Title background: When a turtle's shell breaks, it dies. If separated, it will die. It cannot survive without its' shell, as it is a part of its body, composed of its bones to protect it's vital organs.
Barry Allen was smart, or at least thats what his multiple college degrees said. His understanding of physics and forensics was above most people's including those he worked with. When other people were smart, he was brilliant. For fun, he'd watch history documentaries. He was truly one of a kind, and made from his experiences. On the surface he appeared to be a happy guy, loved science and was a total nerd. On a deeper level, everyone he was close to knew he struggled with his mother's death and his father's guilty verdict of the crime by the legal system. But there was more to him than that. There were things that effected him at his core, that no one knew, not even Iris. They were secrets he buried deep within himself, never to let out. Never to admit. After many years, the secrets started to wear him down, it weathered him to the bone, and there was a tired aching in his bones by the time he was 25. To add more to that, more secrets and struggles, it brought him to the edge, and thee were days he didn't know if he could bring himself back.
One small moment could set off a series of memories and flashbacks that would be remembered again. It would take ages to suppress again, and each time, it got more and more difficult to more past it. Sure he could, "forgive" and "forget", but even that wouldn't be dealing with the situation. One small moment, something that someone else would be okay with, brought Barry Allen to his knees. This time, he knew, his fight with his demons would be more difficult, as he was now balancing full time super hero and full time CCPD forensic analyst. He was tired, emotionally, mentally and physically, and only time would show whether or not he made it through his hell.
It all started on a Tuesday evening. He was in the precinct, taking some results to a detective. He'd seen him in the hallway and called out to him, "hey, I have your test results for the Charlotte Richardson case." The detective walked over, and said, "awesome, how's it going?" "its going, I've got to head back and finish the William's case and some fiber samples and I'm done for the day." Barry was only trying to be friendly and make conversation. The detective, who's name Barry couldn't remember, grinned and took the report from him, before awkwardly side hugging him and kissing the side of his head. Barry had not been expecting it, and flinched and tried to remain friendly.
"we'll I hope you find your bad guy, I gotta go finish the William's case or captain will be on my ass, again." He trying to be not awkward before practically running out of the office and up to his lab. Once in his lab, he shut the door and was trying to calm down. To anyone else, it may have been over stepping a line, and just being too friendly, but to Barry, he hated people touching him. Waking up at star labs, with people touching him and assessing him, it was definitely traumatic, but his issues came from further back than that.
Barry absentmindedly finished the report, and delivered it to the captain's office before finishing the fiber analysis. Once everything was done- it took several hours to do, he went home. He'd been contemplating moving back in with Joe, as his apartment was a literal death trap, but he liked having his own space, and there was no one there to complain or bitch at him for something.
Once in the confines of his apartment, he paced, trying to get all the emotions out of his head, trying to not drown in his feelings. The incident may have been uncomfortable for someone else, but to him, it was crossing a very large line, and he was very uncomfortable, he didn't know how to feel, and as he paced his place, memories from years back came through. Losing his appetite, he didn't even bother going into the kitchen area. He went straight to the bathroom. Turning the shower on, he made it as hot as it would go and waited for it to warm up. Memories began to resurface, and they flashed through his mind like a movie. Once the shower was ready, he got in. Letting the water run down his back, burning.
Silent sobs seeped out. Here he was, a grown man, remembering his mistakes and moments he wished he would never remember from when he was 15, crying in the shower of his shitty apartment. Scrubbing his body with a heavy hand, he was trying to make the feelings go away, to take the feeling's of the hands away.
By the time he actually got out of the shower, his skin was red and raw from the scrubbing and hot water. Despite how much he wanted to sleep, his mind was still moving, moving faster than his body- which was saying something, and he wanted it to stop. Grabbing clean clothes, he put them on and got in bed.
Despite how much he wanted it to stop, a memory took over, leaving him replaying it in his mind, feeling it all over again.
Barry Allen was 15 years old and definitely one of the unpopular kids at school. He was bullied, outcasted and pretty much only had one friend- Iris West, whom he lived with because her dad adopted him. He'd been living with them for four years now, and he was still struggling to adapt. Joe was strict, and was structured, which Barry needed, but didn't want to accept. Iris was a good kid, she did her homework, had a lot of friends and was involved in school activities. Barry wasn't like her. Sure he was involved in the science club, but he was so much smarter than he acted. He'd resulted in not turning his homework in, and ditching class on occasion. Iris thought it was because Tony- the kid who bullied him, but it was someone else. The kid's name was Caesar and he was the total opposite of Barry. Caesar was older, bigger and not in a muscular way, had anger issues, and came from a traditional Mexican family, but he was nothing like how his parents wanted him to be. He smoked weed, listened to metal music and had piercings.
