Author's Notes: "Brokeback Mountain" tore me up good when I saw it. Never has a film ever had characters so real and empathetic for me. They're as real as fiction gets. I saw the film before I read Annie's brilliant short story, and while I'm not at all sad that the Jake and Heath made Jack and Ennis easier on my mind's eye than Annie's would have been, there were a few small things in her story that didn't make the film, faithful as it was. I have borrowed freely, mixed and matched the two to get what I needed to write this. The writing has been cathartic, and while all real stories end in death, Jack and Ennis wouldn't rest in my mind 'til they'd had a shot at happy ever after. I know many others have given them that shot, but they wouldn't rest 'til I did it myself. Don't worry, I have a plan, and this story will get finished. This is my first fan fic, any feedback is much appreciated. Oh, and this story hasn't been proofread by anyone but me, so apologies for all typos and grammatical errors.
Time Enough to Get it Good: Chapter 1
August 23rd, 2004
The mare pranced under him, restless from the long spell standing still. It was as if she knew her rider had fallen into a brooding, dark as the thunderheads which stacked up against the mountain's peak, and was anxious to take his mind off his troubles by getting on the trail home. He brought her to stillness with the absentminded ease of one who's spent more than half his life on horseback, and returned to his vigil, staring out from the top of the ridge line at the vast meadow before him. The land ran into rocky hillocks which climbed ever upwards, becoming the broken peak of the mountain, reaching up toward heaven. The land before him was empty now, the sheep being pastured elsewhere this time of year, and the vast emptiness before him hung in counterpoint to the emptiness he felt inside now, an aching loneliness which, when it came upon him, dwarfed in size and scope the wide open spaces of fierce natural beauty which comprised his world.
"Gonna be a rough one, ain't no doubt", he said, to no one in particular. He kept his vigil a few moments longer, then turned his mount and began to pick his way carefully down the slope.
March 11th, 1975
Jack Twist couldn't keep his face from splitting into a grin so broad it was like to break his head in half, not that he tried too hard. It was less than a day since he'd gotten that postcard from Ennis, that glorious, magic slip of 3 x 5 card stock which changed his whole life. As he made the turn off of route 41 onto the rough dirt road which ran to Ennis Del Mar's tiny house, his mind was filled again with that moment at the post office, when he'd read that message and his heart had started racing. He didn't even need to take the postcard out of his pocket, he knew it by heart after once reading...
Jack,
Me and Alma's divorce came through in November. Looks like I'm
a free man again. How's April for you?
Ennis
He'd barely said a word to Lureen as he'd packed a duffel with a change of clothes. She'd given him hell for taking off on one of his "fishing trips" at no notice, but like the affection in their marriage, the anger was just a show, a play they put on for the audience that was the world, or sometimes just their son, or sometimes no one but each other. Jack cared for her, true enough, but she never did and never could set his belly on fire and make his blood race the way Ennis could. He hoped she'd find happiness after the split, though. She deserved it. As for Bobby, well... that fat bastard L.D. had already run any respect Bobby might've had for his father into the mud. Jack would miss Bobby something fierce, but he doubted Bobby'd miss him a lick. This was probably best for everyone. He thought again about Ennis' postcard.
Jack cut loose with a thundering whoop, and slammed his palm against the steering wheel.
"Hot DAMN!", he shouted. Up ahead he could see Ennis' shack. "It's about damn time, Ennis Del Mar, you sonuvabitch!" He couldn't wait to see the look on Ennis' face...
Jack scrubbed hot tears out of his eyes. Damn Ennis, anyway. He got himself back under control, only to find the North Texas scrubland landscape sliding by outside his windshield turning wavy and blurred again a few seconds later.
"I'm real sorry, Jack, you know I am..."
Eighteen hours. Eighteen hours he'd driven, no sleep, racing all the way, fueled on the notion that they'd finally, finally have a life together. That dream had lasted a fast two minutes once he reached Ennis' place.
Why was Ennis so afraid, anyway? Jack knew he'd seen some hard shit as a boy, knew that Ennis feared for Jack, much more than for himself, when he pushed Jack away and said that they'd get killed if they were ever found out. Well, who the hell was Ennis Del Mar? What gave him the right to decide for Jack Twist what risks he'd take? Jack knew Ennis thought he needed protecting. Jack, though, had as much pride in him as any other cowboy (though sometimes, with Ennis, with L.D, he swallowed his pride, it was easier), and he couldn't help but feel that Ennis thought he was weak. Well, he wasn't swallowing his pride now. Let 'em come, by damn!, Jack thought to himself. Ennis, you sonuvabitch, I ain't letting you fuck up our lives. I'd rather risk a short life with you than a long life alone, and that's a fact. And by damn, you're gonna see that you feel that way too.
