Chapter 1: A Christmas Carol

(To the tune of 'Ding Dong Merrily on High')

"Dildos! I'm so very high,
Come ladies, my bell need ringing!
Dildos! Don't compare to mine!
Come ladies, I'll have you singing:
Awash! Aaaagh aagh aagh aagh aagh aaaaaaaaaagh! Oh oh oh oh oh ooooooooooooooh! Oh me oh my YES BA- A- ABY! My penis is AMAZING!" Jack bellowed proudly around the halls of his Tortugan home,

"Wow Jack, umm, lovely!" Arabella clapped, coming in through the front door unexpectedly, "That was beautiful... How can you do that in your own home? Ever heard of something called shame?"

"Teague's not here right now. If only he knew..."

"Where did you learn that?"

"I didn't. I wrote it! And it's all true! Arabella," Jack did his sexiest paedophile look, "Would you like to do some... "singing"?"

"I'm going..." Arabella said, backing away as Jack rape-walked her. "It's a shame; I'd brought mistletoe. And you're present!"

Jack switched from paedophile to puppy dog, "I'm sorry. I loveses you!"

"Awww... Merry Christmas!" Arabella laughed, taking the mistletoe from behind her back and holding it out in front of her. Jack kissed her festively.

"Mmm, spicy!" Arabella said. "Now it's time for your present!" she held out a small, parcel.

"What is it?" asked Jack excitedly, snatching at it. "Is it socks?"

"No... why, should it have been?"

Jack nodded, "I like socks. Socks make me happy..."

"Why don't you just open it and have a look?" Arabella asked through gritted teeth, Jack rolled his eyes, and smiled at her, he pulled off the paper to find a well and cushioned dagger,

"Bells...That is awesome!" Jack said well and truly chuffed, "I guess I should give you yours?" Arabella failed to hold back her excited-ness as made her hands into a saucer shape reader to receive the gift, she nodded eagerly, Jack produced a small square box package and put it into her hands,

"There you go." He said simply, "Be warned, Diego helped me choose it." She ripped open the packaging, almost psychotically; Jack stepped back ever so slightly terrified, eventually, Arabella found her way into a blue box, she opened it to find a silver charm bracelet with four charms, A Bird (Presumably a sparrow.), a small boat, a heart and...a rum Tankard,

"The sparrow represents me," Jack said, grinning, obviously chuffed. "The heart represents your love for me, the boat represents all the wonderful times we've spent together and all the memories we share, and the beer tankard is to represent you."

Arabella was speechless in her wrath. Then: "All I am to you is a BEER TANKARD?!" she screeched, throwing the bracelet back in Jack's face.

"You... you don't like it?" Jack said, confused.

"I HATE it!" she screamed. "And I hate YOU, you self-absorbed, immature DRUNKARD!"

"Oh." Jack felt a lump rise in his throat.

Arabella glared at him for several minutes without speaking. The atmosphere grew unbearably tense.

"Dildos! I'm so very high," Jack began to sing, desperate to diffuse the awkwardness. "Come ladies... my bell needs... ringing." Jack stopped.

Arabella slapped him so hard he reeled over onto the floor and stormed out of the house, leaving the bracelet, forgotten, upon the floor, next to Jack.