The two polar opposite kids met in science class. Barry met him on a group project- which Barry did the entire project himself and wrote the other kid's name on it. Somehow they became friends. Maybe its because they both didn't feel at home in their homes, but they grew to be good friends, all while Iris didn't know. Soon Barry was listening to Caesar's music, not Iris's and being different. Caesar introduced Barry to his group of friends, and suddenly, he had friends and somewhere to be. They were all outcasts, but pretty friendly. Juan was the jokester of the group, always cracking jokes and doing stupid shit for laughs. Santiago, also a jokester was very loyal, and was someone you could call when in a bind, and he'd help you fight your way out. Joe was a total stoner, and very quiet. But when he was mad, he was the loudest person, and it was a huge change. Then there was Michael. He too was a jokester, but out of everyone, he had a future planned out for himself. He wanted more than what he had now.
Soon Barry was telling Joe and Iris he was going to work on projects with other kids when he was really sneaking off and going to abandoned places. They'd wander into old tunnels that were no longer used, sit around and talk. Sometimes they'd light one up and smoke. Barry didn't smoke but sometimes he wanted to try it.
For Santiago's 17th birthday, they threw a party. Barry asked Joe if he could spend the night at a friend's house for a project- he'd led Iris do it the week before. He reluctantly agreed, and Barry was no where near where Joe thought him to be. No, he was at Juan's house getting drunk for the first time. His first shot of alcohol was fireball. Soon he was throwing them back and getting royally pissed. When he woke up the next morning, he threw up in the bathroom, his head hurt bad and his body was sore.
Soon he was spending more time with his friends then doing homework, and his grades fell a little bit. Joe was glad he finally had a few friends, but Iris admitted she hadn't seen them with Barry, so she wasn't sure who they were.
At the end of the year, Barry had definitely changed. He was still very nerdy- which was how he presented himself, but underneath it, he thought he knew who he was, but he hadn't realized that Caesar was the one controlling everything. Over the summer, Barry was out and about more than he was home, and Joe wasn't super pleased about it. The kid was always ready to go see his dad every week, and was always behaving when he was around, but Joe wanted to know where he was going and who he was with. It led to an argument, to which Barry stormed out of the house and off to his friend's house. He returned a few hours later and wouldn't talk to Joe.
Over time, Barry got moodier, and angrier, and nearly difficult to deal with. Joe was at his wits end, and tried to send Barry back to therapy, which only drove Barry further away. Eventually, by the middle of his junior year, he had leveled back out, and Joe had no clue how or why, but was glad that Barry was back to normal.
Barry had been through a lot, but there were key moments with those friends of his that he wished he could take back more than anything.
He had only known Caesar for a few months when Caesar first kissed him. It freaked him out at first, but he had never been kissed before, and the other boy promised not to tell- he wasn't gay, just lonely. So Barry shrugged it off and let it go. It happened on another occasion, but this time, he wasn't really okay with it, but he went along with it anyways. Caesar had invited him to hang out, just them two. Barry figured what ever and went over to hang out. It started off normal, but soon Caesar was on top of him, kissing him. At first Barry was ok with it, it was just kissing, but the more into it Caesar got, the more Barry wanted to stop. Eventually they did stop, and Barry went home and cried in his closet. He didn't understand how he was feeling, or why he felt so gross and dirty afterwards. Iris had complained he'd been in the bathroom too long, but he'd been in there for an hour, brushing his teeth, trying to get Caesar off of him.
A while later, Caesar convinced him they should be friends with benefits. Barry wasn't entirely comfortable with it, but he didn't want to lose his friend group. He'd never had sex, never done anything and everything was so new to him. Caesar promised to take things slow, but Barry soon realized he didn't want to do things anymore. He didn't like when the other boy touched him inappropriately, or made sexual comments to him. Over time, he suppressed his emotions, and those feelings and stopped being himself. He hated himself for agreeing to do it, because part of him wanted it at first, but then he realized he didn't and it felt like it was too late to back out. The day Caesar said he was moving was the day Barry knew he could burry everything inside and never let it out.
The other boy moved to a different city, and Barry never saw him again. Later on, he found out that the boy had gone around saying he'd slept with Barry, and that Barry begged for it and was a slut. It broke him, but he buried it and told Iris is was a lie, and he didn't know why the kid was starting rumors.
The day Barry graduated from high school, he suppressed every bad thing and walked across the stage. It broke his heart that his dad couldn't watch, and his mom never got to see him grow up. Joe was proud of him, but he knew the day was difficult for the boy so he let him have his space.
