If we consider eternity, into that time never entered; eternity is not an everlasting flux of time, but time is as a short parenthesis in a long period; and eternity had been the same as it is, though time had never been.
-Dr. John Donne; "Devotions" (XIV, Meditation)
Sometimes he wondered why anybody bothered to feel anything at all, because, if he was going to be honest (and he was going to be honest) it was all pretty surreptitious, really.
Feelings he trusted—words he did not trust. A word was a word was a word, was nothing more (was nothing less), but a feeling was solidified. Someone (and they did, and often) could say something, could insist it, even, but they could not feel it if it was not true.
They could not mean it, then, if they did not feel it. So something he did not like messing with their endorphins, because it was like violating the truth. Or something.
Or maybe not. He couldn't really think that far ahead, anyway. That was up to Alice.
And if Edward wanted to go fall in love with a human (oh, God, a human) than he could, and Jasper wouldn't tell him not to (because love was one of those things that was felt without a suitable explanation, of course). But it hurt, of course it hurt, that Edward felt the need to tell Jasper to be careful. To stay away. To not risk anything.
"I know you've come a long way." said Edward to his brother, apologizing, because what he was saying was offensive.
But Jasper, ironically, was good at faking how he felt. And he liked that no one could know if he was angry or sad or confused or offended (except Alice, of course, Alice always knew). He liked that nobody could tell him how to feel. Hypocritical, yeah, but hell. It was true.
"But it's just—it's going to be hard on everyone when I bring her here-,"
No, thought Jasper with a sigh. Not really. They'll be okay.
"Jazz," said Edward patiently, and he placed a hand on Jasper's shoulder. Jasper managed not to flinch away, which, he thought, was quite impressive. "Let's be honest. You have a more difficult time, of course, than they do. Because you're new at this."
That was true. Jasper nodded. "I get it, Edward," he said, nodding once. "I'll stay away from her. I won't-I won't even make myself apparent."
"No," said Edward, shaking his head and frowning. "That won't do. You should introduce yourself—you should be polite." He ran a hand through his hair and Jasper managed not to roll his eyes. Edward was always so overdramatic. Always overly-concerned. "Maybe…" And now he was pacing. Jasper felt uncomfortable. "Maybe if you just…"
"Keep my distance?" Jasper suggested. Edward looked up and met his gaze. "Got it, Edward," Jasper saluted and nodded again. "I'll—I'll be extra diligent. I will keep my distance." He bit his lip. "I swear, Edward. I won't hurt her."
But I will want to.
Edward flinched a little. "It's too dangerous, isn't it? What I'm doing." He sank down on a chair and Jasper blinked and knew (obviously) how his brother felt. "I shouldn't. But she's-,"
"-Everything?" Jasper guessed. Edward nodded and smiled wistfully and Jasper knew, again, how he felt. He didn't have to feel Edward's emotions to know, because he'd been in love (and was still in love—every moment of every day), too, and he understood.
"I hope I didn't offend you," Edward said tentatively, and Jasper was careful to think about Alice (not about Maria, not about who he'd been pre-Cullen).
"Nope," said Jasper with just a little too much cheer to fit his personality. His voice was quiet as always and he sighed again. "I'm—I'm exactly what you don't need to risk."
Edward frowned. "Not exactly how I would have put it." he said.
Jasper shrugged and unconsciously pulled down the sleeves of his shirt so that they covered his knuckles. "Maybe not," he said quietly. "But still. It's true."
And it was. And it was raining outside.
It was always raining outside.
To Be Continued