Jack pulled the wheel hard over, tires screeching through a U-turn that almost rolled his truck. He started back the way he'd come, on the long road, fourteen hours back to Ennis' place. He'd have to stop and rest this time, but even a stop and sleep didn't dampen the burning rage which held his heart in strange companionship with the hopeful and determinedly happy notions in his head. He'd make Ennis see reason if he had to pound it into him.
Ennis sat alone, like he always sat, like he always lived, save the brief sparks of happy companionship he shared with Jack on their "fishing" trips. The afternoon light spilled in through the dirty windows, as he thought back on the day before. He was wishing now that Jack were with him, damning trickster fate that Jack could've been with him. Not two hours after he'd sent Jack away, Jenny fell ill and he'd had to take the girl home. Junior decided to stay home, too. He knew he'd upset her, upset them both, his mood right foul after Jack's visit. What'n hell'd he come up for, anyway? Ennis thought to himself. Wasn't s'posed to meet 'til April. Damn Jack, why you gotta tear me up like this? Why cain't I ever find peace without you around?
Ennis wasn't a man of many words. He didn't understand his own feelings half the time, but as little as he understood the feelings of himself, and others, he felt with a depth and pressure that frightened him, and the only way he knew how to deal with those passions were to keep them smashed down inside. Still, on some level, Ennis knew the answer to his question. Part of him couldn't handle how he felt about Jack, a part of him which shouted at him every time they were together that what they did was wrong, sinful, damning them to Hell. But another part of him cried out to keep Jack close forever, the part that couldn't hold it in after their four year separation and admitted to Jack that he never shoulda let him go. That part of him tore another hole in his heart every time he and Jack parted. He didn't know how he could stand it the next time Jack came and went. Boy, if you cain't fix it, you've gotta stand it.
Ennis was so deep in thought that he missed sound of someone pulling up in front of his house. He didn't stir from his reverie until he was startled to wakefulness by the pounding on his front door.
"Ennis! Ennis Del Mar, you open up boy, you hear me?"
Jack? Ennis couldn't believe his ears. He came to his feet, headed for the door, confused, and happy, and angry. Confused that Jack was there, happy that they could have a couple days together, and angry that Jack had come right back when he'd known that his girls might be there. As he reached for the door handle, happiness won.
"Jack, what'n hell're-" Ennis started to say, but came to a halt as he caught Jack's eyes, saw fire there like he'd never seen. He only had a heartbeat to ponder this before Jack unloaded a solid right hook to his temple, and his world exploded in a flash of color and pain. Ennis tumbled onto his backside, sliding back and knocking into the dining room wall. As his vision cleared, he saw Jack standing over him like a wrathful Angel of Vengeance.
"I've had it with your bullshit, Ennis Del Mar!" Jack said, his voice loud and somewhere south of a roaring shout. "Nine years, nine years I been watching you bury yerself in misery, and I cain't hardly stand that I keep following you down. I tell you what, boy, you are NOT gonna make our lives hell no more. I don't give a good GODDAMN how afraid you are that someone'll come after us, I ain't no coward and neither's you, and we ARE taking a chance at bein' happy!"
It took the length of this speech for Ennis to come to his senses and his feet, but he only heard a tenth of what Jack had said. The happiness which had won out moments ago was pushed aside by the anger the welled up underneath. Ennis was never a man to stand down from a fight, and as riled as he'd have been if Jack hadn't said a word, he was doubly enraged now. He hadn't heard, or more rightly hadn't understood, most of what Jack said, but the tone was clear and that was enough.
As Ennis came to his feet he launched himself at Jack, taking him in the gut with his shoulder, and lifting him as they propelled backward, their fall measuring the length of their bodies even as they skidded back under Ennis' momentum. Jack's back slammed against the door, which had closed behind him, blowing it off the hinges as they crashed down the porch. Their world was reduced to rage and honesty as they pummeled each other, hammering punches to head and body, wrestling and scrapping and laying blows hard and fast, each almost unaware of the assault of things long unsaid as it poured out alongside the violence.
"You done this to me, Jack fuckin' Twist-"
"Fuck you, you son of whoresome bitch, Ennis Del Mar-"
"-you made me so's I cain't stand being without you-"
"-you gonna learn I ain't weak, boy-"
"-you made me nothing, put me nowhere, I hate it that you made me sinful-"
"-and you sure as shit ain't keeping me in misery with you-"
"-and I ain't letting you git away with it, Jack fuckin Twist-"
"-and you're damn sure gonna fuckin' take a chance with me-"
"-goddamn me I cain't help it no more-"
"-or by holy Jesus you ain't never gonna see me again-"
"- goddammit, Jack, I love you!"
They were both on their feet, shirts torn and dirty, breath coming in ragged gasps, bruised and bloodied and squared off to keep pounding 'til one of 'em dropped. Ennis didn't even pause to wonder at the look of shock on Jack's face as the man dropped his guard, mouth hanging open, and Ennis' next punch thundered home square in his face, and knocked him skidding to his backside in the dirt just as he'd laid Ennis out moments before.
