Characters: Deals with mostly the former Soviet Union and Russia, but other characters will make appearances.
Warnings: Uh…language?
Summary: Russia's all lonely in his new house, and has invited the former nations of the Soviet Union to stay with him, so he can restore his relations between them. Crazy stuff happens.
Chapter 1
In a breathtakingly beautiful mansion atop a hill, a clock struck four times.
"Guess that means it's four o'clock. Just about time for the guests to arrive…" said the blonde man, sitting at the head of a large but currently empty dining table. He, like many other of his friends, was an anthropomorphization of a country on Earth. But looking at his L-shaped nose, his somewhat old fashioned clothes, and his purple eyes, you wouldn't have guessed that he represented Russia. But he was Russia, and always would be.
(One month ago)
*bring bring* *bring bring*
"Mmph.."
*BRRRRING BRRRING* *BRRRING BRR-*
If there was one thing Russia hated most in the world, it was alarm clocks. He preferred to spend his mornings sleeping in, dreaming about sunflower fields or lead pipe conventions. On the other hand, alarm clocks were a welcome break from his occasional and weird nightmares, like the time he dreamt an obese polar bear shoved him into a volcano. Russia lay in bed for a few more minutes, still half-asleep, then proceeded to roll onto the sunflower print carpet below. After making his bed, showering, and eating breakfast, he decided to check the mail. Taking the slightly smelly elevator downstairs, Russia opened his mail box, and grabbed the stack of letters inside. Coming back inside his apartment, he was sorting them into piles when he found a stranger looking letter from a "General Winter." Intrigued, he opened the envelope. Inside was a perfectly square piece of paper. It read," Dear Russia-
Dear Russia,
It has been recently discovered that you are one of the few surviving relatives of late Queen Maureen Phenylphaline von Bismarck the Third of Greenland. Since she knew that she would die without an heir to the throne, it was her wish to divide her fortune among her descendants. You have been given the deeds to her modest, but cozy summer house near Lake Ladoga. Queen Maureen only hoped to bestow happiness to you and others, and does not want any hostilities to erupt between over who gets what. As her head advisor, I hold the right to take back any of your inheritance from you, if you disregard her wish. You do whatever you wish with the property. She also allows you to press the button at the bottom of the pool, though it is unclear why there is a button at the bottom in the first place. Oh, and she also says for you to get her coffee, with less cream and more sugar. Wait…whoops. I was never good at writing letters. Long story short, you are now owner of her estate near Lake Ladoga. Congratulations.
Sincerely,
~ General Winter
He put the piece of paper face down on the end table next to him, and thought for a while. Russia was currently living in a tiny studio apartment with extremely thin walls, unfortunately allowing him to hear what the elderly couple next door liked to do on Tuesday and Thursday evenings with carrots and paddles. His rent was extraordinarily high for such a cramped space, and the surroundings were nothing to write home about. It was becoming increasingly clear to Russia that he couldn't stay in his dingy apartment forever. Since he was now owner of some summer house, the timing couldn't have been better to move out. And so he did.
About two train rides and a taxi through town later, Russia found himself staring up at a massive iron gate. The letter said nothing about a key, and the gates didn't look like they could be opened with the two paper clips he had in his pocket. Exhausted, he let out a loud yawn. This is going to take a while…he thought to himself. He paced back and forth in front of the gates, racking his brains for ideas. Finally, he resigned himself to staring at the big padlock on the gates. It was only then Russia noticed that the padlock was in the shape of a grotesque looking whale. Its eyes seemed to bore into one's soul. Having nothing else to do, he decided to stare back at the whale lock. Russia liked staring, and was good at it. It was rumored among the nations that Russia's stare gave you bad luck for seven weeks. Suddenly, a purple aura seemed to surround Russia, and the lock clicked. The iron gates creaked open, revealing the shady path ahead. Russia blinked. He had no idea what happened, but walked onto the path, only stopping to look at the whale lock. The whale's expression seemed to convey that it had seen what Marie Antoinette looks like without makeup. Chuckling, Russia walked up the path that according to a sign tacked onto a nearby tree, led to Queen Maureen's house.
