Rick watched helplessly as Negan paced back and forth, trying to decide which of Rick's group to kill as punishment for the deaths of innumerable members of the Saviors.
"You look like shit! I should just put you out of your misery!" Negan pointed Lucille at Maggie.
Not Maggie, Rick thought desperately. She had been through so much. After losing her father, Hershel, her brothers Shawn, Billy, Arnold, Denton, Bob, Terry, Gregory, Patrick, Jeff, Hank, George, Jerry, Kramer, and her sisters Annette, Josephine, Lacey, Rachel, Susie, Susan, Susanne, Hilary Rodham-Clinton, Tabitha, and maybe there was another one he couldn't remember, Rick didn't think she deserved this terrible fate.
"No!" an anguished Glenn took the attention off Maggie as he flailed about trying to take on Negan's hundreds of men to save his unborn child. "Not her! I die in the comics, just kill me!"
"Get him back in line!" Negan demanded. His henchmen henchmanhandled Glenn to a subservient position. "That was a freebie, but if another one of you steps outta line again I will shoot you dead. I understand, it's emotional," he addressed the captives and his cronies. Then to Glenn; "Shut the hell up about the comics. I didn't even read them so I don't care. I will kill whoever I want!"
"Whomever," Michonne corrected rebelliously.
"Thank you. Now let's get back on track. I need to kill one of you M-Fers."
Sasha volunteered. "Kill me! I've been through hell. Seen good people eaten by the dead and turned into walkers themselves. People are killing each other and living like animals. But mainly, in middle school, my boyfriend Mark broke up with me, and I just can't deal with that anymore. Please, Negan, end my pain!"
Negan contemplated for a short time, then said "OK, but you don't count, cuz you're volunteering. And I'm not gonna use Lucille. This is just to thin the cast out a bit. Any objections?" he queried Rick's captive group. Everybody shook their heads, so Negan killed Sasha by forcing her to eat pop-rocks and drink Coca Cola. Her final words were "Mark! You told me at SkateLand that you'd be my boyfriend forever!" Her body disappeared to free up some RAM.
"Now how about you?" he motioned towards Eugene. An audible popping sound was heard when Eugene's tiny balls retreated into his body as Negan walked over with Lucille.
"N-now sir," Eugene stammered. "I feel that I must inform you of certain information that you will find important. I know the cure for the walker disease."
"He's lying!" Abraham's mustache announced.
"Goshdarnit."
"Is that true?" Negan asked Abraham's mustache.
"Yeah, he tried that line on us to try to get us to protect him from the walkers."
"Shut up" growled Abraham.
"He don't have any knowledge about no cure and he's pretty useless unless you want someone around to watch you doin' it," the mustache continued.
"Alright, I get it. You're on the shortlist," Negan told Eugene.
"Understood."
Negan moved on to Rick. "You're the leader, I don't wanna make a martyr out of you, so you're safe."
"Cheerio, mate!" Rick said, his accent slipping.
"Look, let's cut to the chase. It's gonna be Glenn. And not just because that's how the comics are. I am just legitimately racist against Koreans and would like to beat one in the head with a bat. Is that so wrong?"
The cast and crew of AMC's The Walking Dead looked at each other and agreed that it was wrong.
Negan looked directly into the camera and said "Well you better get used to stuff like this in Trump's America. Am I right?"
"Not Glenn, please, no!" cried Maggie as Negan sauntered over to Glenn, Lucille in hand.
Tears streamed down Glenn's face as he told Maggie not to worry. They were tears of relief, as he would happily die in place of his beloved wife and their unborn child that probably wasn't miscarried but possibly could be (tune in next season!).
Darryl stealthily released a fart. Nobody noticed.
"Alright champ!" Negan pulled the bat back and prepared to swing with all his might when suddenly an interdimensional portal opened up above his head, depositing a woman onto him and knocking him over.
The woman and Negan awkwardly got up and faced each other. Before Negan stood a 38 year old medical assistant.
"Hello, I'm Gail!"
"Where the hell did you come from?" asked Negan.
"It's a long story. Basically, I got sucked into a portal to Middle Earth and helped the hobbits, then I got sucked into another portal and helped Harry Potter send that dragon off to Romania, then I got sucked into another portal that was Pirates of the Caribbean, I don't really remember what happened there, then I-"
"We get it, you're a Mary Sue!" Rosita interrupted with her only line in this fanfic.
"I'm Negan. This is Lucille," he held up the bat.
"Yeah, I know."
"Oh."
"Negan, don't kill Glenn," Gail demanded. "He is a nice boy." Gail crossed her arms. "And there's not enough nice boys on these shows."
Negan laughed. "Look, I don't give a shit where you portaled from. In this universe Negan is the boss. Not some 38 year old medical assistant from Nebraska."
"How did you know I was from Nebraska?"
Negan's focus shifted slightly upwards from Gail's face, and she remembered she was wearing a foam corn husk hat.
"Now let's get down to business." Negan returned to Glenn at the lineup. Glenn had stopped crying.
"They won't let you kill me. I'm too likeable and I've already had too many insultingly cheap near death experiences this season."
"But this is the cliffhanger season finale!"
Maggie screamed in terror. "No! Glenn!"
As Negan brought Lucille down with his considerable strength, Gail activated her Mary Sue powers just in time for Negan to slow down the strike. Lucille hit Glenn's head softly, and all he had to show for it were a few cuts from the barbed wire.
Negan looked at Lucille as if seeing her for the first time, and not liking what he saw, he tossed her to the side. "What...what happened?"
Gail put her hands up to her face in embarrassment. "I'm so sorry Maggie."
Maggie looked confused. "Gail, you saved Glenn! I read the comics too, and I have been dreading this day ever since. You just made my future so bright! I've already lost my father, Hershel, my brothers Shawn, Billy, Arnold, Denton, Bob, Terry, Gregory, Patrick, Jeff, Hank, George, Jerry, Kramer, and my sisters Annette, Josephine, Lacey, Rachel, Susie, Susan, Susanne, Hilary Rodham-Clinton, Tabitha, and maybe that other one I can't remember, I just don't know what I would do if I lost..."
Maggie's words trailed off as she watched Glenn and Negan locked in the most romantic kiss the post apocalypse had ever seen. The Saviors and Rick's group wept at the tenderness with which Negan cupped Glenn's Korean buttock.
Finally Glenn and Negan pulled away, though their fingers lingered on each other's body. Negan looked around. "I guess I came down with a big ole case of Yellow Fever!" he announced. The Saviors cheered.
Gail avoided eye contact with Maggie and tried to change the subject. "So, for a Walking Dead fanfic, there weren't really any zombies in this."
At the mention of the word "zombie", all cast, crew, and viewers at home became silent and stared at Gail.
"I meant 'walkers'!"