Because I'm Happy

by crematosis

Tony is having a really good day, until Loki shows up. And then it's an even better one.

A/N: I'm not entirely happy with how this turned out. It started as fluff and then quickly turned into unrepentant super-crack. Make of that what you will.

Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Marvel, the Princess Bride, or any of the other myriad things that are either subtly or blatantly referenced in this huge mess of...stuff.

Steve was making Tony a sandwich when Clint dropped in from the ceiling vent. By now he was used to such visits so he just nodded to the archer and spread another layer of mustard on the bread.

Clint reached for the jar of pickles and popped one in his mouth. "Does Stark really need another sandwich?"

"What? Did Tony actually make himself a sandwich? I'm shocked, totally shocked." Steve looked down at the half-made sandwich forlornly. Oh well. He'd just have to eat it himself.

"Oh, sorry," Clint said. "I thought you must've brought him lunch. He was singing in the lab."

Steve smiled fondly as he added an extra slice of bacon to Tony's sandwich. "Jarvis, show me Tony."

Jarvis pulled up footage from the lab. Tony was moving briskly, sweeping chunks of metal off his workspace as he belted out some song Steve had never heard.

"I believe in a thing called love. Just listen to the rhythm of my heart. There's a chance we could make it now. We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down. I believe in a thing called love. Guitar!" Tony kicked his desk chair out of the way and began playing the air guitar in the middle of the room.

Clint laughed. "On behalf of all of us, thanks for dating Tony. You bring out the delightfully dorky in him."

Steve shook his head. "I've got nothing to do with it this time. I haven't talked to him since last night."

"And it was a good night, right?"

"Well, yes."

They had gone out for a nice dinner and a movie. And then Tony had invited him up to his bedroom. Which had also been nice. Very, very nice.

"Get it, Steve," Clint said with a grin. "About time you got laid."

Steve rolled his eyes. "I've had sex before."

"Sure, sure," Clint said. But it was obvious he was no longer paying attention. He fiddled with his phone for a few seconds and then set it down on the counter.

It issued a loud burst of tinny music and then Natasha's voice cut in. "Sorry, Jane. I told him we'd be at the mall for a few hours, but you know he never listens."

"Hey, Tash," Clint said. "How's the shopping trip?"

"Clint, this better be important."

Clint laced his hands behind his head. "Steve and Tony are fucking."

"Took them long enough," she said.

Steve crossed his arms over his chest and glared.

Clint just smirked and leaned back against the counter. "You know, Tash. Now that all the sexual tension is gone, they ought to be in fantastic moods."

"Tony's singing, isn't he?"

"Like a bird."

She cursed. "I'll be home in an hour. Don't you dare say anything to piss him off before I get back."

Clint snickered and reached for the phone. "I should text Bruce. He'll won't want to miss this either."

Steve slapped the sandwich together and picked up the plate. "I'll leave you to your gossip then," he said. "Tony and I will have a nice afternoon to ourselves."

Clint waved the phone absently. "I'll be down in a second. You go ahead."

Steve snagged a water bottle out of the fridge and took the elevator down to Tony's lab. Jarvis helpfully opened the doors for him so he wouldn't accidentally drop anything.

By then, Tony had moved on to soldering some metal pipes together, but he put his project aside when Jarvis announced that he had a visitor.

His eyes lit up. "Steve! And you brought me a sandwich. My favorite." Tony took the plate from his hands and cradled it against his chest.

Steve raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know you liked sandwiches so much."

"Your sandwiches, anyway," Tony said. He took a large bite and waved the rest of the bread in the air as he spoke."Pretty much anything you make me is my favorite."

Steve was pretty sure he was grinning like an idiot now. Tony just had that effect on him.

Tony smiled and wrapped an arm around Steve's waist. "What would I do without you, Steve? You're the best." Tony jerked back and his eyes widened as if he had just been struck by an epiphany. "The best around. Hit it, Jarvis."

Steve was a little surprised when Tony dropped down into a fighting crouch. But Tony grinned playfully and motioned him closer as the song started playing. So Steve balled his hands into fists and got into position.

Tony sang along with the music, casually throwing punches that Steve easily dodged."Try to believe though the going gets rough that you gotta hang tough to make it."

Huh. He had been pestering Tony all week to come sparring with him. Apparently all he had to do was put on music and Tony would have come willingly. He'd have to remember that for next time.

"Fight til the end 'cause your life will depend on the strength that you have inside you."

This was actually a lot of fun. And sparring was just like dancing, in a way. The only dancing Steve was any good at.

Tony scrambled on top of one of the the tables, one hand held high in the air. "Fight til you drop. Never stop. Can't give up. Til you reach the top."

He launched himself off the table. Steve caught him and swung him around in a wide circle. They were both laughing as the song faded away.

"When did this turn into a shitty eighties movie?" Clint asked.

"Hey, the Karate Kid is not a shitty movie," Tony said indignantly. "You take that back or I'll start sticking bombs up in the vents."

Clint coughed. "Did I say shitty? I meant sappy. All full of gooey romance and happy endings. That sort of thing."

Tony shrugged. "I like those movies. Where the two lovers end up happily ever after." He leaned his head against Steve's chest.

Clint sighed. "Of course you do. You two are the biggest saps I know. But, really. You two need to move on from the Disney movies if you ever want a sex life."

Tony crossed his arms over his chest. "But we do have a sex life. I could tell you all about it."

Clint raised an eyebrow. "I'm listening."

"I'm.." Tony took a deep breath. "Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you."

"Fuck!" Clint shouted. "I'm going to kill you."

Tony cackled madly and raced around the lab with Clint in close pursuit. Steve grabbed both Tony and Clint by the arms and held them a distance apart. "Do you want to tell me why you want to kill Tony?"

"He rick rolled me," Clint said, as if that explained everything.

"He did what?"

"That song he was singing."

"It seems like a perfectly nice song to me," Steve said. "I don't get why it would upset you."

Clint sighed. "Add rick rolling to your future list."

