orange juice really does cure colds—"

"Just one second," she said, stopping him. "I still have one more test to give you."

"My sense of balance is fine, Sakura."

She grinned and tugged a latex glove on over her right hand, snapping it audibly at the wrist. "Not that test, Kakashi-sensei. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to take your pants off now."

He froze in place as she fished around in the drawer for the small tub of personal lubricant and she could have sworn that he turned two shades paler when she finally lifted it up with a crow of success.

"Uh…actually I feel so much better now," he started to say, backing up towards the door.

"Nonsense." She stepped forward, dipping her gloved finger into the lubricant. "When was the last time you had your prostrate examined?"

He eyed her warily. "That's kind of a personal question Sakura. Are you sure you want to hear the answer?"

She quickly grabbed him before he could get to the door, and she just managed to get her fingertips on his zipper before there was a cloud of smoke and she was suddenly molesting a log.

"Thanks for the check-up Sakura-chan," he called as he flung himself out the door and down the hallway at incredible speed.

She watched him go with a half-amused, half-exasperated expression. Then she wondered what the hell she was going to do with the jounin-sized log in her office.

"Haruno-san," a nurse stuck her head in the door and held out a clipboard, "your afternoon appointments have unfortunately been doubled. It seems that Tsunade-sama has disappeared from her office again…"

She really, really hated clinic duty.

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fin

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