"Git yer ass up, boy!", Ennis roared. " I ain't done with you!" Jack just sat there in the dirt, a stupid, shit-eating grin spreading across his busted lips, blood running down from his nose as he started to laugh. Ennis felt his anger cool at the sight of Jack's beautiful smile, blood and all, though it didn't go out. As the anger ebbed, confusion took its place. "What?", he demanded.
"You said you loved me", Jack said simply, his face-splitting grin downshifting to the wry crooked smile which Ennis knew meant he'd done something to amuse Jack.
"The hell I did", said Ennis, uncomfortable, thinking back on the words that'd poured out of him as they fought and trying hard as hell to remember. Damn if he hadn't said...
"Did so."
"Did not!"
"Did so."
"I did-!" Ennis began, but finally, miraculously, the wall he'd spent a lifetime building inside cracked, just a tiny bit, and a staggering weariness leaked through the gap. "I did," he said, in a tone that sounded like sigh of a draft horse bedding down after dragging the plow all day. "I did, and I do." He paused. "I love you, Jack fuckin' Twist. But I told ya, we cain't be together. We cain't never be."
Jack smiled again, then his eyes turned serious. He extended his hand, and Ennis grasped it, pulling the man to his feet. Jack reached out, wiped the blood from under Ennis nose with his sleeve as he had those long years ago on Brokeback. Jack put his hand gently to Ennis' bruised cheek and firmly lifted his face to meet Jack's eyes as Ennis tried to look away.
"You hear me good, Ennis fuckin' Del Mar," Jack said, his voice as grave and commanding as Ennis had ever heard it, even though he barely spoke above a whisper. "I never, never thought I'd ever hear you say that. And I ain't never once thought I'd hear me say it neither. But I love you, Ennis. I love you. I love you so much I can hardly stand it, sometimes. And maybe folks think what we got is wrong, and maybe even sometimes we think so too, but I tell you what, Ennis, I cain't believe the good Lord'd make us feel love like this and then damn us for what we feel. This ain't wrong, Ennis. It ain't. Ain't nothin' wrong with you, ain't nothin' wrong with me. I reckon somethin's wrong with the world if somethin's wrong with anything. And you hear me good, Ennis, I don't give a damn how bad it might get, nothin's gonna be as bad as a life lived without you."
"Jack... Jack, I..." Ennis muttered, unable to get the words out like he wanted, crushed under joy and terror at the things Jack was saying.
"I know you wanna protect me, Ennis, that you think we might get ourselves killed, like you saw old Earl get killed. Let me tell you something, Ennis, I ain't weak. I ain't never been weak, and I ain't no coward, and neither're you. I miss you so much when we're apart, Ennis... I swear to God, I'd rather have as much time as we can have together, short 's it might be, than a long life of misery apart. I say let 'em come, by damn, and I'm gonna beat the shit out of any man tries to lay his hands on you 'cause you're-".
Jack stopped, suddenly, unable to say it, Ennis knew, unable to speak the only word he had for what they were, what they wanted, but somehow knowing that it wasn't right, that it couldn't mean what Ennis and he were. All his life he'd known that was a dirty, awful word, an awful thing to be, and even now that his feelings came rushing out and he declared his love, Ennis knew part of him couldn't bring that word past his lips.
"Queer?" Ennis whispered. "I reckon we are queer, Jack. Least I am. Never wanted a woman like I want you. Never wanted no one like I want you." He paused, gathering his thoughts out of the maelstrom in his head. Something Jack said had stuck out.
"Where'd you get the notion I think yer weak? I know you ain't know coward, Jack. Hell, you're braver'n me, and that's a fact. You always was the dreamer, Jack. Always trying to get me to dream, too," Ennis said, muttering so much by the end of his words that nobody could've understood him. Nobody but Jack.
"We can do this, Ennis," Jack whispered, pulling Ennis into him, pulling so close their forehead's touched. "We can make it, Ennis, we can have a good life, a fuckin' real good life."
"Jack, we cain't. I want to, Jack, I want to, I do, but-" Ennis felt tears brim up in his eyes, burning tiny trails of pain down his face as they spilled over and flowed across his bruised and cut skin.
"It's alright, it's alright, it's alright," Jack breathed, his voice barely audible. Ennis' mind was catapulted back, back to that night of wonder and fear up on Brokeback, when he'd stretched himself to the limit to give in to his heart's desire, and Jack'd cradled him and guided him like a skittish foal that was like to bolt, with the gentle love Ennis had come to hold so dear.
"It's alright... it's alright, it's alright..."
Ennis cried himself out on Jack's shoulder, Jack continuing to whisper "it's alright", stroking Ennis' back, the nape of his neck. Somewhere in the middle of his weeping, before his eyes dried themselves out, his tears of pain and fear and longing became tears of joy, a joy so big his heart swelled from it. Ennis pulled Jack closer still, enfolded Jack in his arms, nuzzled his neck, whispered in his ear.
"Little darlin'..."