"Okay," Steve said. He dutifully scribbled it at the bottom of the list.

Clint slumped down against the wall and eyed Tony with mild distaste. Very few people had the energy to stay furious with Tony for long. It inevitably faded to long-suffering exasperation."You're a bastard, Tony. I hope you know that."

"Oh, come on. It was fun. Have you ever been rick rolled in person before?"

:Clint blinked. "No," he admitted. "That's...huh." He shook his head. "Only you, Stark."

Tony pumped a fist in the air. "Yes! I'm the best, the best around. Nothing's gonna ever bring me down."

"Oh, come on," said Clint. "Don't do another round of that stupid song. Let's go bowling or something."

"Sure," Tony said. "Bruce is around here somewhere. We can play teams. The scientists and the, uh...action guys."

Clint pulled out his phone. "Bruce, meet us in the bowling alley. Yeah, the one below the gym. No, he's not going to cheat this time. He's in a fantastic mood. He and Steve had sex last night."

Tony waved his hands above his head. "I just had sex and it felt so good. I let Steve put his penis inside of me."

"I'm pretty sure that's not how the song goes."

"Well, that's how it went. So suck it, Barton."

Clint grimaced. "I would rather not."

"Yeah, yeah. So I know it's the other way around in the song. But I wanted Steve to fuck me. And it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't wanted it. Because trust me, Steve's a big boy. I'm going to be walking funny for awhile until my ass gets used to it."

Steve buried his face in his hands. "Tony, why would you say something like that?"

"Oh god. Steve, I didn't mean it like that," Tony said hastily. "Your penis is absolutely perfect. It's not freakishly gigantic or anything. You're big and muscly and so is your-okay, what the hell's so funny, Barton?"

Clint was collapsed against the counter, howling with laughter. "Oh my god, Tony. You're the fucking best," he gasped out. "Don't ever change."

"Uh, okay," Tony said doubtfully.

At that moment, Bruce wandered into the lab. "Tony, have you seen my tennis shoes? I think I left them down here yesterday."

"Nope," Tony said. "But, oh, speaking of freakishly giant dicks, how big is the Hulk's?"

Bruce made a face. "Do I really want to know how we got to this point?"

"No," Steve said. "You don't."

Bruce sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Tony, there are some discoveries science just isn't ready for."

"That big, eh? So, have you ever thought about-"

"Hey," Clint said. "Are we going bowling or not?"

"Right. Bowling. Follow me." Tony bounded upstairs, taking the stairs two at a time.

Steve had never been more grateful that Clint had talked Tony into installing a bowling alley in the Tower. Tony had complained that superheroes were too tough for bowling and no one would use it, but everyone was eager for a fun activity in their down time. Sure, Thor usually threw his bowling ball like a discus, but Tony had designed the place and it had lasted through six months of weekly bowling tournaments.

Tony stepped up to the line on the far lane. "Come on, Bruce. We need a rousing team chant," he said. "Something science-y. Oh, I know! Now the points of data make a beautiful line. And we're out of beta. We're releasing on time."

"Good lord," Clint said. "I didn't know they made boring business songs."

Tony glared at him. "Look at me still talking while there's science to do. When I look out there, it makes me glad I'm not you. I've experiments to run. There is research to be done on the people who are still alive."

"Never mind," Clint said. "That went straight to crazytown. So, sure, perfect team song."

Tony grinned and cradled a bowling ball to his chest. His eyes narrowed in concentration and then he hurled the bowling ball towards the pins. Seven of them immediately toppled over and the other two wobbled precariously. Tony stood on one leg, his head leaning to one side. "Come on, come on. Fall."

With one final sway, the remaining pins toppled to the ground.

"Strike," Jarvis announced.

"Yes! High five, Bruce. We're winning, we're winning." He spun in a circle and shook his hips like a hula dancer.

"Don't you ever do that again," Clint said. "I don't want your ass in my face."

"Why not? My ass is fantastic."

"For Steve, maybe. Not for me."

"Right. You'd rather see Coulson's or Natasha's...wait, who are you dating again?"

"It's a secret."

"That's fine. I'll just hack into SHIELD's files later. Steve, remind me to-"

"No, Tony. No hacking."

"Uh, whose turn is it?" Bruce asked.

"Mine," Clint said. He snatched up his ball and stepped resolutely up to the line. "You're going down, Stark."

Right as Clint leaned forward, there was a loud explosion and the room began to fill with green smoke. Everyone started coughing and waving their hands in front of their faces.

"Tony, what did you do this time?"

"It wasn't me," Tony protested.

"No, it was me," a familiar voice purred.

Steve tensed as Loki stepped into the room. His shield was, regrettably, still in his bedroom. "How did you get in here?"

"Oh, it was easy. All too easy." With a wave of his hand, Loki gathered the smoke back up into his sleeves.

"Dude," Tony said. "Thanks for the cosmic bowling experience and everything, but you still can't play with us. The teams would be uneven."

Loki's eyes darkened. "I know it's been awhile," he said. "So let me refresh your memory. I am Loki, warrior of-"

"I know exactly who you are," Tony said. "I still owe you a drink, don't I?"

"Tasha, get back here," Clint said urgently into his phone. "Loki just broke into the Tower."

"Now that's more like it," Loki said. "He always was my favorite minion."

"Yeah," Tony said. "I definitely owe you a drink."

"I heard you the first time, Stark," Loki snapped. "And I am not in the mood to drink the sludge your people consider liquor. I have business to attend to and you are but a trifling annoyance along the way."

"Ah," Tony said. "Got it. No drinking on the job. Most people don't get wasted off one drink, but I guess you can't be too careful in the supervillian business. Especially with your delicate constitution."

Loki's eyes narrowed. "One more word, Stark, and I will show you exactly how delicate I am."

"Great," Tony said with a bright, unconcerned smile. "I knew you were stronger than that." He patted Loki's arm. "I'll pour you a drink. Hell, I'll pour everyone drinks. To the kitchen, everybody!"

