So this story is a reaction to Aaron's sudden ability to stop hurting himself. I know he told Paddy a version of the truth but he's still hiding and covering up and so surely he would still be blaming himself?
This isn't a nice little love story - I have been told that some people enjoy the more 'toxic' side to Robron. So do I and is the reason I am so invested.
This one is dedicated to irisnsc. Thank you for my lovely message.
The obscuring steam ebbs and flows, slowly receding to reveal the four walls of the room. Condensation cocoons him within the shower cubicle and he takes a moment, breathless, weak and knees shaking slightly. But it's Ok, this will pass. It always does. He doesn't take too long afterwards, Aaron never has. Once the showering is finished he won't even pause long enough to check his reflection. The towel comes out, the stupid plastic sleeve protecting his leg cast from water is removed. His body dried quickly and then clothes thrown on, ready to leave. All this necessary, as much as armour is to a soldier.
"Not easy showering with your leg in that thing, huh?"
It's not far to his room, ten feet if that, all Aaron wants to do is enter quickly. "Get out of the way."
And here Robert is, towel around his slim waist, wash bag in hand, body casually blocking the route. He uses the smallest towel possible, barely concealing, and perfectly contrasted to Aaron's over sized t-shirt and baggy tracksuit bottoms.
"We need to talk."
Robert always uses the smallest towel. And all the while he enters the bathroom slowing and exits slower. That short walk back across the landing is hesitant and always pausing to call out to Diane or because he has seemingly forgotten something. Aaron always hears the footsteps, feels him through the walls of his bedroom. Can picture where fat droplets have ran a course down his body. He knows Robert barely dries himself before leaving the bathroom, knows that his hair will glisten still and his skin will be as bright as it is moist. He knows this because he has had this.
He's had showers interrupted at Home Farm as Robert's form has joined his own. He's had space invaded as Robert's kissed his neck, water running all around them. He's had their fingers entwined as Robert's entered him, their bodies sliding together. He's had Robert laughing at him, refusing to hand over a towel. And he's had Robert, wet and heavy, bodies soaking Roberts and Chrissie's bed, hair dripping onto the sheets and slightly chilled skin warming as they fucked and kissed and made love.
There are things Aaron has had and things that he wants to have forever. Like running into Robert in the hallway. Like Robert and himself sleeping, living and breathing under the same roof. Aaron keeps low and maintains speed. Target insight. His bedroom.
"You look like a lobster."
"Yeah well…" his pause against the wall is as noticeable as his breathlessness "… bathrooms free."
"Not until we've talked."
"No."
"Why? Do you find my body to distracting, is that why you are so red?"
Why has Robert even had to move into the Woolpack? When will he and Chrissie make up as they inevitably will? Three weeks now, three weeks of anger. Three weeks of Robert saying the right things in completely the wrong tone. Three weeks of asking for Aaron's attention and yet fighting for Chrissie's.
"Get lost Robert."
He's not listening, because Robert never does. Instead moving into Aaron's space, spreading a palm against the wall next to Aaron's still bracing hand.
"Did you enjoy your shower?"
"None of your business."
"You know I listen Aaron, I hear you from inside my room. You are always so breathless. After every time you shower. And I see you, always so red. Why is that I wonder?"
From the pub gardens Aaron hears smokers gently chatting as they alternate between sipping their pint and taking a drag. He can't move, hand still against the wall, and head feeling light."
"Don't you have anything better to do than skulk around hallways."
"Not when you're in that hallway."
"You're pathetic."
"Oh that's right, here we go again. What's my line now… Oh yeah." Robert's searching mockingly. "Me pathetic? I'm not the one self-harming again."
"Fuck you."
"Oh you don't deny it then."
Aaron's learnt that denying anything to Robert is pointless. He knows that he's incapable even. For all Rob's original oblivion over Aaron's feelings towards him he's still always able to see when Aaron's in a mess. From that time he perched himself on the edge of the quarry to the moment he found Aaron puking behind some bins. Robert always sees.
Aaron's tired now, too tired to deal with the questions. He walks around Robert towards his bedroom.
"So are you also cutting again or just trying to give yourself third degree burns in the shower?"
"Leave me alone."
"No." Robert, currently faster and stronger than Aaron, prevents the door shutting in his face. He enters Aaron's bedroom. It's all Aaron can do but laugh. Only Robert would have the nerve to confront him in only a towel. Only Robert would have the upper hand standing in front of him virtually naked.
