The Ultimate Parody
Sesshy's Mistress
Summary: There are some things you just don't mix together… Usagi and Alcohol is one of those…
Disclaimer: I. Do. Not. Own. Do. Not. Sue. Me!
…
Usagi was happily humming an unfamiliar tune under her breath while she sat curled in a armchair with her laptop sitting atop her knees. Every few seconds, a small giggle would pass from between her cherry coated lips. L, the ever perceptive one, took notice to watching Usagi during odd behavior such as this. He had to suppress a shudder at the memory of her Cellular War.
The behavior she was demonstrating was disturbingly similar to that of her first Cellular Phone attacks. L was known as a genius and he prided himself on the fact; however, besides proving that Light Yagami was Kira, the only other thing to ever stump the detective was Usagi. She was a true enigma wrapped in a delicate and overly chirpy package. She could be klumsy and clueless one moment and then turn around and be precisely accurate both physically and mentally in another.
L found himself questioning the sanity of whatever God or gods whom had decided to place the protection of the world on her shoulders. Maybe leaving the judgment of others to Kira wasn't such a bad idea…
"Usagi-san-"
"Chan!" Usagi automatically corrected without looking up from the computer screen. It was late at night and many of the others were asleep. Usually, Usagi would be the first to retire, but tonight was different. Tonight was unusual. Tonight…she was up to something. L was sure of it, but how could he prove it?
"Usagi," L tried once again, "What are you doing?"
"Watching some videos on YouTube," Usagi took a moment to spare him a glance. Her lips curled into quick smile before her attention was diverted to the screen once again.
"This late?"
"Mhmmm!"
"What have you found that is so entertaining?" L questioned; however, he received no answer. Feeling uneasy, he moved to stand, but Usagi quickly shut the lid to her laptop and stood up.
"Good night, Ryuuzaki!" She called from over her shoulder as she made her way up the stairs and towards her flat. L rolled his chair back so that he could watch her small frame disappear. Once it had, he quickly watched her enter her room, put away her laptop, and fall asleep from the access of the ever present, high tech, monitoring systems he still had up and running.
A sense of dread still had a tight grip on him, but, for the moment, it seemed unnecessary. Since the cell phone incidents, he and Usagi had come to an agreement or two in regards to personal property and space. From what he can remember, which was a lot mind you, he had not broken the mini-truce that they had managed to establish.
Just to be safe, L decided, he would keep an eye on her for the next few days…
…Three Weeks Later…
The first thing he noticed upon waking up was that he wasn't in his room or the command center. His second conclusion was that neither was anyone else. The third conclusion found Usagi absent from the vicinity but a lot of odd objects present. Finally, the pounding roar of a hang over was ever present. A feeling of nausea began to creep up inside him, and L struggled to recall the night before. When he failed, a sense of dread, ever so familiar, crept up inside of him.
L forced himself to roll over and onto his back. The move itself was a struggle which caused his muscles to ache, making him question his late night activities. Though he may not look or act it, L was quite an impressive physical force to be dealt with in any sense. To wake up and feel this sore and stiff, well, he must have done something impressive, or stupid. If Usagi was involved, as he believed, it was probably stupid.
He was not one to jump to conclusions; however, with the absence of Usagi and the presence of everyone else (including Watari) passed out around him, L felt he had the right to be suspicious. Only when he moved to sit up were his suspicions confirmed.
Instead of his usual outfit which consisted of loose jeans and an overly large, long-sleeved t-shirt, L found himself wearing a pair of overly tight (compared to his jeans) Khaki dress pants that were buckled up to his ribs. A short sleeved, three button collar polo shirt was neatly tucked into the pants; however, the worst thing were the way-too-clean tennis shoes coupled with knee high socks!
Irritation, an emotion not well known to the detective until the Kira case, started to creep further into his senses, making him see a haze of red. His dark eyes took on another search for a particular blonde haired, blue eyed demon in disguise as an angel. He failed to find her, but noticed that Light was dressed in similar attire such as he. As for the rest of the task force (Chief Yagami included) they were outfits in startling contrast to L and Light's. Instead of neat and, dare he say, obscenely nerdy in the most cliché of ways, they wore outfits with baggy pants, tank tops, do rags, and hats on sideways. The phrase "Cracker Gangster Wannabes" came to mind along with a picture of Misa and Usagi laughing at someone in a catalogue strikingly familiar to the scene he was witnessing.
Surrounding him, L found a Green Screen about the size of one entire wall, a people cruiser, fake diamond bling necklaces, Misa's laptop, a chess board and scattered pieces, and several other items that contradicted its counterpart.
L's ears twitched as a low moan was heard coming from his direct left. He turned his head to see Light beginning to wake up. L felt the need to assist his fellow detective in the best way possible. So, he stood, slowly mind you, and proceeded to nudge the annoyingly lucky detective with his toe. By nudge, L actually kicked and Light let out a muffled and startled yell.
"What was that for?!"
"What do you remember?"
"About what?"
"Last night."
"What about last night?"
"I see," L turned his head to check the others. Unfortunately, they were still passed out with no signs of waking up any time soon.
"Notice anything usual?" L questioned without sparing the recovering Light a chance to get up. Light flicked his gaze around the room.