Loki blinked, seemingly baffled by the turn of events. But he composed himself quickly, his face deepening into a scowl. "You're trying to distract me, aren't you? Well, it's not going to work. I will accept your pathetic offer of a drink and then I shall be on my way before your redhaired woman even arrives."

"Oh, Nat?" Tony waved a hand absently. "I don't know what good she'd do all by herself." He tipped his head to one side. "You're not worried about her, are you? Wow. I mean, she is pretty awesome and all, but I didn't think you'd want to run away just because-"

"I'm not running from anything!" Loki shouted. "I am a very busy man and I don't have time to waste talking with idiots."

"Oh, absolutely," Tony said. "Jarvis, elevator. Loki's in a hurry."

The elevator doors slid open. Tony trooped in first, followed swiftly by Loki. Steve stepped in between the two of them. It didn't look like Loki was going to attack at the moment, but he wanted to be by Tony's side just in case. Clint followed after a moment's pause, backing into a corner of the elevator as far from Loki as possible. They all looked expectantly at Bruce.

"I, uh, I'll catch the next one," Bruce mumbled. "Or better yet, the stairs."

Tony shrugged. "Suit yourself. Up, up and away, J."

The elevator ride lasted mere seconds, but those were probably some of the tensest seconds of Steve's life. He and Clint spent the ride up to the kitchen carefully watching Loki in case he made any sudden moves. Loki just grinned, obviously relishing the attention.

As soon as the doors opened, Tony dashed out, dragging Loki behind him. "Jesus, I have no idea what to make you. I don't know what you like to drink. Mead, probably. That's all Thor talks about."

Loki yanked his wrist out of Tony's grip. "Don't talk to me about my brother."

"No problem. You're your own man. No reason to drink what your brother drinks. So I'll make you up something he'd never touch." Tony bustled around the kitchen, pulling bottles out of the cabinets. He uncorked one bottle, sniffed it, and held it out to Loki. "Take a little swig of this and tell me what you think."

Loki took a sip and grimaced. "What is this stuff? It's more disgusting than I imagined."

"Vodka. Made by the Russians, some of the toughest people on Earth." Tony shrugged and set the bottle aside. "Maybe a little too strong for your tastes. You're probably more of a fruity umbrella drink guy."

Loki snatched the bottle back and took another large gulp. "Don't be ridiculous, Stark. This is like water compared to Asgardian mead. Sewer water, considering the foul taste." He dropped the empty bottle back on the counter. "There. As I've said before, what you people consider alcohol is-"

Tony tipped the bottle to one side and peered at the label. "Oh, good. I've been meaning to finish this one off. I couldn't bring myself to drink the last few sips, but it's been taking up valuable cabinet space."

"Tony," Steve said. He knew full well that Tony liked drinking half a bottle at a time and he never left anything on the shelf for more than a month before demanding that the rest of the Avengers help him drink up his stash.

Tony shushed him. "Now, Loki, if you want to be all macho and prove to me that you're capable of drinking an entire bottle in one sitting, I can crack open a new bottle for you. But first, you have to try this."

Loki took a careful sip and his eyes immediately darkened. "Do you take me for a fool, Stark? This is water." The glass burst in a shower of green sparks and everyone ducked out of the way of the glass shards.

"Tony, can you stop antagonizing Loki?" Steve hissed. "You're going to get us all killed."

"I'm not antagonizing. I'm helping. I don't want him to end up with a massive hangover in the morning."

"I am a god," Loki growled. "I don't get hangovers. They are a pathetic mortal ailment. Now give me the bottle." He held out his hand imperiously.

"Okay then," Tony said. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

Steve sighed. He didn't think Tony had much of a plan besides delaying Loki until everyone else arrived. But he doubted Tony could keep Loki drinking for a whole hour. Loki was-

Loki slumped back against the cabinets, waving the bottle vaguely in the direction of the counter. "Not so bad after all," he murmured. "'S not bad at all."

Steve blinked at him a few times, unable to believe what he was seeing: Loki was drunk. Very, very drunk.

Tony cleared his throat and shot Steve a sheepish expression that barely covered the look of mingled pride and relief that Tony usually wore after executing a particularly risky maneuver in battle. So, this had been the plan from the start, Steve realized.

"I really hope you know what you're doing," he said. Loki was probably going to be pissed when he sobered up.

"Don't worry," Tony said. "I got this." He eased the bottle out of Loki's hand and downed the last swig. "You lucky boy, you drank up all the good stuff."

Loki grinned. "Got 'nymore?"

Tony held the bottle out of reach. "What's the magic word?"

"Varyeth," Loki said. The bottle appeared in his hand.

"Huh," Tony said. "I guess I should have seen that one coming."

Clint snickered. "Always thought the guy'd be an angry drunk, but he seems pretty harmless right now."

"It's Loki," Steve reminded them. "He's never harmless."

It was doubtful that Loki was only pretending to be drunk. The glassy-eyed expression and the bright flush across his pale cheeks were pretty good indicators that Loki's drunkenness wasn't an act. But he wouldn't put anything past Loki.

"So," Clint said. "Now that Loki's drunk off his ass, what's next?"

Tony shrugged. "Uh, take lots of pictures for blackmail purposes?"

Steve sighed. He should have known.

"And of course, turn him over to Thor to toss him back in the escape-proof dungeon in Asgard." Tony added quickly. He frowned. "The one that Loki has managed to escape from six times already. Geez, that's not a very good track record."

"Where is Thor anyway?" Steve asked.

"Hell if I know." Clint tapped at his phone. "I've been trying to call him and he's not answering. Do you think he went off shopping with the girls?"

"I think he's broken his phone," Tony muttered. He had yet to design a phone that Thor could keep intact for more than a month.

The elevator door slid open again and Bruce padded out. He took one look at Loki sprawled halfway across the kitchen counter and shook his head. "I was afraid this would happen."

"It's fine," Tony said. "Totally fine. Loki and I are going to have so much fun together. Right, Loki?"
"You're my favorite," Loki said. "But don't tell Thor. I don't want him to be sad."

