-Enter Standard Disclaimer Here- - everyone should know Rob and Doug wouldn't be putting stuff here
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It was tough being a vending machine on Red Dwarf. Even though those Nanobots had been quite polite when putting him back together, that was no comfort since the previously deconstructed ship was now being eaten by a designer micro biotic agent. "Some days it doesn't pay to come online…" he moans. Though being entirely electronic, he has his doubts about how much of a 'he' he is. Sure, 'he' has a male voice, though it could just be a synthesized manly woman's voice. Once you learn that, you come to understand just why some vending machines get so ratty. That's the reason this one decided to call itself Klig – a very unmale and unfemale name.
Suddenly, 'he' heard voices approaching. Obviously headed for the Captain's Recovery room. One of them sounded familiar… But no time for that, the ship was about to be destroyed – it was time for the hard sale.
"Roll up, roll up!" 'he' announced. "Be the last people to buy a fun-sized Crunchie bar before the end of the ship! Extra, extra: see all about it"
"No thanks, we're in a hurry." A woman said as the voice that sounded familiar stopped mid-sentence. The combined footsteps – four humans and a mechanoid – went past.
"Drifter? Mars bar? Banana milkshake!" Klig called out desperately.
"Lissen bud…" an American voice said. "The lady said we don't want nothin', so we don't want nothin'." Suddenly his voice changed to a whisper. "Ya got any of those coconut things, covered in chocolate"
"Dark or milk?" Klig asked, his voice matching the man's pitch.
"Which one can I get for 32 pennycents and an old button?" the man said hesitantly.
Klig checks his totals, trying to find out if he can take a 1 pennycent loss due to short-changing officers through the day. He finds that the man who stole that choccy-nut bar yesterday has left him still down by 26 pennycents. "Sorry, you need another pennycent." Klig states.
"Aww come on, man… I'm desperate…" the man pleads.
"Nope"
"Y'can't hold out on me… I need my fix"
"You don't have the cash, I can't give you anything." Klig says defiantly.
The man hisses slightly. "Fine… This 'mirror universe' Red Dwarf'll probably give me free chocolate, anyhow…" he says, storming off to join his fellows.
Cat enters the Captains Recovery room and see's Kryten has put together the device they brought with them. "S'what's this thing do, anyhow?" he asks anyone. Someone said 'opens a portal into a mirror universe, which will allow us to discover a cure for the ship's horrible ailment.' All Cat heard was 'mirror universe' - causing him to think of a universe covered in mirrors where he can spend the rest of his existance looking at himself.
"This device means we can leave this ship, get a cure for the chameleonic microbe, then come back and cure Red Dwarf." Kochanski explains.
"But how? What's in the other universe?" Cat asks, still confused.
"We are. But opposite." Lister chimes in.
Cat thinks for a moment, images of everyone walking on their hands coming to mind. "Well it's a good thing I'm wearin' this suit…" he says with a shrug.
"It's ready…" Kryten says, about the machine he has been fine-tuning. "If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't know until we get there." He explains. What do to at that point, and how to overcome it, is something he still has to compute.
Lister turns to Rimmer, whom is holding the glass vial of chameleonic microbes, and gestures at the mirror. Rimmer, apprehensive about what may happen if he's half-way through and the device goes kaput, decides that the first one through is less dangerous than being the last one through, so takes the first step. He disappears through the shimmering mirror, seconds before the machine lets out a loud crack - sparks flying from it.
"It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer!" Kryten cries out, the panic at potentially killing one of his friends being massive on his systems.
"At last, things are looking up!" Cat says, smiling widely. 'At last!' he thinks 'No more living alphabet head to ruin things'
"How long's it going to take to fix that thing?" Lister asks, worried for his newly resurrected crewmate and the cure for Red Dwarf's ailment.
"Well, best guess, about twenty minutes." Kryten estimates. He was aware there may be some problems, with having to kitbash this thing together in as little time as possible from theories and experimental machines.
As-if to prompt them on their way, the television beside them falls over, the stand eaten away by the virus – a sharp bang ringing out as the power lead is yanked out of the appliance.
"I think that's our cue…" Kochanski says, suddenly very aware of the ship disintegrating around them. "Sounds like the Get-out-of-here-quick samba"
"Really?" Cat asks. "Sounds to me it's more like the waltz"
Kochanski glares at Cat, as Kryten makes the fixes to the machine and activates it. "We should go now sirs. Ma'am." He suggests, herding the trio towards the now-open portal.
Now alone, Klig sighs softly, 'his' lights dimming as he doesn't have to looks as prominent to entice anyone to buy confectionary. Now that there's no human aboard ship. Again. There was a distant explosion, signalling the eradication of the newly made quark matter-antimatter power core – the back up diesel power decks kicking in instantly. A few seconds later, there were closer noises. Human noises. Klig lit up his displays, hoping that imminent destruction will purge the human's wallet – as well as their bowels.
"The antidote! I did it!" comes a voice, through the door and down the corridor, audible even over the steam and rending of metal sounding out throughout the deck. Klig remembers the voice - the one who stole a chocolate bar from him.
Rimmer rushes out into the corridor, blasts of steam hiss out at him in the smoke-filled air. The ship is trembling from the strain wrought by the biological terror eating away at her, the sound of twisting metal resounding through the air. He walks down the corridor, looking around. "Wha - Where is everyone?" he asks, half passing the question to Klig.