Russia's mouth gaped in awe at the building that stood in front of him. This was the biggest summer house he had ever seen in his life! He took a moment to quietly thank the one ancestor who decided to marry someone from Greenland. From the top of the hill where the mansion stood, you could see the town below, bustling with activity as the sun set. Russia opened the imposing front doors, and squinted at the light coming from the chandelier inside. He wondered if this meant the rest of the place was as fancy. A quick tour of the place revealed that he was right. Modern, sleek, and slightly intimidating, the queen clearly had a different definition of "modest but cozy." All of the rooms were equipped with state of the art technology, whether it was heated toilets in the bathrooms, a complex looking stove and two (!) refrigerators in the kitchen, or a television that took half of an entire wall in the living room, Russia had never felt so happy in his entire life. Running up to what he presumed to be the master bedroom, he flopped onto the giant bed and relaxed. He believed that this feeling of extreme happiness would never end.
…
But it did end a few days later, when he discovered how dull it is to be happy and forever alone. Sure, he had a pool right next to the dining room, a stash of vintage wine bottles that would make France drool with envy, but what's the point when only you knew about it? Russia hadn't felt this depressed in a long time. He was plucking the fifth petal from an abnormally large sunflower when he suddenly had an idea. Russia knew that most nations considered him creepy and tried to avoid him. If he didn't have any friends to invite over to stay at his new place, he would just make some, and in the process, restore his less than stellar relations with them. Russia searched his coat for the notepad he put important information in. Grabbing the phone, he dialed in the first number on the list, and waited…
Lithuania was preparing to make dinner in the apartment he shared with Poland until the phone rang. Despite the fact that he hated people who called when he was making food, he picked up anyway. "Hello?" "Hi, is this Poland?" "No, this is Lithuania. Who is this?" "Oh hi Lithuania! This is Russia. I haven't spoken to you in forever. I was wondering-" "canyouholdonasecih-havetoironmyfeet" He slammed down the phone. Lithuania could feel his heart beating fast, and the sweat slowly forming on his forehead and hands. What should I do… he thought. Why is Russia looking for Poland? Did he find Poland's secret cosplay pictures? Is Poland in danger? What should I doooooo? He took a slow, deep breath and picked up the phone again. "R-Russia, are you still there?" "Yes, what happened? If you're going to iron your feet, I can lend you one of my flamm-" "A-anyway, about Pol-Poland. Are you looking for him? I c-can take a message if you want me to." "Oh, well it was nothing really." Lithuania sighed in relief. "Well, in that case, I'm preparing dinner right now. I'll call you back if you want me to. Bye!" He almost pressed the call end button until Russia said," Wait! It actually is sort of important." The skinny brown haired man prayed that whatever it was didn't involve lead piping. "I wanted to ask if you guys are satisfied with the apartment you're living in. I know that since our split-up, we've all been living in pretty crappy conditions. I still don't know why Latvia chose to live in a cave, but whatever. The point is, I'm the new owner of this mansion, and it's kind of lonely living all by myself." Russia paused. "I-I'm sorry for my uh, creepy actions and what I did in general in the past. If you and Poland are willing to come, I'd be more than grateful. I'll leave you to finish making your dinner." "Wait Russia" said Lithuania, but Russia had already hung up. He resumed beating the eggs while thinking about Russia said.
Poland worked as a cashier at a costume store in the theater district in the city where he and Lithuania lived. He liked his job, and liked the employee discount even better, because it meant he could buy vintage tweed blazers, frilly tutus, and gigantic moose hats without worrying Lithuania about the cost. Around the same time Russia called Lithuania, Poland was taking the bus back home. Earlier in the day, Estonia texted him saying that Russia asked him to come to live with him in his newly acquired mansion. Poland was eating his lunch, and nearly spit out his sandwich when he read this. He texted him back to ask if he was actually even considering moving in with Russia. Estonia lived in the same apartment complex as Poland and Lithuania, along with Ukraine. He replied saying that Ukraine was willing, and that he would try to talk her out of it over dinner. As the bus crossed the bridge, Poland wondered if Russia called his house, but dismissed the thought, as Russia wouldn't have the guts to call after Poland threatened to break his radio if he didn't stop bothering Lithuania. By the time he unlocked the door, Poland had completely forgotten about the entire issue. "Hayyyyy Liet. What's cooking, good looking~?" he said as he approached him from the back. But his words seemed to float over his head. "Liet? I'm sorry for the bad joke? Please forgive me. Pleaseeeeeee?" He was just about to kneel on the floor and start warbling Lithuania's national anthem when the other man simply turned his head to him, and said," Dinner is ready." Poland felt as if someone dumped a bucket of ice on his head, but went to the table anyway. "Ooh, we having kreplach tonight? Sweet."