Tony grinned. "Oh, yes. I am having so much fun with you."

Loki offered no protest as Tony tugged him towards the den. He probably had no idea what was going on at that point. He could barely even walk in a straight line. Tony actually had to keep him upright and keep him from stumbling into lamps and potted plants.

Steve flopped down on the couch. "So, what's the plan? How are we keeping Loki calm until everyone else shows up?"

"We could watch a movie," Bruce suggested. "Considering his level of intoxication, with any luck, he'll probably fall asleep."

"I like movies," Loki said. He slumped against Tony. "But no sad movies. Sad movies make me sad."

"Sad movies are boring," Tony said decisively. "And what kind of party would this be if we just watched sad movies. Nope, we can watch some stupid movies later. First, we have to do a round of karaoke."

"I don't want to sing," Loki protested as Tony attempted to haul him back off the couch.

"Oh yes you do. Everyone has to try drunken karaoke at least once. And you're happy, right? Then you need to sing the Happy Song."

Loki sighed and with obvious reluctance, allowed Tony to drag him into the center of the room.

"Hit it, J. Oh, I am really special cause there's only one of me. Look at my smile-"

"Wait, wait," Loki said. "You can't, you can't be special because there's you and then there's…" He squinted in Tony's direction. "Hold still. I'm trying to count."

Tony smiled. "Only one of me. I just get around a lot."

"And there's me," Loki said triumphantly.

"And there is definitely only one of you. You're a special, special snowflake."

Loki grinned. "I like being special."

"Let's take it from the top, J," Tony said. "I am really special cause there's only one of me. Look at my smile, I'm so damn happy. Other people are jealous of me. When I'm sad and lonely, I like to sing this song. It cheers me up and shows me that I won't be sad for long."

Steve shook his head. Tony had the strangest taste in music. But Loki seemed to be enjoying himself so he supposed that's all that mattered.

"Watch out all you mothers, I'm happy it's hardcore. Happy as a coupon for a twenty dollar whore." Tony cast Steve a sidelong look and laughed nervously. "Ehehehe."

Steve just rolled his eyes.

"I can't do this anymore," Loki said. "I think I'mma be sick."

"No, no," Tony said. "That's not until the next verse. Stay with me, Loki." He launched into a hurried rendition of the second verse. "These are my love handles and this is my spout. And if you tip me over then, momma says knock you out. I am special, I am happy, I am gonna heave." He patted Loki's shoulder. "Okay, you can throw up now."

"Oh, thank you," Loki said. He turned and vomited into a potted plant.

Clint grimaced. "Fucking disgusting."

Tony waved a hand dismissively. "I'll hose it off later," he said. "Now, Loki, are you feeling better?"

"Much better," Loki said with a vacant smile. "Happy as a coupon for a...for a kittens and puppies and froggies' baby teeth."

Tony shrugged. "Close enough."

"I am hungry though," Loki said with a slight frown. He rubbed his stomach. "It's weird. I don't get hungry after I….I did have lunch, right?"

"Drunken munchies," Tony said. "We can fix that."

"That's probably not a good idea," Bruce said. "He did just throw up."

"He's fine now. Or, well, he'll be fine by the time I finish cooking. Relax, Bruce. I did this all the time in college. No idea why, but I was always starving when I was drunk."

Bruce sighed. "Do what you want, Tony. But if he throws up again, you're cleaning it up."

Tony turned to Loki. "So, what do you want? Do you like waffles?"

Loki's eyes lit up. "You like waffles, too?" He threw his arms around Tony's neck. "You're my favorite."

Tony looked startled, but he patted Loki's shoulder. "Someone really, really likes waffles."

"There's a song about waffles," Loki said. "Cause waffles are amazing and they're, and they're….they've got these little holes in them, you know? And you can put syy…srr"

Tony's mouth twitched. "Syrup."

"Yeah. You can put syrup on them and it just stays in the little holes."

Tony barely suppressed a laugh. "Yeah, Loki, we know how waffles work."

"There's a song about waffles, you know. Cause waffles are-"

"Great," Tony said quickly. "Let's sing the waffle song. Do you like waffles?"

"Yeah, we like waffles," Loki said happily.

"Do you like pancakes?"

"Yeah, we like pancakes."

"Do you like French toast?"

"Yeah, we like French toast."

"Do do do do, can't wait to get a mouthful."

"Waffles! Waffles!" Loki cheered.

Steve shook his head. People made the silliest songs about the strangest things. An ode to waffles. What next, a song about shoes? He grimaced. There probably was, knowing his luck. And he would really rather not hear it.

Loki bounded into the kitchen after Tony. He was still spectacularly drunk, but luckily he wasn't swaying and practically falling over anymore. Or maybe unluckily was the better word. If Loki was starting to sober up, they'd have a pissed supervillain on their hands pretty soon.

"Don't look so glum, Steve," Tony said as he pulled out the waffle maker. "You can have waffles, too."

"It's not…not just that," he admitted. Tony was a surprisingly competent cook and everyone loved Tony's blueberry waffles. "It's just, are you sure this is a good idea?"

"It's a great idea," Tony said. "The best idea." He scooped two waffles onto a plate and pushed them across the counter to Loki. "Syrup and whipped cream?"

"Yes," Loki said with obvious delight. "You're my-"

"Favorite, yes I know." Tony beamed and turned to Steve with a proud look in his eyes. "Look at him. He's like an adorable little kid under all those layers of pride and hurt feelings and drama. And I, Tony Stark, have uncovered this with a little help from my friend, Russian Imperial Vodka."

Steve rolled his eyes. Of course Tony would know all about little kids. He was practically one himself. And Tony was enjoying Loki's drunken antics a little too much for Steve's tastes.

Loki hummed the waffle song to himself as he ate. There was a little whipped cream splattered across his cheeks like freckles. Drunken clumsiness, of course. Steve was exhausted just watching Loki try to get a bite into his mouth. But Loki was patiently persevering.

