A/N: OK, so, I love Donna/Jack and River/Eleven. I also love Much Ado About Nothing. So what could be better than a Doctor Who/Much Ado About Nothing crossover?

One warning - do not read if you love Rose Tyler or Rose/Doctor. OK? Well, don't blame me if you get upset about her behaviour in this fic.

Thank you to nicoleniks94 for supporting/encouraging me - as always! 3

Act 1, Scene 1 – "What, my dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet living?"

"Doctor, you CANNOT be serious?"

Jack sighed deeply as he heard the shriek that heralded the arrival of the Doctor and his companions to the Torchwood Three Hub, even over the blaring sirens that accompanied the door opening. Since the Doctor had managed to find a way of partially halting the metacrisis and keeping the life-threatening part of the Time Lord consciousness in Donna's mind safely locked away, they had been dropping into Cardiff every so often so that they could run the necessary checks and ensure that she was in no danger of burning up. The Doctor was confident that, given enough time, he would find a way of permanently fixing the problem. He just needed to keep her safe until then.

The only problem with them dropping in every now and then was that it meant that Jack was forced to spend several days in the company of that woman. That woman being Donna. She drove Jack completely insane with her constant remarks, fault-finding, argumentativeness and the insults that she no longer even bothered to sugar-coat or disguise as back-handed compliments. When Donna was around it was like a red rag to a bull.

"Donna, I assure you I am perfectly serious. I wouldn't joke about something like this." The Doctor replied, his voice audible as the alarms stopped; only Donna could reach decibels that were noticeable above the sirens. Jack moved to his office door and opened it, peering down at the group entering the Hub. "The TARDIS needs time to refuel from the Rift."

"So I have to put up with the company of Captain Crack-pot for even longer than usual?" His companion demanded, her voice infuriating Jack even more than he remembered. He ground his teeth in annoyance, wondering whether to pretend that he'd gone out so that he could avoid seeing her for a while longer.

Before the Doctor could answer, Jack heard Gwen greeting their visitors and decided that perhaps he should head down to the main part of the Hub as well. As much as it felt like the best option, avoiding her was just putting off the inevitable.

"Doctor!" He called, leaping down the last couple of stairs and shooting them his wide, toothy grin. "Good to see you. And River Song, delectable as ever. Amy, Rory, how's it going?"

"Hello, have I become the invisible woman or something?" Donna muttered, obviously irritated.

"Sadly, no." Jack told her; secretly delighted that he'd managed to annoy her so quickly. That surely had to be a record of some kind. "You also appear to still be alive. Well done."

"Yeah, well, some of us haven't got the luxury of not being able to die." She snapped back, glaring at him ferociously. "Some of us actually have to put some effort into staying alive."

"Most children can do it… although, I suppose most small children also have a higher IQ than you…"

"Right!" Gwen cut across them before they went too far in their bickering and it was impossible for anyone else to get a word in. "Who fancies a cuppa? Mickey, be a sweetheart and put the kettle on."

The young man nodded and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving the Doctor and his companions to make themselves at home. Amy and Rory made themselves comfortable on the sofa in the corner, chatting openly with Gwen about what had happened since they'd last seen her. River was interestedly examining several alien artefacts that had been unceremoniously abandoned on various surfaces around the Hub and Donna had sat at one of the desks and was flipping absent-mindedly through one of the large manila envelopes that was stuffed full of case notes from one of their most recent missions, while Martha readied the medical bay for her check-up.

"Doctor…" Jack muttered, jerking his head in the direction of the steps down towards the vaults.

The Doctor blinked more often than was usual, displaying his confusion, but followed Jack down the stone steps anyway. He was about to open his mouth to demand an explanation of what was going on, when he spotted the reason for his friend's request and closed his mouth abruptly.

Standing at the end of the run of vaults was a young woman.

A young, blonde woman.

An incredibly familiar young, blonde woman.

"Rose Tyler." The Doctor breathed, his face splitting into a wide beaming smile at the sight of her.

She grinned shyly back for a moment before they both moved at the same time; running towards each other like in a film. It was an exact echo of that night, years ago for both of them now, when their reunion had been cut short by that Dalek. This time, however, there was no Dalek to prevent their delighted sprint towards each other. The Doctor hugged her tightly, swinging her round and laughing happily. Rose giggled, clinging tightly to the new body that encased the man she loved.

When they broke apart Jack had vanished, displaying a surprising level of tact for him, leaving them free to talk privately.

"What are you doing here… again?" The Doctor asked, still grinning wildly. He was unable to take his eyes off her, as though he still couldn't quite believe it was real.

"I came to see you, of course!" Rose replied as though it was the most obvious answer in the world and grinning back so broadly that she felt her cheeks might fall off. She was so happy to see him that it actually physically hurt.

"How did you do it?"

"Always with the technical questions." She laughed. "You haven't changed, have you? Apart from the face and the… bow tie?"

"Well, actually–"

Rose shrugged. "It doesn't matter anyway. You're still him… you're still the Doctor."

"That's true." The Doctor agreed readily. "So? Are you going to tell me how you did it?"

"I rebuilt the Dimension Cannon. We gathered up all the bits that were left over or salvageable from the last one and reconfigured the core data." The blonde told him with a shrug, as though what she was telling him was nothing more interesting than an anecdote about popping to the travel agents and buying a plane ticket. "This version of the Cannon is far more stable than the last one; no chance of temporal feedback at all and the simulations we ran indicated that there would be minimal void disturbance. I arrived here about three weeks ago. Jack told me about the regeneration and said it wouldn't be long before you showed up and he was right, here you are!"

"So you're back! What are you going to do? Work for Torchwood? Mickey's married to Martha now, so…" He stopped talking quickly as he noticed her expression change.