"Are you blistering?"
"Fuck you."
"Is your skin blistering?"
"No! The water's not that hot."
"But it does hurt doesn't it. It does cause pain- that's why you stand under burning hot water. That's why steam bellows out beneath the door."
Aaron has always been a self-harmer, although he hadn't really realised it until he physically started cutting. Punching his own stomach as a child. A drag of his knuckles over brick walls. That sharp point beneath the chair in his Dads house that he'd run his finger over. Deliberately not eating. Running. It was by his third run that Aaron realised this was just another form and he'd wanted to stop but was already consumed by the high and control it gave him. Showering is just another way, not newly discovered but now actively undertaken.
He's always been a self-harmer. Telling Paddy about Katie had done nothing really – the nature of the event wasn't quite how it had been explained. And so it went on. And when it all came out- because it will, these things always do, Aaron will just find a new way.
"Fine – yes. Yes I'm hurting myself. Yes." He slumps to his bed, broken leg stretched out, hands clasping in his lap. His shower has taken it out of him, his skin ringing. There may not be any blisters but Aaron knows he's never far off.
"Aaron." The mostly naked man drops to his knees in front of him. "What can I do?"
He's never been proud of his self-harming but now with so many people knowing he feels less need to hide it.
"Tell Andy the truth. Tell everyone."
Wide eyes meet his own.
"OK, I tell Andy and I tell Chrissie – not that it will make a difference to her – she won't talk to me anyway. And then what? You'll stop hurting yourself? You'll stop hurting yourself, you promise that do you? I'll ruin my future but at least you'll stop hurting yourself?"
Aaron pushes Robert, the older man just maintaining balance, towel loosening. "You're unbelievable. Every time I think you can't get any lower you manage to surprise me. How is it that you can still surprise me?"
"Well why should I lose everything, huh? So you'll never hurt yourself again? I don't think so Aaron – because that what you do. You hate yourself that much."
"I hate you."
"No you don't."
"Yes I do." Aaron pushes Robert again, harder. He stumbles and the towel falls to the ground.
"You hate me do you?" Hands spread out either side. He glances down to his naked body. "You don't ever want this again?"
This was all Aaron ever wants, always, all the time. His anger slips immediately replaced with grief. Because Robert caring and fighting over him is all he ever wants and yet barely get.
"I don't get you Robert. I'm not worth the hassle, you won't tell Chrissie, you just told me this. So why are you here?"
"Because I love you."
Aaron's snort sounds loudly.
"I don't know what to do Aaron. I can't do what you want but I can't cope with you hurting yourself."
"We've said all this before Robert."
"And I'll say it again and again and again."
They're stuck on repeat, a permanent loop with no end in sight. Robert is never going to choose him and Aaron will not give up the secret for fear of losing Robert all together. Because yeah, they fight and shout and ignore each other but at least this was something and Aaron knows this deep down, that he hasn't really let Robert go. Just because they no longer kiss and laugh and have sex it doesn't mean it is over. What had his Mum said – that there was a thin line between love and hate.
"Go have a shower, or get dressed. Whichever, just get out of my room."
Roberts reaching for that too stupidly small towel and wrapping it once again around those slim hips. Aaron's held those hips, and kissed them and that's all he wants to do now.
"I'm telling Chas you're still self-harming."
"No you won't."
"Yes I will."
"No you won't. Because if you do then she's gonna push me. And then I might just tell her the truth."
Robert's staring him out but not for long.
"If you do that then you'll never see me again. If me and Chrissie are over than I have no reason to stay."
Every day in some form or another Aaron wishes that he never met Robert. Hates the power that the older man has over him. Is sickened that he could lie so openly to his friends and family just to keep Robert in his life. And what was it about Robert? How had this snuck up on him? They were just fucking, lust coming from nothing but physical attractiveness. He doesn't even like Robert, has from the start understood what a manipulative, selfish and spiteful man he is. So how is it that he is so in love – how has this happened?
"It's up to you Aaron. Your choice."
"Why can't you leave me alone?"
"Because I love you."
Still on his knees in front of Aaron. Still almost naked. Still with all the power.
Slowly Robert's fingers reach up. They clasp Aaron's chin pulling Aaron towards him, closing the gap. Aaron would like to think he is physically weakened, that his almost blistered body has rendered him powerless. But he knows it isn't true and that his desires just give him one more reason to self-harm.
Robert kisses him tenderly.
"Next time you shower, we do it together."
Aaron doesn't protest.