So, maybe drunk Loki was a lot more tolerable than sober Loki. He wasn't trying to kill anyone or destroy the city, at least. And maybe it was a little adorable that Loki had taken an immediate liking to Tony. But they couldn't keep him drunk forever.

Loki took the last bite of his waffle and wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand, smearing whipped cream across his face. "That was good," he said. "I know I said I hated Midgard, but how can I hate a place with waffles?"

"Now we're getting somewhere." Tony spread his arms expansively. "Guess what, guys, Loki doesn't hate us."

"Don't get your hopes up," Clint muttered. "He likes our food, not our people. Just you wait. Next time Loki tries to take over New York, he'll hold all the IHOPs hostage."

Tony put his hands over Loki's ears. "Shhh. Don't give him any ideas. Don't you know how suggestible he is right now? We want to use our powers for good, not evil."

Clint rolled his eyes. "Like Loki would ever take ideas from us. I'm sure he already has a list of complicated and bat-shit crazy ideas of his own."

Tony patted Loki's arm. "Don't listen to anything Clint says. He's a bad influence."

"Seems fair," Loki said. "I was a bad influence on him."

Clint huffed. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually starting to like the little bastard."

Loki slid out of his seat and ambled out of the kitchen.

"Hey," Tony said. "Where are you going?"

"I want to watch a movie now," Loki said. He stretched his arms over his head and yawned.

Tony looked vaguely offended. "Seriously? You can watch movies any damn time."

"Not here, though," Loki said. He dragged afghans and throw pillows off the couches and piled them in the corner of the room. "It's comfier here than in my-" Loki's eyes widened. "I'm not supposed to tell you where I live."

"Yeah, we get it," Tony said smugly. "We have our tower and you have your evil lair. Probably full of rocks and spike traps and-"

Loki flopped down in his pillows and rolled himself up in one of the blankets. "Nope. Goodnight."

"No, don't fall asleep yet," Tony said. "You're haven't been drinking enough."

"No more," Loki whined. "I don't want to be drunk forever."

"It's water. You don't want to get dehydrated, do you?"

Loki sighed and reached for the water glass Tony held out to him. He gulped it down and handed it back. "There. Now put on a movie. I want to sleep through it."

Tony decided on a movie called Octopussy. It sounded like terrible tentacle porn, but both Bruce and Clint assured Steve it wasn't as bad as it sounded.

They had just started the movie when Natasha kicked in the door, knives drawn. "Where's Loki?" she demanded.

Clint pointed to Loki's form sprawled in the corner. "Tony drank him into submission."

Tony grinned. "That's how you do it, kids. Turn your drinking problems into drinking possibilities."

She raised an eyebrow. "Are you drunk, too?"

"I'm not entirely sober. I couldn't let Loki have all the vodka, you understand."

She looked a little puzzled until Clint pulled her aside and whispered to her intently.

A slow smile spread across her face. "Devious, Stark. I like it."

Tony struck a pose with his hands on his hips. "Once again, the day is saved thanks to Iron Man."

"Good. I'll tell the others it's safe to come up." Natasha disappeared back down the elevator.

Clint flopped back down on the couch and put his feet up on the armrest. "Too bad. I really wanted to see the rest of Octopussy. It's a classic."

A few minutes later, Jane and Darcy emerged from the elevator. Jane gave Loki a wide berth and set her shopping bags on the far side of the couch. But Darcy immediately went over to Loki and giggled. "Look how flushed he is. It's kind of adorable, in a weird way."

"Where the hell is Thor?" Clint demanded, a slight edge of panic in his voice. "I thought he was with you girls."

"Oh, no," Darcy said. "He's up on the roof practicing his lightning bolts or whatever. I'll go get him." She threw open the door to the balcony and stuck her head outside. "Thor, get down here," she shouted upwards. "You'll really want to see this."

Steve was about to point out that the roof was still seven stories upwards and there was very little chance that Thor would hear her, but he was proven wrong by the loud thump of Thor touching down on the balcony.

"Ah," Thor said with a bright smile. "Your shopping excursion was fruitful? I am eager to see what you have procured from the mall."

"Later," Darcy said. She tugged at Thor's arm. "Your brother's wasted."

Thor chuckled. "He never could hold his liquor. There was one feast day when Fandral convinced Loki he was a bird and he attempted to fly from the tallest tower in Asgard." Thor's smile faltered just a little. "It was a good thing that Loki had his magic."

Tony stroked his goatee thoughtfully.

"No," Steve said. "We are not taking him to the top of the Tower."

"Why not? You heard Thor. His magic'll help him fly."

"Tony," Steve said sternly. "Loki is not a toy. We don't play around with this sort of thing."

Tony huffed and plopped down onto the floor beside Loki. "I know he's not a toy, but he's just so much fun." He looked imploringly up at Thor. "You don't have to take him back, yet, right?"

"You are free to enjoy his company if you wish, but I assure you, Loki will be most unpleasant when he wakes up with a hangover."

Tony grinned wickedly. "So he does get hangovers." He nudged Loki. "You lying little bastard."

"I don't," Loki said. "I have magic." He wiggled his fingers. "Maaaaaaagic."

"Loki has perfected a spell that allows him to drink as much as he wishes without ever getting drunk and without feeling any of the effects the next morning. I see he has forgotten to apply it."

Tony shrugged. "Pride goes before a fall and all that."

"Well," Jane said. "I'll leave you all to your party. Darcy and I have a lecture we're supposed to be at in, oh" she checked her watch, "a little over an hour. It's probably time we got going."

"But we might never see Loki drunk again. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity," Darcy protested.

Jane gave her a look. "That phrase has lost all meaning now. We see crazy once in a lifetime things every day now."

Darcy sighed. "Spoilsport."

Jane pressed a kiss to Thor's cheek. "Be careful," she admonished. "You know how he is."

"I want all the details tomorrow," Darcy said. "And make sure you take lots of pictures. You know, for posterity."

Tony smiled. "Jarvis is recording the whole thing."