Her face fell slightly and her eyes flickered over his face, as though she was trying to read him; to work out whether he was just teasing her about working for Torchwood. For a moment she managed to convince herself that he was. Then she realised that he was deadly serious and her face fell completely.

"I was hoping… maybe… I could come with you?"

"Ahh…" He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Well, the thing is… it's a bit crowded on the TARDIS at the moment with Donna and Amy and River and–"

"Oh, right, OK."

"No, I mean… of course you're welcome to come with us. Anytime, Rose Tyler. You're always welcome."

"No, it's fine. I get it. You've got a family now." She said in a much colder tone, smiling tightly at him, not quite able to meet his eyes. "We'd better go up…"

Before the Doctor could ask what she meant by him having a family now, she had started up the steps, not waiting for him. He frowned and followed his former companion back up to the main part of the Hub slowly. He didn't entirely understand what had just happened. All he knew was that he had been overjoyed to see his friend again and she had been similarly delighted. Next thing he knew she seemed to be angry with him. It was all very disconcerting for the Time Lord.

But as soon as he was back upstairs his eyes sought out River, immediately reassured by the warm, slightly amused smile she sent him across the Hub. He missed Rose's face as she turned to look at him, noticing the look in his eyes.

As soon as the Doctor had managed to make himself heard over Donna and Jack's incessant bickering – not an easy task as they seemed to be in the middle of a full-blown argument – introductions were made between Rose and the Doctor's companions and Rose was reintroduced to Donna. For a moment, a flicker of understanding crossed Rose's face as Amy and River were introduced, but then it vanished. The blonde was politeness itself to Rory, but greeted the three women with a distinct coldness, her eyes glinting with intense, immediate dislike. They were all taken aback by this – the Doctor's version of Rose Tyler, and the one Donna remembered from the Dalek Crucible, not tying in with this young woman at all.

After a couple of painfully awkward moments, everyone moved off to do their own thing once more. Gwen offered to take the Ponds and River on a tour of Cardiff, Martha ushered a reluctant Donna off to the medical bay for her tests and Mickey and Rose went to man the desk in the Tourist Centre above them. Only Jack and the Doctor were left without anything much to do.

Taking his chance now that they were alone, the Doctor followed Jack up to his office and closed the door carefully. Jack looked mildly surprised by the action and leant back in his chair, looking the Doctor up and down for any clue as to what was going on. Then he grinned and winked.

"Oh… stop it Jack." The Doctor cautioned him, flapping a hand in his direction. Jack chuckled and leant forwards, resting his arms on his desk and fixing the Time Lord with a questioning gaze.

"What can I do for you, Doctor?" He asked casually.

"I wanted to ask you… you're better at these things than I am…"

"What things?" Jack demanded, raising an eyebrow.

"Love, things."

Jack snorted derisively and leant back in his chair once more. "Love? Ha! I don't believe in it. It's just something made up between the film industry and business bosses to trick people into consumerism."

"What?" The Doctor looked totally confused by his words. "What are you talking about?"

"Think about it… when you think about love you think about those scenes in films; kissing in the rain, slow motion running, fog clearing on a station platform. It's ridiculous. It's just a scam to get you to buy into the whole idea. Take Valentine's Day, for example, it's just another day, but it's an excuse for them to squeeze money out of us for chocolate, flowers, the cinema, restaurants, hotels…"

"You've really thought about this, haven't you?" The Time Lord muttered, looking a little concerned by the venom behind Jack's words.

"All I know is I won't be stupid enough to play into their hands." He paused. "So, what, specifically, did you want to ask me?"

The Doctor looked as though he'd changed his mind about speaking to the man about his problem. Then he sighed, deciding that even talking to Jack would be better than nothing. "River."

"Ah, the stunning Ms Song."

"Yes, her."

"Well… what exactly about her, Doctor?" Jack asked with a sigh, wanting his friend to elaborate.

"Oh, right." The Doctor rubbed his neck nervously and made a face. "I think… well… I'm pretty sure that I might… love her."

"Then you're a fool and I'm very sorry."

"No, Jack, but she's… she's amazing."

"She's gorgeous, I'll give you that." Jack agreed with a shrug. "But does that mean you have to go falling in love?"

"I didn't choose to fall in love, Jack. I just did. One day you will too and then you'll have to eat your words."

The man snorted. "I don't think so."

"You will."

"I won't." Jack said firmly. "Especially with women like Donna around to remind me of the consequences of falling in love. That's what happens… you fall in love with a woman like River Song and then you realise you're married to Donna Noble."

"What's wrong with Donna?" The Doctor demanded defensively. "She's my best friend."

"She's evil."

"Just because she doesn't hang off your every word?"

"No, because she's made of pure evil with a hint of chilli powder thrown in for good measure."

The Doctor chuckled in amusement. "She is not that bad… you haven't met her mother."

"I honestly don't know why you can't see it, Doctor."

"Because Donna Noble is perfectly lovely. You just don't like her because she doesn't uphold your view that you are god's gift to women… and men… and, quite frankly, everything in between." This seemed to tickle Jack's sense of humour because he threw back his head and laughed loudly. Sighing, the Doctor shook his head. "But Jack, you still haven't told me what to do about River?"

"What d'you want me to say?"

"Well what do I say to her? How do I... err… raise the subject?"

"Look, I'll ask River tonight. We'll go out; celebrate the big reunion or something – you and your companions back together. Then I'll buy River a drink and… see what happens."

"Jack…" The Doctor growled warningly.

Jack laughed and then stood up, shaking his head. "Don't worry; I won't do anything bad!" He grinned and winked. "Come on. Let's go and see how Donna's tests are going. If I'm lucky Martha might let me stab a needle or scalpel or something equally sharp into the woman."