When Barry said he was going to go to Star City for school, Joe knew he wouldn't win the argument. So when he drove Barry to Freshman orientation, he knew he was saying goodbye to the young man he'd raised, and hello to the adult that would stand in his place. It was hard to leave Barry there, but Joe promised he was always just a phone call away. Barry promised to call often and visit as much as he could, but he was excited to be venturing out on his own. No one here knew about his mother's death, or who he was. It was the fresh start he needed.
His roommate was nice, he was studying to be a doctor, and liked similar things to Barry. The room was small, but it worked. Barry's bed was lofted, his desk bellow, and a small 3 drawer dresser was to the side. His mini fridge fit perfectly in the space. Iris had taken a look at the room and decided on how he should decorate. She put up some lights under the bed, and a bean bag, giving Barry somewhere to sit and relax and have fun. He really liked what she did, and was appreciative.
The next few days in college were an adjustment period, but he loving it. He made a few friends, joined a few clubs and was having a good time, that is until his high school bully Tony showed up. Once again, Tony was making his life difficult. Everything changed the night Barry's roommate, Mike took him to a party. Barry, who had been sober for the last year and a half, never told anyone he had been a partier at one point- it was something that was locked away in his mind. Mike, who expected Barry to be a lightweight, was shocked that the dude was throwing them back like it was water- and was still good. What Barry wasn't expecting was one of the drinks to be drugged. After his 3rd cup of beer, two shots of tequila, and his 4 shots of jager, one of which was drugged, Barry wasn't okay. The last thing he remembered was feeling funny, and trying to find a bathroom to throw up in. When he woke up, he was back in his room- he'd somehow gotten back, but he felt really shitty- worse than any hangover he'd ever had. It took him 20 minutes to physically get out of bed, and once he did, he felt wrong. Going to the bathroom, he caught himself in the mirror. He had hickies all over his neck, bruises on his wrists, and he felt dirty.
It didn't take him long to realize what happened. Going back into the room, he grabbed his shower stuff and went to take a shower. Nearly two hours later, he came out with his skin red from scrubbing. His stomach felt like it was at his feet and his head still hurt. Crawling back into bed, after changing, he silently cried for the 3rd time today, into his pillow. He knew he should have reported it, but the shame he felt was too much. Guys don't get sexually assaulted by guys at parties. After that night, Barry became more withdrawn, and stopped calling Joe as much, and Skype calling Iris, claiming to be busy with homework. His grades were fine, he still proved to be brilliant, he just didn't talk about himself anymore.
When the school year ended, Barry didn't want to come home. So he decided to do a summer semester and live on campus. Iris was disappointed he wasn't coming home, but Barry didn't want to come home yet, he wasn't ready. By the end of the summer, Barry had suppressed what had happened, and acted as if everything was fine. When he eventually went home at Christmas, he seemed fine to Joe- different but ok. By the time Barry got back to school, he was ready for classes again. Mike- who was still his roommate had a hookup with a guy, meaning they could get whatever they wanted from the dude. So one Friday afternoon, Barry found himself sitting in a circle on the 3rd floor with some of Mike's other friends. They taught Barry how to lit the pipe, how to hold it and take a hit. By the end of the night, Barry decided he liked weed.
Between getting his homework done and his extracurriculars, Barry was smoking. It calmed him down, and took him out of his head. The one thing he hadn't ever thought of doing was cocaine, Santiago and Caesar did it back in the day, and Barry was never interested in it, but here he was, with Mike, cutting lines on the desk so that they could stay up and study for finals. When Barry did come home from school, he was a bit thinner, more quiet and always tired. The kid knew that living with a detective, and doing cocaine was not an option. The ache and want for coke was hard. It made him a bit moodier, he had the chills, and would be craving it for days. So he would substitute the coke for weed. He'd wait until Joe was at work, to go out, smoke and come home. He'd get rid of the smell and sleep all day. When Iris commented on how much he slept all the time, he wrote it off as catching up for all the missed sleep over the last year or so from school.
By the time school started again, Barry was aching for his freedom. Now a junior, he decided that by the end of the school year, he wanted to get his own place at the end of the school year. Mike, him and two other friends planned to all go in together and get an apartment. By that point, Barry was in deep with all the drugs, lies and secrets he hid from Joe. Over time he stopped smoking weed, and tried Xanax. When he was younger he had hated it, he wasn't crazy, but now, now he loved it. It made all the bad memories go away. He got skinnier, than before, and knew he had a real problem when one night, he nearly OD. It was terrifying- his friends hadn't been able to do much, and had to take him to the hospital, where they gave a fake name for him so that his dad wouldn't know.
