Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, or anything associated with it whatsoever. Alas, and woe.
Kurosaki Ichigo's Worst Nightmare
Ichigo's fingernails left a trail of long gouges in the wooden floorboards as he desperately clung to said floor, barely delaying the inevitable as his cheerful father stubbornly refused to release his grip on his son's legs as he drug the doomed teenager towards the kitchen for- The Talk.
His father's ominous words still rang loudly in his ears.
"Son! You're becoming a man! It's time we talked about SEX! Wait, son! Where are you going?! We haven't had our conversation yet!"
The tracks in the floorboard continued all the way to the kitchen before Ichigo felt himself yanked free of the floor and flung bodily into a chair.
"You freakin' crazy man!" the orange-hair bellowed as the wooden chair cracked warningly under the force of the impact. "There is no way I'm listening to you talk about that!"
Ichigo made a break for the door only to be restrained by his shirt collar.
"Nonsense son!" Isshin replied cheerily as his son fought and struggled like a sugar buzzed Kusajishi Yachiru trippin' on LSD. "You're a healthy young man and bound to be curious! Sex is a wonderful thing! Your mother and I very much enjoyed sex during our marriage!" Isshin continued happily, apparently unaware of only son's overwhelming urge to sink into a hole in the ground and disappear forever.
This was freakin' nuts! Where's an invasion of Menos Grande when you frickin' need one?!
"Look, son!" Isshin continued with boisterous enthusiasm, and Ichigo was so very sure he didn't want to look, "Rukia-chan has been kind enough to volunteer to assist me in my explanations with her hand-made illustrations!"
Ichigo's head, now feeling slightly fuzzy since his blood was still restricted by the grip on his collar, snapped up to see Rukia sitting on the counter top in a sundress and wearing a look that was so innocent it was nothing short of pure evil.
"That's right Ichigo-san," she said sweetly, the syrupy, sugary tone like ice water down his back. "Look," she said cheerfully, gesturing towards up a pile of poster boards that were sitting next to her. She picked up the top one and showed it to Ichigo, who visibly paled. "We're going to learn about sex with Chappy the Bunny!"
"Gah!"
Ichigo sat bolt upright in bed, throwing the covers and pillow into disarray, and sending a startled Kon plummeting to the floor with a surprised yelp. Ichigo panted heavily, covered in sweat, as a yell, the sound of a head hitting wood, and a string of curses came from behind the closed door of his closet.
A pajama clad Rukia slid the door open, one hand clutching her forehead, as she glowered at Ichigo.
"What is your problem?!" she demanded. Before she could give him the tongue-lashing he deserved, the device at her hip began to beep. Rukia snatched up the detector. "Major hollows coming in!"
"YES!" Ichigo shouted, leaping triumphantly up out of his bed. He hadn't been looking forward to going back to sleep at all. That was the last time he ate anything made by Inoue before bed. "Let's go, Rukia!"
Rukia looked confusedly at the human male as he switched to Shinigami form and dove out his window, inadvertently stomping on a still staggering Kon as he did so, with an audible "Woo-hoo!"
Why was this guy considered normal again?
AN: I must be insane. That is all there is to it.
Oh, well. Hopefully, I'm a fun insane.
Review if you like it!