As Lithuania ate, he was struggling to figure out a good way to tell Poland that Russia called. "Poland, today I….I.." Poland raised an eyebrow. "You what?" he inquired. "I….bought some good potatoes today" he lied. "Oh. Yeah, I could tell. This kugelis is amazing. I'm so glad that you let me do the dishes instead of cooking" said the blonde. He flashed a smile at Lithuania, trying to cheer him up. As Poland reached for another dumpling, Lithuania suddenly grabbed his wrist. "The-the..called the house today" he mumbled out. "Who called the house today?" said Poland. "Was it…Ru-" "AHH YES. I mean. Excuse me. Yes, Ruritania called today, she was-er calling to see if her frogs were done mating" he replied. In the awkward silence that followed, Lithuania silently cursed himself for being the worst liar ever. Poland dropped his fork, wiped his mouth, propped his elbows up on the table, and proceeded to stare at Lithuania. He gulped, as this was Poland's Serious Business face. If he got a coupon denied at the store, or a speeding ticket, or saw someone stealing something right in front of him, he would stop whatever he was doing, proceed to walk up to the person, and scare the crap out of them. Knowing that he was delaying the inevitable, Lithuania closed his eyes, and said:
"Poland, I don't know how to tell you this, but I was pre-preparing dinner this evening when-"
"Russia called and he asked you if I was there and proceeded to-"
"Ask if he wanted to us to move in with him because we live in a crappy, crappy place and-"
"You were too scared to tell me because I would probably try and fail to beat him up for bothering you again?"
They both grinned like cats at each other. If this was a romantic comedy, a piano would be playing in the distance, while the two protagonists stared into each others' eyes as the camera slowly zoomed in on their faces as they proceeded to kiss their faces off. But this wasn't, and Poland proceeded to take flick Lithuania, hard, in the forehead. "Ow! What was that for?" he exclaimed. He shrugged and said," You were getting lost in thought again. So, what are we to do about this situation we are in? Are we going to move in with Russia, stay put, move elsewhere, or just lay about doing nothing?" Lithuania said," Well…you do know that I don't really like it here. And we haven't really talked to Russia in a while." "Uh, hello? Isn't that a good thing? I mean, the mere mention of his name made your legs start shaking" said Poland. "Yeah, but…we can't just ignore him forever" he replied. "I kind of get your point, but I think he has Belar-" "ESPECIALLY NOT WITH BELARUS AROUND" roared Lithuania. "Chill Liet. I get what you're saying," said Poland," But are you really that eager to go?" Lithuania leaned back in his chair. "Uhm, kind of…actually, I really do want to leave this place. But what about you? If you don't wanna go-"
"Of course I want to go, if you're gonna go, Liet. No one's manhandling my boyfriend but me" he said. Lithuania rolled his eyes and proceeded to clear the table. Poland just entered his bedroom when the doorbell rang. "Like, really? It's past seven, stupid salesmen…" he grumbled. But when he opened the door, he was not greeted by an annoying, greasy salesman with male pattern baldness, but three familiar faces. "Estonia, Ukraine, couldn't you just call- IS THAT HUNGARY? Oh my god! What are you doing here?" he shouted. He took their coats while the trio proceeded to flop on the squashy orange couch near the window. Poland sat in an opposite facing chair, and said," Seriously though. Why are you here, with Estonia and Ukraine of all people? Where's your husband?" The brown haired woman simply winked, and said," We'll tell you in just a few minutes. Can you wait?" "Ugh I hate waiting!" he said, and kicked his feet and the air. "We know, that's why we're making you wait. We like to see you writhe and gnash your teeth because you're the least impatient person ever" said Estonia and Ukraine in unison. Poland was just about ready to smack them when Lithuania walked into the room. "Hi Miss Hungary, Miss Ukraine, Estonia. I couldn't hear you guys because I was washing dishes. Are we having some kind of meeting" he asked. Estonia pushed up his glasses and replied," I guess we could call it a meeting. I, for one would prefer assembly, but I digress." He turned to the blonde short-haired woman next to him, and said, "Ukraine, if you would be so kind~" Ukraine proceeded to stand up as a button popped out from her shirt.