The doctors had seen his self harm scars- most of them from when he was young, looked as fresh as the day he made them. There were a few newer ones, the ones after the party where he had tried to kill himself, but didn't succeed. The lines were faint on his wrist now, hard to see but in the right light they were visible. They held him for a few days as a precaution, made him eat and see a therapist which he adamantly refused. By the end of the few days, he had realized the severity of his problems and knew he needed to get help. He also knew that moving in with Mike, would keep him in his addictions. He'd never be able to get clean while living with addicts- Mike was a good guy, but his focus was no longer on school, it was on the drugs. So, he told Joe and Iris he was going on a school trip, but instead, he went to rehab.
It was a hard three months, he was bitter, angry, and craving the drugs, but he made it through. His decision to not move in with Mike worked out for the better- One of the kids that was going in on the apartment over dosed and died, and Mike was found out to be dealing and making drugs. By miracle, Joe didn't know about it.
By the time Barry finished school, he'd been clean and sober for two years- getting a masters was an extra year and a half, but it was well worth it. When he applied to CCPD, he knew he would have to go through intense screening, and they may ask if he ever did drugs, and he'd admit to weed in the first year of college, nothing more, nothing less.
Joe never found out about what Barry had done, and Barry had no plans of telling him.
Being the flash was cool, it was amazing, but sometimes it was a curse. He could never get drunk again, he couldn't get high, it wouldn't effect him because of his metabolism. But he also knew that if he didn't eat enough calories, his metabolism would slow, especially if he had been running. So he ran around the city several times, ran to Star City and back, and picked up some weed on the way, as well as some cocaine- in likelihood it would never work, and this would be a waste of time. So, as soon as he actually felt tired from running- he was running so fast and so far that it was depleting his energy reserves, he knew he'd possibly be able to get his experiment to work. Finally stoping at his apartment, he slowed down. He definitely felt really tired. Going up the stairs hurt since his muscles were so over worked, but he managed. All the running really hadn't cleared his mind at all. So, he sat down in his room on the floor, lit up and smoked. He didn't feel anything at first, so he ran around the block a few times more, and then came up stairs. By then, he was so tired, and his stomach was aching for food, but he knew he couldn't give in. So after the hunger intensified, he lit it up again, and tried. After smoking the whole bowl, and all the weed he did have, he felt it slightly. It was an old, familiar feeling. It'd been almost 4 years since he touched any drug. With it hitting him, he hit a line of coke, and expected nothing to happen, but for a literal 5 seconds, it was the greatest high he'd ever felt.
He kept going and going until he was out of drugs completely. By morning, he was exhausted, and hungry. But, he knew that if he ate, he wouldn't be able to get high again. So, he 'forgot' breakfast, worked through lunch and dinner, and went home to his lonely apartment, where for the first time in years, he got truly high. The following morning was hell, his body ached from being overworked and underfed. When he got a Flash call, he ran over, saved the people, went home and nearly collapsed. He ripped off his suit, cut a line, and relaxed for he first time in what felt like a while. When the high ended, and he was on the crash, he felt more depressed than ever before. Here he was, a 28 year old man, a super hero, unable to get high, pushing himself to the extremes because he needed to feel out of his head, and out of his memories. It was pathetic. With the habitual drug use coming into being habit again, so did the other things Barry did, like become closed off, angry, bitter, and depressed. He'd turned to self harming in the episodes after crashing from the high. At some point, he'd turned to self harming during the high. He was going too far, he knew it but wouldn't accept it.
It'd been two weeks since he'd gone into STAR labs. He'd been avoiding it. They'd know instantly. His weight was a dead give away. He almost wanted to laugh when people said he looked good- he'd lost a little weight and it had made his features even more defined. If they knew that almost every bone in his upper body was nearly visible, they'd freak out. He became a walking skeleton, his body was eating its self to meet its needs, and Barry stopped caring. Barry was lucky- Joe had been sent to another city to work on a case- which had so far taken two weeks, and would remain there until it was complete. He was feeling shittier and shittier as time progressed. He ate what would be barely enough for a normal person, let alone for someone with his metabolism.
By the third week of his drug endeavors, Caitlin had called him and demanded he come into STAR labs. So doing anything and everything he could think of to appear normal to her, he gorged out on food the night before he was supposed to go and see her. He knew the drugs would already be out of his system, he just needed to put on some weight- enough to where she wouldn't be suspect to it.
He'd eaten all the calorie bars he had stashed in his apartment, at work in his lab and at Joe's. He then ate 25 cheeseburgers, and several milkshakes. It wasn't doing anything. His stomach was killing him however. So he gave up, drank alcohol despite it not doing anything for him, and fell asleep to a restless sleep.
