Bite of Cold with Loss of Love

My best friend is Was-Mokie. She dared me to write anything that did not involve my absolute favorite fandom, TMNT. So, I choose my next favorite fandom, Tolkien.

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter One

I watched him. I watched him from the shadows. He was so merry and sang happily beside another. Where once he would have been seeking me out since I wasn't at his side, he did not even notice that I was gone. Where once I was the only one that caught his eye, now there was another. I watched and my heart broke. There was another now and the other was not me.

Fili's hair, which was always neat, was now impeccable when he knew this other was going to be around. My evenings with the High Prince, my brother and lover, were now spent with Fili telling me all about the heroic deeds of Gwain. Gwain. This was a dwarf that I couldn't hold a matchstick towards in looks. Gwain was tall and golden haired just like my Fili. His green eyes were strong and his axe hand sturdy. Gwain was a dwarf from the Iron Hills that had come to live in Erebor as a diplomat to Thorin's court. Gwain had eyes for my brother and my brother had intense eyes for him as well. My broken heart shattered as I finally accepted the truth. Fili didn't love me as he had promised he always would. It was time to realize that for the truth it really was.

Sighing, I walked from the Solstice celebration and returned to what had been our chambers. I looked around remembering all the happy memories that I cherished that occurred within these wall. I stubbornly fought the tears that wanted to fall. Fili's happiness was more important than my selfish needs. Quickly, I went through the chambers and packed up everything that was considered to be mine and placed the boxes of my things in a room next door that was not being used until I had set up chambers of my own somewhere else. Sinking into a chair, I waited patiently. Hours later I heard his familiar footsteps and watched as he stalked angrily into the room.

"Do you know how long I've been looking for you?" Fili demanded as I remained silent, "Why could you not say one word when you decided on leaving the celebration? It is annoying to have to search you out like a…Kili?"

Fili studied me as I looked up at him from my seat. He looked stunning to me as he always did and I would miss him so much. I stood and removed the precious, hair clasp that had been made by my beloved's hands so long ago as Fili stood before me in confusion.

"This belongs to another now," I sighed as Fili's eyes widened as I lifted his hand and placed the clasp onto his palm, "I give it back so that you may give it to the one that truly holds your heart."

Fili looked at the clasp and then back at me with stricken eyes. He knew I knew now. He wouldn't have followed his heart without this push. I only wanted Fee to be happy whatever the outcome might be for me.

"Don't," I warned as he opened his mouth to speak, "Gwain is a good dwarf. He'll do good by you."

"I didn't mean…," Fili began before growing silent at a finger on his lips.

"You're heart chooses for you," I said as I backed away even as my own heart felt shattered within me, "I've ever always wanted you to be happy, Brother. You…you make sure he treats you right, okay?"

I hurried and exited the room as tears became too hard to keep away. I didn't want Fili to see the inevitable breakdown. I flew down the hall and disappeared into a room that was never used. I had almost hoped to hear footsteps following me, but there were none. Finally, I allowed the tears and my whole world broke apart within me as gut wrenching sobs tore from my very soul. Dwarves only had one, true love their whole life. Fili was mine, but now I knew that I had not been his. I would never be able to love again and the pain of losing my One was more agony than I had ever felt in all my years.

"Stop. Stop this," I urged myself as I whimpered upon the floor like a pathetic babe, "You chose this course for your One. Fili's feelings are more important. Act the dwarf you are."

However, I couldn't stop the pain and I couldn't stop the tears. Fili's existence in my heart was fading and closing off. The absence of my One within me left me gasping and finally, I knew no more. I woke on the floor knowing that I had fallen unconscious and it was now morning. I sat up hissing at the throb that bit at me from within. This was a pain I would have to get used to now. I tiptoed and got some clothes from where I had hidden my belongings.

"You look awful," I groaned as I studied myself in the mirror of the room I had slept in that evening before quickly cleaning up and braiding my hair to King Thorin's standards of courtly etiquette.

Sighing, I held one braid that had been in my hair since my coming of age party. This braid was my bonding plait and had been twined into my hair by Fili's fingers for years. I gazed at the braid sadly and fought the sting of tears.

No use feeling sorry for yourself," I growled as my shaking hands unbraided the last sign of having been a part of Fili's life beside brotherhood, "Some things are simply not meant to be. Let it go and stop acting the child."