"So," Clint said, once Jane had dragged a complaining Darcy back into the elevator. "Are we going to watch the rest of this movie or what?"

Tony shrugged. "Who needs Bond girls when we have Natasha?"

Natasha smiled faintly. "Every so often, I start to see what Steve sees in you."

"And that is why I'm with Steve instead of you. Because Steve has seen the awesome a long time ago." He snorted. "I can't believe it's taken you this long to start appreciating how amazing I am. I mean, I'm filthy rich, hot as hell, a fucking genius, hands down the greatest waffle maker in the world, and I dance a mean tango."

Natasha smirked and held out a hand. "Why don't you prove it, Stark?"

"Jarvis, the usual!" Tony shouted.

Tony pulled Natasha into his arms as the Masochism Tango started up. Clint had jokingly suggested the song the last time Tony was in a dancing mood and surprisingly, both Tony and Natasha were amused enough to make it their song.

"I ache for the touch of your lips, dear, but much more for the touch of your whips, dear. You can raise welts like nobody else as we dance to the Masochism Tango."

Steve smiled as he watched them. Everyone, especially Natasha, had been stunned the first time Tony grabbed her arm and started twirling her around. But Natasha had quickly gotten over her shock and now she eagerly looked forward to all of Tony's happier days. She was a classically trained dancer, Steve knew, but she didn't usually get a chance to use her skills, especially for fun. And Tony was almost as good a dancer as she was.

"Your turn," Tony

"Come on, champ," Tony said encouragingly. "You're the best around."

"No!" Clint said loudly.

Natasha elbowed him in the side and fixed him with a scathing glare.

"Stupid song," Clint muttered as he rubbed his side.

"Jarvis, 'I Don't Dance' for the Captain."

"Absolutely, sir."

Natasha gasped and when Steve looked over, she was surreptitiously wiping at her eyes.

"Tony, what are you-"

"I got this," Tony said. He guided Steve's hands to his waist as the opening notes of the song started playing. "Just follow my lead."

"Okay," Steve said uncertainly. His fingers twitched at Tony's hips. The rest of the team was watching and it was going to be awful and humiliating and Tony was going to be so disappointed in him.

Tony took a deep breath. "I'll never settle down."

Steve stiffened. "Tony, don't-"

Tony smiled and put a finger over Steve's lips. "That's what I always thought. I was that kind of man, just ask anyone."

Steve relaxed a little as the song transitioned into the chorus. He let Tony take the lead, taking slow steps to match his movements. They weren't dancing, not really. More like rhythmically swaying back and forth. The song called for spinning around and around in circles, but Tony didn't seem to care that they were ignoring the lyrics. He gazed at Steve with clear adoration and Steve began to believe that maybe, maybe even his awkward stumbling was enough.

Tony lapsed into silence for the second verse and Steve just listened to the original singer. He couldn't help but smile at the lines, "You took these two left feet and waltzed away with my heart."

He could see why Tony had picked the song. It was so perfectly about them. He reached for Tony's hands and laced their fingers together. He was probably going to screw it up, but he really did want to spin Tony around and around, just like the song said. So, he took a careful step back, tightened his hold on Tony's outstretched hands and spun the two of them around like they were children again.

Tony laughed exuberantly and his eyes were bright. So, maybe dancing wasn't as scary as Steve had thought. It was kind of fun, once he got into it.

As the song died out, Steve pulled Tony close and wrapped his arms around him.

"I'd do anything with you anywhere," Tony murmured against his shoulder.

He tipped Tony's chin back and kissed him. Tony just had a way of making him feel warm and loved.

Steve had been so caught up in the moment that he had forgotten that they had an audience. But Clint's wolf whistle quickly reminded him. He grimaced and took a step back, eying the rest of the team.

Clint, of course, was grinning like a loon. Bruce just smiled politely. And Thor was practically brimming with good cheer. "Well done, my friends. Your union is a strong one."

"Uh, thanks," Steve said. "Wait, what union?"

Natasha clapped a hand on his shoulder, her eyes still suspiciously damp. "You two have to play that at your wedding," she said firmly.

"Our wedding? Who said we were getting married?"

Loki straightened up in the corner. "Mawwage, mawwage is what bwings us togeda today," he intoned solemnly.

There was a moment of stunned silence and then Clint burst into hysterical laughter.

Steve frowned. "It's not nice to make fun of the way he talks. You don't make much sense when you're drunk either."

"No, no, no," Clint gasped. "You don't understand. I never thought I'd hear Loki make a Princess Bride reference. Holy shit."

"Princess Bride?" Steve asked. "Who's she?" His eyes narrowed. "Is Loki making fun of some poor girl now?"

Clint gaped at him. "You've never seen the Princess Bride? Are you kidding me? It's Nat's favorite movie."

"Oh," Steve said. "No, I'm afraid not." He averted his eyes. "I might be a little behind on my movie watching list." It wasn't that he didn't appreciate all the movie recommendations. But there were so many classics, culturally important films, and personal favorites that Steve despaired ever making it through the list.

"Well, no time like the present," Tony said cheerfully. "Hey, Loki, try to keep awake for this one, okay? Nat's going to kill you if you start snoring."

"I would never," Loki said, eyes wide with horror. He scooted to the foot of the couch and rewrapped himself in his blanket cocoon.

"Good man," Natasha said. She settled onto the couch and put her feet up on the armrest.

Everyone else shuffled into their usual spots. Thor sprawled out in the armchair, Clint perched on the back of the sofa, and everyone else squeezed onto the couch. Tony was practically sitting on Steve's lap, but Steve didn't mind at all. He just stroked Tony's hair and pulled him closer.

"Jarvis, roll tape," Tony commanded.

Steve was apparently the only one on the team who hadn't seen the movie. And from the looks of it, everyone else had seen it multiple times. Tony and Clint took turns reciting the dialogue, imitating the voice of the grandfather and the boy until Natasha shushed them.

"Let Steve listen to the movie," she said. "You're ruining the experience for him."

