I'll Always Have You
Summary: Kerry/Smithy. Four years after her death and the pain still hasn't gone away, but can an old and special friend help him through the most difficult day of the year? Oneshot with lyrics from 'Tattoo' by Jordin Sparks.
Dale Smith barely registered the flirtatious smile the pretty girl behind the counter at the florist shop gave him. On any other day he would have welcome the attention, and probably returned it, but today was different. Today nothing mattered except that it was the four year anniversary of Kerry Young's death. It hurt him that no one else seemed to realise what day it was today. Relatively few people at the station remembered Kerry anyway and those that did would not be visiting her grave today. He took his change and stuffed it in his back pocket before picking up the bouquet of white lilies more carefully. He walked out of the shop unaware that the woman behind the counter was wishing he had bought the flowers for her. Getting as close to Kerry as was possible was the only thing Smithy wanted today.
He walked to the graveyard, the harsh October wind slicing through his jacket and the shirt underneath. He cursed as he buried his face into his scarf and continued to make his way towards Kerry's headstone. The graveyard was deserted today and Smithy felt a stab of loneliness in his gut as he approached where Kerry had been laid to rest. Tears pricked in the corners of Smithy's green eyes and he knew that, despite the cold wind, his tears came from a different place altogether. She may have been gone from his life for four years now but that didn't deaden the pain he felt now. The grief that threatened to overwhelm him was no less immense that what he had felt four years ago when Kerry had died in his arms outside the station. He swiped away a tear with the sleeve of his jacket and laid the beautiful bouquet of white lilies down on the grave, kneeling in front of it as he did so.
After fifteen minutes, Smithy pushed himself back up so he was standing, looking down at the words; words he still found difficult to believe. Even after all this time part of him still hadn't quite accepted that she was really gone from his life. She had been the only one for him and the only woman he had ever really loved; no one could ever replace or change that. He thought he had loved Louise Larson but in hindsight he could see that it was just because he was still broken hearted from losing his Kerry just when things had been about to fall into place for him.
"I love you," He whispered, turning away and wiping away from tears. He took a deep breath and felt drops of rain beginning to fall on his face, mingling with his tears. He knew he couldn't stay out here for much longer; he would freeze or catch pneumonia if he did. There was nowhere else he wanted to be though, no one else would understand what he was feeling today; no one at all. Suddenly it occurred to him and with a new sense of purpose; Smithy strode away from the graveyard and along a street that was very familiar to him. What he really needed now was the shoulder of an old friend to cry on and he knew precisely who he wanted that person to be.
When the doorbell rang, Gina Gold wasn't surprised; she knew perfectly well what day it was and who would be turning up today. She had found retirement quite easy to adjust to despite her love for the job she had just given up. The one thing she really did miss was her sergeant and close friend; Dale Smith and she knew they needed to make more of an effort to get together for beers and boxing matches. Gina unlocked the front door and found Smithy, as she had expected, waiting outside. He looked cold, his face glowing red from being out in the unforgiving wind and tears shining in those emerald green eyes of his. Just looking at him broke Gina's heart; she could see how much heartache he was going through and that she was powerless to stop him feeling this way. She hugged him tightly, leading him into her warm home.
"I thought it might be you," She said, smiling gently at him before going into the adjoining kitchen and putting the kettle onto boil.
"I'm sorry Gina; I just didn't want to go home yet." Smithy said, sinking down into an armchair.
He could hear Gina bustling about in the kitchen putting tea bags into mugs and pouring water over them.
"Don't be ridiculous Smithy, you don't need to apologise." She told him, in the same tone she had addressed young and inexperienced PCs. "I was hoping you'd come round today actually, I know this is a difficult time for you."
She came back into the room and handed Smithy a large, steaming mug of sweet tea. He took it gratefully and sipped at the hot liquid, he could almost feel it working its way through his veins and warming him up from the inside out. He leaned back into the chair and was glad that he had decided to come here.
"No one understands," He found himself saying later when they had moved from tea onto Scotch; neat. He hadn't intended on pouring his heart out but he trusted Gina, and there were things he really needed to get off his chest. "They think I should have moved on by now, but I can't. I've never loved anyone the way I loved Kerry, and I doubt I ever will."
Gina reached out and touched his hand. She and Kerry may not have always got on, to put it mildly, but she had known that the young woman had loved Smithy as much as he loved her. That much was obvious to her and it made this pain even more unbearable for Smithy.
"She's a part of you," She said. "As long as you continue to love her and remember her, she'll always be with you; she'll carry on living through you and your love for her." She told him, in a rare show of strong emotion.
Smithy nodded, staring into the depths of his drink, tears threatening to fall. "I miss her," He sighed.
"I know you do," Gina replied. "Come on; let me make a bed up for you on the sofa."
Smithy let Gina make up a bed for him, not bothering to resist. He didn't want to be home alone tonight anyway.
As Smithy finally fell asleep, he knew he would never forget Kerry; never stop loving her but he knew he could move on because she would always be with him. Gina watched him from the doorway as he slept, crossed the room and kissed his forehead. Smithy may not have had any choice about losing Kerry from his life, but Gina was determined that he would not have to lose her too; not yet anyway.