Icy water helped draw the red from my eyes and I used a clasp my uncle had made for me in my hair before placing the royal circlet on my head that showed I too was a prince. I had been abandoned by my lover, but I was not without my pride. I would move on and simply deal with the outcome. There was no other choice. I walked silently to the breakfast hall and froze at the murmur of voices from within. This would be my first public appearance showing all asunder that I was no longer Fili's chosen mate. I drew up as much courage as possible and walked into the hall and over to the royal table.

"Good morning, King Thorin," I greeted as I bowed slightly while my uncle looked up and stared at me in confusion as I came to sit to his left.

"Morning, Kili," Thorin answered before reaching and touching the lock of hair behind my ear that had once born a special braid, "Explain."

I didn't have to. Fili walked in with Gwain at that point and Gwain was wearing my old hair clasp.

"Kili," Thorin breathed as he looked back to me.

"You once warned us that we were too young to understand that our world had been too sheltered and we hadn't met enough other dwarves to know if each of us was really the One to the other," I sighed as I watched how happy Fili looked as he and his lover spoke with Bofur, "I wasn't Fili's One, Uncle. I had to let him go. I'm glad that Mother passed before seeing any of this. It would have saddened her heart."

Thorin cursed softly as the pain in my chest increased for a moment. Fili hadn't even spared me a glance. He had certainly moved on quickly, but when you find your One, no else matters among dwarves.

"You will find your One too, Kili," Thorin reassured as I looked away, "I'm sorry, Nephew. I never wanted this for either of you."

"Wasn't meant to be," I lied as my heart shattered further at watching my One laughing happily with Gwain, "I…I am not hungry, Uncle. I need to find some new chambers. Might I be excused from council this morning?"

"Of course," Thorin murmured as I stood again, "Kili, take a few days off. There is nothing pressing that needs done at the moment. Just…just come to terms with the changes in your life without any other needed pressure."

"Thank you," I agreed and walked towards the exit before pausing as Ori called out a greeting to me.

"Kili, your bonding braid has fallen out," Ori pointed out as I froze while all eyes turned towards me in the dining hall.

Everyone stared and then the murmuring began to start up. Fili looked towards me with apologetic eyes as I drew myself up straighter. I would not show weakness. I was still the youngest Prince of Erebor. I had my pride intact despite the broken shards of my heart within my chest.

"No, Ori," I called back as the murmurs ceased as all listened in on my words, "There is simply no need for the braid anymore. Good morrow."

I fled the hall with as much dignity as I could muster. This was worse feeling than I ever realized that it was going to be. I mentally ran through the open chambers in the family wing and selected my new room as I walked from the dining hall. A steward opened the door for me and together we began to pull off the cloths that covered the furniture.

"Do let me dust the room before you move in. I had no idea that an empty room could accumulate so much dust like this. I will be done by the afternoon," the steward urged as I nodded.

"All of my belongings are in the storage room next to High Prince Fili's chambers," I advised as the steward listened, "Would you be so kind as to have my things brought here? I can unpack everything myself."

"Right away, Prince Kili," the steward agreed with a respectful bow.

I left the dwarf to his work then. The disastrous breakfast had drained me of what little energy I had at the moment and I decided to go back to the room I stayed in last night and try to rest.

"Kili."

I whirled and came face to face with a very worried Fili. He looked radiant with his courtly robes and crown nearly as regal as King Thorin's. It hurt to see a different style of bonding braid within Fili's hair and I fought to keep back the choke of emotion that wanted to erupt from my throat. My brother was not who I wanted to see and speak to right now so I turned to leave.

"Wait, Kili," Fili urged as I sighed and kept my back to him, "Please, let me say this. I'm sorry that this has worked out in such a way. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know. I forgave you from the beginning," I breathed, "I can't do this with you right now, Fili. Just…just go back to Gwain. I'm not your responsibility anymore."

"You are still my little brother," Fili denied as I turned to look at him.

"A little brother that grew up," I stated with as little emotion as possible, "A brother who learned to let go so you could be with the dwarf you were destined for. The clip looks good in Gwain's hair. I'm happy for you."

"Oh, Kili," Fili groaned as he looked sadly at me, "I've hurt you."