"Usagi not around when everything seems to have gone to –"
"Exactly," L interrupted while crouching next to Matsuda's passed out and heavily drooling form. The man was currently leaning over the back of a couch and snoring rather obnoxiously. The large and very loose jeans that adorned his lower half were threatening to slip the rest of the way off, not that the ankles were all that far for them to fall from.
"How long have you been awake?" Light asked through his dizziness upon standing too fast. Once the room had stopped spinning, he and L both started towards the door with one goal in mind – Find Usagi!
They had expected the door to be locked. Thankfully, they were wrong. Instead, they found an empty hallway. Ever so carefully, they followed that hallway only to find that they were on the main level of the tall building. As one, they headed towards the elevators which opened almost immediately. L and Light shared a glance before L walked in and pressed the number for the command center. He quickly exited and joined Light in a sprint up the stairs. In order to buy them time, he had also pressed four other floor numbers before the final destination.
The dash to the top seemed endless, but they finally made it. Both stood by the door, awaiting the familiar ding of the elevators announcing it's presence. When the sound rang, they busted through the door, expecting to find Usagi, but she was absent.
The only thing that was anything close to being Usagi was her open laptop. L and Light moved to return to the stairs; however, L's eyes caught onto something familiar. He ignored Light's curious glances and moved to sit in front of Usagi's computer. His long and spidery fingers typed quickly and flawlessly over the keyboard, hacking the computer and pulling up its memory. He soon found what he was looking for – all of her actions for the past 24hrs. With a few more strokes of the keys, he pulled up a video file labled "White and Nerdy LxL".
L's gut began to twist and turn inside his stomach as the video file was retrieved, loaded, and slowly started to play. He easily enlarged the window so that Light could have an easy view of the file. The screen appeared blank as the opening to the song, "White and Nerdy", began to play. The feeling in L's gut grew worse as the song progressed, especially when he and Light came into view. Needless to say, both he and Light agreed that the footage needed to be deleted within the first fifteen seconds of video feed.
The sound of footsteps descending the stairs alerted them both to Usagi's approach. L moved hastily to delete all of his tracks, but Usagi was there before he could finish. She was happily munching on a thick and delicious looking piece of Devils Food Cake.
"Ryuuzaki? Light? What are you doing on my computer?" She questioned innocently while making her approach. L lifted one finger and pressed the 'Delete' button, successfully deleting the file and the internal memory of the video. Usagi watched him with a relaxed and lazy pace. When she reached him, she moved her hand towards him. L was slightly unsettled by the blank look reflecting in her eyes, but her hand, much to his surprise, didn't touch him, only the laptop. She turned it, brushed her hands across the keypad, and spared a glare at the two before her.
"Deleting it from this computer was pointless," Usagi shrugged while walking over to L's main work area. After placing the porcaline plate upon the desk, she took her seat in the rolling desk chair, and started to turn on the computer. All the monitor screens soon flickered to life, showing the two detectives behind her just what she was doing. They watched as she brought up the internet, typed in the address for YouTube, typed in the Title of a video, and then clicked that video.
The footage was that of which they had just deleted. L and Light stood in shock and mortification as the figures that were themselves acted out (rather horridly) their own version of "White and Nerdy". Light stumbled up to the desk, glancing at the views which had already reached the thousands.
"Usagi, how-what? Why?!"
"Why not?"
"Usagi," L spoke in a warning tone that promised revenge in his own quirky way. Usagi did not even turn around, instead, she clicked a related link.
"Oh calm down, you two! I made one of Misa too, so no worries," Usagi giggled towards the end of her sentence as "Barbie's a Bitch" played with Misa playing the leading starlet.
Crickets chirped in the background for the duration of the song. After it finished playing, however, laughter and chocked chuckles (courtesy of Light) rang through the room, echoing off the walls. L made his way to Usagi, propping his head upon hers and reaching for the mouse. He quickly signed in to his own YouTube account and saved the song with Misa as the star.
"I guess I can overlook this last incident," He spoke softly while flicking her ear in light reprimand of her actions. "I only have one question-"
"You'd be surprised what you'd learn on the internet," L blinked at the interruption, wondering why she spoke it until she continued to explain. "They make it so easy for someone to manipulate inhibitions of someone with the right…ingredients."
"USAGI!" Light growled, but L chuckled.
They never did learn what it was that she used, but it was one hell of a mix, that was all L could say. In the end, "White and Nerdy" received 6,879,432 views, 4.5 out of 5 rating with 76,890 ratings, and 2,344 comments. "Barbie's a Bitch" received 6,661,220 views, 5 out of 5 rating with 1,234,987 ratings, and 100,768 comments (268 of which were flames) and one pissed MisaMisa!
…
Don't ask….I don't even want to know what I was slipped the night I wrote this…
Sesshy's Mistress
Look up White and Nerdy by "Weird Al" Yankovic and [Death Note Flash] Misa is a bitch AND Barbie is A bitch by thunderbellyemm! (Note: I am not into Yaoi that much, I like it on occasion, just think of the first one with the Misa parts minus L and whatshisface mixed with the other video with the plastic bottles parts and the van part, lolxD)