Title: Comparing Commands

Rating: T

Summary: Garrus and Kaidan compare commands Shepard has given them before, both on and off the battle field. [Takes place during the N7: Cerberus Fighter Base mission] [Crack-fic]

"Commander, you've got enemies inbound and you can't wait. Someone's gotta get those defenses down asap." Cortez spoke to the commander through her earpiece. Shepard sighed, looking at Garrus, "Garrus, get it done."

"As you command, Shepard." Garrus' mandibles flared, smirking at Kaidan. He activated his omni-tool and stood in front of the console. Cortez spoke to Shepard again, moving a safe distance away.

"Understood." Shepard spoke back, reactivating her tech armor, "Stay safe, I'll call you when their defenses are down."

"Yes, Commander."

"Kaidan," Shepard pulled out her assault rifle, "Take cover and guard Garrus, I'm scouting the landing pad."

"Yes, Commander." Kaidan nodded, pulling out his pistol and hiding behind a T-shaped console. Shepard nodded to the two before running out of the building.

"I see you're still being ordered around, Vakarian." Kaidan peaked his head out, looking for Cerberus troops.

"Oh, yes. I don't mind her commands. I have a few favorites, even." Garrus spoke back, bypassing the first firewall.

"Oh?" Kaidan furrowed his brows, looking towards Garrus after ducking back in cover, "You like her bossing you around?"

Garrus shrugged, "Hard not to when her commands are, 'harder' and 'don't stop.'"

Kaidan stood up from cover and shot a Nemesis in the head, "That's it?"

Garrus chuckled, "Oh, no. I have more, I'm just assuming you've heard them—if you haven't I would love to share."

"No, I've heard them." Kaidan shook his head, "She likes to call me Canada."

Garrus laughed, "So?"

"I had her singing my national anthem." Kaidan smirked, shooting another trooper down.

"Sounds like someone needed an ego boost." Garrus mumbled, working on taking down the next firewall, "I'm assuming you made her call you Canada, eh?"

Kaidan couldn't help but chuckled as Garrus tried to do a Canadian accent, "Ass."

"At least I'm being honest." Garrus' mandibles twitched in amusement as Kaidan cursed under his breath.

"Okay, yeah," Kaidan activated his barrier while switching weapons, "She wasn't singing my national anthem—"

"I don't think you even made her sing, Alenko. The noises she made were probably sounding like an elcor 'lethargically: oh, yes, Kaidan.' or more like a—"

"A turian drowning?" Kaidan offered, overloading a Centurions shield then shooting him in the face.

"Hm. No." Garrus turned his head to the side to look at Kaidan, "I was going to say like—" Garrus was cut off by a stray bullet hitting his armor.

"Alenko!" Garrus growled.

"Sorry." Kaidan smirked, shooting the Nemesis dead.

"So," Kaidan spoke once he shot down another Cerberus trooper, "Did she give you a pat on the back after you finished or a special surprise?"

"Pat on the back?" Garrus laughed, "No, no. She gave me more than a 'special surprise', Alenko."

"I bet she was hoping you'd die on the suicide mission." Kaidan mumbled.

"No, just you." Garrus' mandibles flared in annoyance, "Now, if you don't mind—I have work to do."

"Don't have anymore stories to tell?" Kaidan smirked, overloading a shield.

"Oh, I have plenty. They're just too..." Garrus hummed, "Intimate for you to be involved in."

"Scared, Vakarian?" Kaidan egged on, smirking.

"No, I just respect Shepard too much to tell you anymore of her personal life. Why don't you ask her whose better in bed and stop bothering me?" Garrus glared and turned off his omni-tool, contacting Shepard, "Shepard, the shut down needs to be synchronized. You need to get back here to activate it."

"Hold on…need to take out this—" A loud boom echoed through the building, "—got 'em. Heading back now." Shepard spoke to Garrus through his earpiece. Shepard reappeared a few moments later, holding her snipper.

"Thanks for the lessons, Vakarian." Shepard smiled at him, moving to the other console, "Ready?"

Garrus nodded, mandibles twitching in amusement, as they deactivated the defense towers. The warning intercom went off, Cerberus troops were landing on the landing pad. Shepard and her team cleared out the remainder of the Cerberus Troops. Both Kaidan and Garrus making snide remarked to each other about their performance. Shepard was ready to shoot them both in the foot if they didn't start getting along. Shepard threw out a cryo-blast, freezing an Engineer, before Garrus exploded the Engineer into tiny shards.

"Well done." Shepard sighed, placing a placing a finger on her earpiece, "Steve, come in."

"Hang on, Commander. Patching you in through interference...Area clear, signaling in the strike force."

"All right, lets—"

"Wait, scans picking up something big coming your way."

"Take cover!" Shepard pushing Kaidan and Garrus into cover as an Atlas fell from the sky.

"Take it down!" Shepard threw a couple lift grenades at it as Kaidan and Garrus moved to better cover. The fight didn't last long, Garrus cracked the glass plating open and Shepard threw her last grenade in there with the Cerberus trooper.

"The deck is clear, Commander." Kaidan said once the Atlas exploded.

"Anyone wounded?" Shepard panted, leaned back on a tall crate.

"Only a few scraps." Garrus shrugged, "Alenko?"

"Fine." Kaidan clipped his pistol to his belt, "Just fine."

Shepard took a deep breath and stood back up straight, stretching her arms above her head, "Good. Now, mind telling me why you're at each others throats on this beautiful day, again?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Shepard." Kaidan crossed his arms, averting his eyes.

"Ya-huh." Shepard clicked her tongue, "Your turn, Vakarian."

Garrus clipped his sniper to his back, "Major Alenko seems to think that he's better in bed."

"Garrus!" Kaidan's face twisted into horror, paling.

Shepard looked between the two and started laughing, "T—This? Again?" Shepard continued laughing as Cortez hovered the Kodiak behind her. Shepard continued laughing until they landed in the shuttle bay of the Normandy.

"O—Okay," Shepard covered her mouth, snickering and snorting, "L—Let's just end you two fighting for dominance now."

"Shepard, I—"

Shepard cut Kaidan off, standing tall and acting like the Commander she is, "Let's get one thing straight. When we are out on the battle field, in no way-shape-or-form will you be speaking about your Commander like she is a piece of meat. Understood?"

"Yes, Commander." Kaidan looked down.

"Sorry, Shepard." Garrus' mandibles twitched into a frown, averting his eyes ashamed.

"Oh, and," Shepard looked back at them before stepping off the Kodiak, "Archangel wins."

Kaidan stared, his mouth open, as Shepard walked out of the Kodiak. Garrus' mandibles twitched into a smug smirk, a low predatorily growl reverberating from his throat as he winked at Kaidan.