The two of them subsided for a few moments and Steve got to enjoy the opening scenes of the story with the beautiful green farm land. But then Buttercup arrived on scene and Clint called out, "Farm boy!" in a ridiculous falsetto.

Natasha reached up and yanked his leg. Clint yelped and tumbled over, grasping the back of the couch to stay off the floor.

"Quiet," she said. "I'm not going to tell you again."

"Spoilsport," Clint muttered under his breath as he swung himself back into his spot.

Loki pushed back his blankets and crawled closer to the TV. "This is amazing," he said in an awed tone, one hand stretched out towards the screen. "It's just like being there."

Steve smiled, remembering how utterly impressed he had been the first time Tony had shown him a holographic model of his current project. The future was full of amazing technologies.

"Best graphics in the business," Tony said proudly. "It's magical, isn't it?"

Loki stilled and his eyes went wide. Steve knew that look. It was Tony's "brilliant idea" look, the one warning Steve had before Tony went off and did something incredibly stupid.

"No, Loki," Steve said. "Don't-"

But Loki's eyes flashed green and suddenly they were all standing in a wide green field with nothing but farmland and small cottages as far as the eye could see.

"Maybe Loki's just messing with us," Clint said with a trace of hopefulness in his voice. "Maybe we're all still back on the couch in the Tower and this is all in our heads."

"Nope," Loki said cheerfully. "It's real."

"Damnit," Clint growled. "I hate magic."

Natasha drew her knives. "You take us out of here right this second," she said. "This movie is one of my personal favorites and if any part of it changes because you thought it was a good idea to put us in the middle of a movie-"

"It's not a movie," Loki said. "It's real." He frowned. "Didn't I say that already?"

"Yeah," Tony said. "Get with the program. This is real."

"It can't possibly be real. The Princess Bride is a movie. And since we're in the movie-"

"I made this," Loki said patiently. "So that makes it real. For now. And when we're all done…poof." He grinned.

Clint shook his head. "I don't get it, but whatever. As long as we're not going to mess up Nat's favorite movie."

"Great," Tony said. "So, now we're all settled and nobody's…" Tony trailed off. "Bruce? What's wrong, big guy?"

Bruce's forehead was furrowed in concentration. "This place looks oddly familiar," he said.

"Well, duh. We were just watching the movie."

Bruce shook his head. "No, I never thought about it until now, but the scenery reminds me of a music video I saw a long time ago."

"Ooh!" Tony said. "The Safety Dance? It's the Safety Dance, isn't it?"

"What is a safety dance, exactly?" Steve asked. Tony had once shown him a viral video of airline stewardesses doing some sort of dance as they demonstrated the safety features on the plane. That was the only safety dance he could think of.

But Tony held one hand at waist height and the other above his head and began skipping around the meadow. "We can go where we want to, a place that they will never find. And we can act like we come from out of this world, leave the real one far behind."

"I'd like to go back to the real world," Clint muttered under his breath. "Leave this one far behind."

Loki's smile faded. "You don't like this world?"

"No, no, no," Tony assured him quickly. "He likes this world. We all do. Absolutely love it. Maybe not to live in, but really, how else would we ever get a chance to experience a medieval countryside? It's pretty fucking awesome is what it is."

Loki brightened. "Let's go exploring. I made food. Or, at least I think I did. I made, um, a market? That's what it's called, right?"

"Awesome," Tony said. "Maybe we can find Buttercup there. Oooh, what if we can teach her the Safety Dance? It'll be just like the video." He burst into a fit of laughter.

Bruce sighed and shook his head. "Steve, remind me to show you the video later."

Steve wasn't too keen on traipsing around a pseudo-medieval countryside, but Tony's enthusiasm was infectious and he found himself pulled through the little town, being forced to try a bite of every single food the market stalls offered. And actually, most of the stuff wasn't half bad.

It also probably helped that somewhere along the way Tony had started belting out the lyrics for Weird Al's "Eat It" and he was laughing too hard to protest when Tony shoved another meat pie into his mouth.

"We should live here," Tony said. "No Fury, no SHIELD, no board meetings. It's paradise."

"And no Jarvis," Steve reminded him.

Tony winced. "Okay, maybe a summer home? Just think about it, Steve. Just us, all snug and cozy in a little cottage. There's no heater, so we'll have to share body heat every night." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Nice try, Tony. But we can't live in this, uh, pseudo-medieval, not-actually-in-a-movie place. Whatever Loki made."

Tony nodded sagely. "Loki would probably try and trap us in here once he's not all hopped up on the happy juice."

"Where is Loki anyway?"

Tony's eyes went wide. "Shit. Let's find the others. See if they know where he is."

Unfortunately, everyone had been so busy exploring that they had all lost sight of Loki.

"Goddamnit," Clint said. "He would do this, wouldn't he? Bring us all to this strange world and then leave us here. We have no way of getting back to New York without him. We're trapped."

"Don't panic," Steve said. "We'll find him. Everybody spread out."

It took just under two hours, but eventually Clint stumbled upon Loki asleep in the middle of a grassy field.

Clint shook his shoulders. "Loki? Loki, wake up. We need you to send us back. We don't want to be trapped here."

Loki yawned widely. "Wussall the fuss bout? So nice here. So nice and warm." He laid his headback down in the grass.

Natasha elbowed Clint aside and shook Loki more forcefully. "Loki, you need to send us back to New York right now."

Loki sighed heavily. "Okay, okay." He waved his hand in a wide circle.

They all landed back in the den in exactly the same positions they had been in earlier. And the movie was still in the opening scenes. So, they had been on an adventure for several hours in Loki's world, but no time at all had passed in the real world. Not bad.

"So, that was pretty awesome," Tony said. "But on a scale of one to sex with Steve-"

Bruce groaned. "I really, really don't want to hear about your sex life."

"I do," Clint said. "Phil and I need ideas."

"Ha!" Tony said triumphantly. "Secret's out. And I didn't even need to hack into SHIELD."