"Ahem. Hey you guys. So, as you all may or may not know, Russia, Belarus, and I have been given letters telling of us how some random royal relative of Greenland died, and left us with parts of her fortune. I got this headband, Belarus got a t-shirt I believe, and Russia got a huge mansion. Grandparental favoritism aside, ever since we left Russia's house, we've all been living in gross apartments. I know how that my little brother has been less than nice and nothing short of downright cruel sometimes in the past, but we can't just leave him in a big mansion all alone, and especially because I think Bela has made plans to move in with him tomorrow. Anyways, long story short, we should move in with my creepy lil' brother because we get free lodging and because the bed I've been sleeping on does nothing to ease my chest and back pains." She sat down in between Estonia and Poland and proceeded to mend her shirt. Hungary coughed and then said," Well I think Ukraine made some good points. As for me, it's perfect, because Austria is leaving for a piano convention for a month, and I don't want to annoy Ludwig and Feliciano, or be spied on by Prussia in my own house. Estonia?" "Ah, yes. I'm more than willing to go because I need to get away from numbers and textbooks for a while" he said. Poland slammed his fist on the table and yelled," All in favor of moving to Russia's, say aye!" 'Aye!" "Aye." "Aye, aye~" "Aye!" "…Aye." He grinned. "Then it's settled. We move out next Friday!"
Moving out was easier than Estonia thought it would be. Russia's house was already furnished, so all he had to take with him were his clothes and things valuable to him, which amounted to his laptop and a collection of postcards. He lugged his two suitcases down the staircase into the lobby, where Hungary and the rest were waiting. "Sorry I took so long, I was still kind of shocked that I only needed these two bags" he said. Hungary smiled and said," It's okay. You didn't take very long, unlike some people." She glared at Poland. "What? It's not my fault capes and fur coats aren't very easy to pack. You try trying to pack an ermine into a box full of organic cotton sweaters!" he replied. Hungary ignored him, as she had already walked outside the lobby. Estonia turned to Ukraine as he went through the door. "So how exactly are we getting to Russia's place?" he asked her. "Hungary has a car, thank god. Imagine taking the train all the way to where he lives? I would die of embarrassment" she said. Estonia chuckled and went up to Hungary. "So where's your fancy car, Miss Hungary?" He scanned the street for a black SUV. "Did Mr. Austria buy another BMW again?" he asked. "Me? Drive one of Austria's prized cars? He would kill me if I even tried driving around the block with any of them" she said. "Oh, so your car would be…." "That one! See where Lithuania is?" Hungary said. He peered across the street and saw his lanky brown haired friend waving from….what seemed to be some post modern sculpture of what used to be a car. "Let's go everyone! Road trip to Russia's mansion, here we come!" yelled Ukraine. Estonia sighed and followed everyone else to the battered van.
Despite its appearance, the van was actually quite roomy and nice inside. Hungary sat in the front seat, with Ukraine calling shotgun. Lithuania, Poland sat in the middle while Estonia sat alone in the back. Hungary switched gears and off they went. Estonia was almost drifting into sleep when he suddenly remembered: Why the hell wasn't Latvia in the van with them? Almost as if she read his mind, Ukraine turned around and said," Yeah, I've thought about him too. But it turns out that Russia never got the number of the nature retreat Latvia went to, so I guess he's not coming. Sucks to be him, I guess." And with that, Estonia fell into a deep slumber, dreaming about tigers and scones. He was almost about to ask the tiger if he was knew how many calories were in that scone when Hungary speeded over a bump and he was jerked awake. "AUGH!" he exclaimed. "Sorry Estonia. But we need to pick up the pace if we want to get there at a reasonable time. We're in the woods right now, and if the sun sets before we get out, I don't think we'll be able to find a way out until tomorrow morning." Hungary said from the front seat. "It's okay." Lithuania was poring over a colorful map with Poland when he said," Miss Hungary, I think you should have taken a left back at the fork over there." Hungary replied," Shit really? Crap. Are there any side paths we can take on this road right now?" Poland said," Uh, we're in the middle of the woods right now. Unless you want to dive through this mud pudd-AAHHHHH"
Unfortunately for Poland, Hungary had a tendency to charge headlong into situations without really thinking about anything, if at all. As she floored the gas pedal, the van went sliding through the mud puddle, which got mud all over Poland through the \unfortunately open window on his side. "My sash! I went all the way to Denmark to have this madeeee" whined Poland. "Oh…uh…sorry?" said Hungary. "But Pol, look on the bright side! We're already here!" said Lithuania. Looking through the mud splattered windshield, a huge tan mansion loomed in the distance. Hungary turned off the engine, and hopped off the van. "Are we just going to leave this here in the middle of his backyard?" inquired Lithuania. Ukraine and Estonia were opening the trunk and getting their stuff out when Poland screamed. "Poland! What's wrong! Did you get more mu-" "THERE'S A GHOST COMING THIS WAY!" screamed Poland. Estonia and Hungary ran to where Poland was, and nearly lost control of their bowels. Ukraine dropped her bag. Lithuania gulped. Coming towards them, was the biggest ghost they had ever seen.