When every girl thinks of their wedding day, they think pure happiness. A fairytale. Their wildest dreams coming true.
I thought that once.
I was ten years old when I thought of my wedding, putting in all the details for the first time.
I would be surrounded by my family. My mother would be fussing over my dress, smoothing out every wrinkle, checking my make-up. She would be a nervous wreak.
Then she'd carefully take my hand and tell me how proud she was. How happy that I and my husband-to-be had found each other. Tears would come her eyes, then mine, as she thought of the two of us, him and I, playing in our backyard.
We'd make tales of fantasy, be lost in the land of make believe that proteced us from the world.
Then dad would stick his head in the room and tell us gruffly that it was almost time. He'd pause and look at me, taking me in.
My little girl is leaving me
he'd think to himself. I'd look into his eyes as he hugs me and see the unshed tears. He was so proud as well, he'd whisper into my ear.
As we left the room, Bessie would pull me aside and tell me to have fun on my Honeymoom. I'd giggle and dad would roll his eyes.
Soon the music would start. Dad would walk me down the aisle where my love would be. He'd stand there, the goofy smile on his face, his hair as blonde as ever, shorter just for our wedding day as my dad gave me away, kissing my cheek softly.
Our vows would be filled with words of love and promise and then he'd slip the ring on my finger and kiss me.
The way it should be. The way it wouldn't be.
I now look at myself in the mirror, wearing the wedding dress of my dreams. I smooth out the wrinkles, as I always imagined my mother doing so.
She was gone.
As was dad.
Sighing slightly, I push away a stray strand of hair. Bessie's eyes shown with enough joy and pride, as much as mom and dad would have had.
There was also sadness.
She knew, that no matter how much I claim to love this man, my heart will always belong to one.
Everyone knew.
Jen, Andie, and Audrey knew as they fussed around me, doing my make-up and helping me get ready. I knew they knew from the tone of their voices, the way they said my soon to be last name.
They knew.
Jack knew, as he told me how amazing I looked. I smilied and kissed his cheek lightly thanking him.
Dawson knew, as he told me how happy he was for me.
He stopped being my dream groom as I grew older. The fantasy we created slowly drifitng away. We grew up. So did our hearts.
Dawson would walk me down the aisle. He joked, saying it was the perfect way to get completly over me. But I knew.
He thought he was giving me away to the wrong man.
Maybe he was right.
I love Christopher. I love his quick quips and I love his sarcastic charm. He loves me so much that he wants to spend his life with me.
Don't I owe him the same?
Yet as I stand here, overlooking myself in the mirror, I can't help but think back to something my mother once said.
She and dad had gotten into a fight. A few hours later, I walked into the kitchen and saw them in a tight embrace. When asked later why she forgave him so fast, she said because she loved him no matter what.
He made her feel alive.
She told me to look for that feeling no matter what. She told me I'd find it and once I did, that was who I was meant to be with.
I gently take hold of the bracelet adoring my left wrist, her bracelet.
I remember everything.
The words soar through my head.
When Dawson and I first got together, I looked for that feeling. I wanted it to be Dawson who made me feel alive.
But it wasn't.
So I pushed him away.
I told him I needed time alone, to find myself. I really just wanted that feeling. The one that made my mother glow.
Then came Jack.
Jack was sweet, shy and cute. He liked me and I did like him. We dated briefly.
He didn't have the feeling either.
When he came out, it hurt. But it was also a relief.
The feelings wasn't there.
I had to keep looking.
Dawson and tried again, this time we truly were ready. The feeling still wasn't there but I pushed my doubts away.
I was meant to be Mrs. Dawson Leery.
As least I thought so.
Our second break-up was my doing. When he returned to Capeside, I needed him back. I offered myself to him, giving him what I thought I'd always save.
He rejected it.
As I sat, crying on my dock, I heard the soft slap of the paddle on the water and there he was.
Pacey Witter.
He sat down next to me and as he put his arm around me, I felt a jolt.
It couldn't be, could it?
I left him comfort me that night.
We grew closer.
We talked of our futures, our insicurities.
He told me he thought Andie was the one, never dreaming how wrong he would be.
I was there when Andie handed him back his heart, broken up into pieces.
As we grew closer, the jolt grew more promient.
I tried to ignore it, to tell myself it was my mind, playing tricks on me.
Then he kissed me.
And I felt alive.
It wasn't supposed to be Pacey, yet it was.
Pacey Witter, my worst enemy, was the one person who made me feel like I was floating above it all. Together we would rise above Dawson's ultimatum, Andie's jealously.
We would be together, saling away on a magical adventure.
We lasted senior year, my obsession with Dawson finally taking its toll. I flew from the arms of the man who made me feel alive, to the comfort of the man who couldn't.
I had never felt more alone.
Pacey and I were able to maintain a friendship.
He dated Audrey and I fell for Eddie.
Then somehow, I found myself once again in his arms.
He made me feel alive and it scared me. Two years later, and I still get those feelings?
I was scared.
So I ran.
Back to Eddie, only to have him dump he a while later.
Karma. Always catches up to you.
Now here I am, looking at myself in my dream dress.
At my dream wedding.
Without my dream groom.
I wipe the tears away and walk out of the room slowly.
Bessie's there, along with Dawson.
He looks into my eyes and knows.
We both know.
I can't do it.
I turn to Bessie, ready to tell her but she holds up her hand silencing me.
''We'll tell him Jo. Follow you heart.'' she says, as I hug her.
''I hope to give you away at the right one this time.'' Dawson whispers as I hug him.
I smile my thanks and turn toward the church doors, leaving behind the fantasy.
Running to the reality.
I walk, still in my wedding dress, the familer path to his house.
I knock on his door and he answers, his face a mask of confusion.
''Jo?'' he whispers.
I'm not supposed to be there.
I'm supposed to marry the New York guy, as Pacey calls him.
He knows I shouldn't be here, but I am.
And he knows why.
''I love you.'' I say, in my quietest of voices.
He smiles and strokes my cheek gently, staring at me with those gentle, loving blue eyes.
''I love you too.'' he says.
I jump into his arms, kissing him gently, moaning as his hands roam over me, gentle yet needing.
''You wedding.'' he mumbles.
''Was with the wrong man. I'm fixing it.'' I tell him.
''How?'' he asks,
''Marry me Pacey?'' I asks.
He looks at me, amusment in his eyes.
''Isn't that my line?'' he asks.
''No.'' I tell him.
''Yes.'' he answers, taking me into his apartment, closing the door behind me.
I'm back where I belong.
With the man who makes me feel alive.
With my dream groom.
With the man I love.
Nothing has ever felt more right.
Nothing ever will.