I closed my eyes for a moment.

"How can I not be hurt?" I demanded as Fili looked down, "No. I'm sorry. None of this is your fault. I…I don't blame you, Brother. Just…I can't handle you being near me. Let me alone. Leave me to heal."

I heard Fili gasp sharply as I walked away. It had always been just the two of us. Fili was with Kili just as Kili was always with Fili. That era was over now.

"Wait," Fili called as I froze once again, "I don't want to lose you. I still want to be a part of your life, Kili."

I shut my eyes tight as my heart spasmed painfully. I had no words for my One at that point. I simply walked away and hurried to my destination. Being near Fili was too painful right now and I prayed that I would be able to grow use to this pain so I could take up my duties without putting any undue stress on my brother. Fili could not know the truth.

"I know what he would do," I sighed to myself as I laid on the guest bed after undressing, "Fili would give up his happiness for me. I will not exist in a relationship where my One loves another. I will just…try to move on as best that I can."

I fell into a deep sleep after that. I had no dreams. There was only emptiness. When I began to wake I felt a hand stroking my back and I startled up and away.

"Peace, Nephew," Thorin soothed as I settled, "I've been looking for you for hours."

"I came here to sleep after choosing my rooms," I yawned out as Thorin listened, "My new chambers needed to be aired out and cleaned some before I officially moved in."

"Kili, you missed lunch and dinner," Thorin explained as I startled, "I've been worried sick. Balin and Dwalin helped me look through the empty rooms and it was Dwalin who discovered your whereabouts. You haven't budged not one inch until you just awakened and I was about to panic. You are not usually one to sleep so long. You must be starving."

I was not. I hadn't been really hungry since I had been starting to the piece everything together about Fili's strange, new behavior. I looked up and noticed my uncle giving me a worried look.

"I could eat," I lied as Thorin seemed to relax.

"Get dressed and I will have a maid bring you some food to your new chambers," Thorin instructed as I nodded, "I think I will join you. I didn't eat much dinner. Seeing Gwain fawn over Fili left a bitter taste in my mouth. I do hope that those two…settle soon."

I pulled on my clothes tasting that bitterness within my own mouth. Newly joined couples were pretty affectionate at first. I simply didn't want to think about that right now. Everything was too fresh and raw.

"Come," Thorin instructed as I followed him.

I knew what my uncle was doing. He was trying in his own way to be there for me. I allowed this. Thorin was going beyond his comfort zone and I could at least allow him to think that he was helping me, but unfortunately, there was little he would be able to do here. Dwarrow bonding was complicated and simply uncontrollable. I only hoped that I had the fortitude to withstand the Freeze.

"You still look exhausted," Thorin fussed as we ate in front of the fire in my chambers, "You slept all day long. How can you be so tired?"

"I've known about Fili's affections for about a week," I sighed as my uncle froze, "Please don't think that Fili was going behind my back, Thorin. I don't even think Fili was aware of things at that point. I haven't slept well since realizing that…that my bonding was ending. I guess I am just recuperating."

Thorin released a curse word that took even my breath away.

"I feared that this might happen to you two one day," Thorin groaned as I looked away, "I want you resting for the next two weeks."

"Two weeks?" I gaped as my uncle scowled at me, "I will be fine in a couple of days. I don't need…."

"Two weeks," Thorin interrupted as I grew silent again, "I understand if you wish to remain in your chambers, but I will be sending you foods on a regular basis each day. Balin can handle your duties until then. Good night, Nephew."

"Good night, Mother," I joked as my uncle chuckled, "I will be fine in time. Good night, my king."

Thorin smiled and scrubbed his hand through my hair as he had once done when I was a lad before taking his leave. I watched the fire for a moment as I fished the bits of food from my robe pockets where I had hidden some of my dinner. I was tired and not hungry in the least. Everything just felt so wrong now.

"There we go," I muttered as I threw the food into the fire to hide my doings from spying eyes that would report to my uncle, "Bed."

I crawled into my new bed and wriggled unhappily. This was not my mattress and these sheets did not smell of my One. Tears escaped my eyes as I miserably lay alone in a room that didn't feel like my own without familiar arms to offer me comfort. I drifted into a deep sleep that again held no dreams, no warmth, just darkness that beckoned me to travel further within.

To be continued…