"They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe." Klig explains, having heard the conversations in the recovery ward less than 5 minutes ago. "You're the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I suppose that makes you Captain - congratulations, Cap." He adds sarcastically.
"Smeg off!" Rimmer snaps viciously. It's bad enough these could be his last few minutes of breathable air, without the vending machines making the worst of his life until then. Finally a position of power… And nothing to do about it. He rushes back into the recovery room, looking at the mirror. The shimmer is gone, the laser going from the machine isn't there… He glances at the machine, seeing a half-melted mess, the microbe obviously having reached the machine. He stares at the single-word worth of formula on his piece of paper, and dashes back out into the corridor, managing to get out of there just as something in the recovery room breaks out in flames, fire almost chasing him from the room.
Klig pulls the human up short as he is about to pass. "Where are you going?" 'he' asks.
"To make up a formula!" Rimmer almost squeals at Klig, waving the piece of paper at the machine he assumes is a him, also.
"I think you'll find that the formula on that paper has now turned into the formula for the virus, because you've left the mirror universe, so it's turned back into its opposite - ha ha ha haa haaaa!" Klig berates Rimmer, happy at the small measure of revenge gained from actually paying attention to the human's earlier.
Rimmer stares at the garbled formula on the paper as the thick smoke, rolling in from the fire in the recovery room, begins to obscure everything. "Smeg, you're right!" he agrees, finally realising his mistake. "This is a disaster"
"No, there still could be a happy ending"
"How"
"You know that chocolate bar you still owe me for? You could always pay me back before you snuff it"
"How's that a happy ending"
"Well, its a happy ending for me. At least my totals will tally"
"Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!" Rimmer exclaims loudly at the vending machine that is annoying him. Suddenly, Kryten's machine explodes, adding more fuel to the fierce fire in the recovery room. Rimmer runs down an adjacent corridor for cover, thinking about how to get out of this mess.
"Every dog has its day," Klig says to itself, loading a can of fizzy pop into it's dispenser and aiming down the adjacent corridor. "and today's the day..." it says, fireing the drink at high speed. HE crosses his circuits that it finds it's mark, hearing the thud of metal on human skull before a sound much as he thought a human hitting the deck in partial consciousness would. "...that I'm the dog!" he finishes in triumph.
Stunned by the abrupt pain, Rimmer forces himself to his hands and knees, the gathering fire and heat becoming nearly unbearable. He holds up his strip of paper, everything seeming to move in slow motion. Fire makes its way up the paper, making the first part of it unreadable. "Smeg..." he says softly, watching his last vestige of escape drifting away. His hand goes limp, letting the piece of paper drop to the floor.
A foot, wearing a brown open-toed sandal, crushes out the flames devouring the paper, being joined milliseconds later by another foot. Rimmer follows the foot, up the robe-covered leg, up a completely obscured body. The robes seem to be catching a gust of wind and distanced from the heat and flames surrounding the deck. The figure carries a long pole, to which is attached a long, curved blade. The Grim Reaper, Death.
"Arnold Judas Rimmer." Death voice proclaims. "Your life is over. Come with me." He says, holding a hand out to help the stricken man to his feet. "We will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin in the "
"Not today, matey!" Rimmer says, zest back in his voice, as he places his knee solidly in Death's groin. He watches the Reaper Of Souls drop to the floor before stating "Remember: 'only the good die young'." With increased vigour, he makes a run for it, off down the corridor.
"That's never happened before..." Death says, holding his injury.
Rimmer runs – not caring where he is going. Most of the signs are charred, showing only the Esperanto parts: which would confuse Rimmer even more if he troubled to read them. Before he knows it, he's back at his old quarters which – from the dust on the surfaces - have been ignored whilst he's been serving his sentence. He gets his old boxing gloves out of a case underneath his bunk and puts them on. It's been a while since he's worn these – before Lister became his bunkmate and he didn't want to look a pansy in his sleep, in fact – but damnit, he was going to put up a fight against the Grim Reaper.
"I should aim high." he wonders aloud to himself. "He'll probably be wearing a cup from now on"
"Bet your life on it." An ominous voice declares before the Grim Reaper comes into the quarters. Slowly, he raises, then lowers a hand – hidden beneath his cloak – and taps his crotch, resulting in a solid noise – a sports cup.
Rimmer is stood, shaking and sweating. Before, he had a clear idea of his escape plan - beat up Death and leg-it. But, filled with dread, he isn't getting out of the quarters. He has a sudden burst of inspiration, something the Reaper just said. "Alright, I will." He says, his voice shaking. "I'll bet my life. A game of skill"
The Reaper seems to consider the request for a few seconds before nodding his entire upper-body forwards. "I accept the challenge." Booms his voice.
"If… I win, I live. If you win… I'll go with you." Rimmer says before quickly carrying on. "The game I choose is"
"Risk." The Reaper interrupts.
Rimmer stops himself from smiling, just nodding in acceptance.
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Well, that's a long chapter worth of re-cap - but from here on out, there's new stuff. I have most of the next chapter written already, I'm just finishing it up.
I wrote this as a result in there possibly never being a Red Dwarf film. I didn't want events as I saw them to be lost forever...