Walking into the lab the following morning was nerve racking. Barry knew Caitlin would accuse him of starving himself, but he'd claim he'd been over working, and under eating. So when she took one look at him, and demanded he undergo a physical, he was irritated. She made him sit on the hospital bed as she examined him fully. His heart sounded fine, his breathing was ok, and everything seemed okay. But when she looked up his nose, she noted some damage there, but unsure as to why. Barry knew, the cocaine, when used often would give you bloody noses, which at this point, he'd gotten used to. She wanted him to stand on the scale, and that's when his inevitable melt down happened.
"No." he told her.
"Barry, if you're losing weight and you're eating normally, there could be a serious issue."
"And I said no. And even if there was an issue, there's not shit you can do and you know it. Modern medicine doesn't apply to me, not even physics. So just let it go." He said with a lot of attitude. Cisco watched the whole thing go down, and knew there was something else going on, Barry seemed so un- Barry. He was acting defensive, and stand off-ish.
After storming out of the cortex, Barry went home where he cut multiple lines and was out on a bender of cocaine, alcohol and whatever else he could find to numb his pain. Meanwhile, Cisco comforted Caitlin and tried to reassure her that Barry was just having an off day and didn't mean any of it personally.
Joe called a little while later asking if they had seen or heard from Barry, because he hadn't heard from the kid since he'd left for the case in a different city. When they explained to him what happened, and how Barry looked like shit, he was concerned. Unfortunately he couldn't get away any time soon, but he would be finishing the case within the week.
For the next three days, Barry was high as a kite. He'd had the weekend off, and Monday was a holiday and he was one of the lucky few who'd been granted it off. Come Tuesday morning, he had a headache that was worse than any other he'd had before, his body ached, and he wanted nothing more to sleep. It didn't help that he was using so much now that when he came down, or started to go through withdrawal, he felt it bad. His hands shook, and with what little speed he had in him- his lack of food slowed him down far too much, left his hands trembling. The dark circles under his eyes showed the lack of sleep he'd been getting. By the middle of the day, he had to sneak off somewhere no one would find him so he could cut a few lines. It helped for a few minutes, but his headache only got worse. By the time it was time for him to leave, he was nearly nauseous from the pain. He spent twenty minutes dry heaving into his trashcan in the lab before he managed to make it out of the lab. He'd over estimated his capabilities at the moment, at when he looked at the stairs, he knew he was screwed. Pulling himself together, he got himself down the first set to where the landing was. As he started down the final set, his vision blurred, and he got insanely dizzy. He was aware he was about to fall, so he tried to brace himself, but he wasn't fast enough. His eyes rolled back in his head, and he dropped halfway in the middle, before tumbling down the last 6 ft of stairs, hitting his head, in the process.
Captain Singh was one of the few people left in the office. He'd walked out of his office just in time to see Allen slow in the middle of the stairs before his eyes rolled back and he fell down the stairs. Captain, along with a few other officers were instantly at Barry's side trying to see if he was conscious or not. Pulling out his phone, he called Joe.
"West, what hospital do I take Allen to? He fell down the stairs and he's out cold." Singh said.
"Take him to star labs, they're the only ones who can treat him. The lighting messed up his insides, and they're the only ones who understand him." Joe told him.
"Alright, I'll have him transported there."
"Ok. I'll call Dr. Snow and tell her you're on you're way so they can prep for him."
Singh hung up and then focused his attention on the young man in front of him. He looked like hell, he was skin and bone, he looked tired, and worn out. His heart rate was slow, it felt like they were losing him quickly, so Singh had him loaded up onto a backboard and transported quickly. He hoped the kid would be alright, he was one of the brightest CSI's he'd ever met.
A/n: This story is influenced by a few of my favorite writers, one being , and a few others that I can't remember anymore LOL, if I do, I'll add you to my note, this is also influenced by my life, and what I have lived. I will admit, I have never done cocaine- my friends have, and I saw what it did to them. I also have friends who do Xanax, and I see what it does to them. Some of the other parts, I have lived, and its one of the most difficult things to talk about. I wrote out some of it, trying to make sense of everything, from a distance so that I can heal and move forward. Obviously some stuff is made up, and I don't own anything, as usual.
I will say, that talking to someone helps, I wish I talked sooner. It ate me up, I fell apart, my hair fell out, and I over worked myself for nearly 3 years straight. Its now that I have started talking about it and allowing myself to process it. If you or someone you know is in a situation that is uncomfortable, please seek help, its okay to ask for help, there is no shame. I let it rip me apart until there was nothing left of me but a shell, and it was world rocking.