"Oh, fuck me."

"Sorry, dude. That's Coulson's job."

Clint jabbed Tony in the back of the neck with his foot and Tony retaliated by throwing a couch cushion at him. Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. They never stopped squabbling with each other. It was like living with two large children.

And then Loki started snoring.

The fight with Clint was immediately abandoned. Tony hopped off the couch and crouched down beside Loki.

"Just look at him," Tony said. "He looks so peaceful and innocent when he's asleep." He glanced up, his eyes wide and pleading. "Can we keep him?"

"Hell no," Clint said.

Steve sighed. "No, Tony. He's a supervillain, not a puppy."

"So? I bet if we feed him a diet of whiskey and pancakes he'd be more fun than a puppy. Come on, guys. Isn't drunk Loki the greatest?"

Natasha rolled her eyes. "You're enough trouble as it is, Stark. We don't need another version of you."

"We are absolutely not the same person," Tony said indignantly. "I am the one and only, nobody I'd rather be. I am the one and only. You can't take that away from me."

"You know what I'd like to take away?" she hissed. "Your loud and obnoxious singing. Loki's sleeping, you idiot. Can we try and keep it that way?"

"Sorry," Tony said sheepishly.

"Not to worry, friends," Thor said. "I shall find a room for my brother on my floor and then we can continue our revelry."

"Great idea, big guy. Jarvis, let us know if he wakes up and starts throwing a fit or something. Who knows what he's like hungover."

"Will do, sir."

Loki offered no protest as Thor scooped him off the floor. He rolled into Thor's chest and murmured something about bilges and bracken. Whatever that was supposed to mean.

"See?" Tony said. "Way cuter than a puppy. You guys are really making the wrong choice."

"Yeah, right," Clint said. "Now shut up so we can finish the movie."

Tony pouted for a few minutes until Steve pushed him down so his head was in his lap and he could stroke his hair. And then Tony was practically purring with happiness. Steve could probably spend a lifetime with Tony and still never understand how his mind worked, but there were a few things he had learned about Tony almost instantly. And one of those things was how easily he could be distracted with just a little affection.

He kept stroking Tony's hair through the rest of the movie, only half-aware that he was doing it and only much later did he realize that Tony had stopped making those tiny, contented noises. He pressed down gently on Tony's shoulder and the genius rolled onto his back with a sigh.

Oh, he was asleep, too.

"I'm going to take Tony to bed," he announced to the room.

Bruce nodded. "It's getting late. We should all probably head to bed soon. It's been a rather exciting day."

Exciting. That was an understatement.

Steve carried Tony upstairs and settled him down into his bed. Well, their bed now.

"Steve," Tony murmured sleepily. "You make me so happy. Happiest man in the world."

Steve smiled as he slid into bed beside him. "So am I."

It felt like he had just drifted off to sleep when he felt Tony prodding his sides. He yawned. "What do you want, Tony?"

"Oh so many things," Tony said cheerfully. "Getting you out of bed is my first priority."

So, Tony was still in a good mood. He'd probably appreciate it later when Tony wanted to snuggle. Right now, he just wanted to go back to sleep. But knowing Tony, that wasn't going to be option.

He peeled open his eyes and found Tony standing beside the bed clad in a floral apron, bright red pants, and holding a wooden spoon.

"I think I'm still asleep," Steve said.

Tony held the spoon up in the air. "Let's get down to breakfast. To the cinnamon buns."

Steve groaned. "You are never allowed to see Mulan again."

"You shouldn't be so grumpy," Tony said. "You had a good night's sleep, didn't you?"

"Until you woke me up," Steve muttered. "What time is it anyway?"

"Quarter after seven."

Steve shot upright. "Seven? It's really that late?"

"Better get a move on," Tony said. "You don't want to miss your morning run with Sam. And don't worry about breakfast. It'll be ready by the time you get back."

Steve hurriedly changed into a pair of sweats and ran out the door. Sam was never going to let him hear the end of it if he was late.

Luckily, he was right on time. If Sam noticed he was a little frazzled, he didn't say anything. Probably because he was too busy trying to keep up with Steve's brutal pace. He was hungry, gosh darn it. The sooner he got home and got his breakfast, the better.

Steve arrived back in the Tower's kitchen to find bowls and pans strewn all across the counter. It was a pretty normal sight when Tony was cooking. But he raised an eyebrow as Tony heaved the waffle maker onto the counter. "I was promised cinnamon buns," he said.

Tony shrugged. "Well, we're all out of cinnamon. So I had to improvise. Blueberry waffles and chocolate chip pancakes. How does that sound?"

"Sounds great," Steve said.

"Sounds terrible," Loki muttered as he dragged himself into the kitchen.

"Hey, it's alive," Tony said.

"Curse you, Stark," Loki growled. "I'd rather be dead." He dropped his head down on the counter with a pained groan. "I'd gladly take a repulsor to the face if only to end this agony."

Tony slid a bottle of aspirin across the counter. "You'll feel better after breakfast. I'm making waffles and pancakes and eggs and bacon."

Loki raised his head slightly. "Your waffles are good, Stark, but not that good."

"You wouldn't feel like crap if you drank more water," Tony said in a sing-song tone. He flipped the first batch of pancakes onto a plate and started pouring batter into the waffle maker.

Loki's eyes narrowed. "You mock my pain."

"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

"Damn," Loki said. His head dropped back onto the counter.

"Oh yes," Tony said cheerfully. "We know all about your precious fixation with the Princess Bride. It's a good movie, so I'm not going to tease you about that. But, I am mocking you mercilessly for being a fucking lightweight."

"Shoot me," Loki said. "I beg of you."

"Hell no," Tony said. "Why would I kill our favorite villain?"

Loki frowned, as if trying to decide whether or not Tony was kidding.

Tony went back to work on the waffles, humming "Be Our Guest" under his breath.

Steve sighed. He was going to have to have another talk with Tony about trying to adopt Loki. But it could wait until after breakfast.

Nothing was more important than Tony's waffles.